Happy Birthday!

J's birthday is at the stroke of midnight and today it was so much fun to spoil him for the day! Since his birthday falls on a big family day, I like to celebrate with him all to myself the day before!

I asked him what kind of cake he wanted and he said Chocolate! Well, the only cake mix I had in the cabinet was strawberry, but in a moment of divine intervention I remembered that I had some Her.shey's Cocoa mix and all of the ingredients in the pantry to make a homemade (FROM SCRATCH!!!!) Chocolate birthday cake for the love of my life! I was a complete mess when I was done, he actually loved to kiss me and tell me that I looked like the people on cak.e boss! Well, I am proud to report that the cake was DELICIOUS!!!! He just took the spoon straigt to it! I made him a big glass of milk and it was such a treat for him!

I am so glad that he was born 34 years ago! He is such a tremendous blessing to me and I can't imagine not having him by my side! He is my best friend and biggest supporter! He always makes me laugh and loves me in gentle ways that remind me that God's love is true, sincere, and never-ending.

I found this quote on www.ron.rolheiser.com recently and it made me think of J!
"Anne Michael's writing: "Only real love waits while we journey through grief. That is the real trustworthiness between people. In all the epics, in all the stories that have lasted through many lifetimes, it is always the same truth: love must wait for wounds to heal. It is this waiting that we must do for each other, not with a sense of mercy, or in judgment, but as if forgiveness were a rendezvous. How many are willing to wait for another in this way? Very few."

J has loved me in good times and bad. He has waited with me as I journeyed (still journey)through grief.

I prayed for him long before I ever met him. I think it was my freshmen year that my religion teacher challenged us to pray for future spouse EVERYDAY! I started then! In college, I knew he was out there and I would pray for him throughout the whole day! As I was in my senior year, I met him! It was January 1999 that we met and started dating! Let me tell you, he was worth every prayer, every moment of waiting, every tear that I cried as I waited and worth every broken heart until we found one another!

Now, as we wait for our dream to come true of adding to our family, I still find myself thankful that I get to dream next to him each night, that I get to wake up to him each morning, and that I get to live my life with him each day!

Honey, I love you!

What to do?

It is just so hard to be on the IF roller coaster for this long!

It is draining to get great blood results and know that it could mean very little in helping you achieve your dream.

It is not that I am losing hope for this cycle or of ever having a BFP or even of growing our family through the miracle of adoption. I am just so over disappointing my husband. He is so hopeful, I am too. Not that I am disappointing him myself, the inability for the two of us to get a BFP is disappointing the two of us.

I am just so hopeful, yet so reserved. There is some mild cramping going on on the left side mainly. It is not bad, just present. There is a light at the end of the tunnel! I am claiming that right now!

I forgot to mention that J got me the most beautiful Christmas gift!!!!!! A beautiful white & yellow gold dragonfly necklace. I was so suprised! He is always so thoughtful in choosing a gift :)
Note: the pic is from our recent trip and the other is one of us from Christmas eve!

P+7 results

I was able to call PPVI today and get my p+7 blood results and my progesterone was 26.1 and estradoil was 17.8. They were a little better than I antiticipated.

I have been feeling pretty rotten, got a crazy stinking cold on the day we were to leave for our trip. I have been so sleepy and tired, but we really enjoyed out trip to Galveston Island. It was just fun to travel with my husband and sing crazy songs on the road with our terrible nasal voices. Yes, we both have the crud. We are actually doing much better since we returned home, a huge nap helped :)

My new cycle should start either new years day or new years eve. Fun. Oh, well, life will go on. Today is P+12. feeling like it is on its way.

I survived 12/26/09

I have been covered in Grace!

I was able to laugh my way through Christmas and part of Christmas eve and even survived the anticipated EDD for Nicky.

We tried really hard to not focus on sorrow or pain. Ever since I made the commitment to try to let Nicky enjoy their time in Heaven, I have been covered in grace.

It does help that so many people are praying for us!

The only time I cried in the past several days was at Christmas Midnight Mass as I was filled with wonder and awe at the birth of our Savior and when I was reading the first reading this morning at Mass and had to proclaim to the congregation the sacrifice Hannah made in returning her son Samuel to the Lord. I love that line that where it says "this child for whom I prayed. . . " It made me think of our Sam and then I was reminded of Sew's Hannah Grace and was moved to pray for the Sew family :)

One of my best friends' birthday was yesterday and she wanted to eat at a Japaneese restaurant. J and I have never eaten anything like that we were way out of our comfort zone, but we had fun celebrating with her. It was such a great opportunity to celebrate life instead of mouning.

We are planning to take a small getaway this week and I am so excited.

In cycle news, I am at p+10 and only had a few episodes of slight pain on the left side. I keep expecting to get that terrible pain on the right side, but so far that has not happened yet. I really need to do a better job of tracking when those kind of pains come in my cycle. Dr. H did write an order for me to get an utrasound if I do have that pain again. I think that they want to see if there is a cyst. In regard to the pain on the left side, I really think that it must be adhesions that developed after my surgery in May when my left tube was removed. In other related news, I just had to do the hcg on p+3, 5, & 7.

It is so nice to have hope. I really think that this is part of the grace I am receiving straight from Heaven.

We got to go see "Did you.hear about the Morgans?" today and it was hilarious and had the best ending ever . . .

Many prayers to you all for a beautiful New Year celebration! May 2010 bring many blessings to our blogging circle.

HOPES UP

I am at p+6 and I don't know what to expect from my body but I am just hopeful. We did the absolute best we could to try to make a baby (with God's help), so we will see what comes to pass.
I will do the blood draw tomorrow, yes on Christmas Eve.
I have been feeling pretty good and not having alot of pain on either side. I did have some pain on the left side two nights ago, but it went away on it's own. I am almost cautious to say that because you know how once you write something, it changes.
In other news, I was visiting a priest I work with who was at his home this morning because he is recovering from a surgery and he randomly asked me "Are yall still interested in adoption?" He has always been very supportive of us adopting and really has been somewhat a big adoption cheerleader for us. Well, I told him "Yes, we are still very interested in adoption and while we have not started the homestudy process we were trying to see what would happen in the next few months but that is was still very much on the table. He then told me "I don't want to get your hopes up, but I do know of a young woman who is looking to place her child with an adoptive family." At the moment, I was really calm as I sat at the table with him and a coworker of mine. I went on to tell him of my experience at mass last sunday and He remained supportive. I told him, "No, I understand that these things don't always work out." Yet, once I left I went straight to the adoration chapel and prayed that God would protect my heart, J's heart, the mama's heart, and that sweet baby. He gave me no details, but for some reason I am so hopeful for this child. I prayed that God would somehow make sure that this child makes it to the right parents. I don't know what I was thinking but I told him that he could tell this person to contact J and I if they wanted to get to know us or ask us any questions that they may want answered. I have no idea of how far along this young woman may be at this time, but my heart is just overflowing with hope. It almost felt like a Christmas miracle :) Just the idea that someone thought of us FIRST! That we came to mind, what a gift. Only by God's grace, I am convinced. J is working out of town right now and I haven't called him because I am trying to not get my hopes up, but they are up. I just think that this came from a reliable source. WAIT, J just called and I told him the about the conversation that I had with Father! He was more than suprised. We shall wait and see . . . for all I know Father might have just gave me some hope because I would need my hope buoyed to make it through this Christmas season. Just kidding, I don't think he would have done that.

PURE CRAZINESS!!!!

Now for the second magical, sent down straight from heaven part of my day . . .

