Good News!

My Mom was able to leave the hospital today and go home! Every night this week we have been at the hospital during the evenings. Once they got the infection cleared up, she began feeling so much better. Praise God for good medical care, doctors, and nurses!!

Thank you all so much for your prayers and concerns!

We are finally closer to my ultrasound appointment on Monday. I am about to drive my husband crazy because my fears of another ectopic pregnancy are unnerving - for both of us!

I will have to keep my mind fully distracted this weekend!

I keep trusting God!

Results

I got a chance to call the nurse at PPVI to see what my progesterone results were from the draw on Tuesday.  I did it at 7:30 am before work and before all the drama of having to rush to care for my Mom and get her to a hospital as soon as possible.  The results were good, progesterone is at 24.1 (high zone 2) and I am between 6-7 weeks.  If I told you that we are really unsure of the conception date you would think that with charting we could tell, but I had the longest cycle of CM and we tried to use almost everyday that we could unless we were passed out.  The nurses are always telling me we have to use everyday of opportunity, no joke!    I am hoping I am a little further along, but at the least, I am right at 6 weeks.  I can't believe that and I am so very excited.  I stay so tried and yesterday had a big bout with indigestion, stomach upset, grouchiness.  I stay hungry and keep wanting Mexican food which is not like me at all!!  I don't usually crave Mexican.  I cannot wait for the u/s and ob appointment on Monday.  The nurse asked me today if it had been pure torture and it really has been a little overwhelming to not know what is going on, but I keep reminding myself that hundreds of years ago, women had no u/s machines to calm their fears.  They had to just trust God's will.  I wanted to do another hcg beta test on Tuesday, but could not get the chance to call the nurses to write the order . .  . I was almost afraid to get bad news too.  All right, I said it.  There is still a huge part of me that is nervous and having to call on God, our Holy Mother, and the saints for help in finding peace and trust in God's will.     Only God knows the plans that He has in mind for this child, I have only been given a small opportunity of providing shelter for them until their arrival in our outside world.  All the things that I thought I knew about pregnancy or childbirth, even breastfeeding is going out the window.  I find myself wondering how I will learn how to do everything as I should, but I think that is God allowing me to experience true humility in this circumstance,   like our Blessed Mother's humility when she visited with the Angel Gabriel and learned of God's great plan for her life.   Dearest Abba,  Help me to walk in your path, to trust where you are leading me, and to always, always sing your praises.  Amen.  "I set before you life & death, blessings and curses; CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children will live!"  Deuteronomy 30:19

Unbelievable w/ Update

I had the craziest day, but praise Gad all is on its to getting better.

I got a call from my aunt today telling me that my Mom is sick and needs to go the hospital, but she doesn't want to be around me because she is afraid that she could get me sick. I wasn't supposed to know how sick she was, so I acted like I was texting her to see if she would tell me herself. Well she was so sick, she sent me some weird, misspelled text (one word) and my red flags were flying high! I called her and she was out of breath, really raspy and told me she just checked her temp and it was 103. Plus she had chills. I asked her what her plans were for getting a doctor to see her (she has no car when her husband is at work) and she said that her friend who offered to take her wasn't answering her phone. She said she wanted to wait to see if she would call soon. I was at work, super busy, but tried to hurry get my work done so I could possibly leave to take her to the e/r. Well, about 15 minutes later I get a call of complete panic from her. She is crying saying she doesn't know what to do because she is so scared and alone. She said she just went to the bathroom and her right breast felt very sore so she looked at it in the mirrior and it was beet red. She said she was sweating. I could barely understand the words that she was saying, she was in a panic for good reason. I told her to get ready, get dressed because I was on my way to bring her to the hospital. I told her don't worry about me or the baby. Nearly impossible, but I had to help her.
I got to her house and picked her up, got her settled in the backseat and rushed her to hospital. Praise God, the e/r staff were on the ball. By the time I parked the car, she was already meeting the nurse and they immediately gave her an iv of antibiotics. They took tons of blood samples, urine samples, x-rays, and then finally an ultrasound on her breast that revealed a pocket of fluid (still not sure of the origin or severity). This all started at 10:30 am and the ultrasound was done at 5:30 pm. It was draining. Once she got some antibiotics she started to feel better, but it was a crazy long day for her. My stepdad came and I was able to come home for awhile to rest and, of course, the minute I leave they meet with the surgeon. The surgery is set to happen anytime between 6 am - 12 pm on Wednesday. My aunt volunteered to be there so I wouldn't have to miss another day of work. My mom just called to tell me to stop worrying and to go the bed, yes she called to tell me that from her hospital room! Always a mother! I sure love that woman.
So, please keep her in your prayers. We are hoping and praying that if it is not a pocket of fluid that when the do the biopsy it is not anything related to cancer. This is the same breast that the lump that had cancer in it was removed last year. I can't shake the worry, but I have to just trust God right now!

Update: Wednesday, April 28 (Feast Day of Saint Gianna)
My mom made it through surgery, still in recovery. They found a firm pocket of fluid, removed it and did a biopsy on it. The results will be back on Friday. The doctor unsure if it could be cancer related or cellulitis (sp?). Hopefully with it's removal, her overall health will improve. Thank you all for your prayers. I attribute her prompt care and recovery to all our prayers!

Today is a happy day, it is St. Gianna's feast day and I have been praying my Novena!

The Loot

The neutral crib bumper

The crib skirt

The bargain bodysuits

I think that this set can be flexible enough to work with alot of things. I also thought about gettng some of the ladies who come on quilting retreats to make me a baby quilt if I find the right material. There are lots of things that coordinate with it.

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One blogger question: How do you change your email that your started the blog with (the one you sign in with or do you have to make a whole new blog)? Any help will be appreciated.

Tea and Bargains

Today was the second annual "Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend Tea" which aims to celebrate women and their holy creation by God. It was so much fun. All of my aunts were there, my Mom, and I. There were probably about 150 ladies and girls all dressed up for tea. It was a little bittersweet. Last year, I went and thought that I was pregnant and was not sure yet and so this year I anticipated it being hard and it still was a little. Anxiety tried to sneak up on me, but I am still claiming Hope, Redemption, and a safe, healthy pregnancy and new baby.

