Thoughts on letting go

Letting Go

Let go of the desire to have children.

Let go of wanting to have children through your own womb.

Let go of wanting to have children through adoption.

Be thankful that your womb had new life growing in it for awhile.

These were all things said to me in my spiritual direction meeting yesterday. I dug in my heels and told my SD that I did not want to let go of that desire. I told them that the desire to have children is not just some fly by night idea - it has been nurtured in my heart for at least the last 12 years! Before I even met my husband, I desired to be mother and raise children. When my husband and I met, we dreamed together of becoming parents. I told them that there is nothing wrong with my desire and I don't really think that God wants me to let go of this desire. I believe with my whole heart that God has placed this desire in my heart. I did ask many years ago when I felt completely hopeless of finding help for my health problems that it the desire was not of God, that He would remove that desire from my heart.
The desire only grew stronger, especially as I began to fall in love with all children. Regardless of race or special needs. I began to see that there are children, older ones, praying for a Mom and a Dad, at the same time that I am praying for a child to love and to tuck in bed at night. We are not wealthy by any means, but we are rich in love and acceptance. We are overflowing in love for the gospel and desire to share the love of Christ with a child(ren). We have food to feed a hungry belly, running warm water to clean a child after a hard day of playing, and we have a warm, soft bed in a safe house. Why would I not desire to share that.
I tend to believe that we have something to offer and we have something to receive. Don't get me wrong, I would love a child that would come through the union of the physical love I share with my husband, but I know that I can be a good mother to a child not born of my womb and I know that my husband can be an awesome father.

I cried the whole afternoon yesterday as I wondered if God is calling me to "Let Go"

I wanted to know if I am being called to let go of the whole desire to parent children on earth and just be thankful for the two that are already in heaven.

If God is calling me to let go, he will give me the strength to do it, but the fact that I planted my feet and refused to move made me wonder if that counsel was not from God.

In hindsight, I think that my SD may have been referring to letting go of control. I told her that J and I are praying more to God that His will on how to grow our family will be revealed to us and he will teach us how to get there. My mind keeps going to adoption while I believe that J is still praying that a baby is born from my own womb.

Well, I cried nearly the whole way home and cried as I cooked dinner, to the point that tears just kept streaming. Later, when J and I reconnected, I shared with him what was upsetting me and he go just as upset and said that he doesn't think that we need to give up on our desire to be parents. Music to my ears.

I don't think that in all my years of SD that I have benn so clearly NOT directable!!! This is the same SD that suggested in-vitro and doesn't understand why I would choose to follow Church teaching in regard to this. I know this doesn't paint a pretty picture. She did not push this issue, but she pushed the one of letting go yesterday.

Control was a big topic of discussion during the meeting, that is why I think that she was trying to suggest that we pray for God to help us let go of our desire to control. I read today that the opposite of love is not hate, but control.

I think that I have been so insistent on adoption and J is so insistent on exhausting all natural means to have a baby before trying to adopt . . .we have both been trying to contol and did not even realize it. I just kept praying that his heart would open for adoption, while activately trying to pursue getting pregnant!

I don't have any more answers today than I did yesterday, but I am less teary eyed. It could be because I am P+4 and got my hcg shot last night. I had a weird CM pattern this time and I just don't feel like the month is any different that the past few months. I am so sore up top and this was present even before the hcg meds, so that is making me crazy.

I am going to resume my thankful list, I am thankful for:
(1) free food - I was given a huge amount of seafood gumbo and my hubbie ate as much as he wanted and then put a big bowl in the freezer for my mom!
(2) an amazing pro-life sign that I pass every morning that is across from a big high school! The first time I saw it, my heart was so moved. It has a young girl, around 16-17, with her hand outstretched and on the palm of her hand "Choose Life" is written in big, bold, black letters. On the side of her picture it says "1/3 of my generation has been wiped out because of abortion."
(3) my grandma. She showed me that you don't always love because you are loved, you love because you know that keeping all that love to yourself is useless, wasteful and does NOT build up the kingdom of God! Her name was Minnie Elaine (12/9/38-11/17/2004)