Earlier this week, I said a prayer to St. Therese, The Little Flower, and asked her to pick a rose from the heavenly garden and send it to me as a message of love. As I was going to an office party, I was early so I drove around the community surrounding the Chancery and stumbled onto a rose garden. I was blown away . . . I have seen this yard before during the spring and summer time, but not in December and there were roses of every kind and color gracing those branches. I was in awe that my prayer was being answered . . . as I drove very slowly past the yard, I lovingly admired the roses and then I say a small angel in the distance and then my eye caught the most beautiful image . . . A LIFE SIZE STATUE OF SAINT THERESE!!!! Then I knew that the prayer was answered through her intercession. My heart was pounding as I stared at her beautiful image. It was at that point that I realized that nothing is in my control in relation to conception or adoption. I can pray, wait in expectant hope, and just wait some more :D

Then when I returned home and checked the mail, I had received a gift from my Advent Prayer Buddy. Ms. Blondie so generously gave of her prayers for me this Advent and for that I am so thankful. The gift she chose for me was a beautiful statue of Saint Nicholas and a prayer card. The gift could not have touched my heart more . . . I just marveled at God's goodness in sending me a friend in her and being so thankful that God has allowed our paths to cross. Thank you, Ms. Blondie :) As always, I am praying for some baby blondies to come your way very soon!

I had the pleasure of having TWO Advent Prayer buddies this Advent - Ms. Blondies & Jeremiah 29:11 - & I was able to offer up all of my suffering during the first part of Advent for the success of their surgieries and that children would become a part of their families very soon!

My specific prayer for Jeremiah 29:11 was that her surgery would be successful, that the homestudy would be completed very quickly, that God would bring life to her womb and nurture that life to a safe delivery, and that if God chose to bring her and her husband their children through the miracle of adoption, that He would do that SOON! See, even in my prayers for others, I throw in that urgency :) I also prayed that God would help Jeremiah and her husband to have renewed faith and hope during this season that reminds us that hope is alive and that God is still reaching out to all of us in love, bringing us MIRACLES!

My specific prayer for Ms. Blondie was that her surgery would be tremendously successful and that Dr. Hilgers would be able to give her some answers and HOPE! I begged God to open her womb when she healed! I specifically prayed for her husband that he find comfort in knowing that she was in the care of a good doctor and that both would trust him. I prayed that their marriage would be strengthened during this time of waiting for healing and that God would carry them on eagles wings even amidst the stormy winds that they may encounter.

In all of this, I lifted them both up to St. Gerard and asked for his intercession.

Ladies, know that I will continue to keep you two and all the other IF bloggers in my prayers.

On the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, I woke up in the wee hours of the morning and wrote to Nicky in my journal. Afterward, I looked back on my notes and reflections from my retreat in April and one of the first lines I wrote down that the retreat master shared with us. He told us "The secret to getting what you want in life is to pray for others to get what you want first." I have finally got there. The other day, I was praying for one particular person (you know who you are) and begging God to bring life to her womb. I don't know when that will happen, but I do believe it will happen one day. That was the gift of the Advent Prayer Buddy system, we are praying for others to have what we desire most. I hope that retreat master was RIGHT! Then we will all have the desires of our heart!

Special note to Jeremiah 29:11 -
I sent you and Ms. Blondies a gift in the mail and when my post office weighed it, but misjudged the amount. I only know this because Ms. Blondie told me she had to go to the post office and pay 68 cents to get the package. I was so disappointed that this happened to her and then I knew yours would probably be wrong too and it is out of my control to fix it. I am so sorry :( Please know that it was not my intention to make the gift to you both become so burdensome. That being said, I hope you both enjoy your gifts! Merry Christmas!

where is there a safe place?

I had a great, but exhausting weekend with my family this weekend! The company was great, the food was fabulous, too bad our team did not win their game. There is always next time.
It was only at the end of the weekend that I got sad. My mom offered to join us for mass and it was very important to go because it was the 4th sunday of advent and since we had stayed up late and needed to bring her home, we were unsure what Mass we would be able to attend. Wel, we got to go to our favorite Mass that we have been going to and the homily was great, one of the lectors did an awesome job of reading the second reading that my heart was turned, and I was so thankful to just be there. The only problem was this gorgeous baby that was only a few months sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I could not look past this baby, it took my full concentration to focus on the priest so that I could simply survive. I managed to avoid looking directly at this baby, but not for long. Even J said "that baby just keeps watching you". Any other time I would have oohed and ahhed over this baby, but this one just took my breath away and I wanted have my baby. It did not help to see my mom just fall head over hills in love for this baby.
Tears silently streamed down my face, past my neck, they never seemed to end. J got so sad for me. I wasn't looking for someone to feel bad for me, in fact I did all that I could to keep my tears to where no one could see them, but in trying to not face my mom, I tried to face J the most as the tears flowed. I told J that if that woman would have looked back at me and said "I cannot care for this child, will take him?" I would have said yes in a heartbeat and never looked back. He agreed with me by saying "Who wouldn't?" God is working on his heart, I know He is!
So I prayed for grace throughout the whole mass and it was just a very special time. Grace covered me! Oh, and when J and I were talking about why that baby seemed so interested in me, you know how they get fixiated on things, well even J said this one was fixiated on me and J just told me "Don't you see that as a good sign?" I told him that it did not occur to me to be a good sign, but I sure hope it was a sign straight from heaven.
Well, I suvived Sunday, only to fall flat on my face today. Not so much with tears at the sight of ANOTHER stunning little one, but just that no place is safe for me. If I would have known that someone was bringing a brand new baby to our staff Christmas party, I would have been able to prepare myself. I did not know, but lo, and behold they show up and everyone is begging to hold her, everyone except me. I hate that IF and pregnancy loss has jaded me so much that I can't trust my emotions to remain intact when I am holing a new baby, much less hearing how much she is a blessing to her mother. While I managed to admire this little angel from afar and remaining aloof about it all, a Sister sits next to me and tells me that her family is expecting SIX new babies in the next few months. Then she went on to tell me that three were just born in the last two months. I know all of the girls she was talking about, I went to college with almost all of them! One of my dear friends is expecting baby #5 and she clearly wrote that while she never expected to have FIVE, she is SO HAPPY!. Well, I dreamed of having FIVE and I have NONE and I am not too happy about it.
So needless to say, I did not stay around long and went back to the office and opened up shop. What really made the waterworkds come out was when a lady who realized she was asking more and more questions about those new babies next to me and getting so excited about them came to me later and apologized for being insensitive. She said "I don't know why I opened up that conversation, it was not a good idea to talk about that at this time." My tears were for two reasons. First, I don't want people to be so aware of my pain that they guard themselves but secondly I was so suprised that someone noticed my pain and suffering. It just amazed me how people can forget that I was ever supposed to be delivering a baby this week, but when someone does remember the tears still come.
I had been doing so well until being presented with these beautiful babies. The desire is SO STRONG! I am ready to get a call of someone who will not be able to parent their child and would choose us to parent that baby. Yet, we haven't even started the adoption p/w. I am ready to get a BFP, but I don't even know if we will ever be able to conceive again of if I would be able to maintain a healthy pregnancy and safely deliver a baby. It is all about trust and that is what I am counting on right now. I am placing my hope and trust in GOD!
Today is p+4, did the first hcg injection last night. I would love for this cycle to be successful, but I will try hard to keep my chin up if my prayers are not answered the way I want them to be answered. So leave it to me to need a blood draw on CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!! I had to coordinate with my lab today to make sure they were open and they will be opened to noon, but they will have to freeze my blood since PPVI lab will be closed for the holiday. I might get my blood work results in before the new year, I hope so. I am just so hopeful!

One last thought, I am missing all of the comments I used to get when I was public and not private. Yet I do feel a sense of peace knowing my readers.
If anyone is reading this (HAHAHA) - I wish you all a merry christmas!

