God's Will

First of all, I am so touched and feel so incredibly blessed to be a part of such an amazing group of women! Your words of encouragement brought me to tears and you all helped me to be excited for this pregnancy! You all brought me so much hope and it really comforted my soul.

I also want to take some time to thank someone else I know that prayed specifically for a very important prayer intention when she made her pilgrimage to Lourdes, Jeremiah 29:11 – thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know that we have been in the prayers of so many but I just wanted to thank you for being so kind in praying for my intention in Lourdes.

My day was really just glorious today. I woke up and ate the healthiest breakfast I could make before work. Two boiled eggs, yogurt, and a slice of low-fat cheese. Before this I weighed myself to have that number in mind as the starting point. I was really on cloud nine. My temps were still high, I was hot all night long (my personal sign that my progesterone was still okay), and I was just thankful to be a Mom again. I did not sleep well. I am having problems/pain in my right hip and that is the side I like to sleep on. I also kept having to go the bathroom. I am drinking a lot of water during the day and that plus hcg makes me go to the bathroom a lot. Ok, so this is all such personal stuff. Every time I would wake up, I would feel flutters of sensations (I don’t want to call it pain) on my right side! I WAS PETRIFIED!!! I then would have a talk with God and tell him that I knew that He was bigger than my worst fear. That I knew that he was BIGGER than and more powerful than my tube in question and that if He desired for this baby to live and be where it should be, He should darn well do it. How’s that for bossy? I think God understood where I was going with that. I hope!

I am not telling anyone at work about the pregnancy, but I did ask off for Monday morning for the u/s appt. I said it was just a personal appt. My boss became very angry that I wanted off because she planned to be off that day, I already had a replacement set up. She made today miserable for me, but I did not budge and told her that my appt was not optional and it was not able to be rescheduled.

I was thinking “am I going to lose my job just to have 3 ½ hours off for a major medical appt?”

I had an incredibly busy day at work and just ran with the punches. Well, I completely forgot that I was waiting on progesterone results. Seriously, I was in lala land for a good portion of the day just being thrilled that I am pregnant and that a little life is trying to grow inside of me. I did not do this with the last pregnancy, I worried about m/c 99.9% of the time. I worried about hcg numbers, but for some odd reason, my heart is just at peace with that, but ectopic pregnancy is a whole other ball game. Which leads me to the next big happening of my day. The nurse from PPVI calls me to go over all of the lab results. First of all, it was not my favorite nurse. I like this nurse but I just don’t feel as encouraged when I talked with her. She called me to say that my progesterone level on p+15 was 26 (I think she said high zone two – but that they are still concerned). I needed to do the pio as soon as possible. I told her I got the meds in today and the first injection would be tonight. She was happy about this. She also told me the hcg number again, which was 222 at P+15. She told me Dr. H wanted me to do another beta on Monday morning to see if the baby was growing as expected. Like I said this wasn’t my favorite phone call. She then told me that the do a CRP check and my levels were elevated. They were elevated before and she asked I had been sick, etc. I have been battling sinus headaches, but just dealing with the pain. No meds for it. She asked if I had any pain on my right side – I was honest and she was really quick to ask me if the pain/sensations were similar to those I experienced with the last pregnancy. That really scared me. It zeroed in on ALL of MY FEARS. I have no idea what a normal pregnancy feels like. I have no idea if you get pain from the corpus luteum working to make progesterone or if that is never felt in ‘normal’ women. Then, she asked me about increased CM discharge. I told her I did see some, but not an increased amount and described it. Last but not least, she asked me if I had any spotting or brown bleeding? FINALLY, I could say “NO”. At the end of the conversation she said “I am sure this is so hard for you, given your past experience. Congratulations! We will be praying for you and your little one. Tell your husband to do lots of things this weekend to keep your mind off of the pregnancy.” I thought that with the conversation that we just had, my chances of relaxing this weekend are SLIM!

After the end of my day for work . . . it was time to do the mediation meeting with my supervisor and the mediator. I got there on time, she came in later. I told the mediator of my pregnancy because I told her that I really wanted this meeting to not be confrontational or more stressful than necessary. I also told her I was not ready to share that news with work staff. The meeting was miserable, my mind could not wrap around why she was behaving the way she was behaving. They kept me there two hours and we both left more upset than we arrived. It is not working out and I don’t want to have to find a new job being pregnant. In all honesty, I don’t want to have to find a new job period, but I may just have to do so.

I don’t know what to do, but the best part of the evening was that our neighbors invited us over to have dinner at their home ( I got there late bc the meeting lasted to long for work). We laughed, cut-up, and I was just about able to forget about the painful meeting I had to endure.

We left our neighbor’s house late, so we got home to do the pio injection around 10:15 pm. By the way, these are the two neighbors who helped us and prayed with me when I was waiting for the ambulance to arrive to take me to the hospital when my tube ruptured. She wiped my face, talked me through my fear, and just prayed. That was all I needed, prayer.

So here I am – absolutely freaked out that my body could betray me again and that this will be my last chance to have life within me. I am terribly afraid of having something happen to this child or that it would result into another ectopic . . . that I was near tears awhile ago. I was just so afraid my husband and I would suffer so much if the worst would happen. Of course, my husband buoyed my hope and faith. I am reminded that God is bigger than all that could go wrong and that His WILL will be done. I can trust him. I can count on him to be at my side.

It is such an act of faith.

Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us.
St. Gerard, pray for us.
St. Gianna, pray for us.
St. Samuel, pray for us.
St. Nicholas, pray for us.
Our Lady of Loudes, pray for us.
St. Joseph, pray for us.
St. Rita, pray for us.