Sadness

I have been battling some feelings of sadness today. Wondering when I will be able to see all of my prayers, wishes, dreams, and investment of time and treasure come to fruition. I don't mean it to say that this has been an all comsuming thought but it has been present and I am having to literally use all of my strenth to pust the darkness from my mind so that there is more room for light and hope.
My day was filled with preping our tax info to meet with out accountant (if that is what you call her) today. I am glad it is over, but as usual we have to pay (ALOT) even with itemizing all of the freaking medical stuff from last year. The most helpful thing is that she is a praying woman and values the same things we value. I could not ask for a more wonderful person to do my taxes with. She is encouraging and smart! She was sad to see us have to pay! She is really pulling for us to get our little one soon. Every prayer helps. It is so weird to be so transparent!
I have been reading some recent blogs of the grief that comes along with losing a child through miscarriage and it makes me sad. It brings up so many memories. Tonight I heard a song that really spoke to my heart and made me sadder. It is called "Held" by Natalie Grant. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that God holds me close to his heart. God bless me indeed and be all that I need!

Blessing

Someone I work with just shared with me that she was given some Holy Water from Lourdes and asked if I wanted to be blessed with it. You should have seen the huge grin on my face. I immediately said "YES". So she quickly brought the bottle to me and allowed me use generously of the gift of her Holy Water. She observed this and I immediately did the sign of the cross and said that I was going to say a prayer for blessing of my womb. She was so excited and honored. i am so glad she shared her gift. I know it may sound silly, but I am having some seious hope lately. I had great P type musus last night and we are all about making the most of it all ;) So happy! I keep praying that my belly can get rounder with new life VERY SOON!

Happy Day

The day was just a usual day! But what has me soooo happy is that I was able to get a wonderful haircut today! I have the best little lady that does my hair and I was so overdue for a haircut. All these vitamins are making my hair grow so fast, I know I could find other things to complain about. She gave me a spectacular haircut in like 25 minutes. I called my husband to meet me at TOy.sr.us before leaving town to look for a TOnka tractor for our nephew's 5th birthday on Friday. We can't find one anywhere. So I have a $3 coupon that would have expired soon so I bought a cute little bib for my youngest nephew/godchild that said "I love my aunt" on it and it only cost me $1.08. Can't beat that. Then since it was getting a little late, we decided to use our gift certificate that we got from some of our friends to a local steakhouse. The day was pretty unplanned, but it turned out well. And this was all after we got off of work.
My stomach is felling better, but I still feel terribly bloated and the scale is showing that I gained a few pounds in the last week. I am really distraught about it and tried to make better food and activity choices today. I am having some severe pain in my left hip. I also had some serious LAP yesterday. I never had problems with pain with my left hip before. I keep thinking that it is gracing me with it's presence becasue I am about to turn a year older. My birthday is on Sunday - Yes, superbowl sunday. The great thing is that I got my first birthday card from my best friend today. She is in law school and we don't get to see each other too often any more. Then my other two very close friends planned a day out of town for me to go have fun with them to shop and eat in Lafayette. One of them lives in Baton Rouge and the other lives in Lake Charles, so we are meeting in the middle. One of them is picking me up so I don't even have to drive there. I am looking foward to it. J is planning something for Friday evening. I am looking foward to celebrating just being alive! I am going to try to not focus on what I do not have, but what I do have. Sorry that I have been out of commission lately. Just been getting everything ready for a few birthdays coming up and doing our STUPID taxes. The reason I say STUPID is because those doggone taxes are not going to be going to things that I support. Some of it will, but some will not. Then, of course, when I call our lady to schedule the appt, she always asks me "So are their any children yet? " Don't you think I would mention this !!!!! We really appreciate her, so I just told her "WE are still working on it! Maybe NEXT YEAR! God knows we want a baby for more reasone than for deductions, but that would be a bonus! We are forever having to pay extra at the end of the year.

Anyway, this was supposed to be a happy post, so I just have to say that dinner out with my husband and looking at baby stuff at the store (picking out what kind of swing I would want), and getting a fantastic haircut really made my day! Hope you all have something to be thankful for today!