Update

It has been one busy week. Lots of work, but boring days, know what I mean.
I live for 4:30 PM! Especially today. I took a comp day on Friday and so tomorrow I get to sleep late under the warm covers and when I wake up at MY leisure I will be doing things I love to do. I have 3 days off, work 3, then don't have to go back until January 4, 2010. It is highly likely I will start a new cycle right around my husband's birthday on January 1st and I would love to tell him that I am pregnant as a birthday present. The problem is that I have had very scarce CM! There is white babies on my chart, but seriously, I don't think that it is the baby-making kind of peak type cm. I am too worn out to be hopeless anymore! It is just so draining to be so sad all the time, although at the time, I had no means to change it. It was just like a light was finally lit in the darkness and I emerged from the pit! I hope it lasts! Speaking of light in the darkness, I am so happy for Amber! I swear the fact that she has been so faithful to her treatment gameplan and was successful is motivating me to not give up! I think she has lit a fire of hope in all of us in this catholic IF circle :) So glad God is using her to bring us hope :)

Well, I may be off, but I will be busy! We have tons of gifts to wrap and then there is the housework to do. I only plan to leave the house to go to the post office so that I can mail my prayer buddies their gifts! I have grown so much this Advent and I am so suprised at God's goodness! I even listened to "Held" by Natalie Grant today and did not cry. I really don't know how grace is keeping me stable, but whether or not I understand it, I am thankful! Thank you prayer buddy, I can't wait to find out who you are!!!

The big thing that I am preparing for is that we are having my whole side of the family over on Saturday evening for GUMBO! Good cajun chicken and sausage gumbo with potato salad and all the fixings. I also have tons of baking to do! My mom is coming to spend the night on Friday and I am looking foward to spending some time with her, it is going to be so much fun! We do have a little house, but they say love grows best in small spaces! We will be putting that to the test on Saturday. We are also going to be watching the Saints game.

I will be baking some oatmeal cookies and some chocolate chip cookies. I can't wait to see how great my house is going to be smelling!!!! So much fun!

Oh, well, that is about all that is going on right now!

Prayers & blesisngs to each of you! I told J the other day that I feel like we are each others' cheerleaders, always ready to encourage and offer support!

Christmas Decorations & Weird Moments

A waiting manger . . . waiting!!!!


Daisy hiding behind Frosty!
We had a nice weekend, but I have been nursing a bad headache and I think it is related to a sinus infection. That being said, we had J's christmas party at Jack.Daniels' Bar & Grill (if you have never been there, count yourself lucky :) Immodesty is thriving there!) Just kidding, the food was great and the company unmatched. Yet, when were were sitted at the table, it was just us and one other couple there at that point and she did not know us well, so her first question was "So, how many children do you have?" I handled it easily is saying "oh, no we don't HAVE any children right now?" No explaination, no please feel sorry for me explainations. THEN, "She looks at her husband and say "LUCKY!" Now you know that wild horses could not have stopped me from addressing that right at the moment. I think J was praying that my claws would stay down and that I would remain cool. I graciously explained at that point that we would LOVE beyond anything imaginable to have a brood of children and that we did just lose a baby in May. No tears, no ugliness, just simple honesty. They received that news graciously, I just wish people would not assume that every couple who does not have any children are doing that because of selfish motives, in fact, most are not 'choosing' that at all.

Emotionally, I have been much more stable. If someone asked me that a week ago, I would have run crying to the bathroom in shame. I think that grief being so strong for the first part of advent was necessary. I woke up in the middle of the night on Saturday morning and wrote a letter to Nicky. There was sweet release in those moments.

Enjoy the pictures!





A new ornament for Nicky. I could not find a little "n" at the craft store for some reason I think of a shining star of hope when I think of Nicky, so I made this one. I am not crafty, but I like it and I like that I made it.

!!!

Finally!!!!!!!!!

I am finally not teary and licking my wounds for the moment. It could be a combination that my husband made grilled steaks and potatoes and got chocolate chip cookies for dinner or the fact that it is finally friday night and I have a simple, fun weekend planned, or it could be that when my DH opened the statement of our investment portfolio and I told him that should cover at least one adoption (hahahahaha) and he agreed with me that brought a little bit of sunshine into my caved in heart.

Anyway, just wanted to let those of you who might be checking up on this nutty girl that I am surviving and actually smiling tonight! There is grace in the smallest things~thank God!

Happy Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe

Low

I am at an all time low.

I never knew life could be this difficult.

I never knew that suffering could reduce one so much.

Sleep in Heavenly Peace

Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!
Christ, the Saviour is born
Christ, the Saviour is born

Silent night, holy night
Son of God, love's pure light
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With the dawn of redeeming grace
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth "


I went to a luncheon with my mom at her church with my two aunts today. They told a story about how how the manger was empty because Jesus can come and go from earth to heaven and so that is the same way with the ones we love. We can experience their presence here on earth at times. We sang christmas carols and just enjoyed making memories. Yet . . . . . .I completely lost it when we sang "Silent Night". I was reminded before the song that Nicky is in paradise and experiencing a time of fulfillment. As we neared the end of the first verse, I had to stop singing, my emotions were bursting open! I just felt that I was singing to my baby "sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace" It was a moment of letting go and an opportunity of renewed peace and understanding enveloped me.
My mom consoled me as tears racked my body. I don't know why grief has to be so hard, but it is necessary I suppose.

My heart is lighter and each day is filled with grace-filled moments that are leading me to knowing why I wait on Christ. I am preparing this advent and I am growing. I am trying hard to not cling, but to just wait to receive.

still moving

Last night I watched the big.gest loser where they are running the marathon. They were in pain and even though they accomplished alot, it was still hard. They desired so much to give up, but they desired to inspire others and make it to their goal more.

I feel like I am stuck right now. I am ready to give up, yet I am not ready to not be open to life and apparently I need a HUGE amount of prescriptions drugs to make me somewhat open to life.

I am losing all of my enthusiam to have a baby and I am not pushing adoption anymore. All it does is make my husband and I argue and while we have been encouraged to let go of it all, we were not ready to do that and we still are not ready to throw in the towel, but I just feel like we are fighting to not fall off of the mountain.

I have realized that we were extremely blessed to even be able to become a mother/father through the gift of one another and we should be thankful that somehow we are were/are parents to two souls. Yet, in reality that offers very little consolation.

I found myself, not caring about my crappy cycle review, I never even called the lady back after she left the message. I was somewhat hopeful at first, but I feel like I am just getting nowhere. I asked them about doing the clomid on cd4-8, instead of cd3-7 since this is how it worked the first time I was on clomid. I told them that I was concerned about the longer LP (16 days) so they decided to try the hcg on p+3,5,7 and to not do the hcg on p+9. I am still going to continue at 2500 units. I am now taking 1000 mg of metformin XR at bedtime and I am still on the vitamin b6, prenatals, and t3.

Well, today I finally got off the pitty potty and refilled the meds, picked them up, etc.

I am still completely terrified of a life without children. I am still terrified of having another ectopic pregnancy, etc. I really don't know how to get rid of the fear. I am just not doing so well in my faith and it is really draining.

I think that I used to think that God could interrupt my screwed up system anytime he desired and bless us with a baby, but now I am just thinking it is all about meds, science, charting and even that is not working. I know that God is the author of life, but I struggling to keep that trust alive.

My nagging, complaining, worrying, anxiety, fear, and anger is making my marriage miserable. I am attacking the one I love the most and I want to blame him for so many things.

There is so much inside of me that is just wanting to be rebellious. I keep thinking that right when you are wanting to give up, the answer could be right under your nose. I don't know what is going on right now, but prayers are so hard to utter for myself. I am finding that my spirit is just so wounded. I am not angry at God for not giving my desire, I am angry that he is not letting me know why we are asked to bear this cross.

This post is really all over the place. I am so thankful for all of your prayers, I could not pray for two days. I still can't listen to my christian music. I don't know why I am acting out this way, but this is how it is right now. I think alot of the down feelings had to do the the huge drop of hormones (is that a copout?) bc for two days the tears would just roll down my cheeks and I would be wiping away tears constantly. This is not normal. Before my surgeries or got my hormones better, I was used to really bad levels and I was more emotionally stable. Plus I was not really hopeful at that time and now I was thinking that if we got everything to line up, it would work again, but that didn't happen. This could go on forever or it could change in an instant.

The very best that I was able to do was to offer up my suffering, both physically and emotionally, for my prayer buddy.

