New beginning

P+17 turned into cd1. Could that be a country and western song for mommy wannabe’s???

Seriously, I was not so much depressed as angry this time. I did have some terrible moments of just wanting to move on without God yesterday. I knew this wasn’t possible for me or even fruitful so it passed, thank goodness. I was really relieved to not be scared of a baby stuck in my right tube though.

In the words of husband, “We really did not try hard this month . . .” I told him I did. I think he was there 

Anyway, I just send my chart to ppvi and waiting for the cycle review. Not happy about what the pain on my right side could have been.

I had a terrible fight with J last night about adoption and ttc. He just thinks that if we go toward adoption, we are giving up. I told him that I just wish he would stop calling me a quitter bc I am tired, scared, and just overwhelmed with all of the meds, medical scares and pains, etc. The truth of the matter is that there is no guarantee that we would have the chance to adopt but I do want to be open to whatever blessing God wants to send to us. I think that by doing that, it is an extension of us being open to life.

We got over the argument and made up, but I think sometimes we are just so loving that we don’t push each other too far. I don’t want him to be open to adoption only to please me although I know his heart could change, it might not and that would not make for a happy family.

A few days ago I was talking to a foreign priest and he asked me many questions about my life, work, etc. He asked the inevitable question “Do you and your husband have any children?” I went to say “No” meaning none here that we can see and I said “we were blessed with two who are in Heaven.” He looked at me funny and asked what I meant. I told him that we were given two babies that died before they were born. It was so hard to say, but necessary for me. He then told me so simply “Well, children are a gift from God so if he decides to take them back He can.” He probably meant for that to be consoling, but it just put it so simply for me to understand why I am so angry.

God did give us a precious gift, twice. Then He took them back. What kind of loving Father does that? If God is all powerful, why did he let our first baby slip away from us quietly and then let our other baby to get placed in a place it would not have the chance to survive. I am beginning to think that God did not want this to happen, but it did. My diseased body made it happened. I don’t have any assurance that it won’t do it again. This is real faith here. I just can’t imagine God asking anymore of me, but I know that He will.

This morning I begged Him to move mountains.

This is a terrible time of year for people who yearn to be parents to living, breathing, thriving children. Halloween, Thanksgiving with tons of family with their happy family, and then Christmas. I have managed to avoid every Christmas display and I get angry looking at them when I am out because it just reminds me of all the dreams I had of having my baby during the Christmas season.

I am just sad right now. I don’t really know where I will find the strength to move on, but I will somehow.