A Little Freaked Out w/ Update

Okay, so I had this wonderful weekend planned. We were going to spend the day with some friends on Saturday by going to lunch and a local boat and RV show, but our day was stopped short bc our friends that we were with got a call that their business had been broken into and trashed on Friday evening. Then we were going to make a homemade low-fat chicken pizza for dinner, but while I was tending to the baby (we were babysitting my youngest godchild who is nearly 3 mo.) my husband got distracted and the pizza turned out to be very dry. Not that it mattered bc my hands were too full with caring for the baby to really eat. The poor little one is teething and was so miserable. He is too young for baby orajel, so we just tried some old tricks to console him. Overall he was very happy and content, but he fought his sleep bc his parents forgot to pack his little musical seahorse that goes to sleep with. We did not think it would be too big of a deal, but apparently we did not know how much he liked that seahorse. He would take short catnaps with me, but once I would put him in our playpen to rest, he would scream and cry. He did not do this with us the other times we kept him. We were at a loss of how to console him and really thought maybe he is just too young to be away from his parents for this long, so we called them to come by and get him before they headed home. We had planned for them to pick him up today at 11am, but we did not want him to be so uncomfortable for too long. By the time we called them they were able to have about 6 1/2 hours by themselves, so I think that was a good enough amount of time for them to rest and enjoy one another. When they did arrive at our home, he was quiet with me but when I gave him to her he just cried for another 2o minutes fighting his sleep, but then wimpered out! Finally the poor little guy could get some good rest.!

But now for the reason I am so freaked out. Once I relaxed when he left - it was around 1 am, but we were so wound up we could not sleep, I realized that my belly was hurting me. I have a very large scar from my surgery in Sept. 08 and just to the right of it, there was some soreness. I thought maybe the way I was holding him or with him kicking while he was playing and being fed that maybe I got kicked in a certain spot and did not realize it. Still to this day, I am tender around my incision area. I thought that I could sleep it off, but it just continued to be present through the night and when I woke up this morning, it felt a little bloated in that one area and warm to the touch. It took some tylenol and stayed home from church. Then I put some cold compresses on it. Right now, I am sitting in my recliner with the cat b/t my legs and a bag of frozen vegetables on my belly. It is not unbearable pain, but it really freaks me out. It is still swollen. It is not showing any red on the surface of my skin even though it continues to remain warmer than the rest of my bellly when I do not have the cold compresses on. I was afraid of an infection and not tending to it right away. I really think I can wait to see what Dr. Hilgers nurse would recommend when I call them tomorrow. I was planning to call anyway to get some input of my musus pattern this month, bc yesterday it was just tacky clear and today it returned to stretchy clear. I don't want to stress and end up with another double peak. I am on cd 16 and I have been having Fertile cm for the last several days. Don't have my chart to give specifics right now.

Back to another reason I am freaked out is bc I wonder how my incision will handle a growing belly bc of a much desired for pregnancy! Please just keep me and J in your prayers bc I am likely driving him nuts right now. He is so good about helping me not worry, but right now I was mad that he wasn't as worried as I was!!!!

Anyway, I am going to try to add a few pics of the little one we had last night to show that there were some good moments and we are not completely inept at caring for children. Which is what I felt last night. I felt like we were saying "we are losers, we can't take care of your little boy for even one night by ourselves! Maybe we should not be PARENTS." But then I realized that we are doing what is best for him by getting his parents to come get him so his little body could rest!

UPDATE: My husband went to town and took my vehicle so that he could be up a few groceries and some fuses bc his truck needed a fuse replaced so that his windshield wipers would work. They stopped working on Thurs. Well, he went to three different places and made it to the third and picked up the groc. and when he tried to start my vehicle, it won't start! His dad is going to meet him to see what the problem is. Please say a prayer for him is overwhelmed and so am I! We both work about 30-40 min away from our home and go in different directions so this could make for one miserable week. Let's just hope it is something simple and inexpensive!

2nd update: My vehicle is fine. All we needed was a new battery. Good thing I transferred enough money to cover both a new dryer and battery! It's is funny how big purchases come in pairs!

Such simple things

On my way home last night from our local March for Life event, I called my husband to see if I needed to pick up anything on my way home. He was so bummed out, so I asked him what was wrong. And he begrudgingly told me that he thought that our dryer stopped working. Now, I must admit that I have been avoiding doing laundry like the plague for the last week because I have been very lazy! I had enough clothes to make it through and we have tons of linens, so I wasn't bothered. While I was out, my sweetie tried to do a few loads and learned while I disliked our hand-me down dryer for the last two years. I have been trying to get him to agree with me that we needed a new dryer, well that time has finally arrived. While he was wallowing, I was so happy. I will be able to get a new dryer AND it would be one that would be quiet!!!!
Well, being the planner, I picked one out on the se.ar.s website and went to the store, but checked out Lo.we's on the way. Nothing I really like at low.es, I head to se.ars, the one I chose is not in stock. I choose another, not there either. So we go to another local home appliance store, they are sold out of the brand we want. On sheer desperation, we go to sam.s and find on that is a great price and just what we were looking for. So our Friday night was spent dryer hunting! We then had the joy of unloading it, removing the old one, and installing the new one! My sweetie was a complete pro and complained only a little. I was quite suprised!! Well, the great news is my first load of laundry has been washed and the new dryer is drying it's first ever load! I told J earlier that it is the little things that bring me so much joy these days.
My days have been better this week, at least emotionally. I had a rough day at work earlier this week bc I was completely focused on some perosnal things and forgot to do some of my normal little things.
In cycle news, my cm is better in quality and consistency. Nothing else to note. I am letting myself just ride hope these days.

