Crazy Post

Ok, this post is absolutely all over the place!!!  I just can't help it.    I am so tired!  I cannot seem to catch up on my rest.  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am returning to work after a nice, relaxing vacation.  I am just always ready to go to sleep at 9pm the last few nights.  I have been a bit crabby when I am not able to get all the sleep I need or when I want to go to sleep ;)  Not painting a pretty picture.  Last night I slept on my new pillowcase and I slept so hard.  I took my last hcg shot (p+7) last night and when I am on the hcg, I am always running back and forth to the bathroom and have to wake up out of a deep sleep.    I have also been drinking tons of water and trying to phase out my soft drink consumption, so that could be the culprit to the many potty breaks.  Hahaha.  Gotta love it.   The little boy I requested prayers for is back at home with his mom, brother, and stepfather.  I am just at a loss of what to do anymore.  I talked with her before he was sent back home, but I found my heart racing because I was trying to choose my words so carefully but be stern at the same time, sometimes charity calls you to make people aware of how their actions are affecting others.  She got very angry and my Mom told me that CPS will not intervene if there is food in the cabinets, and shelter.  It doesn't matter if their home is a pig's pen, full of strife, and both boys are failing school.  The system is so wretched and yet it helps to protect some of the most vulnerable.    The night I spoke with her I asked for both of my little saints in heaven to each be on guard for each of those boys.  I believe they were.  My Mom really gave their mom a verbal spanking and I just don't know if anything will change.  This situation causes me great stress and so I am trying to act nonchalant about it, but I am anything but nonchalant.  I would happily go load up those boys, pack their belongings and commit to raising them and homeschooling them.  Unfortunately the damage she wished to inflict on them is done and it will take a great deal of healing for them to trust others and God again.    In relation to my work situation, I just am blown away at the direction they keep trying to take with the mediation and downright upset about it.  I had to have the 3rd session yesterday, after work, and the lady clearly asked me to tell her what % of my depression from losing a child is contributing to the conflict with this deceitful, proud woman that I am exposed to every day.  I have learned through the mediation that I am an IFSP on the MB personality profile and they basically told me that I need to balance out my sensitivity with thinking.  Really?  My husband is READY for me to just leave.  I am MORE THAN READY to leave.  I don't even want to look back anymore.  I think that if the lady did not take that strong direction, I could have wanted to keep trying to resolve this.    I think that is it cruel to tell someone that well the reason for all of the problems you are experiencing with Mrs. X is because you are sad you have no babies.  Could it be that she is just a difficult person to work with.  I have not told any of my co-workers what is going, that there is even any mediation or how that is progressing, but I am not the only one who finds her bristly, self-centered, and cold.  Enough about that.  I am so glad I kept it together in that session.  No tears.    I do have to say that I don't feel depressed about the loss of Nicky at this time.  I have been so showered in grace that I have peace that God wanted them with Him and that they are doing a mighty work in fulfilling God's will for their lives.  I have peace that my children are in the presence of God.  Sometimes I miss them, but I am working so hard in not letting fear, anger, resentment still my joy for life, my faith in God, and my own eternal blessings!!!  We are still very hopeful for more children!!!  That is a statement of FAITH.  I find myself incredibly lucky that I had life in my body and that I was able to provide a shelter for that child, however long or short.    I am currently p+8 and did my bloodwork yesterday with my favorite tech.  They all know me by name there and I told J last night that I think it would make me feel less like a side show if they did not know me by name, because that would mean I would not have to have seen them so often J  On the upside, it is going to be a time of celebration when I can introduce them to one of our babies.  What a glorious time that will be for all of us!!!  I should be able to get the results before the weekend.  The girls have been sore for about 5 days, but it could just be hormone related.  Don't really have any indication what my hormones are doing right now, but it must be okay since I have not been tears so far this month.  This has been a really long cycle and if I pinpointed the peak right, it will be over 35 days.  This cycle we did the 21 days of antibiotics, I did the antibiotic to enhance cm of cd 14-18, fertile cm on cd 10-p+2, clomid cd 4-8, t3, probiotics, and vitamin b6 daily.  The hcg was used p+3, 5, and 7.  When I type it out, it seems a lot less than what I consume everyday.   On a really funny note, two nights ago I woke up from a dead sleep and panicked looking for D (our godson who went with us to WDW)!  He always slept on a cushioned pallet next to our bed during the trip, so I thought he was gone.  I was looking all around and the J came back in from the kitchen and he said he had a similar dream and once he really woke up he realized what day it was and that the poor child was at home with his parents!  I had to wake up and reorient myself, it was nuts.  Absolutely nuts!!!  Well, last night I had the same dream.    After my stressful day, my in-laws came over to visit and we played games.  It always relieves so much stress for me.  Good times J   I don't know if I ever said before but there is a pokino group that I am in with my mil and tonight is my turn to host.  When we host, we buy three gifts for 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and boobey prizes.  The boobey is for the person with the least amount of points that night.  So it will be another late night, but good food, good friends, and fun competition.     "I set before you life & death, blessings and curses; CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children will live!"  Deuteronomy 30:19