The irony of my starting my period on the first day of advent has not been lost on me and I think that is what I am supposed to be learning about right now. I could have been waiting for my baby to be born, but now I am waiting and hoping for another baby one day, all the while loving the babies I know in heaven.

One more thought, I recently got a little card about the development of a baby from conception to birth and it talked about how a newly conceived life is about the size of a grain of sugar or smaller and I motivated myself to believe that my tube could allow a grain of sugar to pass through it, so I had the plan to call our little one "Sugar". One day I will have that chance. I am still trying to be hopeful. The past three days have been so hard physically with pain and cramps, it took all I had to get up and go to work. I haven't been able to sleep much. It has finally lessened and I hope to rest well tonight. I am thankful that it looks like I might have had a really great lining though.

I am not sure I ever wrote a post this scattered or long so if you all are still reading, thanks and thanks for your prayers and encouragement!

Defeated

I just feel so DEFEATED.

I just don't know how not to be disappointed. I am just ready to be living out the vocation of motherhood. I am sick and tired of people telling me that I should just try some more, say some more prayers, or just wait for God. I have done all of those things, along with my husband and I am still where I don't want to be.

I don't want to hear any more flowery words about the gift of infertility. I don't want to hear that God is using this time to make me a better person (potenentially as a mother).

I don't want to hear about all the abandoned children in this world that I cannot raise and love.

I don't want to hear about all the babies and children out there in the world being mistreated, abused, and needlessly suffering because I cannot protect them.

I don't want to hear about one more child not getting a warm meal or clean water when my heart is just aching to meet all of their needs - when I am just aching to be used by God to show them the warmth of His love and the strength of His protection.

My spirit is broken. My spirit is weak. I am the suffering soul that is walking right beside all the smiling faces and I, too, have a smile pasted on my face despite the shatteredness of my ragged emotions.

I feel so spent by God. I feel so abandoned and used. Why is that I am asked to suffer this tremendous cross? I am tired of people minimizing my suffering. I am tired of not bearing this cross joyfully.

I did say that I would do my best to not blame God if we did not conceive this cycle, but it is just so much more than that. I am unceasingly trying to be a wife on fire with zeal for my vocation as a wife but that is so tied with the vocation of motherhood, that I feel like such a failure.

What I do know is that I have not been abandoned by God and that even though my suffering is great, God loves me and my husband tremendously.

I have to admit, I don't know the plans God has for me and my family.

I feel like I am in a very dark place. I don't exactly feel hopeless, I just feel defeated! Like I am laying flat on the muddy football field when the other team is scoring in the end zone. Can you tell my dh is watching the game as I blog?

cd1

No baby dust here.

It is cd1.

Waiting

I am waiting for a new cycle to start.

Cd 1 was on 10/28 (so it is cd32), p was 11/13 so today is p+16.

My temp dropped this morning, but I am not too sure how reliable this is at this point. I woke up with pain on my right side and took an advil certain that cd 1 was imminent, but it has not shown up yet and while I hope and pray that I would be lucky enough to be late for a reason, I am just not so sure. I think the Advil caused the drop in temp.

I really don't want to let my mind get ahead of where I am physically.

We had an amazing Thanksgiving celebration with family and it was a nice suprise to be in good spirits. We did lots of home projects this holiday weekend and just spent some fun time together cooking, watching movies and just enjoying each other. It has been such a blessing to enjoy our time off together. On Saturday, we put up our tree and it was so easy this time. We had been given the christmas tree my Aunt had and it was just 3 pieces and was pre-lit. It seems very special to have this part of her with us. She loved the holidays! The tree is simply decorated and we only put up decorations that the cats could not break, since Baylie is still a kitten and we wanted to get her used to it and not risk breaking any of our special ornaments. I really want to make a special ornament for Nicky. I am thinking a little "n" that I can decorate and add a star too. We got one for Sam a long time and I want a special one for Nicky. I really like the one that Ann from Building a Nest got.

Anyway, I realized the next morning that in my determination to not be grumpy or sad for Christmas, I did speed pass the "waiting" period of Advent. It made me think that I am just not so great at waiting for much of anything. I am just so impatient with so many things - like getting stuck in traffic, waiting to see a doctor, waiting for blood work or the labs to be done, the list could go on. I prayed this morning that God would help me to wait well. I told God that I will not throw a hissy fit if I am not pregnant right now and I would not throw a fit if I did in fact get pregnant and lose another baby. I heard someone say today that they are just in pieces. What a beautiful way to describe their brokeness. I beleive that I am in pieces for a purpose and I am asking God to help me understand that I can wait on Him and trust that His plans are the best.

Baking up some cheerfulness!

These are my famous mini pecan pies. It has been a favorite of my family and friends for many years, I even did a little stint of selling them locally to earn some extra cash.

They are so YUMMY and completely not good for you! Maybe that is why everyone likes them and I only make them for family about 2 times a year.

I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving! Over the couse of the month, I have found so much to be thankful for, but today I was reminded to always love my sweet husband and never take him for granted. God wants us to dream big and He gave us each other to dream with all the days of our lives!

Prayers and blessings to you all!

Nothing to cheer about - P+7

I called the doctor's office to get my P+7 results and they called me an hour later to give them to me. That was really fast.

When she gave them to me, I thought they were right on the mark. I told J that they would not be as high as last time bc that was so weird for me.
Last cycle: Prog. =45, estr. = 26.7
This cycle: Prog. =20.3, estr. = 15.6

I said that is really what I expected, I did not expect any high progesterone levels bc I did not feel any of the typical signs of super high progesterone. She was like "No, these are really good numbers." Really?

The truth of the matter is that when we conceived, the levels were, 20.3 and 7.1.

I am not really sad, worried, or upset. I am just tired of this rollercoaster. I ready to get off and spend my money and time in something useful.

Yet, I am still hopeful. I am so wishy-washy. I really just want to be a mommy and one day, I still believe that will come true. By the way, I have been playing around with girl names and J came up with one that I thought he did not like and I paired it with my favorite saint and think we have a winner :) This is just for fun and it keeps the dream alive! We are already pretty certain on what we would like to name our son if we ever have the pleasure to have one! A girl or a boy, it doesn't matter. We have got great names for them, so come on babies - fall from the sky!!!!

Does anyone know what the optimal ration of p/e is for a possible conception or is that just gasping for straws?

Prayers continue for all of you! I love doing this novena for all of you!

Stages of Sleep & Co-Sleeping!

I seriously need some kids to torture with an ever flashing camera so that I can give the girls (KITTIES) a break!

So much has happened since my last post, the most miraculous is the fact that my Mom changed her opinion on being Pro-choice to Pro-life. She was able to go to see Rebecca with J and I on Thursday and I was just blown away at how she could put all of my feelings about being conceived in rape right out there.
My mom was able to listen to her open-mindedly. I was able to see and talk with her and I am slowly realizing that I have nothing to apologize for in regard to how I was conceived and that all life is precious, even my own. My mom was amazed that her heart changed and it helped her to feel that no matter what mistakes she made in her life, at least she did one thing right. She told me all of this after the fact.
Miracles do still happen.
J and I had the roughest Friday/Saturday this weekend when caring for two of my cousins, whom the mom wishes to list us as guardians for in the event she would pass away. They are 12 and 13 and they have been trained to do whatever they want, behave however they want, etc. They have not always been that way, but one was much better at listening than the other. I was very proactive in always trying to be one step ahead of them, but when they are allowed to talk disrespectful and misbehave w/o any consequences, no matter what you do it is not enough. I don't really want to go into it all, but I was just heartbroken, but we had to follow through with consequences and it shocked one of them. We brought one back early to his mom and the other one got to hang out with us all day on saturday, go to the movies and the mall and even got to eat out. He was very happy. They are doing terribly in school and I just want to confront their mom and tell her to wake up! These are days you are not going to get back - wake up, it is not all about you. Help these children be successful. Their home life is dismal.