This is a picture of my Mom, Ancy Barbara (she is like my second mom and raised me a good bit when I was young), Aunt Shane (my godmother) and I.

This one is a picture of my Mom and I.

After I left their church, I went to a local grocery store and saw that the thrift store next door was open. As I walked in, I found out there was a sale on baby clothing. I picked up six gorgeous, barely used outfits for $3. Then as I was heading out, I saw this really cute crib bumper and skirt set. It was beautiful and gender neutral and would allow me to play with other colors, accessories as needed. The only problem was it was not priced. Now this was a really high end crib bumper and skirt, so I kept putting it back thinking it is way to early to even be thinking about this. Well, I ended up bringing it to the counter and asked the clerk how much it was and since she could not find the tag said I could buy it for $1.50. At that point, I knew I could donate it to the pregnancy crisis center if I decided not to use it later, so she rang it up. I could not beleive my luck. Well, not so fast - we found the price tag when we removed it from the hanger. This stuff was in excellant condition - looked brand new. It was marked for $10, still a huge bargain. Well, I asked her to go down (why I am I doing this, I am not in Mexico) and she only charges me $6. I love it. I know I can find something absolutely adorable for a blanket or just buy some great material and make one. I was still a little bummed for having not got it for $1.50, but $6 was still awesome. So then I head over to the grocery store and after I checked out, the total did not look right, but the cashier had no time for me to review the prices. I stood at the service counter and reviewed my ticket. I figured out all of the wrong prices and then told the lady and she found out that I was right and she started calling the employees in to change prices on the registers, etc. I was not ugly, I just need to watch all of our money. So then she rescans the items that were not prices right and credited the full amount to my bank card. Not even charging me the right price for the items. I had to be honest, of course, and ask her why she was doing this and she said it is their policy to not charge at all if the item was mispriced. Really strange, but I end getting a credit for almost the amount of money I spent at the thrift store. I thought, God does really reward honesty. I floated out of the store. I am a sucker for saving money!!!!

shopping & fun friends settle the worries

Some great friends offered us to ride with them to Baton Rouge today and we love their company so we said yes and had a great day. The first stop was Bass Pro and I found these really great dragonfly outdoor ornaments to go in my plant boxes. They are beautiful and were extremely reasonable. I also found some amazing body wash that smells so great for only $3.00 (was 75% off).
Later we went to super Target, it was fun. We are very rural people who drive an hour to get to a super target. Funny!
My friend was looking for a good coffee pot and finally I suggested Kohls and we found an awesome one for only $14.00 a really great name brand and nearly 80% off, I think.
Last night as I was going to bed, I told J all of my fears, he already knew, but I needed him to KNOW. I ended up being more hopeful today and feeling better so I bought these:

I fell in love. It is so hard to find gender neutral items and these just jumped out at me! I love baby gowns! Today I am so hopeful!!!!
Oh, the best part of the day was my dear friend gave me a book of Novenas. I was so excited. The first page I opened it up to was St. Gerard.

Tomorrow is the Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend Tea for ladies at my Mom's church. We are looking foward to it! I can't wait, but now I need to head to bed so I can be ready for Mass in the morning!

Mystery, Darkness, & God

I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed. I am so grateful for this opportunity to be pregnant, I just can't seem to wrap my mind around all of it. I used to think that I would be a confidient pregnant woman, a woman on a mission to getting things done. That hasn't been the case so much. I am finding that I am counting down the days until the next u/s. I really need to know that this baby is growing and in the right place. I don't know if I can wait until May 3rd.

I have been having the weirdest dreams. One was that I started spotting, when I woke up I went to check. Thank God there was not evidence of the dream being true. The other dreams are not meant to be remembered ;)

I finally realized today that pregnancy, just like IF and pregnancy loss, are complete mysteries just meant to be lived out. You will never know the answers to all of the questions you are asking, but the questions remain in your heart and you just have to live by faith.

I am learning that I am just going to have to trust God that he is doing good in the darkness. Just trusting God in all of the mystery of it all. I know that God will walk with me in all the directions he calls me to go.

As always, I am praying for all of you! Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers, they are a lifesource for me right now!

