The Visitation of the Blessed Virgin Mary

Feast of the Visitation of the Blessed Virgin Mary

Reading 1

Zep 3:14-18a or Rom 12:9-16

Zep 3:14-18a

Shout for joy, O daughter Zion!

Sing joyfully, O Israel!

Be glad and exult with all your heart,

O daughter Jerusalem!

The LORD has removed the judgment against you,

he has turned away your enemies;

The King of Israel, the LORD, is in your midst,

you have no further misfortune to fear.

On that day, it shall be said to Jerusalem:

Fear not, O Zion, be not discouraged!

The LORD, your God, is in your midst,

a mighty savior;

He will rejoice over you with gladness,

and renew you in his love,

He will sing joyfully because of you,

as one sings at festivals.

or

Rom 12:9-16

Brothers and sisters:

Let love be sincere;

hate what is evil,

hold on to what is good;

love one another with mutual affection;

anticipate one another in showing honor.

Do not grow slack in zeal,

be fervent in spirit,

serve the Lord.

Rejoice in hope,

endure in affliction,

persevere in prayer.

Contribute to the needs of the holy ones,

exercise hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you,

bless and do not curse them.

Rejoice with those who rejoice,

weep with those who weep.

Have the same regard for one another;

do not be haughty but associate with the lowly;

do not be wise in your own estimation.

Isaiah 12:2-3, 4bcd, 5-6
R. (6) Among you is the great and Holy One of Israel.

God indeed is my savior;

I am confident and unafraid.

My strength and my courage is the LORD,

and he has been my savior.

With joy you will draw water

at the fountain of salvation.

R. Among you is the great and Holy One of Israel.

Give thanks to the LORD, acclaim his name;

among the nations make known his deeds,

proclaim how exalted is his name.

R. Among you is the great and Holy One of Israel.

Sing praise to the LORD for his glorious achievement;

let this be known throughout all the earth.

Shout with exultation, O city of Zion,

for great in your midst

is the Holy One of Israel!

R. Among you is the great and Holy One of Israel.


Lk 1:39-56Gospel
Mary set out

and traveled to the hill country in haste

to a town of Judah,

where she entered the house of Zechariah

and greeted Elizabeth.

When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting,

the infant leaped in her womb,

and Elizabeth, filled with the Holy Spirit,

cried out in a loud voice and said,

“Most blessed are you among women,

and blessed is the fruit of your womb.

And how does this happen to me,

that the mother of my Lord should come to me?

For at the moment the sound of your greeting reached my ears,

the infant in my womb leaped for joy.

Blessed are you who believed

that what was spoken to you by the Lord

would be fulfilled.”

And Mary said:

“My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord;

my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,

for he has looked with favor on his lowly servant.

From this day all generations will call me blessed:

the Almighty has done great things for me,

and holy is his Name.

He has mercy on those who fear him

in every generation.

He has shown the strength of his arm,

he has scattered the proud in their conceit.

He has cast down the mighty from their thrones,

and has lifted up the lowly.

He has filled the hungry with good things,

and the rich he has sent away empty.

He has come to the help of his servant Israel

for he has remembered his promise of mercy,

the promise he made to our fathers,

to Abraham and his children for ever.”

Mary remained with her about three months

and then returned to her home.
________________________________________

This following paragraph is the first thing I read this morning and it settled my heart.
"The Image of Mary and Elizabeth embracing seems an especially fitting one for the Church these days. No doubt these two very human women had their separate reasons to be afraid and weary as they faced the realities of pregnancy, but together they found joy and courage. At the root of this joy was the presence of Jesus, communicated by the Holy Spirit and recognized even by the baby Elizabeth was carrying. But the two expectant mothers needed each other's support to go foward in faith, hope, and love."

The last line just touched my heart to the core, this is the very essence of this blogging community. We are all expectant mothers - we are all expecting God to fulfill our dreams of motherhood.