Sixteen Things

I was tagged to share 16 things that you all may not know about me. I was tagged by Stacey at
http://reillyfarmwifeprayingtobecomepregnant.blogspot.com/2009/01/getting-to-know-little-more-about-me.html

So here goes:
1. When I was looking for a second job while in college, I found out about this really high paying secretary job at a mable company and when I pulled into the parking lot for the interview, I heard a voice from God saying I would meet my husband here. I did. It was so strange, but I was so thankful. The voice was so loud and clear, I sort of thought I was going crazy.

2. I have a new devotion to Our Lady of Guadalupe and am enjoying all of the things she is teaching me.

3. I am an only child.

4. My two favorite colors are lavender and pink.

5. I love to take pictures and sometimes of really strange things that I find fascinating. The pictures usually come out fantastic.

6. In college, I had a very dear friend named Sr. Renee who revealed to me the simplicity of God.

7. I am a lector at our church.

8. I once worked for Burger King the summer before I started college. I worked there for 4 hours. I was such a wimp!

9. I am about one inch taller than my sweet honey.

10. I once wanted 8 children.

11. I love to read.

12. I am known by whole community to be the one who makes the best pecan pies! There is always so many requests for them around the holidays.

13. I loved to play basketball and volleyball in high school.

14. I love the Holy Family. I have a curio cabinet filled with images of the Holy Family.

15. I tend to stock pile groceries and household essentials becase we live so far away from the nearest grocery store or Walmart/Target.

16. I crave olives sometimes.

Now, if your name is listed below, consider yourself tagged:

Sew Infertile
This Cross I Embrace
All You Who Hope
The Peace of Cross
Fight the Good Fight of Faith

Have a great evening!

The Gift of Family

Today, I got to hang out with my Mom and aunt. It is not like we did anything spectacular but just visit and talk about mindless things. It is nice to sometimes to not have any heavy conversations, if you know what I mean. My mom acted a little funny when we first arrived and I was unsure why, but did not give it much thought. Well, it turns out she was trying to be very secretive about what she was preparing for me for my birthday. She made me a beautiful crocheted pink and cream blanket. The throw is pink and cream stripes and I love it. She really wanted to finish before I left this evening, so I even got to see her finish it up and was able to take it home with me tonight. It was such a blessing to see her do it and the joy she found in doing it. I was exhausted when I finally got to come home, but I was so happy to show it off to J when I arrived home. It was truly a remarkable day. My mom will be having her last chemo tomorrow and my aunt is taking her since I have to be back to work.
I made it home just in time to see a show that I am currently addicted to, The Secret Life of an American Teenager. It is a show about a young girl who got pregnant by accident in her first sexual encounter with an older boy at her school while at band camp. I have been watching to see how it will all play out and if it will have any truth to the real sacrifice a teenage mother commits herself to when she decides to raise her baby. Right now she is really feeling pressured to place her child with an adoptive family. She is really torn in what to do and I am just so glad that they did not allow it to look easy. I think that would be the most difficult decision in the world to make. The world thought that my mom should have put me up for adoption since my mom would not have an abortion. I had good and bad times in my childhood, but I think that my mom made the right decision. It took my whole extended family to bring me up, but I think that sometimes that is what has made me such a well rounded and compassionate person. Not that I am trying to say I am great or anything like that, but I really believe that my life experiences really shaped who I am and I believe that it helps me to be a little more understanding of women who find themselves not knowing what to choose for their baby. I don't really know where all of this rambling is going except to say that I am very thankful that my mother chose life for me despite all of the pressure to do otherwise.
I started the FertileCM today. It is cd 10. So now it is my job to monitor my stress levels and be very observant. I am not really sure what is going on with all of my hormones these days. There are few tale-tell signs that my hormones are off and I am seeing a few of them which is not good for my wandering mind. It just freaks me out and makes me paranoid. As if I am not crazy enough!
I had the wildest dream last night that continues to bother me today. I had a dream that a young girl was trying to get us to adopt her newborn little boy. She literlly pushed this child into my arms. It was really traumatizing. It was like the mother was so desperate to get rid of her baby. I was trying to feed the baby and n I was clinging to him bc the mom was so completely unstable I did not want her any where near the baby. Then I woke up sweating and freaking out. It was so real. I kept seeing images of this little boy all day today. When I first woke up after the dream, I prayed for God to take away those images from my mind if it was not a message from him. It was so not in line with the direction we are going these days and I am really trying to just stick with His will for my life and not my own. I shared the dream with J this evening and he said "Why can't you dream about us having our OWN baby??" I told him "I have no clue". I heard that God can reveal things to us in our dreams so I am wondering what he is trying to reveal to me at this time. It just occured to me "If we can convince these girls to stop having abortions and they are not ready to mother their children - who is going to love all of the world's children? " May God bless us all with the desires of our heart and lead all of the children of the world into loving homes.