This & That

Here's what I was taking during the cycle we conceived:   T3 – 22.5 mcg @ 2xday Glucophage (name brand) – 1000 mg @ 1xday at night – finally got the insurance company to cover name brand as my body was not accepting and absorbing the generic and only recently in the last 3 months or so on 1000 mg.) Fertile CM – 1 capsule 3xday on cd10-P+2 (I am really bad at taking these, the smell of opening the bottle almost makes me gag, but only the last two cycles) Vitamin B6 (timed release) 1xday Clomid – 50 mg - cd 3-7 @ 1xday Prenatals (Citranatal DHA?) at night every night Antibiotics – cd 14-18 @ 2xday to enhance cm Antibiotics – 21 day regimen for both my husband and I since I complained of seeing some b bleeding before the last cycle started. HCG injections – 2500 units on p+3, 5, & 7   My pill boxes are feeling lonely these days, since I am only on the following: T3 – 22.5 mcg @ 2xday Glucopage (name brand) 1000 mg (they said this can be helpful in avoiding gestational diabetes) Prenatals Also, PIO IM injections 2 x week (so far 2000 units, if that is the right measurement)   Praise God!  There was also a vacation in there and Disney World!   My husband gave me the shot last night and before I got into my stand, I caught a glimpse of that needle!  Good gracious, it is HUGE!!!!  I kept thinking what do those skinny girls do, their butts are not big enough to even handle a needle that size!! Hahahahaha  I told my husband that last night and he just told me to go to sleep.  Unfortunately, my butt has plenty of room for big needles J  I do have to say that they are not hurting like before.  J is really getting good at this!  It will truly be seeing our labor of love for both of us when we set eyes on our baby.  I think that J's getting the PIO ready and administering it for me is almost his way of "carrying" this child.  I couldn't do it without him.  Sure, he contributed at great deal at the beginning, but it is such a great way for him to be active in promoting this young life. I am loving all of this and feel so odd that I am so hopeful.  I am trying so hard. I don't know how to be just a regular pregnant girl, all I know is IF and loss.  Tragic loss, so I am praying that God is ready to teach me something new.  We have shared the news with our parents and J's siblings,  my aunt that I really close too that has not been able to have any children of her own flesh, but she is like a mother to me and so many more, J's boss for prayers, and my four closest friends.  Oh, I also told my Spiritual Director.  I was really afraid to share so early on, but I wanted them to be prepared if for some reason something unexpected would happen and we would need their support.  We also did it because we wanted Prayer Warriors (along with my Prayer Warrior Blogger buddies) storming Heaven with us for the life of our baby to not be interrupted. We got mixed reactions, everyone was joyful and in tears when we shared the news, but there was tremendous concern.  Tremendous.  I have been getting the impression that a few people almost think that it was tremendously risky for us to try to have a baby.  They are worried.  I understand that, but I almost feel like God called me to walk past my fear and to place complete trust in Him.  I do believe that with my whole heart that He called us to be open to life and that is what we are doing.  Yes, being open to the will of God is not the norm these days and it is not easy.  It is risky, but God asks us to trust Him.  God asks us to let him lead us where we do not know the way and never be the same.  (Thanks AYWH – the summons is one of my favorite songs) He will carry us on eagle's wings.  Our vision is broader when we can catch a glimpse of what He is seeing and doing. "I set before you life & death, blessings and curses; CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children will live!"  Deuteronomy 30:19

I am

I am believing that God wants this baby to be a part of our families.

I am believing that God is bigger than all of my worries, fears, and history.

I am believing that I will be able to carry this child well and to a fruitful birth!

I am so excited for this moment in time.

I am so glad that my faith will have to be tested . . . I pray that I will make it.

I am rejoicing that I had a somewhat queasy stomach today when my belly was empty :)

I am proclaiming to my husband that I am so happy that "the girls" are feeling more tender. How crazy is that? hahaha

I am having trouble being cool enough to sleep well at night and toss and turn and get up excessively to go to the bathroom.

I am doing my best to bond with Little Bit, but there are times I am not feeling any different than any other day and I have to remind myself that what I thought was impossible, God has made possible.

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I did get a call from the nurse at PPVI and she said that Dr. H believes that the u/s being repeated in 2 weeks is sufficient. After the concerned call from the nurse yesterday, I had a bad case of nerves and freaked out. I was on cloud nine for most of the day and at 5:30 pm I get a concerned call from PPVI. I really trust Dr. H's wisdom, so I immediately became worried. I did have some uncomfortable flutters on the right side and I am battling a bad case of passing whatever I eat really quickly and I know that constipation is usually the problem not the other way around. Anyway, as it stands now, I will do the second u/s on Monday, May 3rd. I will do my next progesterone blood draw on Tueday, April 27 along with another sample for CRP. On a sidenote (for future references, the area is where they said your appendix is and I don't feel any gut wrenching pain, so it can't be that.
I plan to monitor all of my pain and if I get to the point that I am completely scared or ill, I will call my doctor for an u/s earlier than May 3. I am slightly concerned about being alone on the weekends in the event that another episode that I had before would happen again. I think that all of these fears are normal, but I just keep offering them all up to Jesus. I have googled way too much and I must stop. God intends for this new child's life to be a blessing and I intend to receive it as such ;)
Pregnancy is hard after infertility, yet it is incredibly amazing. I don't want to sound ungrateful . . . but I wish it was all wine and roses :) Just kidding, something has to ground me for the tough times to come as well as the most beautiful ones I can imagine.

Results

the doctors just called with the beta hcg numbers from today's draw. The result was 1032. They are rising appropriately according to my local doc and Dr. H. Yet, the doctors disagree on when to do the next u/s. I suppose I will be going with Dr. H's diection on redoing it in one week.

Come on, PPVI, at least let me enjoy to joy of 1032 before telling me you are concerned about the inconclusive u/s report. Dear God, make all things good! Amen.

Today . . . and the weekend :)