J took me out to eat last night at a nice restaurant and I don't even drink and I wanted some wine! Too bad I was post peak. We had such a nice time, we kept trying to focus on forgetting our tough time with one of the kids.

In cycle news, I got my p+7 blood draw done last friday. It was the biggest joke, they pulled the wrong orders up and was drawing for a pg test too. I told them I don't need that, utter confusion on their part. They finally decided to call the National Lab to confirm orders. I really did not care at that point, I was like just send them the dang blood, they will know what to do with it.

I am p+9 today and I am still having some mild butterfly pains on my right side. This has been off and on for the last two days. It hurts more when I lay on my right side at night.

I did confess to J that I am afraid to get/be pregnant. I know that is not courageous, but fear just takes over when I am in pain and I wonder if something serious could be wrong. The innocence is gone. I keep thinking that the next cycle would be different, but I am just having to walk blindly through this tunnel.

I did break down at the very end of mass today. I was alone on the front row (since I lectored) and an overwhelming sadness enveloped me and I was just talking to my sweet Nicky and explaining to him/her (I always sensed I was carrying a boy) that I was just so sad that I did not get a chance to meet them. All I wanted to do was meet them.

I am trying to come to terms with the possibility that I may not have any children on this earth that I can raise, but aware that I need to be thankful that I do have two that are waiting to meet me and their daddy when we get to heaven.

I am not trying to cling, I am trying to surrender. I do trust God, I just wish these dark nights would give way to a city of light soon!

Excited

I am excited to go hear a Prolife message tonight at my old university. The presenter is Rebecca Kiessling and if you have not heard of her, go.ogle her. I have been able to learn her story and if you know mine, you can easily see why I am excited to hear her speak to our community. I have invited my Mom, J, and my friend is also going with us!
This really is an answered prayer and is something I have been trying to bring to light in our community. That life is precious no matter in which way it was conceived.
The way I found out about her was through a website talking about a prolife movie Ti.ger's Hope (I think is the name of it). She discussed her hx with CrMS and Napro and she was very successful! She is now the mother of five. I am not sure if she adopted 2 or 3 kids, but I know she had at least two through the assistant of PPVI.

I want to end with a quote from when President G.W. Bush greeted Pope Benedict XVI's during his visit to the White House: "In a world where some treat life as someting to be debased and discarded, we need your message that all humanity is sacred and that 'each of us is willed, each of us is loved . . . and each of is necessary.'"

For all of this, I am thankful for today!

Thoughts on letting go

Letting Go

Let go of the desire to have children.

Let go of wanting to have children through your own womb.

Let go of wanting to have children through adoption.

Be thankful that your womb had new life growing in it for awhile.

These were all things said to me in my spiritual direction meeting yesterday. I dug in my heels and told my SD that I did not want to let go of that desire. I told them that the desire to have children is not just some fly by night idea - it has been nurtured in my heart for at least the last 12 years! Before I even met my husband, I desired to be mother and raise children. When my husband and I met, we dreamed together of becoming parents. I told them that there is nothing wrong with my desire and I don't really think that God wants me to let go of this desire. I believe with my whole heart that God has placed this desire in my heart. I did ask many years ago when I felt completely hopeless of finding help for my health problems that it the desire was not of God, that He would remove that desire from my heart.
The desire only grew stronger, especially as I began to fall in love with all children. Regardless of race or special needs. I began to see that there are children, older ones, praying for a Mom and a Dad, at the same time that I am praying for a child to love and to tuck in bed at night. We are not wealthy by any means, but we are rich in love and acceptance. We are overflowing in love for the gospel and desire to share the love of Christ with a child(ren). We have food to feed a hungry belly, running warm water to clean a child after a hard day of playing, and we have a warm, soft bed in a safe house. Why would I not desire to share that.
I tend to believe that we have something to offer and we have something to receive. Don't get me wrong, I would love a child that would come through the union of the physical love I share with my husband, but I know that I can be a good mother to a child not born of my womb and I know that my husband can be an awesome father.

I cried the whole afternoon yesterday as I wondered if God is calling me to "Let Go"

I wanted to know if I am being called to let go of the whole desire to parent children on earth and just be thankful for the two that are already in heaven.

If God is calling me to let go, he will give me the strength to do it, but the fact that I planted my feet and refused to move made me wonder if that counsel was not from God.

In hindsight, I think that my SD may have been referring to letting go of control. I told her that J and I are praying more to God that His will on how to grow our family will be revealed to us and he will teach us how to get there. My mind keeps going to adoption while I believe that J is still praying that a baby is born from my own womb.

Well, I cried nearly the whole way home and cried as I cooked dinner, to the point that tears just kept streaming. Later, when J and I reconnected, I shared with him what was upsetting me and he go just as upset and said that he doesn't think that we need to give up on our desire to be parents. Music to my ears.

I don't think that in all my years of SD that I have benn so clearly NOT directable!!! This is the same SD that suggested in-vitro and doesn't understand why I would choose to follow Church teaching in regard to this. I know this doesn't paint a pretty picture. She did not push this issue, but she pushed the one of letting go yesterday.

Control was a big topic of discussion during the meeting, that is why I think that she was trying to suggest that we pray for God to help us let go of our desire to control. I read today that the opposite of love is not hate, but control.

I think that I have been so insistent on adoption and J is so insistent on exhausting all natural means to have a baby before trying to adopt . . .we have both been trying to contol and did not even realize it. I just kept praying that his heart would open for adoption, while activately trying to pursue getting pregnant!

I don't have any more answers today than I did yesterday, but I am less teary eyed. It could be because I am P+4 and got my hcg shot last night. I had a weird CM pattern this time and I just don't feel like the month is any different that the past few months. I am so sore up top and this was present even before the hcg meds, so that is making me crazy.

I am going to resume my thankful list, I am thankful for:
(1) free food - I was given a huge amount of seafood gumbo and my hubbie ate as much as he wanted and then put a big bowl in the freezer for my mom!
(2) an amazing pro-life sign that I pass every morning that is across from a big high school! The first time I saw it, my heart was so moved. It has a young girl, around 16-17, with her hand outstretched and on the palm of her hand "Choose Life" is written in big, bold, black letters. On the side of her picture it says "1/3 of my generation has been wiped out because of abortion."
(3) my grandma. She showed me that you don't always love because you are loved, you love because you know that keeping all that love to yourself is useless, wasteful and does NOT build up the kingdom of God! Her name was Minnie Elaine (12/9/38-11/17/2004)

$2775.25

Yes, that is the going rate of a HSG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Praise God for insurance and met deductibles.

Spiritual direction stunk today . . .did a lot of crying and was told to "Let Go".

O well, I guess it is just another uncomfortable moment . . a pause in this stage of life I am going through.

When things are uncomfortable, God is most likely doing His work. Well, I have been uncomfortable for a long time now. He must have a lot of work to do on me.

No thankful list today.

It was such a busy weekend!

I got to have a great time with my friend on Friday evening! We had a great time and giggled like two little girls! It was so good for the soul. I got to sleep in on Saturday morning and then spent the afternoon with J when he returned home and we got to meet my Mom and stepdad at a local restaurant for an early dinner. What was supposed to be fun and relaxing became a miserable meal because we were there for 1/2 an hour and no one came to take our drink orders or nothing. All of the people around us were being tended to, but it was like no one saw us. I went to the hostes to see what happened and the manager came by and gave us some free things, but we were not looking for free stuff, we just wanted good service. We ended up with a very unhappy waitress and she no kind at all and so to diffuse the situation we just kept being kind. I am praying that she was just having a bad night. She seemed so burdened. It was such a strange experience. I have never seen someone so sad and angry, we prayed for her and she is still on my mind.

In other news, I was able to get some great early Christmas gifts this weekend and I have found that my mood regarding the holidays is improving. The other day, J and I were in T.arge.t and I caught myself enjoying the christmas music and he saw that crack as an opportunity to challenge me. I told him that I think it is my right to dislike the celebration of Christmas because we were supposed to have a Christmas season baby and we named them after St. Nicholas and now we have no baby. J challenged me by saying that should be a good enough reason to celebrate the birth of Jesus and the generousity of St. Nicholas this holiday season. That really stung, but it has been a gift to me so that I can get out of my own suffering for just a moment and realize that Christmas is not about me, but Jesus.

