I am sitting in the doctor's office yesterday and I realized I had to write this post.
The truth of the matter is I am no good at being a happy, pregnant mom! I panic over the smallest things and freak out of the slightest little sliver of pain because of my great fear. I do have my moments of utter joy and celebration, don't get me wrong :)
I don't know how to be pregnant. I don't know how to fit in with all of the pregnant women/happy mothers right now. I can fake my way through it sometimes, but sometimes I just feel so vulnerable. Just the other day, when a friend and I were walking, her other friend joined (this is one phenomenal lady, by the way) us and my friend told her I was pregnant. The newcomer leaped for joy - I mean jumping up and down full of pure excitement at the glory of God!!! She had just given birth to her second child recently and is just so thrilled by everyone who loves babies as much as she does. I loved, loved her reaction and it was the absolute best one that I have witnessed on the mention of this child's existence, but I still felt a bit uncomfortable. Then my dear friend told her my story . . . I had never heard someone tell my story to someone so that they will acknowledge the other two babies that are in the presence of God. She even told her "She had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy last year, she almost died." Now that right there puts everything into perspective.
I sometimes forget how blessed I am to even be alive right now - how incredibly blessed I am to be carrying a new life in my womb (where a baby is meant to grow). I stand in awe of God's mercies daily!!!
So back to my honest feelings - I don't know how to adequately gauge if all of the pregnancy symptoms I feel are just normal, regular pregnant things.
My most clear issue is that I get cramping (mild stomach discomfort) and it worries me and every single time so far, it has to do with my bowels. I don't remember any friend of mine telling me that alot of the discomfort I will feel will be due to bowel issues!! It is strange. I try not to share everything with my husband, but he does know about this!!! I also mostly have pulling pain (stretching) on my left side. I can only imagine that it is related to scar tissue from the removal of my left tube. It really is not so bad and for someone who had never experienced a loss of a pregnancy or IF they probably would never notice it.
I do get a little shook up at times because it just seems like I am living another life. Last night, I just looked at my belly and wondered "How is there really a little, precious baby in there???" It boggles my mind. I just keep telling myself that once I have a successful pregnancy, the next one (God willing) will not be so difficult because I will have a good experience as my memory. On a funny note, one day when I was especially worried my husband told me "I think this will be our only child, this is too much drama!!" I have tried to tone it down from that point on, but I still worry.
I also get worn out easily. I have so much in my mind that I want to accomplish, but once I get started, I poop out quickly. Today's job is to take all of the books from the room that will be the nursery and put them on a small bookcase in our bedroom. I am repurposing all kinds of furniture in our home :) Gotta make it work somehow and we have a small house so we can't just keep adding things!! I found a small narrow 3 shelf bookcase that is in our bathroom and will use it for the books. I will take the short bookcase that currently holds all the books and use that at the bootom of the closet in the nursery to have a place to store shoes, baskets for odd and end things, etc. We have some great baskets that I got at Lo.we's a long time ago - so I am REPURPOSING those!!! I feel empowered making use of all the things we currently have on hand.
We really don't need alot for the baby: a crib, dresser (one that we will use to double as a changer and my fil will probably build that for us once we get the wood), carseat/stroller, baby swing (I really want this), a space saver high chair, bathtub, and the rest of the essentials. Does that sound like a lot? Of course we will need more clothes, burp clothes, etc, but those are the favorite things people like to buy for a new baby ;) At least I know I do!!!
I already have a good selection of 0-3 year old toys, a few good sets of clothes (thank God we have friends who are willing to share), a old time baby walker, boppy, a few good baby videos (Praise Baby), etc.
A friend asked me what kinds of things do you want at your shower? I laughed and said diapers and wipes :) hahahahahaha!!! People are so generous and kind, we are so thankful!!!
I am not sure if I will want to use the bumper, crib skirt I picked out! I have time to decide :) It could really work if I find the right accessories for the room.
Ok, I am feeling better!!! Talking about preparing for the baby makes me so much happier. Two nights ago, I washed all of the baby clothes from the garages sales and put them in drawers. I got to use the Dreft we bought (that stuff smells so good). I did not divide everything up by size yet. The funniest thing is that we have more than a few little baby caps!!! They are so cute and just make me long for that newborn babe even more.
Blessings to you all, I pray for you daily and please know how thankful we are for your continued prayers and support!!
oh, my goodness, I had those same cramps you are taking about. They HURT! What I discovered, though, is that they do go away with your next baby if you start working out after giving birth to tone up.
ReplyDeleteIf you were to ask me personally what one item I would not be able to go without I would say miracle blanket! definitely worth the 30$!!!
This is a wonderful and miraculous event! Happy day there is a baby coming! :)
ReplyDeleteI agree that diapers and wipes are the BEST gift!! Also, please know that those types of symptoms seem totally normal to me. It truly is a miracle that you are alive and that your baby is thriving! I can only imagine how many worries come with this pregnancy, though...
ReplyDeleteI agree with Olya about the miracle blanket, of course, and I was just going to ask you to email me your address so that can be one thing off your list! :)
it is true you can get by with a lot less baby things then they make you think you need! a crib skirt is nice, but when you lower the crib you can't see it. a bumper is nice, but they can be a hazard until they are older and then they stand on them to try to get a leg over! I never bought the quilt to the set b/c I knew it would be more for decoration. A few crib sheets (and blankets come in droves-they seem to be a favorite people buy) and some nice curtains will suffice. A changing pad and cover will save you back and babies that are older then to not try to bail when you change their diaper if they are up higher. A monitor is useful if you need one to hear. I, for one, love to hear every breath-lol, good for the worrier. I use our cd player all the time in his room with a cd white noise (maternal heartbeat when he was young, now rain). I also darken the room with towels and clothes pins. Board books make an awesome gift and they can add up if they are new! Are miracle blankets like the kind that velcro for swaddling? Those are awesome! we bought sleep sacks that came with swaddle too and baby was very snug!
ReplyDeleteoh and those wall stick on decals by the changing table can be great too! charlie learned animal sounds and now he is learning colors with a stoplight and cars in his big boy room. Easy to apply and they don't know they can be easily removed!
ReplyDeleteWB, the Miracle Blanket doesn't have the velcro like some swaddles do. It's sort of the creme de la creme of the swaddle. Check it out at www.miracleblanket.com. I sound like a walking commercial, but I cannot live without it. It is that good.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any advice for what you need, but I can definitely understand your fears since you had such a traumatic loss only a little over a year ago. I'm glad to hear that getting ready for Little Bit makes you feel better.
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