Today there were no tears.   A lot of wondering, but no tears.   I had a lot of anxiety this weekend that I would be experiencing another ectopic pregnancy and spent the majority of the time offering up each worry, flutter, and sensation that caused worry to Jesus.  I do believe that is what helped me to endure and remain hopeful.   We had an extremely busy weekend, but I did manage to get a nap on Saturday and would have loved to have one on Sunday.  On Sunday, we went to a late mass at our local Cathedral and it just happened that the priest that officiated our wedding and prepared us for the sacrament of holy matrimony was the celebrant.  I told myself that if he happened to be there (he is there very randomly filling in) that it would be my chance to ask for a blessing for the baby and for J and I to walk this journey with faith and trust.  Well, we were so blessed to share our news with him and received such a holy blessing.  We were thrilled.   The following Gospel passage came from the Gospel of John: At that time, Jesus revealed himself again to his disciples at the Sea of Tiberias. He revealed himself in this way. Together were Simon Peter, Thomas called Didymus, Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, Zebedee's sons, and two others of his disciples. Simon Peter said to them, "I am going fishing." They said to him, "We also will come with you." So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. When it was already dawn, Jesus was standing on the shore; but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. Jesus said to them, "Children, have you caught anything to eat?" They answered him, "No." So he said to them, "Cast the net over the right side of the boat and you will find something." So they cast it, and were not able to pull it in because of the number of fish. So the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord." When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he tucked in his garment, for he was lightly clad, and jumped into the sea. The other disciples came in the boat, for they were not far from shore, only about a hundred yards, dragging the net with the fish. When they climbed out on shore, they saw a charcoal fire with fish on it and bread. Jesus said to them, "Bring some of the fish you just caught." So Simon Peter went over and dragged the net ashore full of one hundred fifty-three large fish. Even though there were so many, the net was not torn. Jesus said to them, "Come, have breakfast." And none of the disciples dared to ask him, "Who are you?" because they realized it was the Lord. Jesus came over and took the bread and gave it to them, and in like manner the fish. This was now the third time Jesus was revealed to his disciples after being raised from the dead.   When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?" Simon Peter answered him, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." Jesus said to him, "Feed my lambs." He then said to Simon Peter a second time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" Simon Peter answered him, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." Jesus said to him, "Tend my sheep." Jesus said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" Peter was distressed that Jesus had said to him a third time, "Do you love me?" and he said to him, "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you." Jesus said to him, "Feed my sheep. Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were younger, you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." He said this signifying by what kind of death he would glorify God. And when he had said this, he said to him, "Follow me."   This gospel passage has been present in our lives a great deal in the last few weeks, even in the weeks before we found out that God had knit new life from our union.    Initially, J brought this passage to me saying that "we should never give up".  In the meditation for the day he found it, they talked about a couple who was expecting their first baby and they were amazed because they said that 10-12 earlier they never would have imagined that God would bless them in such an extravagant way.  The reflection talked about how we should never give up and we should keep casting our nets.  This reflection really affected my husband because that is a passage he has always been attracted to and it just brought a whole new vision for him in relation to our fertility issues.  When he came to me and asked me "Did you read the meditation today yet?"  I knew something powerful had touched his heart to the core.  He has always been the one in our relationship to say that "God is gonna do it, we just have to keep trying!"  As a woman, you know that sometimes it is hard to keep trying and coming up with empty nets (wombs).  By the way, I am not the best fisherwoman in the world, I tend to tire easily from boredom if I am not catching.  My husband can fish all day and not get a bite and then go back out tomorrow knowing that the fish may come today and just weren't hungry the day before.  What a match we are J    I think that is what made this pregnancy so surprising for me – doing the same thing month after month and then finally getting a different result!  Praise the Lord!   Anyway, back to Sunday's gospel.  I was stopped dead in my tracks when Jesus told the men to cast their nets over the RIGHT side of the boat.  It was then that their nets were filled to overflowing.  Then they recognized Jesus, as He was revealing himself for the 3rd time.  My heart was beating wildly inside of my chest.      The rest of the was a big blur, no nap, lots of company – both our parents were at our house and we had a great time visiting and I made a meal that we all enjoyed.   Which brings me to today!  I went to bed later than I should have because I had to get up and do another beta hcg test early before my first u/s that was set for 9:15 am.  The office staff was on top of things, the u/s tech was great and kind.  I worked with him before back in 2000 after my first miscarriage and he was just as patient as before.   We did a transvaginal u/s and I gave him a quick update on the history of my ectopic pregnancy, the loss of my left tube, etc.  He took it all in stride, then I asked him to be sure to look at that right tube because it is imperative that we try to catch another ectopic before my life is in danger again.  Unfortunately, I am aware that lots of things can go wrong with a pregnancy and that not all babies get to greet their waiting, doting parents.  He checked my right tube and found that there was no indication of inflammation or fluid build up that could indicate an right tubal pregnancy and did believe that he saw evidence of a very small gestational sac ( I am not sure I am using the right terms) inside the womb.  I don't remember the measurements, but he was fairly confident that this was the baby.  He sees hundreds of women with good and bad pregnancies, so I really felt confident in his interpretation.  Of course, there is always room for error, but not being diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy today was the best gift I could have been given.  The funny thing is that I have not been feeling pain on the right side since yesterday.  Oh, and to top it off he said that there was a small cyst on my left ovary meaning that I ovulated from the left ovary and the right tube caught it!  The doctors have told me this could happen, but it just makes me feel that more that this is completely God being God.    So . . . . right now we are trusting that the baby is in the womb.  We do know that my lining is nice and thick, all I know is the number 18+.  I am still waiting for blood test results, praying!!!!!   "I set before you life & death, blessings and curses; CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children will live!"  Deuteronomy 30:19

Feeling Joyful

After last night's late post, I crawled in bed and slept like a baby. It was so good for me. No hip pain, my husband flipped the mattress for us and we put on fresh sheets! I am pretty particular on my sheets and I change them alot, but during the week, I just kept putting it off. It might have helped that we put on my favorite sheets. We only have two sets, that's really all we need but the other ones pop off at the corners because we have a thick pillowtop. Anyway, everything was right for a great nights sleep.
I am absolutely thankful I did not stay awake worrying about the baby or the crazy work situation. I just slept so soundly. I think it helped that I was able to write down all of my worries and get back to a place of faith, trust, and surrender to God's will. I am not saying that it will be easy from here on out, I know that each day will bring it's challenges, but I can keep placing my trust in my God.
I was out of my t3 so last night I had to go without it. I usually take it at a certain time in the am/pm, so I had to get up early and go to the post office to see if it arrived. It did, I took the meds, ate breakfast, and am now playing on the computer.
I added a few fun things to my blog and seeing the numbers go down on the ticker is really keeping me encouraged right now. I do not wish to add to the cross of others when they see it though. I want to say that I am amazed at the support I am receiving from you all, but I already knew you all were amazing people. Ladies of great courage, compassion, and generousity. I do know that it can be hard hearing alot of pregnancy talk, etc, especially on some days more than others. I felt the same way at times although I was truly joyful for all the new announcements, I would wonder if I would be able to make an announcement like that. I found myself more envious with adoption successes more than pregnancy successes. I love all the graciousness of adoptions - the miracle of it all and I waited for my turn. I wasn't sure I would ever be able to get pregnant again and I had been finding myself really thanking God for the chance to mother two souls that were home with him. I was really having a peace about it. I was learning not try to force my will on God. Then He totally shakes up our world! I am not trying to say that because I tried to surrender that God intervened, I am just saying that just when you think you know what God is going to do next, He suprises you!
I am feeling so aware right now of that song that says "The Lord gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord Blessed be your name". I really think that the line could be "The Lord gives, takes away, and gives again." I say that because the timing of this pregnancy and the last one are just 50 weeks apart. I found out about this pregnancy on April 15, 2010 and the last one on April 28, 2009. The possible due dates are very close, so I am praying that redemptions is at hand and we have Christmas baby this year. From what I can calculate the due date for Little Bit is December 21, 2010. A due date is nothing but a close guess, but a new baby would be the most wonderful way to celebrate Jesus's birth!
So today I am joyful.
Psalm 113:9
He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children.

