where is there a safe place?

I had a great, but exhausting weekend with my family this weekend! The company was great, the food was fabulous, too bad our team did not win their game. There is always next time.
It was only at the end of the weekend that I got sad. My mom offered to join us for mass and it was very important to go because it was the 4th sunday of advent and since we had stayed up late and needed to bring her home, we were unsure what Mass we would be able to attend. Wel, we got to go to our favorite Mass that we have been going to and the homily was great, one of the lectors did an awesome job of reading the second reading that my heart was turned, and I was so thankful to just be there. The only problem was this gorgeous baby that was only a few months sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I could not look past this baby, it took my full concentration to focus on the priest so that I could simply survive. I managed to avoid looking directly at this baby, but not for long. Even J said "that baby just keeps watching you". Any other time I would have oohed and ahhed over this baby, but this one just took my breath away and I wanted have my baby. It did not help to see my mom just fall head over hills in love for this baby.
Tears silently streamed down my face, past my neck, they never seemed to end. J got so sad for me. I wasn't looking for someone to feel bad for me, in fact I did all that I could to keep my tears to where no one could see them, but in trying to not face my mom, I tried to face J the most as the tears flowed. I told J that if that woman would have looked back at me and said "I cannot care for this child, will take him?" I would have said yes in a heartbeat and never looked back. He agreed with me by saying "Who wouldn't?" God is working on his heart, I know He is!
So I prayed for grace throughout the whole mass and it was just a very special time. Grace covered me! Oh, and when J and I were talking about why that baby seemed so interested in me, you know how they get fixiated on things, well even J said this one was fixiated on me and J just told me "Don't you see that as a good sign?" I told him that it did not occur to me to be a good sign, but I sure hope it was a sign straight from heaven.
Well, I suvived Sunday, only to fall flat on my face today. Not so much with tears at the sight of ANOTHER stunning little one, but just that no place is safe for me. If I would have known that someone was bringing a brand new baby to our staff Christmas party, I would have been able to prepare myself. I did not know, but lo, and behold they show up and everyone is begging to hold her, everyone except me. I hate that IF and pregnancy loss has jaded me so much that I can't trust my emotions to remain intact when I am holing a new baby, much less hearing how much she is a blessing to her mother. While I managed to admire this little angel from afar and remaining aloof about it all, a Sister sits next to me and tells me that her family is expecting SIX new babies in the next few months. Then she went on to tell me that three were just born in the last two months. I know all of the girls she was talking about, I went to college with almost all of them! One of my dear friends is expecting baby #5 and she clearly wrote that while she never expected to have FIVE, she is SO HAPPY!. Well, I dreamed of having FIVE and I have NONE and I am not too happy about it.
So needless to say, I did not stay around long and went back to the office and opened up shop. What really made the waterworkds come out was when a lady who realized she was asking more and more questions about those new babies next to me and getting so excited about them came to me later and apologized for being insensitive. She said "I don't know why I opened up that conversation, it was not a good idea to talk about that at this time." My tears were for two reasons. First, I don't want people to be so aware of my pain that they guard themselves but secondly I was so suprised that someone noticed my pain and suffering. It just amazed me how people can forget that I was ever supposed to be delivering a baby this week, but when someone does remember the tears still come.
I had been doing so well until being presented with these beautiful babies. The desire is SO STRONG! I am ready to get a call of someone who will not be able to parent their child and would choose us to parent that baby. Yet, we haven't even started the adoption p/w. I am ready to get a BFP, but I don't even know if we will ever be able to conceive again of if I would be able to maintain a healthy pregnancy and safely deliver a baby. It is all about trust and that is what I am counting on right now. I am placing my hope and trust in GOD!
Today is p+4, did the first hcg injection last night. I would love for this cycle to be successful, but I will try hard to keep my chin up if my prayers are not answered the way I want them to be answered. So leave it to me to need a blood draw on CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!! I had to coordinate with my lab today to make sure they were open and they will be opened to noon, but they will have to freeze my blood since PPVI lab will be closed for the holiday. I might get my blood work results in before the new year, I hope so. I am just so hopeful!

One last thought, I am missing all of the comments I used to get when I was public and not private. Yet I do feel a sense of peace knowing my readers.
If anyone is reading this (HAHAHA) - I wish you all a merry christmas!