still moving

Last night I watched the big.gest loser where they are running the marathon. They were in pain and even though they accomplished alot, it was still hard. They desired so much to give up, but they desired to inspire others and make it to their goal more.

I feel like I am stuck right now. I am ready to give up, yet I am not ready to not be open to life and apparently I need a HUGE amount of prescriptions drugs to make me somewhat open to life.

I am losing all of my enthusiam to have a baby and I am not pushing adoption anymore. All it does is make my husband and I argue and while we have been encouraged to let go of it all, we were not ready to do that and we still are not ready to throw in the towel, but I just feel like we are fighting to not fall off of the mountain.

I have realized that we were extremely blessed to even be able to become a mother/father through the gift of one another and we should be thankful that somehow we are were/are parents to two souls. Yet, in reality that offers very little consolation.

I found myself, not caring about my crappy cycle review, I never even called the lady back after she left the message. I was somewhat hopeful at first, but I feel like I am just getting nowhere. I asked them about doing the clomid on cd4-8, instead of cd3-7 since this is how it worked the first time I was on clomid. I told them that I was concerned about the longer LP (16 days) so they decided to try the hcg on p+3,5,7 and to not do the hcg on p+9. I am still going to continue at 2500 units. I am now taking 1000 mg of metformin XR at bedtime and I am still on the vitamin b6, prenatals, and t3.

Well, today I finally got off the pitty potty and refilled the meds, picked them up, etc.

I am still completely terrified of a life without children. I am still terrified of having another ectopic pregnancy, etc. I really don't know how to get rid of the fear. I am just not doing so well in my faith and it is really draining.

I think that I used to think that God could interrupt my screwed up system anytime he desired and bless us with a baby, but now I am just thinking it is all about meds, science, charting and even that is not working. I know that God is the author of life, but I struggling to keep that trust alive.

My nagging, complaining, worrying, anxiety, fear, and anger is making my marriage miserable. I am attacking the one I love the most and I want to blame him for so many things.

There is so much inside of me that is just wanting to be rebellious. I keep thinking that right when you are wanting to give up, the answer could be right under your nose. I don't know what is going on right now, but prayers are so hard to utter for myself. I am finding that my spirit is just so wounded. I am not angry at God for not giving my desire, I am angry that he is not letting me know why we are asked to bear this cross.

This post is really all over the place. I am so thankful for all of your prayers, I could not pray for two days. I still can't listen to my christian music. I don't know why I am acting out this way, but this is how it is right now. I think alot of the down feelings had to do the the huge drop of hormones (is that a copout?) bc for two days the tears would just roll down my cheeks and I would be wiping away tears constantly. This is not normal. Before my surgeries or got my hormones better, I was used to really bad levels and I was more emotionally stable. Plus I was not really hopeful at that time and now I was thinking that if we got everything to line up, it would work again, but that didn't happen. This could go on forever or it could change in an instant.

The very best that I was able to do was to offer up my suffering, both physically and emotionally, for my prayer buddy.

The irony of my starting my period on the first day of advent has not been lost on me and I think that is what I am supposed to be learning about right now. I could have been waiting for my baby to be born, but now I am waiting and hoping for another baby one day, all the while loving the babies I know in heaven.

One more thought, I recently got a little card about the development of a baby from conception to birth and it talked about how a newly conceived life is about the size of a grain of sugar or smaller and I motivated myself to believe that my tube could allow a grain of sugar to pass through it, so I had the plan to call our little one "Sugar". One day I will have that chance. I am still trying to be hopeful. The past three days have been so hard physically with pain and cramps, it took all I had to get up and go to work. I haven't been able to sleep much. It has finally lessened and I hope to rest well tonight. I am thankful that it looks like I might have had a really great lining though.

I am not sure I ever wrote a post this scattered or long so if you all are still reading, thanks and thanks for your prayers and encouragement!