I can only say that grace has entered in and my heart is changing. I am actually looking foward to decorating for Christmas and letting what awaits me in heaven keep my hope alive. Jesus lives in my heart and my hope is in HIM. I will celebrate his birth and be thankful that I even had the chance to be pregnant and enjoy that pregnancy for a short time.

There are momens that I am so thankful that I was able to enjoy new life within me. Other times, I feel like I was teased. After so many years of being open and receiving nothing and then bam, something worked and a new soul was created. My hope has been buoyed. I am hoping with my whole heart that I will get the chance to mother another child. My heart aches for that.

Today I was able to go to Holy Mass, I had been avoiding it for the last two weeks. I have just been battling so much. There has been so much fatigue and my soul was so hurt that I could not motivate myself to go to mass for two weekends. I am glad I went today and received Jesus in the Holy Eucharist. During Mass, there was a moment when I remembered being pregnant and feeling so excited to share Jesus with my unborn baby. I was so glad to have been able to give that to my little one for awhile.

My thanful list . . .
(1) for Sam and Nicky!
(2) for the gifts of the lives of the Saints and how they teach me to love Christ more fully each day!
(3) having a somewhat uncluttered home! I watched Clean.House today and was so blown away.

Thankful . . .part 5

This may be getting old to some of you, but I am doing so much better by doing this! It has really put so much into perspective!
I am thankful for . . .
(1) Awesome CM! There must have been a split P, could not have been related to stress - hahaha! I am so thankful that I decided to not do the hcg last night! I can now wait and see!

(2) Ashley! She is a social worker I spoke to yesterday and J was on board with this and she was so kind. She works for a children's home and they do adoptions. There are not many, but you never know. You don't pay a penny until a child is in your home and the fees for when it is done are amazing! A donation to care for the other children in their care. What grace. I don't know where this will lead, but I discovered them by putting about 10 puzzle pieces together on tuesday and how it came to my attention was very random. All we have to do is a short summary of our life and our dreams along with a photo to them and they will share it with the girls in their maternity home. Once (if) we are chosen then all the fun begins. That is when they do the home study,etc. I am not going to worry about how strange it all seems, I am just so excited we are going to be doing our part by making ourselves available and pray that if it is God's will the right birthmother would be led to choose us!

(3) I am going to have a girls night with one of my dearest friends tonight! I can't wait to visit! She is the kind of friend you can just share anything with and her reaction is almost always so unexpectedly kind and challenging :). Thank you God for wonderful friends and being able to visit them!

Thankful for . . . part 4

I am thankful for
(1) Really great christian music and songwriters who can bring the scriptures alive for me and bring me to a new perspective on suffering for the cross and hoping for the resurrection!

(2) Amazing God-appointed friends on this journey to parenthood. My soul used to be so burdened and felt so alone on this journey. While it still hurts my heart that so many others are in a similar pain, I am thankful that I get to see their faith and hope.

(3) I am thankful that my husband is praying with me and begging God for His will to known to us.

Thankful for . . .part 3

I am thankful for . . .
(1) the freedom to pray
(2) the freedom of not living in fear, giving in huge part by the sacrifice of our veterans.
(3) free long distance on my cell phone, it is the only way I can keep in touch with my Omaha doctor and pharmacy!

There is a theme here today . . . free!

Life goes on whether my heart is sorrowful or not.
New babies are born everyday, new souls are claimed for Heaven.

Jesus is the prize.

Thankful for . . .

I am determined to make this month a thankful one! I may have started late, but here are three things I am thankful for today:
(1) My Mom, I am so grateful for her courage to give me life.
(2) Daisy & Baylie
(3) A job with benefits!

Lazy Haze

It seems that I have been so lazy lately and my brain is stuck in a cloudy haze. I don't really know how to get out of that funk. It has me pretty worried.
Even my husband told me today "Isn't too early in the month to be feeling this way?" That question did wonders for my spirit! Yeah right. I did not hold it against him though because I am wondering the same thing.
Today is cd 13 and it was so funny that I actually got upset for not having the bodily signs I want to see at this stage in the game. I guess it is possible for me to have a peak on cd 12, but that would be a record for me. I did feel some pain on my left side today that would have made me think it could be related to O pain.
I am confident that I am way too emotional about all of it, but I just felt so hopeless today. I thought to myself, I guess we just have to learn to live with dissatisfaction. I don't think that I can settle to be like that though and I don't think I should have to, but if I am storing up my treasures in Heaven, then why should I worry?
I am amazed at how God moves in the lives of others, but I just wonder what He has in mind for us. I am tired of begging. Yet I will keep begging if I will get what I want. The only way to find out is to keep begging :)
I am just so excited for GIMH's miracle. Praise God, He is still in the miracle business. (by the way, I don't know how to make a link, feel free to give me tech advice!)
A fellow blogger is saying things she is grateful for each day in November, so I will try to the same Maybe showing my gratitude will change my heart from focusing on my sorrow.
Here goes:
(1) My wonderful husband, he always keeps me remembering that God still loves me even though He took my babies to their eternal home.
(2) My three sweet godsons . . . what an honor to watch them grow.
(3) Good sales at JCP! Seriously, I love to shop!

I survived!

If the way the morning was going was going to indicate the results of my test today, I would have been in trouble.

I said I have been avoiding all kinds of things lately and I really did not want to get up to go to town to do MORE fertility testing. I must have pressed the SNOOZE 3 times when the phone promptly rings at 7:30 AM and it is the insurance lady at the hospital telling me: "Your insurance is not going to cover this service today because it was coded as being related to INFERTILITY!" I tell you if I here one more person use the word Infertility around me today, I just might be willing to give them a black eye even though it is no longer Halloween.

I ended up figuring out she was trying to run the pre-authorization wrong and she tried to blame my doctor for coding it wrong. I simply told her "It is always someone else's fault, right?" It really caused her to stop and realize that yes, we are always looking to point fingers at someone else.

So since my hsg was set for 9:00 AM and I live 1/2 an hour away from the hospital, I get on the phone to the insurance agency and get close to nowhere, but at least the lady was nice. I was crying at this point bc here I am figting to get some stupid test done that I don't really want to have to do at all. Well, my doctor's office doesn't open until 9:00 AM so I call at 7:40 and leave a message explaining the situation. I then decide I am not going to miss taking this test. I can fight the insurance later and if a few hundred dollars is all it takes for me to have some peace of mind, we will have to work with that.

I quickly dressed and headed out to town and then the office manager from my doctor's office calls me at 8:20 to let me know that she got my message and is getting the paperwork checked out and that they was not code of IF on the paperwork. I asked her to make me copies of all the paperwork and I will pick it up on my way to the hospital. She agrees to this and remains courteous, I do love my new doctor's office. Thankfully, my doctor is right next to the hospital so I hurry to get there and do all the admitting junk, but only after stopping at W.algreen's to get some advil. FYI, the advil did work to make it less painful.

I finally make it to the doctor's office, get all the paperwork and manage to get to the hospital on time. Whew.

Yet, when I get there, they take their time in admitting and then I find out that the staff thinks I am scheduled for 10AM. I am holding the appointmet time in my hand and there are still telling me it is NOT at 9 AM and I will have to wait.

WAIT! The story of my life.

So I wait and I was so thankful that I waited. I had the most kind radiologist and Rad Tech I have ever met. They were worth the wait. They were thorough, kind, and patient.

YET, the silly girls prepping me ask "Is this for infertility?" There were not ready for my answer when I told them no. I am not infertile. I MONITOR my fertility. My fertility is not exactly waving me in, but I do believe I have SOME! I told them that I just had a loss of my left tube due to a rupture for the ectopic pregnancy in May. I told them we want to know if the other tube is good.

