I just feel so DEFEATED.
I just don't know how not to be disappointed. I am just ready to be living out the vocation of motherhood. I am sick and tired of people telling me that I should just try some more, say some more prayers, or just wait for God. I have done all of those things, along with my husband and I am still where I don't want to be.
I don't want to hear any more flowery words about the gift of infertility. I don't want to hear that God is using this time to make me a better person (potenentially as a mother).
I don't want to hear about all the abandoned children in this world that I cannot raise and love.
I don't want to hear about all the babies and children out there in the world being mistreated, abused, and needlessly suffering because I cannot protect them.
I don't want to hear about one more child not getting a warm meal or clean water when my heart is just aching to meet all of their needs - when I am just aching to be used by God to show them the warmth of His love and the strength of His protection.
My spirit is broken. My spirit is weak. I am the suffering soul that is walking right beside all the smiling faces and I, too, have a smile pasted on my face despite the shatteredness of my ragged emotions.
I feel so spent by God. I feel so abandoned and used. Why is that I am asked to suffer this tremendous cross? I am tired of people minimizing my suffering. I am tired of not bearing this cross joyfully.
I did say that I would do my best to not blame God if we did not conceive this cycle, but it is just so much more than that. I am unceasingly trying to be a wife on fire with zeal for my vocation as a wife but that is so tied with the vocation of motherhood, that I feel like such a failure.
What I do know is that I have not been abandoned by God and that even though my suffering is great, God loves me and my husband tremendously.
I have to admit, I don't know the plans God has for me and my family.
I feel like I am in a very dark place. I don't exactly feel hopeless, I just feel defeated! Like I am laying flat on the muddy football field when the other team is scoring in the end zone. Can you tell my dh is watching the game as I blog?
I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. You've had a rough year, and there is nothing wrong with being sad, especially since you getting close to your EDD. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThat's a really beautiful post. And I'm sure we've all felt like that during this trial of infertility. That pretty much sums up how I feel all the time!
ReplyDeleteYou came to mind this morning when I was at daily mass, God must have known that you needed my prayers. :)
ReplyDeleteFirst, sorry for my absence. You going private apparently took you off my updates. I felt something missing in my life :) and honed in on it being no LIM.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I'm not going to minimize this at all. I have been here and am sure I will be again. This is so painful and sometimes all that pain just takes over. When I posted about my 3rd miscarriage and all my "unanswered prayers" Shannon commented to let myself be lifted up by the prayer others even when I couldn't pray myself. And I did. I would try to pray, but the anger was too great, but I did close my mind and imagine the faceless bloggers who may have prayed for me that day. And it got me through until I was able to talk to God again. So for the time being, let yourself be lifted up by others. That's what we are here for.
Man! You being private has totally cut me off! :) I have to remember you are private now. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry there really is nothing anyone can say. I think Ann summed it up perfectly, let us hold you tight in prayer!
xxoo
Not that it helps, but we have all been there.
ReplyDeleteI do not think there could be a heavier cross given to a woman other than infertility. It cuts right down to the core of who you are as a woman and yes, a wife. Because we can't mother our husbands the way we feel called to. (except when they are sick, of course:)
There is nothing I can say to make it better for you. But I am glad you went private so you can "let er rip" when you need to. I feel like my blog is the only "safe" place I have, other than alone in prayer with God. I know all of you understand because you are right here in the trenches with me.
I know it doesn't make things better, but we ARE down in the trenches with you, and I will pray extra hard for you now that I know you are struggling so much. It just doesn't get any easier. Ever.