Expecting a Miracle - The Movie

Last night I watched a beautiful Hallmark movie called "Expecting a Miracle". In the beginning my husband was waiting for the bomb to drop in the movie . . . but I went into it not knowing what to expect. I did know however that it would have a good ending. All Hallmark movies have good endings. During the commercials, we had some very intense and eye-opening discussions. My husband LOVES tv and sometimes this is a way to bring new ideas around to him. One of our conversations led me to tell him he needed to read my post from earlier in the day, which he did. It allowed him to understand how I was feeling a little sad about why my body needs so much meds. To him, this a means to an end. I am trying to believe that too.
Anyway, if you can watch this movie, make a point to see it. It is still coming on the hallmark channel. There was so much truth to the movie and the full-fronted honesty of what it is like to not have great fertility.
I shared with J that I finally came to conclusion yesterday that if we have only one baby, I could honestly feel like that is enough (sorta a gift from my reading yesterday, since I have been adament about wanting at least 2 children) then I realized that I have been coming around to the realization that God wants me to find satisfaction in the way my life is at the moment. I need to be completely thankful that I am blessed with a holy man as my husband and a strong, sacramental marriage. That is blessing enough. I am having a very difficult time writing these words bc they are still so new to my heart. I just know that not having a baby is not going to kill me, my life can go on. On the side note, though dealing with insensitive people and seeing beautiful babies that go unloved might be the end of me. For me, I think that is where the battle lies. I don't know how to handle my emotions in these circumstances. I believe that God is going to bless me and Jessy with a pregnancy one day (hopefully soon) but I need to be at peace that I am getting better every day and rejoice in the life God has given me this day. No matter where God leads me, He will be right there with me, unless I walk away. I don't want to walk away from him. I believe that God will open my womb one day. It may be once. It may be many. I will choose to wait on the Lord and follow my doctor's orders.
J and I spoke last night about how God has allowed us to find and meet Dr. Hilgers for a reason and that all of these steps are ordained by God. Our path is not random, God has many blessings and a big purpose he is fulfilling.
I hope you all get to see the movie. If you already have, let me know what you think!

Some much needed inspiration . . .

It's true, I have been feeling pretty down about where I am in my life right now. This always happens around my birthday. Life sure did not turn out like I planned it, but at the same time I am so thankful for all of the gifts and new hope the past year has brought me.
I am bored beyond belief this week. Seriously, this almost never happens and I think it has given me too much time to think and wallow in my own pity.
Well, my office is filled with Catholic books so I picked one up today and read until I found some hope for my situation. I know the story of Saint Joachim and Saint Anne, but nothing prepared me for one solitary line that would take my breath away.
This story was found in the book "Voices of the Saints" by Bert Ghezzi. A medieval hagiographer says that when Joachim was so saddend by the shame inflicted on him for be unable to father a child, that he decided to avoid his family and friends and go live with his sheperds, God intervened. Jacob of Voragine, the medieval hagiographer, says "an angel appeared to Joachim and said 'I am sent to announce to you that your prayers have been heard . . . I have seen how you were put to shame, and heard the reproach of childlessness wrongly put upon you. God punishes not nature but sin, and therefore, when he closes a woman's womb, he does this in order to open it miraculously later on, . . . So then, your wife will bear you a daughter and you will call her Mary. As you have vowed, she will be consecrated to the Lord from infancy and filled with the Holy Spirit from her mother's womb. . . Miraculously, the Son of the Most High will be born of her. His name will be Jesus, and through him all nations will be saved. And let this be a sign to you when you arrive at the Golden Gate of Jerusalem, Anne your wife will be there waiting for you . . .Meanwhile, Anne was weeping bitterly, not knowing where her husband had gone, when the same angel . . .reavealed to her the same thing told to Joachim, and added that . . .she should go to jerusalem's Golden Gate, where she would meet her husband . . . So they met as the angel had predicted, and were happy to see each other and to be sure they were to have a child. They adored God and went to their home, joyfully awaiting the fulfillment of the divine promise. Anne conceived and brought forth a daughter and they called her Mary."
As I said earlier, I have just been having a difficult time lately believing that God would like for me to have a child with my husband. I feel that I am just having a hard time accepting that it is going to include me taking lots of meds and vitamin supplements when my friends, family, and coworkers that eat nothing but junk and never care for their bodies and have beautifully perfect babies that they tire of so easily. This post is really taking a negative turn and so I am going to nip it in the bud.
I really needed this message today and I wanted to share it with all of you who provide so much support to me.
On a side note, I got my new meds in the mail and I started the B6 today. We will see what the future holds while being assured that it is held loving in the hands of my loving Father.
Lastly, look at how Joachim dealt with the problem - he isolated himself and in turn left his wife wondering where he was with all of this. She weeped bitterly alone and he wandered, literally. Then the angel spoke to both of their hearts and they were reunited in the hope of God. Finally, look at how Joachim and Anne responded to God's promise "they adored God and went home to joyfully await the fulfillment of the divine promise!" I need to do the same.

