On my mind

I have found lately that I am completely focused on the fact that despite all of the problems with fertility and my constant striving to be hopeful that we would one day make it to this moment in time - happily expecting a baby.

I have not been modest in my pure joy of this pregnancy on this blog, but I have been extremely modest in sharing my joy and excitement with those around me. My dear, sweet husband gets a bit overwhelmed beacause I am completely a chatterbox with him about this pregnancy (both exciting things and my irrational worries). Still, even with my family, I am quite timid talking about our baby. I told my husband this weekend that I have sensed that I am shutting down a bit in some conversations with some friends and family when they show excitment about the baby and go on and on with questions, I told him I am just still waiting to know that all will be okay, that this pregnancy will end up with a baby for all of them to meet here on earth. This feels like such a lack of faith in what God is doing in our lives, for the world right now. It is worse with my mom, my aunts, my mother in law, etc. I guess because I am so worried that this joy can be pulled out from under us in the blink of an eye. I have to stop worrying, I have to stop being so cautious . . . . I have HAVE TO be more trusting of God's will in my life, my marriage, for my family, and for the life of this beautiful life I am carrying within my womb.

That all being said, I have to say that I hope no one that reads this blog finds it difficult to travel with us on this journey because of the constant chattering on about this pregnancy. I think that just as I did with discussing my IF and losses here on this blog, I feel free to express my joy and worries about this new life that I am praying for with my whole being.

In the past few days, I have had the opportunity to really help offer some support to two families who had a family member who just suffered through ruptured ectopic pregnancies. I almost feel like this is my calling in life, to reach out to families trying to grow their families, families in grief dealing with the loss of a precious child, and familes just lost in trying to figure out which direction to go when there seems no way anymore. It was so hard to hear of two of our friends having to suffer so deeply with the loss of a child, much less a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and then an emergency surgery - it was devasting. I would have rather that I was the only person in the whole world who had to go through that. My husband took it as hard as I did. This sweet young woman had lost her mother two years ago and then lost her baby right around Mother's Day this year - just tragic. They have been trying for over three years. Please join me in prayer for this family. I just wish that I could absorb their suffering. Poor thing, they wondered when the pain from the surgery, etc would go away and I had to tell them it took about 4-5 weeks for the pain to subside for me to move around more freely without much pain.

I have another u/s and doctor's appointment on June 1st. I continue to have nausea, fatigue, and mood swings :) We had a very busy weekend, I was worn out. We went to a great graduation party for our friends daughter yesterday, but gosh it was HOT. We were outside for nearly 7 hours - just put a fork in me, I was done. We ended up sleeping late and having to go to mass about 1/2 hour away with the Bishop. It was a blessing. I love receiving Jesus, it is what gets me through.

My husband took me to see "Backup Plan" this weekend, NUTS! Some truths, though!

God, please help me to trust you and know that all things, all people that I love are in your care. Amen.