Ugly Tears

Today was just not the best day I had in a long time.

I got some disappointing news yesterday about my file for unemployment and today I was determined to fix it. I thought I just messed up something on the online-registration.

Wrong!

After waiting for 75 minutes (yes, 75 - remember I live in LA where a huge amount of people have lost their jobs because of the crazy oil spill) to speak to a real live person, I am told that the reason benefits are unavailable for me is because I basically worked for a non-profit church (a diocese) and they never had to report our wages to Unemployment and they never had to pay unemployment insurance. I quickly turned around and called the HR dept. at the diocese and asked if this was true and they said "yes." I quickly said, why don't they tell all new hires this so that in the event something terrible happens (like what happened to me) they are fully buying into all of the 'costs' of working for the church. They said it is supposed to be told to all new hires, but that was not told to me and she said they would review the manuel to see if it is clearly stated there. I threw away my manuel, but I distinctly do not remember it in there. I knew that stuff backward and foward. They said I could speak to the chancellor, but at that point I had already had ugly tears streaming down my face that I could not bare to speak to another soul at that moment.

Many ugly tears later, where the cats are just staring at me, I call my Spiritual Director to tell her of the latest thorn and try to arrange another SD appt. I am drowning in self-pity by this time. When I call her and explain the situation, she is appalled. Utterly suprised and then again not suprised. Add to this the fact that a friend of my (a distant, but FB friend, etc) sent me a message this week that she stopped by the office that I worked in while she was on retreat and asked about where I was and they told her that I quit because I was pregnant and that since I had a history of m/c, I quit work to take care of myself. So in her message of "congratulations" on your pregnancy, she intuitively asked if that was the real reason I was not there anymore because it just did not add up. So I cleared it all up for her and told her the truth. Not in a gossipy way, just that I did not leave on my choice. Later in the week, the lady who told this friend this, the one I had been helping out ALOT, called me to chat and I clearly told her in no uncertain terms that they need to either tell people the truth about my departure or say NOTHING. She was suprised and denied ever saying this. Oh, well, I have the documentation in my inbox.

The ugly tears were not from the disappointment of just losing out on unemployment benefits, but just the whole manner in which I have not been cared for by the church, the Pro-life, lets be supportive in all circumstances church. I gave and gave and then gave some more, even after I left, I helped with their transition and this is what I get, nothing but shame.

In all honesty, I am not afraid to work, I just can only seem to find jobs that are for full-time and I really wanted to try to do just p/t work right now. I don't do well when I push myself too much and I can't see someone wanting to hire an high-risk pregnant lady who will need maternity leave in about 4 months. I could understand all of this actions if I had done something wrong, but I did nothing wrong. In the letter letting me know that I was losing my job - the only reason stated was "The vision changed . . . and your services are no longer needed." So needless to say, I worked there for three years, for a tiny wage and terrible work environment trying to build the body of Christ and here I am. I have nothing to show for it. I feel so beaten down.

My plan for tomorrow is to go to some temp agencies and apply. I have a good reputation and good work ethic. God will provide for all of my needs, I know it. Yesterday, I looked up at my battered Jesus on the Cross and told him I would love him, follow him at all costs. I meant it. I will not leave the church because of this tremendous pain. No matter where I would go, it would all be the same anyway. I will place my trust in God, not man.

Oh, and one last tidbit of my misery these past two weeks has been going to Mass. Last week, the priest asked me (in front of others) why I was not at my job anymore and I explained that I was let go, he then asked why, how long of a notice did they give you, etc. I cried the whole way home and then yesterday as I was preparing to walk down the aisle with the Gospels in hand for the procession - he leans over to me and asks "So, you're still unemployed?" Really, I think he is needing some social skills training. He is a good priest and falls in line of the priesthood of Christ, but the coldness of his manners STING. I pray for him and then next time he asks me "WHY" I plan to tell him to call the Bishop, I am sure he can explain things to you, but I am unsure myself.

I love my life, I love my faith, and I love the Church! I am not saying all of the above to be ugly, I am just aware that even people in the Church sometimes hurt the littlest birds of the sky not fully aware of their actions.

God, have mercy on me.