The meditation went on to say "Fear and discouragement seem to thrive when we are isolated. Togetherness certainly has its own difficulties at times, but alone we are stuck within the limits of what we can know and see and feel. With the mutual affirmations and shared faith of the Body of Christ, our horizons widen." This meditation was found in Living Faith (Mark Neilsen was the author of this meditation).

I have been so amazed at God's goodness at sending me the support I need at just the right time. I have been struggling a bit. I felt pretty lousy this weekend, starting friday afternoon. I still had some b, only little. My stomach just felt odd. Today has been so much better. Praise God. I have a pretty good amount of anxiety for tomorrow's u/s and ob appointment.

I have to mention that I was trying to figure out a better way to bond with this sweet baby and finally I figured out the way that works for us ;) I used to sing, but last night I began telling the baby stories of us and all of our family. It was such a blessing. I really felt connected. It is working for us!!!

One last note, I was able to get some fresh shrimp and homemade onion rings today! I had to seriously limit my shrimp intake, but it was delicious! It has been so much fun spending the last three days with my husband and not having a schedule. We have slept in every morning (I know this will be in short supply in the near future)and we took naps!!! Who knew we needed so much rest.

May you all have a day of blessing today!

10

Ten Random Things   1)                   I am drinking about 80 oz of water a day!!!  My goal is to stay hydrated.  When the spotting showed up on Tuesday, the nurse reminded me to drink lots of fluid and I told her I was doing that.  Yet on Saturday, I drank 1 ½ cokes and did not get enough water, maybe it just took that long to catch up with me, I don't know.  I asked her why drinking so many fluids was essential and she told me that when you are pregnant and get dehydrated, you can begin to have contractions and start spotting or bleeding.  Did anyone else know this?  Now, I am committed to drinking water until my eyeballs are floating. 2)                   Riding in the care makes me sick sometimes.  I have been on my husband's case lately when I ride with him because I get to nauseated riding with him on a ride longer than 10 minutes ;)  He has not responded well to this.  Yet, I still keep telling him!!!  On Sunday on our way to church, I was so sick from not eating before going to Mass, that on the way he stopped at Wendy's to let me use the bathroom (desperately needed, hahaha) and he bought me a 5 piece nugget and demanded that I eat so I wouldn't be sick in church.  It was a really long confirmation mass with the Bishop so I think there was enough time for my stomach to be ready to receive Jesus.  So, the kicker to the whole reason I am writing this one about the driving is because yesterday – my own driving made me nauseated (BAD)  and it was especially worse on big, wide curves!!!  So I get home and tell him this and you would have thought he had just won the lottery because he was so happy it wasn't just his driving – hahaha.   I had been telling him he is a bad, bad driver and in all honesty he is the safest driver I know and has not ever got a single ticket or wreck! 3)                   I am feeling so much better on the extra progesterone support!!!  I have been so lazy, tired, and downright yucky for the past three days prior to starting the extra meds.  My husband was literally doing almost everything around the house, even watering my poor flowers.  Yesterday, I felt like a new woman!!!  I got home and he was mowing the yard and weedeating so I went in stripped the bed, washed the sheets, made some cookies, paid the bills, and then cooked supper.  Maybe he really did feel like he won the lottery J    Later, when the sheets were dry, I was going to make the bed and he asked if I needed help and I told him no, I think he was surprised!!!  I know this sounds so trivial, but I was barely able to go to work and come home just a few days ago and then I was feeling like I was back to my old self.  I wanted to do so much more, but I did not want to overdue myself.  Praise God, the headaches are not present right now.  My only complaint about the extra progesterone support is the fact that my dreams are downright weird and the ones on Wednesday night were very scary.  Does anyone else have these kind of dreams, I was having the other kind when I was first pregnant? 4)                   It is so hot in LA and I am so tired of hearing about the doggone oil spill.  It is tearing up the land that I love and ruining the livelihood of so many of my fellow residents.  The oil is killing our wildlife and I cannot understand why it has not been stopped and cleaned up.  I am praying that God will redeem this and all of the suffering that we are likely to endure for the next few decades.  