Question - I need to know!

I am cd5 and am experiencing some pretty heavy bleeding. Is it normal to pass some clots during this time, even after surgery. It is not nearly as bad as it was pre-surgery, but with each cycle after my surgery, I am noticing that is is getting progressively heavier. I just need to know it this is what a normal body should do? I haven't taken my Pontsel since 7am and forgot it at home. I am supposed to take it every 6 hrs. The pontsel reduces the heaviness and cramps. If any of you have any insight, please share. I am very fearful that the work of the surgeries will not last.

Cycle Review

Today, I spoke with the nurses at the PPVI to do my cycle review. It was very helpful. I really like the nurse that I usually speak with and find her so encouraging.
Together, we realized that I did have a double Peak last cycle and did not do the hcg meds on the right days, but this was no problem and did not have any adverse effects on my cycle. I am telling you this nurse is so encouraging and understanding, I am so very thankful. We saw that that I had an eleven day luteal phase (which is nearly normal, woo hoo). Sorry, I just get so excited to have even one thing going my way. I am now on cd 4. She reviewed all my current meds and was then going to speak to Dr. Hilgers to show him my chart and get any instructions that he wanted her to pass on to me. She said she would call later in the afternoon or the next morning. Much to my suprise, she called only a few minutes later to tell me of the additions that he was suggesting some new meds for me to try in additon to the T3, hcg, metformin, and prenatal vitamins. He wants me to start taking B6 vitamins and then take something called FertileCM. I had to order the FertileCM from the website called www.fertilecm.com . Whoever knew??? They have a whole line of fertility and pregnancy nutritional supplements. Has anyone ever used any of these vitamins or FertileCM? Just curious. I will have to use the fertilecm on days 10 to P+2. I ordered it right away, but it is really tough shelling out so much money for meds. I just keep hoping that these meds just might to the trick. Now I just have know my real Peak day and then not stress this cycle so that I can avoid a double peak.
In other news, I had a wild day at work and heard some real horrible stories. Let's just say that I have some new intentions on my prayer lists.
Prayers are going out for all of my fellow bloggers, thanks for all of your support!

I'm a new woman!

I am feeling so great today! Physically, that is. Emotionally, it has been a difficult day.
I finally have some needed energy and was able to make it a great day at work. I was able to get some big projects done and that was really empowering. I spent some time in adoration today for a few minutes in between my walks around the buildings at work. Time spent there always makes me more transparent to myself. The hard truths seem to unravel themselves. It is not always comfortable, but it is definitely necessary. After I finished my big projects, I took some time to just walk around the grounds and spent some time in front of the image of the "Dancing Jesus". I just looked deeply into his eyes and knew that I can't wait to really be able to dance with him in heaven one day. The weather was beautiful and sunny with just a slight chill in the air. While walking, a beautifully created spider web caught my attention. It was so small, but absolutely beautiful. I just admired it and all of the work that itsy, bitsy spider did to create it. I kept thinking that anything could wipe it out. A bird flying through the branches, a strong wind, a broken branch, or even someone who just did not want it there anymore. I made me think that we are all just as vulnerable. Anything can come along and change our surroundings, those things we have that make us feel safe. As humans, though, we have the ability to have a personal relationship with God and therefore the ability to not be shaken by the wind, the falling branches, or even something that flies straight at us and has the potential to destroy us and our hope. Because I have faith in God, all of this and more can happen and my joy should not be shaken. I don't need anything more in my life than the assurance that I am in God's favor. I am loved by God. I am His girl. I am really in need of a retreat. Because I work at a retreat center that I usually use as my retreat getaway, I haven't been on retreat for a very long time. I was told that I could get a free retreat, but I just feel really akward going on one where I work. I am not sure how restful it could be, but today I was assured that it could be just what I need right now.
I am just so excited to be feeling well and energized!
I had some times today that I really struggled with why I am having to wait so long to have a baby! I have never doubted that God could move mountains and knit a child in my womb (with J and I helping, of course). I just really struggle as to why he hasn't done it yet! Even as I write these words, I know I am being premature in feeling this way. My reproductive system has just been given total transformation, so I am basically just beginning this journey.
I realized that there was a great fear just below the surface and I needed to face it honestly.
When I honestly revealed it to God in spoken word and not just in my thoughts, the worries and fears seem so out of place in my vision of the Good God that I know, love and serve.
I hope that this momentum continues and that I allow God to continue to lead me on this journey of freedom in surrendering to his will.