God's Will

First of all, I am so touched and feel so incredibly blessed to be a part of such an amazing group of women! Your words of encouragement brought me to tears and you all helped me to be excited for this pregnancy! You all brought me so much hope and it really comforted my soul.

I also want to take some time to thank someone else I know that prayed specifically for a very important prayer intention when she made her pilgrimage to Lourdes, Jeremiah 29:11 – thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know that we have been in the prayers of so many but I just wanted to thank you for being so kind in praying for my intention in Lourdes.

My day was really just glorious today. I woke up and ate the healthiest breakfast I could make before work. Two boiled eggs, yogurt, and a slice of low-fat cheese. Before this I weighed myself to have that number in mind as the starting point. I was really on cloud nine. My temps were still high, I was hot all night long (my personal sign that my progesterone was still okay), and I was just thankful to be a Mom again. I did not sleep well. I am having problems/pain in my right hip and that is the side I like to sleep on. I also kept having to go the bathroom. I am drinking a lot of water during the day and that plus hcg makes me go to the bathroom a lot. Ok, so this is all such personal stuff. Every time I would wake up, I would feel flutters of sensations (I don’t want to call it pain) on my right side! I WAS PETRIFIED!!! I then would have a talk with God and tell him that I knew that He was bigger than my worst fear. That I knew that he was BIGGER than and more powerful than my tube in question and that if He desired for this baby to live and be where it should be, He should darn well do it. How’s that for bossy? I think God understood where I was going with that. I hope!

I am not telling anyone at work about the pregnancy, but I did ask off for Monday morning for the u/s appt. I said it was just a personal appt. My boss became very angry that I wanted off because she planned to be off that day, I already had a replacement set up. She made today miserable for me, but I did not budge and told her that my appt was not optional and it was not able to be rescheduled.

I was thinking “am I going to lose my job just to have 3 ½ hours off for a major medical appt?”

I had an incredibly busy day at work and just ran with the punches. Well, I completely forgot that I was waiting on progesterone results. Seriously, I was in lala land for a good portion of the day just being thrilled that I am pregnant and that a little life is trying to grow inside of me. I did not do this with the last pregnancy, I worried about m/c 99.9% of the time. I worried about hcg numbers, but for some odd reason, my heart is just at peace with that, but ectopic pregnancy is a whole other ball game. Which leads me to the next big happening of my day. The nurse from PPVI calls me to go over all of the lab results. First of all, it was not my favorite nurse. I like this nurse but I just don’t feel as encouraged when I talked with her. She called me to say that my progesterone level on p+15 was 26 (I think she said high zone two – but that they are still concerned). I needed to do the pio as soon as possible. I told her I got the meds in today and the first injection would be tonight. She was happy about this. She also told me the hcg number again, which was 222 at P+15. She told me Dr. H wanted me to do another beta on Monday morning to see if the baby was growing as expected. Like I said this wasn’t my favorite phone call. She then told me that the do a CRP check and my levels were elevated. They were elevated before and she asked I had been sick, etc. I have been battling sinus headaches, but just dealing with the pain. No meds for it. She asked if I had any pain on my right side – I was honest and she was really quick to ask me if the pain/sensations were similar to those I experienced with the last pregnancy. That really scared me. It zeroed in on ALL of MY FEARS. I have no idea what a normal pregnancy feels like. I have no idea if you get pain from the corpus luteum working to make progesterone or if that is never felt in ‘normal’ women. Then, she asked me about increased CM discharge. I told her I did see some, but not an increased amount and described it. Last but not least, she asked me if I had any spotting or brown bleeding? FINALLY, I could say “NO”. At the end of the conversation she said “I am sure this is so hard for you, given your past experience. Congratulations! We will be praying for you and your little one. Tell your husband to do lots of things this weekend to keep your mind off of the pregnancy.” I thought that with the conversation that we just had, my chances of relaxing this weekend are SLIM!

After the end of my day for work . . . it was time to do the mediation meeting with my supervisor and the mediator. I got there on time, she came in later. I told the mediator of my pregnancy because I told her that I really wanted this meeting to not be confrontational or more stressful than necessary. I also told her I was not ready to share that news with work staff. The meeting was miserable, my mind could not wrap around why she was behaving the way she was behaving. They kept me there two hours and we both left more upset than we arrived. It is not working out and I don’t want to have to find a new job being pregnant. In all honesty, I don’t want to have to find a new job period, but I may just have to do so.

I don’t know what to do, but the best part of the evening was that our neighbors invited us over to have dinner at their home ( I got there late bc the meeting lasted to long for work). We laughed, cut-up, and I was just about able to forget about the painful meeting I had to endure.

We left our neighbor’s house late, so we got home to do the pio injection around 10:15 pm. By the way, these are the two neighbors who helped us and prayed with me when I was waiting for the ambulance to arrive to take me to the hospital when my tube ruptured. She wiped my face, talked me through my fear, and just prayed. That was all I needed, prayer.

So here I am – absolutely freaked out that my body could betray me again and that this will be my last chance to have life within me. I am terribly afraid of having something happen to this child or that it would result into another ectopic . . . that I was near tears awhile ago. I was just so afraid my husband and I would suffer so much if the worst would happen. Of course, my husband buoyed my hope and faith. I am reminded that God is bigger than all that could go wrong and that His WILL will be done. I can trust him. I can count on him to be at my side.

It is such an act of faith.

Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us.
St. Gerard, pray for us.
St. Gianna, pray for us.
St. Samuel, pray for us.
St. Nicholas, pray for us.
Our Lady of Loudes, pray for us.
St. Joseph, pray for us.
St. Rita, pray for us.

P is for PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!

Yes, apparently it is true! Despite my complete shock, humbled spirit, complete loss of words to express myself or my gratitude, I found out today that I am pregnant!

I still can barely type those words and my heart has had to just trust all day that God is in control of this baby's life and that no circumstance will change this child's relationship with their creator God!

Here is a little bit of the story of my day!

Last night my husband told me "Don't be afraid to test, you are going to be suprised!" Well, fast foward to 6 am this morning and despite going to the bathroom alot during the night, I decided to just test and get over the drama of the suprise of cd 1 showing up. Well, I am half asleep trying to free the pg test from it's package. Once I ripped open the box, I tested and recapped the test and carried it to my bedside table, I was too tired to wait for the three minutes in the bathroom. So I am holding it in my hand and turn on the lamp and see the words "PREGNANT" on the test. I freak out. Really, I was so shook up! J was still home so I called him into the room and he ran to the room to see what was going on and when I could finally talk, I showed him the test results! He was just as amazed as I was. I just kept looking at it. This was craziness!

I then manage to kick myself into high gear and I texted a quick pic of the test result to my prayer buddy!! Thanks, Sew!!! Your encouragement all day long kept me smiling and helped me to remember just how glorious this moment in time really is for J and I!!

I called PPVI at 9am to request a beta hcg test, then they called and had an order sent to my lab. I took an early lunch, tested, and then made the trip back to work! On a sidenote, I loved the lady at the lab! She was so happy that I was pregnant ;) I love that everyone just realized what a dream come true this is for us!

I really thought that the morning test could have been wrong and that the nurse is going to call me and tell me "Sorry, hon. You are not pregnant, it was a mistake." I was sitting on pins and needles waiting for a return call and as I am calling my lab to see if they sent the results, the nurse from PPVI calls me with my results. At first she did not have them and when I told her they had been sent she put me on hold and went to find them. It seemed I was on hold foever :) I was so suprised when seh came back and said "It's good news! At p+15, you hcg level is 222!!!"

Total, utter shock. I prayed all day long and did two rosaries begging God to keep this little one safe and secure!

I was also able to spend some time in adoration this evening and so my heart is filled with peace.

I told my husband first thing this morning that if we have this baby for 10 days or 60 years, I want to make the most of each day! I am trying to not be filled with worry and fear and just trust in God's will for our family.

I have contacted my local ob and she set me up for an early u/s for Monday, April 19.

Forever I will sing the praised of God!!

I will appreciate all prayers that anyone will be willing to offer up for us and for our child. I am so humbled.

By the way, to put some perspective on the miraculous presence of this baby here are a few stats of our history:
1. We have been married for almost ten years this July :)
2. We have been blessed with two other pregnancies! One in the first months of our marriage that was an early m/c and then last year with an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured.
3. I have been diagnosed with PCOS, severe endo, and had to have a huge battery of tests, surgeries, etc.
4. I ONLY HAVE ONE TUBE LEFT!!!! PRAISE GOD! We give him our little bit and he took care of the rest!

Update:
My blood draw today included shipping a sample to PPVI for progesterone testing. They did decide to already set me up for pio injections that I will start tomorrow night. Kubats is overnighting the meds to me and I will get it tomorrow. So far my temps are staying pretty steady! Ladies, thank you so much for your support and prayers!!! A big thanks goes out to all of my pb's, Sew, Mrs. Blondies, and Kathryn :) I don't know how to gracefully say that I don't feel worthy of this great gift, but I am so thankful for a new life! New hope, not only for J and I, but for the WHOLE WORLD! This is a complete miracle and nothing less. I am praying that we all have the opportunity to be stunned at God's goodness!

G is for grouchy!

I have been a bit on the grouchy side and just plain tired.

I miscalculated and today is p+13. Today's waking temp was 98.8.

Weird.

I am really giving myself a huge pep talk and telling myself that if cd 1 arrives this weeks, I will survive and that next month could be the one that works. Is that a stretch??? It was this month that we did Dr. H's 21 day antibiotics, so maybe next cycle will be the magical one. Not too convincing, I know. Just trying to be flexible, hopeful, and trusting in God's continuous care for me and my husband.

On the upside, I mentioned that I wanted to start clearing out the middle room (future nursery) on Sunday night and when I got home yesterday, J started clearing things out. He tends to store some household tools in there, etc. I can't wait to finish the job.

I have been having a burning desire to get a nursery done soon. I have been comparing cribs, careseats, etc. Goodness, I am just ready to fill a nursery soon! Gotta go, unexpected company just showed up :)

Date Night & Nesting

We had a great night! The movie definitely had some mature themes, but we laughed so much! Our friends are so much fun to be with and it is just great being around fun, lively people!

Today, we slept late and went to a late mass, which was great. We then picniced at a local park. Priceless!

Then. . . I cam home and did all of the neglected housework and cooked one of my favorite recipes from my grandma! It turned out perfect, I was so happy!

My heart is rejoicing for this time of respite!

It's Saturday!!