This is changing the way of life for so many of my fellow residents and even my family.  This is a terrible tragedy – not only because it messes up the beaches but because it is KILLING our wildlife.  It is like a poison that cannot be controlled.  5)                   Work had been going pretty decent for the two weeks, but yesterday and today – the switch was turned.  It was unreal, downright hard to understand.  It wasn't just me that felt the change of the tide, it was felt by EVERYONE!!!  It is the weirdest thing and I can't put my finger on the cause.  I really suspect some emotional dysfunctions.   It is a really hard place to be.  My mom has dealt with anxiety and depression issues almost her whole adult life, but she get the help she needs.  She receives counseling, medication management, etc.  She knows that she can be irritable and we know it too, so we are prepared.  Heck I am irritable, but at least I take responsibility for my feelings!!  6)                   I have recently had a huge salamander in my office – HUGE!!!  It was slimy, fat, and FAST .  We could not get it out.  I work in a large building and it would go from room to room and hide.  Yet, it would always find its way back under my huge credenza.  Well, Wednesday was a happy day, because he finally made his way out the door!!  We had all tried to chase him, corral him into getting out the door, but I guess he wanted to do it himself. 7)                   The bassinet I ordered could not be delivered to my post office box and could not be delivered to our physical address.  This is not the first time this has happened.  It was so frustrated, but we were able to send it to my Mom's address.  I told her they must think we live in a houseboat or something.  So now she is calling me her river rat J  Can you believe that?  UPS and FEDEX all deliver out there, I don't get it. 8)                   Ok, I am running out of things to talk about.  We are planning to have a quiet, restful weekend and I have been craving some fresh shrimp!  Thanks to the oil spill, shrimping season is closed.  My in-laws have a lot leftover from last year in their freezer, so I plan to  ask them for enough to feed all of us and we are going to make some shrimp and homemade onion rings this weekend.  My mouth is literally watering right now J 9)                   I told my husband that my tv boyfriend is Ashton Kutcher!!!  What is up with that???  A few months ago at a friends' birthday party, they were all drinking, but I wasn't and the subject came up of which celebrities we thought were cute.  Well, I would not say, I was the only one sober!  But my husband piped in and said "She likes Ashton!"  My friends were like "REALLY?"  I know, but my husband rented Valentine's Day this week and yes, I still think he is cute! 10)               I drive a TrailBlazer.  It was used when we bought for a stupid price and it is still a thorn in my side because we are still paying for it..  Well, last year when my transmission went out, all of the gauges decided not to work.  The only ones that work is the Speedometer and the one to tell my how much fuel I have left.  I was complaining about it the other day and my husband reminded me that at least the two most important things work.  Yes, he is a great husband!!!!   "I set before you life & death, blessings and curses; CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children will live!"  Deuteronomy 30:19

Better Results than expected~~

My progesterone results, that is.  The blood draw I did on Tuesday morning before the u/s showed that my progesterone level that day was 19.2, to my happy suprise :)   I was so pleased, I thought it would have been 10 or even less.  Just goes to show you that I don't know it all, hahaha!   I am feeling better, I am so thankful.  I did get another headache last night and would come off and on it finally went away around 9 am.  I hope this is not a common occurence.  I did look at all the p/w my doctor gave me and it said that Migraine can be caused by an increased level of hormones, I think that goes against what Napro says.    Anyway, I am relieved and I started the compounded oral progesterone capsules last night.  So far so good, too bad compounded meds are so expensive.   Love and prayers to you all!  I thank you all for keeping me in prayer!   We will be in New Orleans next week for a surgery for my father in law.  Pure craziness.  I am glad I still have some time off left.  My husband really needs me to be there and I want to be there.  My FIL will have heart surgery on Wednesday, I do ask for special prayers, if you have time.  We definitely want him to be able to spoil this little grandchild rotten!   "I set before you life & death, blessings and curses; CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children will live!"  Deuteronomy 30:19

