It was such a busy weekend!

I got to have a great time with my friend on Friday evening! We had a great time and giggled like two little girls! It was so good for the soul. I got to sleep in on Saturday morning and then spent the afternoon with J when he returned home and we got to meet my Mom and stepdad at a local restaurant for an early dinner. What was supposed to be fun and relaxing became a miserable meal because we were there for 1/2 an hour and no one came to take our drink orders or nothing. All of the people around us were being tended to, but it was like no one saw us. I went to the hostes to see what happened and the manager came by and gave us some free things, but we were not looking for free stuff, we just wanted good service. We ended up with a very unhappy waitress and she no kind at all and so to diffuse the situation we just kept being kind. I am praying that she was just having a bad night. She seemed so burdened. It was such a strange experience. I have never seen someone so sad and angry, we prayed for her and she is still on my mind.

In other news, I was able to get some great early Christmas gifts this weekend and I have found that my mood regarding the holidays is improving. The other day, J and I were in T.arge.t and I caught myself enjoying the christmas music and he saw that crack as an opportunity to challenge me. I told him that I think it is my right to dislike the celebration of Christmas because we were supposed to have a Christmas season baby and we named them after St. Nicholas and now we have no baby. J challenged me by saying that should be a good enough reason to celebrate the birth of Jesus and the generousity of St. Nicholas this holiday season. That really stung, but it has been a gift to me so that I can get out of my own suffering for just a moment and realize that Christmas is not about me, but Jesus.

I can only say that grace has entered in and my heart is changing. I am actually looking foward to decorating for Christmas and letting what awaits me in heaven keep my hope alive. Jesus lives in my heart and my hope is in HIM. I will celebrate his birth and be thankful that I even had the chance to be pregnant and enjoy that pregnancy for a short time.

There are momens that I am so thankful that I was able to enjoy new life within me. Other times, I feel like I was teased. After so many years of being open and receiving nothing and then bam, something worked and a new soul was created. My hope has been buoyed. I am hoping with my whole heart that I will get the chance to mother another child. My heart aches for that.

Today I was able to go to Holy Mass, I had been avoiding it for the last two weeks. I have just been battling so much. There has been so much fatigue and my soul was so hurt that I could not motivate myself to go to mass for two weekends. I am glad I went today and received Jesus in the Holy Eucharist. During Mass, there was a moment when I remembered being pregnant and feeling so excited to share Jesus with my unborn baby. I was so glad to have been able to give that to my little one for awhile.

My thanful list . . .
(1) for Sam and Nicky!
(2) for the gifts of the lives of the Saints and how they teach me to love Christ more fully each day!
(3) having a somewhat uncluttered home! I watched Clean.House today and was so blown away.