I got to sleep in today, leisurely make some breakfast, and now have a hallmark movie on and playing on the computer. What a day so far!
I really need to clean my house, the floors needs to be cleaned and the laundry needs to be done. I am procrastinating :)
Yesterday was adventerous! I had a ridiculous encounter with the lady I work with and I seriously don't know what is keeping me there? Fear, Hope? I was ready to just quit when she just would not stop getting in my face over an imagined offense. I heard that she lost her temper with another person and they were forced to confront her on it. Maybe she thought she could take out her anger on me, but I am no longer a target. I just stand my ground and keeping praying for the change that I have been promised from above by the one who can create a change in the dynamics of the office.
Other adventures that happened included planting some new flowers, adding bird feeders and hummingbird feeders and filling them, doing some mild yard work which resulted in a HUGE suprise! I picked up a gardening brick close to my porch and found a long, coiled ground rattler. I dropped the brick back on it (it did not move when I discovered it) then I ran into the house to get J and told him it was an emergency ;) He got a shovel, lifted the brick, and killed the offending snake!! I kept thinking it was a nest and so J had to keep using the shovel. Finally, they were all gone and he finished the work I started with the bricks. We then cooked a great little supper, watched a movie, and headed to bed. Planting flowers always make me happy!!!
I was also able to get my lab results from PPVI yesterday too. They are staying pretty consistent. I think that I should be thankful for that.
On the April 7, 2010 draw, the p4 was 27.5 and the estradoil was 25.9. I am at p+11 right now, thank goodness. Last month it was p4 - 27.7, estradoil - 27.5. I really wished I would know more about those numbers, but then again I would probably be driving myself crazy. Right now, I am pretty relaxed.
We are going on a date night with some friends to see "Date Night" and to have dinner! I love days filled with good friends :)

Crazy Post

Ok, this post is absolutely all over the place!!!  I just can't help it.    I am so tired!  I cannot seem to catch up on my rest.  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am returning to work after a nice, relaxing vacation.  I am just always ready to go to sleep at 9pm the last few nights.  I have been a bit crabby when I am not able to get all the sleep I need or when I want to go to sleep ;)  Not painting a pretty picture.  Last night I slept on my new pillowcase and I slept so hard.  I took my last hcg shot (p+7) last night and when I am on the hcg, I am always running back and forth to the bathroom and have to wake up out of a deep sleep.    I have also been drinking tons of water and trying to phase out my soft drink consumption, so that could be the culprit to the many potty breaks.  Hahaha.  Gotta love it.   The little boy I requested prayers for is back at home with his mom, brother, and stepfather.  I am just at a loss of what to do anymore.  I talked with her before he was sent back home, but I found my heart racing because I was trying to choose my words so carefully but be stern at the same time, sometimes charity calls you to make people aware of how their actions are affecting others.  She got very angry and my Mom told me that CPS will not intervene if there is food in the cabinets, and shelter.  It doesn't matter if their home is a pig's pen, full of strife, and both boys are failing school.  The system is so wretched and yet it helps to protect some of the most vulnerable.    The night I spoke with her I asked for both of my little saints in heaven to each be on guard for each of those boys.  I believe they were.  My Mom really gave their mom a verbal spanking and I just don't know if anything will change.  This situation causes me great stress and so I am trying to act nonchalant about it, but I am anything but nonchalant.  I would happily go load up those boys, pack their belongings and commit to raising them and homeschooling them.  Unfortunately the damage she wished to inflict on them is done and it will take a great deal of healing for them to trust others and God again.    In relation to my work situation, I just am blown away at the direction they keep trying to take with the mediation and downright upset about it.  I had to have the 3rd session yesterday, after work, and the lady clearly asked me to tell her what % of my depression from losing a child is contributing to the conflict with this deceitful, proud woman that I am exposed to every day.  I have learned through the mediation that I am an IFSP on the MB personality profile and they basically told me that I need to balance out my sensitivity with thinking.  Really?  My husband is READY for me to just leave.  I am MORE THAN READY to leave.  I don't even want to look back anymore.  I think that if the lady did not take that strong direction, I could have wanted to keep trying to resolve this.    I think that is it cruel to tell someone that well the reason for all of the problems you are experiencing with Mrs. X is because you are sad you have no babies.  Could it be that she is just a difficult person to work with.  I have not told any of my co-workers what is going, that there is even any mediation or how that is progressing, but I am not the only one who finds her bristly, self-centered, and cold.  Enough about that.  I am so glad I kept it together in that session.  No tears.    I do have to say that I don't feel depressed about the loss of Nicky at this time.  I have been so showered in grace that I have peace that God wanted them with Him and that they are doing a mighty work in fulfilling God's will for their lives.  I have peace that my children are in the presence of God.  Sometimes I miss them, but I am working so hard in not letting fear, anger, resentment still my joy for life, my faith in God, and my own eternal blessings!!!  We are still very hopeful for more children!!!  That is a statement of FAITH.  I find myself incredibly lucky that I had life in my body and that I was able to provide a shelter for that child, however long or short.    I am currently p+8 and did my bloodwork yesterday with my favorite tech.  They all know me by name there and I told J last night that I think it would make me feel less like a side show if they did not know me by name, because that would mean I would not have to have seen them so often J  On the upside, it is going to be a time of celebration when I can introduce them to one of our babies.  What a glorious time that will be for all of us!!!  I should be able to get the results before the weekend.  The girls have been sore for about 5 days, but it could just be hormone related.  Don't really have any indication what my hormones are doing right now, but it must be okay since I have not been tears so far this month.  This has been a really long cycle and if I pinpointed the peak right, it will be over 35 days.  This cycle we did the 21 days of antibiotics, I did the antibiotic to enhance cm of cd 14-18, fertile cm on cd 10-p+2, clomid cd 4-8, t3, probiotics, and vitamin b6 daily.  The hcg was used p+3, 5, and 7.  When I type it out, it seems a lot less than what I consume everyday.   On a really funny note, two nights ago I woke up from a dead sleep and panicked looking for D (our godson who went with us to WDW)!  He always slept on a cushioned pallet next to our bed during the trip, so I thought he was gone.  I was looking all around and the J came back in from the kitchen and he said he had a similar dream and once he really woke up he realized what day it was and that the poor child was at home with his parents!  I had to wake up and reorient myself, it was nuts.  Absolutely nuts!!!  Well, last night I had the same dream.    After my stressful day, my in-laws came over to visit and we played games.  It always relieves so much stress for me.  Good times J   I don't know if I ever said before but there is a pokino group that I am in with my mil and tonight is my turn to host.  When we host, we buy three gifts for 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and boobey prizes.  The boobey is for the person with the least amount of points that night.  So it will be another late night, but good food, good friends, and fun competition.     "I set before you life & death, blessings and curses; CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children will live!"  Deuteronomy 30:19

Thanks Sew!