Woe to the next person who asks me if I am infertile!!!

I think I have just aquired a great distaste for that word and this word is no longer going to define me. I am a woman who is struggling to have the family I have always dreamed about.

Well, the test actually went well and we got some really great pictures of my tubes, cervix, and uterus. The doctor exclaimed in the beginning of the procedure "You've got a great looking cervix" Something I never thought I would hear, but oh such a tender gesture for him to share that when he knew I was so nervous. The right tube was FULLY OPEN! There was free spill on the right side. AMAZING. My tube was nothing like the images we see in textbooks though. Mine seemed so long and thin and curvy, but the doctor said this is a great tube given my history. The best thing is that I saw the images with my own eyes.
He also said "The proof is in the pudding though" Meaning that we will have to just wait and see if a fertilized egg will make its way to my womb. For the time being we are just going to assume that I have great eggs and ovulate with clomid.
My husband called me as I was leaving the hospital and I told him the news. He was relieved. I am relieved.

I did tell him, I guess we will try until we have nothing left to offer. We will just have to trust that if God wants to bring new life and if it finds its way to my uterus we will be thankful and if we are able to conceive new life and the baby gets stuck again, we will still be thankful for that little life and it will still all be worth it. We will just offer praise to God in whatever circumstance we find ourselves.

I just don't know if another pregnancy is part of God's will for us, but I am hoping so and I am hoping that this might be a baby I can hold and watch grow.

I am still so in love with adoption too. It is really hard on my heart to not be ready to pursue adoption yet when I am ready to start that process. I don't want to come across as silly, but my heart is just so moved with love for all children, that I want to be ready for the one (or more) God is ready to share with us.

Baylie is HOME! I am so happy. She is hurting and moving slowing, but she still jumps although I am trying to keep her from doing this. My heart aches to see her hurting. It makes me wonder if this is just a taste of what J felt as he watches me suffer?

Thanks for all your prayers for both me and Baylie! We are grateful!

hsg tomorrow

the hsg is tomorrow

I am certainly not thrilled and really told God that I am not happy that I am still on this roller coaster.

I just want to move on.

I don't want to be trying to get pregnant when I should still be pregnant.

I have been giving myself a pretty good pity party the past two days! My emotions are all over the place and I am a holy terror to live with right now. I haven't felt this low in a long time.

Part of it was brought on when my mom pressured me to make a decision on how we were planning to spend the holidays. I clearly told her when it was obvious that only the blunt truth would work that I am not looking foward to the holidays. I want to actually go on vacation for Christmas.

Avoiding is what I am really desiring right now. I want to avoid so many things and today, just thinking of these things would bring tears to my eyes.

I am having a huge battle right now. I am having such a hard time trusting that God is in all of this.

I believe that I will not be in this place for long, but it just makes me understand just a little bit of the suffering of Mother Theresa and her soul's dark nights.

The highlight of Friday is that I am off and once the test is over, I can bring Baylie home.

Baylie **UPDATE**

Today is Baylie's surgery day. She was not happy to be giving up food after 9 pm and was so sad as we drove to the vet's office.

In all honesty, I am going to miss her and worry about her until I can pick her up on Friday after my hsg.

I spent some special time with her this morning before putting her in the kennel and also annointed her with Holy Water. She also got a very special St. Francis blessing.

Could I be anymore nuts? I am trying to humanize my poor Baylie. She is our baby though and she was there with me as I recoved from the emergency surgery for the ectopic pregnancy.

All I can say is she is one loved cat and I won't be the only one to miss her. Daisy will be looking for her until we bring her home.

**
Update:

Baylie is doing well. The vet just called to let me know that she is waking up and did wonderful in surgery! Praise God! Thanks for all your prayers!

What is it?

I have been having some of the weirdest pains and I just can't identify why they are happening. I don't remember ever having so many sensations in my ovaries, tubes, etc. There were some short, cramping moments today and my body is just so hard to read.

I find that I am trying really hard to not spend too much time thinking about these things because it is just so hard to cast off fear.

It has just been such a spiritual battle lately.

Trust vs. Fear.

Hope vs. Hopelessness.

Faith vs. Feelings of Abandonment.

Trust has been so hard for me lately. I do trust that no matter what I will face, I will have consolation from God, but I am having a hard time trusting that I can find joy and peace if I don't ever get that which I have invested so much of myself into obtaining, through grace.

Sometimes I wonder how we have managed to keep going after the same goal for the last nine years. How is it that we have not given up? How is it that the dream has not died? How is it that the fire of our dream gets stronger and stronger, month after loving month?

Only by God's grace.

I think that the reason our hope is still alive is becasue we know that God is not done. We do know that God's best work is done in what we perceive as darkness. We know that God's mind will not change no matter how much we plead, but that he is there to hold us tenderly and remain there with us in the desert until we finally see the running stream. We know that our God makes a highway in the desert and that He will never leave us figure it all out on our own.

He loves us too much to leave us orphans.

This is what I know . . . so why does my heart still wonder and waver?

I talked with a friend of mine about fear today and she told me that she has never really experienced the kind of fear that I am struggling with in placing myself at the disposal of God. She did not say this in an ugly way, she just did not recognize this emotion in herself and maybe she has not been there . . . where she is at the end of what she knows to be real and then asked to go even further.

That is what I feel like I am being asked to do. Everything in my being wants to be self-preserving. I think that is why I am being called to ask for St. Gianna's intercession right now. I am having to learn from her motherhood. I am having to absorb her confidience that God gives you the strength to do all of the things he calls you to do. I am just so amazed at her courage. In none of the information I have read so far discusses any of the fear she could have experienced when being told of her compromised health during her last pregnancy. I have read that she KNEW she was called to the vocation of motherhood. In the describing of this calling, it felt very much like my own calling. I feel completely called to be a mother.

There is a passion to fulfill this vocation, there is no lukewarmness about it. It is a fire-engine red kind of passion.

I heard today that I need to love the "Blesser" more than the "Blessings". This called me to re-evaluate my desires. I think sometimes I get bogged down in seeking blessings and not being as thankful for the ongoing presence of the "Blesser".

This is my cross.

This is part of my path to salvation.

This is my suffering.

This will be my story of HOPE.

This will be my story of GRACE.

This is my story of LOVE.

I shall not hide in the shame of my cross, for this is what is transforming me.

I shall not curse this path, for it is surely bringing me to the Throne of Grace.

I shall not shrink in this time of suffering, for this is what is teaching me to reflect the love of the suffering Christ.

My Girls

Happy Halloween!

I thought it would fun to have some pumpkin pictures with cats. Can you believe that they would not pose for me? They were just too inquisitive.

Cycle Review

We have officially been given the Green Light to try for pregnancy by the staff at PPVI. As you all know we did try last month, but they actually think we can have a chance this cycle. They even got very specific with me about timing, more so than in the past. She even assured me of prayers for a successful cycle which is not something that has been said before from them.

They had the doctor review my chart for last cycle and they found no tremendous problems. They are very pleased with my hormone levels, my CM pattern (which I am not as happy about, to me it is ambiguous), and really thought that the pain I could have had on the right side could have been my body preparing for a new cycle. They seem to think that I may have gotten crampy earlier instead of with the onset of cd 1. This sort of makes sense to me or they suggested it could have been a stomach bug (I am also inclined to believe this might have been the case since I had to keep running back and forth to the bathroom.) The other idea is that it could have been a corpus lutuem cyst that resolved itself. I know this may seem like way too many possibilities, but I am just going to go with it for now because I am tired of freaking myself out over it and it is gone right now.

I do have my hsg scheduled for November 6, 2009 at 9 AM. I don’t know if the radiologist will let me know if things are good or bad, but I am hoping for the best. I don’t want to be waiting for results for a long time.

I am hoping that my mind is just overactive and because of the difficult experiences I have had I just worry unnecessarily.

My phone has been ringing from all the nurses. If you want to feel popular, start a new cycle . . . hahahaha.

