Changes

I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that there is a living, beautiful baby taking shape within my womb.   I keep worrying about this precious daughter or son of ours and I am so full of hope for their future and for the future of our family.  All of the new experiences to be lived, all the new dreams to be dreamt, all of the hands to hold, all of the noses to wipe, all of the poo to clean off of soft tushies, all of the waking in the middle of the night JUST to make sure they are breathing.  All of it, all of the mystery of life and love that is happening at this moment in time simply because we offered our lives to be used for God's will and hoped for new life.   I know that parenthood will not be a cake walk, even a messy on at that.  It will be hard, I know I will be brought to tears with not knowing how to meet the needs of my child or even my husband once my world changes, but I do know that I will be blessed to be crying in those moments.  I know my weaknesses and I know my husband's weaknesses, but I also know that the strength of the Lord is OURS.  God will be faithful in helping us to grow into our roles as parents.  I already am so thankful for the children God has called home to himself, so I already feel like a Mommy to those dear ones and wait to meet them and embrace them with love so pure.  Yet, this will be my first time to be Mommy to a little one still in the flesh with us.    Up until yesterday, my mind was still in shock, a happy euphoric shock that there is a living baby growing and preparing to enter our world and be welcomed by us.  Yet, today, I feel such an urgency to get off of the shocked bandwagon and start acting like Little Bit's Mommy.  I already have, but something in me shifted yesterday during my scare.  I have decided that I do not want to spend the next seven months with my breath held, I want to live out this journey as I presume Mary lived out her pregnancy with Jesus.  I want to be courageous like she was – fully trusting God although having no idea where her journey was leading her and her beloved, Joseph.   Earlier in my pregnancy, I made the comment and had come to believe that God wants this baby HERE with us.  I believe that He wants this baby to be raised and help build up His kingdom in only the way God has designed them to do so.   The road will be long, it will likely be filled with many adventures, but I am trusting that God is leading the way.   I don't know how to read my body anymore and then again I want to STOP reading all of my body clues to give my mind and heart a much needed break!  The joy I feel right now is powerful.  I am going to cling to that.  I am going to trust God, trust the good feelings my husband has about this baby staying for the long haul.   One day, many years ago, I was driving home from another hopeless doctor's appointment with my local ob/gyn.  Every year I went there with hopes, but this day I realized that I would not get the help I was needing to make my dreams a reality from this doctor and I did not know where to go.  I cried the whole way home.  It is a ½ hour drive on rural country roads that are either filled with growing rice or cows and their precious calves.  I remember having feelings of jealousy of the dear cows as they little calves nursed from their bulging udders.  I remember that I was going home to welcome some friends and their two girls for a visit.  By the time I got home, I was smiling.  Where that strength came from I don't know, but God gets the glory.  The thoughts of that day still seem so significant to me, I remember just thinking that God allows life even in these cows, but why not allow new, fruitful life in our own family.  Everyday, I am passing cows and their baby calves.  The memories remain with me, while I will never understand why those times of darkness were so necessary, I DO KNOW THAT THEY WERE NECESSARY.  God has led us on a journey that has allowed even more love to grow, not only our love for each other, but great love for the whole world and all of the suffering souls.    Praying that this turn in the road is all that I am dreaming and hoping it will be. "I set before you life & death, blessings and curses; CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children will live!"  Deuteronomy 30:19