So much has happened since my last post, the most miraculous is the fact that my Mom changed her opinion on being Pro-choice to Pro-life. She was able to go to see Rebecca with J and I on Thursday and I was just blown away at how she could put all of my feelings about being conceived in rape right out there.
My mom was able to listen to her open-mindedly. I was able to see and talk with her and I am slowly realizing that I have nothing to apologize for in regard to how I was conceived and that all life is precious, even my own. My mom was amazed that her heart changed and it helped her to feel that no matter what mistakes she made in her life, at least she did one thing right. She told me all of this after the fact.
Miracles do still happen.
J and I had the roughest Friday/Saturday this weekend when caring for two of my cousins, whom the mom wishes to list us as guardians for in the event she would pass away. They are 12 and 13 and they have been trained to do whatever they want, behave however they want, etc. They have not always been that way, but one was much better at listening than the other. I was very proactive in always trying to be one step ahead of them, but when they are allowed to talk disrespectful and misbehave w/o any consequences, no matter what you do it is not enough. I don't really want to go into it all, but I was just heartbroken, but we had to follow through with consequences and it shocked one of them. We brought one back early to his mom and the other one got to hang out with us all day on saturday, go to the movies and the mall and even got to eat out. He was very happy. They are doing terribly in school and I just want to confront their mom and tell her to wake up! These are days you are not going to get back - wake up, it is not all about you. Help these children be successful. Their home life is dismal.

J took me out to eat last night at a nice restaurant and I don't even drink and I wanted some wine! Too bad I was post peak. We had such a nice time, we kept trying to focus on forgetting our tough time with one of the kids.

In cycle news, I got my p+7 blood draw done last friday. It was the biggest joke, they pulled the wrong orders up and was drawing for a pg test too. I told them I don't need that, utter confusion on their part. They finally decided to call the National Lab to confirm orders. I really did not care at that point, I was like just send them the dang blood, they will know what to do with it.

I am p+9 today and I am still having some mild butterfly pains on my right side. This has been off and on for the last two days. It hurts more when I lay on my right side at night.

I did confess to J that I am afraid to get/be pregnant. I know that is not courageous, but fear just takes over when I am in pain and I wonder if something serious could be wrong. The innocence is gone. I keep thinking that the next cycle would be different, but I am just having to walk blindly through this tunnel.

I did break down at the very end of mass today. I was alone on the front row (since I lectored) and an overwhelming sadness enveloped me and I was just talking to my sweet Nicky and explaining to him/her (I always sensed I was carrying a boy) that I was just so sad that I did not get a chance to meet them. All I wanted to do was meet them.

I am trying to come to terms with the possibility that I may not have any children on this earth that I can raise, but aware that I need to be thankful that I do have two that are waiting to meet me and their daddy when we get to heaven.

I am not trying to cling, I am trying to surrender. I do trust God, I just wish these dark nights would give way to a city of light soon!