My FIL, who I am very close to, got sick this morning with chest pains and they had to rush him to the hospital. Once there the found out that his blood sugar was way too high and once they got that down they would be able to check his heart for any signs of risk for heart attack. Both of our parents are very young, our moms are 49 and his dad is 51. My FIL is my husband’s best friend, so J was nervous, as was I, today. We feel better that they are monitoring him. They can use all the prayers that can be offered. They are having a lot of trials right now.

I am clomid bound, so anything is likely to come out of my mouth or eyes!

Romance & Gifts

This was waitng on me on Tuesday eveing when I got home from work!




A little bit of hope, love, romance ~ all in one simple rose!

There is always something to be thankful for and as always, my rose reminds me that I am in the prayers of St. Therese.

New beginning

P+17 turned into cd1. Could that be a country and western song for mommy wannabe’s???

Seriously, I was not so much depressed as angry this time. I did have some terrible moments of just wanting to move on without God yesterday. I knew this wasn’t possible for me or even fruitful so it passed, thank goodness. I was really relieved to not be scared of a baby stuck in my right tube though.

In the words of husband, “We really did not try hard this month . . .” I told him I did. I think he was there 

Anyway, I just send my chart to ppvi and waiting for the cycle review. Not happy about what the pain on my right side could have been.

I had a terrible fight with J last night about adoption and ttc. He just thinks that if we go toward adoption, we are giving up. I told him that I just wish he would stop calling me a quitter bc I am tired, scared, and just overwhelmed with all of the meds, medical scares and pains, etc. The truth of the matter is that there is no guarantee that we would have the chance to adopt but I do want to be open to whatever blessing God wants to send to us. I think that by doing that, it is an extension of us being open to life.

We got over the argument and made up, but I think sometimes we are just so loving that we don’t push each other too far. I don’t want him to be open to adoption only to please me although I know his heart could change, it might not and that would not make for a happy family.

A few days ago I was talking to a foreign priest and he asked me many questions about my life, work, etc. He asked the inevitable question “Do you and your husband have any children?” I went to say “No” meaning none here that we can see and I said “we were blessed with two who are in Heaven.” He looked at me funny and asked what I meant. I told him that we were given two babies that died before they were born. It was so hard to say, but necessary for me. He then told me so simply “Well, children are a gift from God so if he decides to take them back He can.” He probably meant for that to be consoling, but it just put it so simply for me to understand why I am so angry.

God did give us a precious gift, twice. Then He took them back. What kind of loving Father does that? If God is all powerful, why did he let our first baby slip away from us quietly and then let our other baby to get placed in a place it would not have the chance to survive. I am beginning to think that God did not want this to happen, but it did. My diseased body made it happened. I don’t have any assurance that it won’t do it again. This is real faith here. I just can’t imagine God asking anymore of me, but I know that He will.

This morning I begged Him to move mountains.

This is a terrible time of year for people who yearn to be parents to living, breathing, thriving children. Halloween, Thanksgiving with tons of family with their happy family, and then Christmas. I have managed to avoid every Christmas display and I get angry looking at them when I am out because it just reminds me of all the dreams I had of having my baby during the Christmas season.

I am just sad right now. I don’t really know where I will find the strength to move on, but I will somehow.

Down

I am just down today, it is P+17 (I think) and I have been having all kinds of pain on both right and left sides. The left side is usually present when a new cycle is close. This never happened before the ectopic pregnancy, but is very present now. I don't know if there are some adhesions, or just the cost of having to be reminded of what my body failed to do to keep Nicky safe.

The bbt dropped alot today and I am convinced that I was never pregnant and that the higher than normal progesterone and hcg gave me the symptoms of pseudo-pregnancy. I am really just feeling so overwhelmed. I an not so much crushed about the no pregnancy right now because that could me we can find out some more answers about the health of my right tube, etc. I am just so worried about pain and wondering if a pregnancy test would have picked up on another ectopic one. That has been my real struggle. I really want to just stop putting so much pressure on my body, my spirit.

It seems so easy to try to get pregnant, nearly everyone can do it.

I just want to stay home and hide away in bed today. I did call to do a blood test to rule out any other things that may be overlooked right now, but I just know it will tell me what the plastic dream crasher told me twice. If it comes up with any other answer, that just leads to more concerns as my temps are dropping and the signs are going away.

Sidenote: I have been wondering if the pain on the right could have been the appendix. It improves with tylenol. I took one saturday night and one last night.
So that is probably not it. As soon as AF arrives I can call my local doctor and schedule the hsg and I will talk with her about all of the pain. I am thinking that I will be happy to wait until 2010 to try again. I think I need a break. I am at the breaking point right now.

P+16

I am at p+16 and not even sure what is going on with my body right now. I did a hpt and it was -. I do not feel real crampy like a new cycle is on its way and my bbt is dropping a bit. I am wondering if bc I had such high progesterone this cycle if it would take longer to decrease so that a new cycle could start? Did I completely miss my p day this time and do all of the hcg, bloodwork, etc too soon? I don't think so bc the hormones were definitely post ovulatory. I went to bed at 8pm last night and had to wake up at 9pm to take my t3. I slept until 6:30 am. I did this the other day too. I do think that the prog. is dropping bc the bbs are not as sore and my bbt is decreasing (this morning 98.6). I guess if there is no sign of cd 1 tomorrow I will call for a blood test.

Unfortunately, I have let my heart dream this cycle and I told my husband last night that one day I will be able to decorate a nursery for our baby. My heart is still hopeful and tender.

LIM Blog Anniversary!

I have been looking foward to this post, celebrating the 1st anniversary of my blog.

I remeber when I started blogging one year ago, I was recovering from my laparatomy and was looking online for some hopeful support and came across AYWH's blog and then I found all of the others through different blog rolls and I was hooked. I was just so amazed at finding women who was trying to live out their vocation as faithful wives and with the same desire I had of trying to grow our family. It was so encouraging to be reminded that in the darkest moments that God is present and working. Even in the darkness, work is being done.

Little did I know that when I began blogging it would bring me to a deeper faith in God's goodness and learn so many things about the saints and church teachings. I learned so much about maintaining good health and optimizing fertility. By blogging and being connected to others who share my journey, I have been blessed in so many ways, espeically because of the continued encouragement and never-ending prayers. I am forever grateful. I pray for all of my fellow bloggers nightly and pray that God miraculously fills all of our waiting wombs!

Over the course of the last year, I have had some of the most amazing moments and some of the saddest and scariest times. It has been one eventful year.

I will never forget the time of posting begging for advice about the hcg shots. I fondly remember blogging about my miracle pregnancy in April! After eight years of dealing with IF and terrible hormones and one very early m/c . . . I was pregnant. What joy I experienced. I remember that first mother's day and I felt like an imposter and still wanted to hide at home. I remember getting a white ribbon at mass and I still carry that ribbon with me daily as a reminder of our sweet Nicky's little life.

I am now back to the rollercoaster of checking hormones and popping pills, but my life has been changed becasue of this blog. I no longer feel alone in a cold, fertile world. I know that my emotions are normal and I tend to handle myself with more tenderness. I know my limits. I know when to not put myself in situations where I will most likely have a tremendous meltdown. Although yesterday at mass, the mere mention of preparing for All Souls Day brought tears out.

I hope that there are many joyful posts in the next year, I surely know there will be ones filled with venting!

One last, but very important thing that I have learned over the last year is that adoption is not easy. It is a calling, a miracle. A calling for not only the adoptive parents but for the parents of that child who are choosing to place their child into the waiting arms of someone else. I have learned that parenting is hard and that not being able to parent when you think you are ready to do so is equally hard.

In the naming of my blog, I remember struggling to come up with a name and I felt like we had been through many mazes in our journey to bring new life in to our family and I was hoping we were finding our way to the end of that maze. I am still hopeful, thankful, and will continue to try to have joy in my heart that is steadfast. I look foward to what the next year will hold!


Christ, continue to be my strength and my hope! Amen.