Great Date Night

Okay, so I am a little cheesy right now, but I just want to post that I had the best date night with my sweet husband this evening! Well, the night started off a little funny since we were trying to make to a gas station before the little gas light came on. We live at least 9 miles from the nearst gas station, so it was no small feat. Then we went to dinner at Pat's of Henderson it is a nice seaford restaurant and there is little non-candle flame things on the table, but it satisfied me. I got my candlelight and my husband's attention all to myself. We discussed so serious topics and managed to listen to each other with open minds! Once again, no small feat. I told him about my serious desire to put ourselves out there for adoption and he really thinks we are putting the cart ahead of the horse. He wants to give Dr. Hilgers some time to help us make the most of the gift of a natural conception. The important thing that he mentioned was that we have time to start that process. I just needed to know that the possibility is there. I keep thinking that there could be a child out there that is meant for us and if we do not get started now, we won't be in the right place when that miracle comes along. I am sure this doesn't make any sense, but I really feel this way! It is almost like I feel more peace and assurance with adoption, but that may not be where God is calling us too. It is easier for me to believe that God would answer my prayers for adoption before answering our prayer for conception. What is wrong with me??? Maybe that is why I am being so encouraged to keep trying to conceive . . . because it will be for God's glory and not my own. My dear friend, Sr. Evelyn, told me Wednesday that she is praying for me and J every morning! I don't think it is about my prayers anymore, it is about the body of Christ that is lifting us up in prayer! When I finally do get pregnant, there will be great rejoicing and affirmation for so many! I can only be the instrument that he wishes to use!
Well, anyway, J and I had a great date night and then we had fun just going to Petco and Target. We picked up a cd of Brooks and Dunn. I don't listen to country alot, but I like them and J got me tickets to their concert for my birthday. We listened to the cd on the way home and are so excited about the concert. It is the night before Valentine's Day, so it will be a great way to start a fun weekend!

Starting fresh

Well, last night I finally got some signs that my cycle was ending and a new one would be starting very soon. While I wanted to kick and scream, whine, and just feel sorry for myself. . . I resorted to just whining! My husband was so kind and allowed me to just fuss it out and when I went to bed, I was able to finally sleep. I slept for nearly 11 hours. I started on my housework last night, so there is not much to do today! I started my Pontsel. It really helps ease the pain of the cramps. I know, I am probably just being wimpy, but I like to be able to function when a new cycle starts.
The nurse was right, I checked the dates on my chart and I did have a double peak and my period started 12 days after my peak. I guess this is what it should do. I really want to learn more now that I am having more functional cycles. The only thing I could think of was that at least, we can start fresh. For a few days there, I was fearful that all of the work of the surgeries had failed and my body was reverting back to it's old ways. It took a great amount of willpower to force those thoughts away. It is at this time every month that I get a little frustrated that my husband is not more open about adoption. It is just so hard, but I keep believing that God must be leading him to follow this way for a particular reason. As long as he is being led by God, I am at peace. I just think your heart can be open and big enough for both. I will continue to let God minister to him, if I try to, it just comes across as nagging.
So anyway, I get to start a new line on my charts, I get to use some red stickers, and hopefully I will soon be using some white baby stickers soon and then be bombarded with only green stickers! Hoping for the best! I am really believing that God has so much fun seeing me get so excited to his gifts. I am so blessed with a great husband, family, church, neighbors, friends, home, and job! I am going to focus on the positive. I guess, I won't be having a Sept baby this year, but an Oct., Nov., or Dec. one would be just as great!

