amazing life: Today . . . and the weekend :)

Today there were no tears.

A lot of wondering, but no tears.

I had a lot of anxiety this weekend that I would be experiencing another ectopic pregnancy and spent the majority of the time offering up each worry, flutter, and sensation that caused worry to Jesus. I do believe that is what helped me to endure and remain hopeful.

We had an extremely busy weekend, but I did manage to get a nap on Saturday and would have loved to have one on Sunday. On Sunday, we went to a late mass at our local Cathedral and it just happened that the priest that officiated our wedding and prepared us for the sacrament of holy matrimony was the celebrant. I told myself that if he happened to be there (he is there very randomly filling in) that it would be my chance to ask for a blessing for the baby and for J and I to walk this journey with faith and trust. Well, we were so blessed to share our news with him and received such a holy blessing. We were thrilled.

The following Gospel passage came from the Gospel of John:

At that time, Jesus revealed himself again to his disciples at the Sea of Tiberias.
He revealed himself in this way.
Together were Simon Peter, Thomas called Didymus,
Nathanael from Cana in Galilee,
Zebedee's sons, and two others of his disciples.
Simon Peter said to them, "I am going fishing."
They said to him, "We also will come with you."
So they went out and got into the boat,
but that night they caught nothing.
When it was already dawn, Jesus was standing on the shore;
but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.
Jesus said to them, "Children, have you caught anything to eat?"
They answered him, "No."
So he said to them, "Cast the net over the right side of the boat
and you will find something."
So they cast it, and were not able to pull it in
because of the number of fish.
So the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord."
When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord,
he tucked in his garment, for he was lightly clad,
and jumped into the sea.
The other disciples came in the boat,
for they were not far from shore, only about a hundred yards,
dragging the net with the fish.
When they climbed out on shore,
they saw a charcoal fire with fish on it and bread.
Jesus said to them, "Bring some of the fish you just caught."
So Simon Peter went over and dragged the net ashore
full of one hundred fifty-three large fish.
Even though there were so many, the net was not torn.
Jesus said to them, "Come, have breakfast."
And none of the disciples dared to ask him, "Who are you?"
because they realized it was the Lord.
Jesus came over and took the bread and gave it to them,
and in like manner the fish.
This was now the third time Jesus was revealed to his disciples
after being raised from the dead.

When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter,
"Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?"
Simon Peter answered him, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."
Jesus said to him, "Feed my lambs."
He then said to Simon Peter a second time,
"Simon, son of John, do you love me?"
Simon Peter answered him, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."
Jesus said to him, "Tend my sheep."
Jesus said to him the third time,
"Simon, son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was distressed that Jesus had said to him a third time,
"Do you love me?" and he said to him,
"Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you."
Jesus said to him, "Feed my sheep.
Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were younger,
you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted;
but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands,
and someone else will dress you
and lead you where you do not want to go."
He said this signifying by what kind of death he would glorify God.
And when he had said this, he said to him, "Follow me."

This gospel passage has been present in our lives a great deal in the last few weeks, even in the weeks before we found out that God had knit new life from our union.

Initially, J brought this passage to me saying that "we should never give up". In the meditation for the day he found it, they talked about a couple who was expecting their first baby and they were amazed because they said that 10-12 earlier they never would have imagined that God would bless them in such an extravagant way. The reflection talked about how we should never give up and we should keep casting our nets. This reflection really affected my husband because that is a passage he has always been attracted to and it just brought a whole new vision for him in relation to our fertility issues. When he came to me and asked me "Did you read the meditation today yet?" I knew something powerful had touched his heart to the core. He has always been the one in our relationship to say that "God is gonna do it, we just have to keep trying!" As a woman, you know that sometimes it is hard to keep trying and coming up with empty nets (wombs). By the way, I am not the best fisherwoman in the world, I tend to tire easily from boredom if I am not catching. My husband can fish all day and not get a bite and then go back out tomorrow knowing that the fish may come today and just weren't hungry the day before. What a match we are J

I think that is what made this pregnancy so surprising for me – doing the same thing month after month and then finally getting a different result! Praise the Lord!

Anyway, back to Sunday's gospel. I was stopped dead in my tracks when Jesus told the men to cast their nets over the RIGHT side of the boat. It was then that their nets were filled to overflowing. Then they recognized Jesus, as He was revealing himself for the 3^rd time. My heart was beating wildly inside of my chest.

The rest of the was a big blur, no nap, lots of company – both our parents were at our house and we had a great time visiting and I made a meal that we all enjoyed.

Which brings me to today! I went to bed later than I should have because I had to get up and do another beta hcg test early before my first u/s that was set for 9:15 am. The office staff was on top of things, the u/s tech was great and kind. I worked with him before back in 2000 after my first miscarriage and he was just as patient as before.

We did a transvaginal u/s and I gave him a quick update on the history of my ectopic pregnancy, the loss of my left tube, etc. He took it all in stride, then I asked him to be sure to look at that right tube because it is imperative that we try to catch another ectopic before my life is in danger again. Unfortunately, I am aware that lots of things can go wrong with a pregnancy and that not all babies get to greet their waiting, doting parents. He checked my right tube and found that there was no indication of inflammation or fluid build up that could indicate an right tubal pregnancy and did believe that he saw evidence of a very small gestational sac ( I am not sure I am using the right terms) inside the womb. I don't remember the measurements, but he was fairly confident that this was the baby. He sees hundreds of women with good and bad pregnancies, so I really felt confident in his interpretation. Of course, there is always room for error, but not being diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy today was the best gift I could have been given. The funny thing is that I have not been feeling pain on the right side since yesterday. Oh, and to top it off he said that there was a small cyst on my left ovary meaning that I ovulated from the left ovary and the right tube caught it! The doctors have told me this could happen, but it just makes me feel that more that this is completely God being God.

So . . . . right now we are trusting that the baby is in the womb. We do know that my lining is nice and thick, all I know is the number 18+. I am still waiting for blood test results, praying!!!!!

"I set before you life & death, blessings and curses; CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children will live!" Deuteronomy 30:19