My heart is full of gratitude because of Sew's thoughtful gift! Sew, you must have known how much I love my sleep! There will be sweet dreams tonight!!

prayers needed!

I know that it is so early to be begging for more prayers, but I need anyone who reads this to pray for a special 12 year old boy. He is the one we had live with us for a few months, but he returned home and continues to spiral out of control bc his mom is not a mother. Please pray for him and pray for J and I as we discern how to forget about hurting people's feelings and just follow our gut to protect this child's soul and the soul of his brother. Without going into too many details, he is not currently in his mother's care and I need to storm heaven to ask God to mercifully hold this little boy in his hand.

I have been a total basketcase all day since I found out and just beside myself. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one with a mother's heart for those two boys.

Sacred Heart of Jesus, hold us all tight to you! Amen!

Spring is here . . praise God!

We have put off cutting the grass long enough and had to bite the bullet and get it done! We pulled out the old lawnmower and weedeater and cut our acre today. The lady who owned our property before us loved flowering plants, so every Easter we are blessed to have hundreds of blooms of yellow lilies. After cutting grass and while J was still weedeating, I picked some flowers and put them in a vase for the kitchen table. The last picture is a very upset Baylie because I was keeping her away from the flowers.

I love Easter Monday, not only because I am off for the day, but it just feels so relaxing to be in the joy of Easter, Resurrection.

Joy is reigning in my heart.

Laughter has been my companion.

My heart is light.

Oh, while I was outside the dragonflies were everywhere! Not just one or two, but hundreds. Everytime that happens, my heart just forgets to beat.

Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us.

Beautiful Mess!!!

I was so amazed at God's amazing grace this Lent and the honor to be albe to pray for such a beautiful family - Jemmers and her sweet and growing family!

I hadn't really knew about her beautiful soul and story until I was blessed with her as my prayer buddy!!! I was so struck with her generousity of spirit and her family's journey that I went back and read as much of her blog (from the beginning, hahaha) and was so blown away at the grace she has shown over the last few years in caring for so many of God's little souls. Beautiful Mess, you inspired me to trust God even more and that He is always carrying me in the palm of his hand.

Many times over Lent, I prayed many times a day for you and your growing family! I offered all of my suffering from my difficult work environment and my tired body and feet from our trip to WDW for you and for you husband and your daughter and your daughter in spirit that will hopefully be home and safe with you all one day soon, God willing!

While I was in FL, I felt that it was a gift from God to pray for Elise while I was on FL soil :) I know that you are praying for her safety and health, so I joined you in that prayer!

I was so sad to hear about Eva's seizure, so I really stepped up my prayers and on the Tuesday when your two most recent foster children were placed back with their family, I prayed for you every hour on the hour and prayed for you in the days that followed! It did my heart some good to see that you were finding joy in spending so much one on one time with Eva.

Thanks, BM, for sharing your amazing jouney with me!!! I pray that God continues to use your family to change the world, one child at a time!

Speaking of pb's, I want to thank SEW!! I am so thankful for all of your prayers and all of your offered sacrifices on my family's behalf :) God has really been working on me this Lent and I know that your prayers before God helped all of those changes to come to pass!!!! You are such a beautiful soul and I can't wait to plan a southern IF gathering ;)

Happy Easter!!! The Grave is EMPTY!

We're Back!!!

We made it back from Florida on Friday morning around 2 am. Our drive both there and back were great and we had the best time hanging out with our six year old nephew/godson, and two of my best friends and their families. They are such generous souls and I really saw for the first time really just how lucky I am to be connected to them and their families through friendship. It all started about 14 years ago at the Catholic Student Center. It was something we were all amazed about - how God connected families in such marvelous ways. There was not ONE DULL MOMENT and rest or relaxion seems something to be grasped but it was absolutely FUN! I needed fun in my life, I needed laughter and peace and that is what I got. I fell in love with my amazing husband all over again. We were lucky to be able to care for our nephew for one whole week and it sure wore us out. There were seven kids under seven!!!! At any given point we were pushing three kiddos in the sit and stand stroller. The kids outnumbered the strollers :). We only had one kid to push and so all the other kids thought it would be great to be pushed by Uncle J! My husband is a strong man and he was sore after three days with a stroller packed down with kids and junk (snacks and drinks). We packed all our snacks and drinks and only bought one meal a day at the park. This worked out perfect and everyone was satisfied. I did not really think that the parks would be so full, but they were. We were able to go to Magic Kingdom two days and Hollywood Studios one day, and then Animal Kingdom one day. We loved the rides, shows, and charater greetings!
We are now officially post peak and I do have to say that Disney World does wonders for the worries of an IF girl. I barely thought about meds, timing, charting (I still need to catch up on that), etc. It was GLORIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was great to get home though, even though the condo was amazing! There is no place like home and two super lonesome cats to welcome us. My mom came and cared for the cats while we were away. They were spoiled but still missed us.

I have been having some good detachment from needing to be mom feelings. I have been finding myself very thankful that other people share their children with us and that we get to experience the joy of children even if we are not parenting them. We are grateful for that. I am so grateful for N and S. I really feel blessed and in a good place lately. I still want to be a mother to a child here on earth, but I don't want to let that unhappiness about that area of my life suck all the life out of every other part of who I am. It has been that way for way too long and I am just in a place of waiting. I do believe with my whole heart we will have noisy house with wet bathroom floors and tubs strewn with bath toys one day soon, but in the meantime I want to be happy with all the blessings I already have in my life.

Enjoy the pictures below. It is really amazing how much D looks like my husband. Gives me a glimpse of what our kids would have or will look like.

By the way, our motto for the week with D was "You get what you get and you don't pitch a fit!" By the second day of the trip all I would have to say is "You get what you get -" and he would say the rest. It worked like a charm, I was amazed! Seems like that lesson might be a good one for me to remember! The other motto for the week was "Stop, look, and listen!" This comes in handy with a child dealing with ADHD in a park full of people.