Full Day

I am just writing to give a little update. I sent a note by fax today to the nurses at the PPVI explaining my concerns and I asked them to just leave me a message since I would have to be away from my phone for the funeral. Well, the nurse called me back and the info she shared had me very confused. I charted that my peak day for this cycle was on 12/24. I, then had green baby stamps for the P+1, P+2, and P+3. On P+3, I started my hcg injections and contiued them on P+5, 7, & 9. Well, immediately the next morning after the first shot, I had very fertile mucus for that day. Next day, green. Did next shot and immediately got fertile mucus that evening. Keep in mind that when I first talked to the nurse at PPVI, she told me that this could sometimes happen with the hcg injections. I did not worry about it and charted it just for what it was. No worries. Well, now the nurse (my favorite one there and the easiest one to understand) is telling me that the possible reason my progesterone was so low on the p+7 draw was because it appears that I may have had a double peak this cycle and consequently, possibly did the shots and blood draw on the wrong day. I really don't know what to think right now! It is not bad news in the end, it just could possibly mean that I messed up caring for myself this cycle. I am still hopeful and not really down about it, just a little frustrated with myself for not being totally in sync with my body and knowing what it is doing. If this nurse is correct, I am only nine days post peak and at a very awkward place. I can't do any shots, bc my timing is past and I can't do a P+7 draw bc the timing is off! What is a girl to do??? It can only get better from here! I am claiming it. My husband and I are still very much in denial and thinking that we judged the p day correctly and we could have possibly been blessed with new life. In many ways, this time has been filled with new life! New hope! New dreams! I keep wondering what my reaction will be when I am finally lucky enough to be shocked with a positive pregnancy test! I envisioned how we will celebrate, share the news, and prepare for a baby! This has been a very good time for me and too think, I am only assuming I am a few days late. God is going to have a grand time laughing at me we are blessed with our babies. I am going on so much.
I will end on a very happy note by saying that I was so blessed today! I have been praying for the intercession of prayers to St. Therese and today, I was given a beautiful lavender rose (in full bloom) and thought "Wow, my prayers are being heard. Thank you for this small affirmation." But then I looked around and I was surrounded by beautiful flowers of all kinds! Talk about affirmation!
Thanks for all of your encouraging words, especially the ones that let me know that you all are praying for me no matter what the outcome will be! Sometimes, I think that the fact that I have been on this journey for so long might discourage some of you, but I am reminded that we have just really begun. We are just now really getting the chance to be fertile!

Good News & Not as good news!

Ok! First of all my cd 1 has not yet made an uninvited appearance! This is a really fun place to be, but also miserable at the same time. I am so very hopeful right now and in the deep recesses of my heart I know that my hope has a purpose and will not disappoint me. This time of hope has something to teach me! I have allowed myself to be hopeful and this is a vulnerable place to be at the moment. I am having some mild cramping and I believe that whatever path I am on, my body is getting better.
Now for the good news. I got my P+7 blood work results today and the nurse reported that my estradial is at a good level and that my ratio is great! My progesterone is low - very low! I was on my way to the funeral home and got the call and even though she had great news to share with me, I could not stop my heart and mind from freaking out becasue of the low progesterone. I just kept thinking that if I was indeed pregnant at the moment, the progesterone is not there to support the pregnancy! My husband told me to think about the fact that two out of three are not bad. I just kept telling myself to focus on the positive! Focus!!! I really trust my doctor and know that he will do his best to care for me and any new life that may grow within in my womb one day (soon)! After continuing to give myself this pep talk, I am actually feeling better. God has a plan in all of this!

If there is anyone out there who can tell me what the ratio could possibly mean, please let me know! I did not ask the nurse because I was too freaked out by the progesterone number and the fact that I was one block away from the funeral home and I was not emotionally stable at the time :(

In better spirits, but

my husband says that the eyes I give him are a whole other story! HA HA

I returned to work today after being off since 12/23. It was so hectic! I honestly made it by the seat of my pants. We have these great big sewing groups that come to the center on the week days and they bring all of their tools of the trade and they are so excited to be there to visit with their friends, be in a private place, and get to do the hobby they love the most - SEW! Most of the groups are quilters, so it is so much fun to see all of their beatiful work before they end their sewing retreat.
I am so glad to finally be home! We are expecting my in-laws over for a quick visit soon. So I am just making a quick post. At work today, I found out that one of the young girls who work in the housekeeping part time is four months pregnant and only she and her family know about the pregnancy. She is not getting the best prenatal care, but at least she is in a loving relationship with the baby's father. She is not married and has no medical insurance. She got into a car accident today and was very worried about the health of the baby. The hospital checked her out, but she is still concerned. I am praying for her bc I think she will be a great mother. I am so glad I am not jealous of her, I really believe that my time will come. She has a rough road ahead of her, but she is a great person and her family will do all they can to help her out. At this point there is still no sign of cd 1 appearing other than it being time. After I posted yesterday, I experienced so mild cramping, but it passed. I was really ready for it to greet me today and I tried to brace myself for it. Right now, I am getting very hopeful. I am also waiting to find out the results from my recent blood draw that was done on P+7. I don't know if the nurses will tell me when I call to do my next cycle review. I guess I will just take it as it comes and hope for the best. I serve a might God and he will bless this road I am on!
Dearest Abba,
Be with me today in all my hopes and dreams. Be with me in all my sorrows and sadness. Bring new life to me and fill both my womb and my heart! Amen.

Praying for all of you who are on this journey right along side of me :)

Mini-breakdown!

I had a mini-breakdown with my husband today and even when I was agruing with him, I quickly told him that I am not saying all of this because of PMS so don't even try to blame it on that!!! I did not use unkind words, but I simply told him how I felt about a particular sore subject for me. We made up very quickly, but the discussion was necessary. I really believe that he understood where I was coming from and that was a tremendous relief. The problem is I typically get very irritable right before cd 1 makes the grand entrance and I don't really want it make it's appearance, so that makes me a little angry too. I am not angry as I write this, I am just sort of not feeling anything. I have no physical indications that cd 1 is near, so I am wondering if the hcg injections are behind this new change? I really don't want to have cd 1 show up in the next few days and give my husband the excuse to say that my breakdown was just my hormones. It was a big issue that will affect our futures and although today may not have been the best time to share my concerns about it, it is better now than just putting it off. Good thing we are both pretty good about not letting issues go unresolved for very long. Regardless as to why I chose today to bring up those issues, I know that God needed me to share them with DH so that it is not something that will fester. Lately when we disagree and really talk it out and listen to one another very well, we are growing so much! Neither one of us likes confrontation, but sometimes it is necessary and I can see God really working in us in making our marriage stronger. We had a very dear priest who officiated for our wedding 8 1/2 years ago and in the homily he mentioned that his parent's just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversay and on that occassion, he asked them what is the secret to a happy marriage - to making to 50 years? His mom's response was "Forgive, forgive, forgive." His dad's response was "Whatever she said!" We still laugh about that today.
Dearest Abba,
Bless us where we are and prepare us to get to where you want us to be. Amen.

Not much happening here in the south!

Just a quick update. My week and weekend have been very full since New Year's Day. We have been having kids at our home and I can see why God usually starts out the process of parenting with a cute and mostly sleepy baby. We had a great time and the kids were great, but I have just been trying to get over a sore throat and some recurrent sinus issues and have just been generally tired. I am trying to suck every bit of relaxation out of my time left before I have to return to work :)
Well, once the last little one went home with his mom, my husband and I decided to go to the movies and we got to see Marley and Me. It was good. I cried at several parts of the movie. Two years ago we lost our cat, Angel, and I had her since before I got married. It was a very sad time in our lives and sometimes when you are already dealing with so much suffering and striving for new life, dealing with death is so much harder. I did not really intend to talk about this, but there it is. Well, since I am speaking of death and sad things, my great-grandmother passed on yesterday. I was not very close to her, but I was still sad to know she is no longer here with us. I do know that she was very eager to have some great-great-grandkids. That did not happen yet, but I am glad she desired it so much for us. She will be missed.
I am on cd 27 and I am not having my typical premenstrual symptoms and not any other symptoms to speak of at this time. I don't really know what to expect with this cycle just yet, since this is the first time we have done the hcg injections. At least I am done with them for this cycle. I will be okay to get my period or to get a positive pregnancy test. I am really just expecting my period to start soon. I guess we will find out soon enough.

What a way to start the new year!

Today was a very full day! It started at midnight when we watched the ball drop and then I gave my husband his birthday presents. He was happy and then we quickly headed to bed. We went to mass and were blessed with knowing that Jesus met us there. We then went to my in-laws for the New Year's Dinner and it was great. My MIL and FIL outdid themselves on the great dinner. I had a difficult time keeping kind words coming out of my mouth and openly faild to act in a christian manner.
After that, we headed home to get the house ready for some friends and their little ones to come over. We were also having one of my younger cousins over to stay the night to go hunting w/ my husband the next morning. We had a great afternoon and evening. DH and my friend's husband helped the kiddo's pop fireworks and we played and visited for a long while. They helped us sing "Happy Birthday" to DH and I made him make a wish! The day couldn't have been better.
I hope and pray that God blesses us all in 2009 with great faith, good friends, and ever-growing families ;)