Changes

I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that there is a living, beautiful baby taking shape within my womb.   I keep worrying about this precious daughter or son of ours and I am so full of hope for their future and for the future of our family.  All of the new experiences to be lived, all the new dreams to be dreamt, all of the hands to hold, all of the noses to wipe, all of the poo to clean off of soft tushies, all of the waking in the middle of the night JUST to make sure they are breathing.  All of it, all of the mystery of life and love that is happening at this moment in time simply because we offered our lives to be used for God's will and hoped for new life.   I know that parenthood will not be a cake walk, even a messy on at that.  It will be hard, I know I will be brought to tears with not knowing how to meet the needs of my child or even my husband once my world changes, but I do know that I will be blessed to be crying in those moments.  I know my weaknesses and I know my husband's weaknesses, but I also know that the strength of the Lord is OURS.  God will be faithful in helping us to grow into our roles as parents.  I already am so thankful for the children God has called home to himself, so I already feel like a Mommy to those dear ones and wait to meet them and embrace them with love so pure.  Yet, this will be my first time to be Mommy to a little one still in the flesh with us.    Up until yesterday, my mind was still in shock, a happy euphoric shock that there is a living baby growing and preparing to enter our world and be welcomed by us.  Yet, today, I feel such an urgency to get off of the shocked bandwagon and start acting like Little Bit's Mommy.  I already have, but something in me shifted yesterday during my scare.  I have decided that I do not want to spend the next seven months with my breath held, I want to live out this journey as I presume Mary lived out her pregnancy with Jesus.  I want to be courageous like she was – fully trusting God although having no idea where her journey was leading her and her beloved, Joseph.   Earlier in my pregnancy, I made the comment and had come to believe that God wants this baby HERE with us.  I believe that He wants this baby to be raised and help build up His kingdom in only the way God has designed them to do so.   The road will be long, it will likely be filled with many adventures, but I am trusting that God is leading the way.   I don't know how to read my body anymore and then again I want to STOP reading all of my body clues to give my mind and heart a much needed break!  The joy I feel right now is powerful.  I am going to cling to that.  I am going to trust God, trust the good feelings my husband has about this baby staying for the long haul.   One day, many years ago, I was driving home from another hopeless doctor's appointment with my local ob/gyn.  Every year I went there with hopes, but this day I realized that I would not get the help I was needing to make my dreams a reality from this doctor and I did not know where to go.  I cried the whole way home.  It is a ½ hour drive on rural country roads that are either filled with growing rice or cows and their precious calves.  I remember having feelings of jealousy of the dear cows as they little calves nursed from their bulging udders.  I remember that I was going home to welcome some friends and their two girls for a visit.  By the time I got home, I was smiling.  Where that strength came from I don't know, but God gets the glory.  The thoughts of that day still seem so significant to me, I remember just thinking that God allows life even in these cows, but why not allow new, fruitful life in our own family.  Everyday, I am passing cows and their baby calves.  The memories remain with me, while I will never understand why those times of darkness were so necessary, I DO KNOW THAT THEY WERE NECESSARY.  God has led us on a journey that has allowed even more love to grow, not only our love for each other, but great love for the whole world and all of the suffering souls.    Praying that this turn in the road is all that I am dreaming and hoping it will be. "I set before you life & death, blessings and curses; CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children will live!"  Deuteronomy 30:19

Big Scare

Last night I got the worse headache. I was miserable. Then I went to bed before I could take my t3 meds and slept through waking up to take them. The headache lingered and all I could think of was how afraid I was that this was a sign of my progesterone dropping. Last friday's PIO shot left a lot to be desired and all day yesterday I just felt sick to my stomach all day and I kept getting mild cramping off and one during the afternoon. So I woke up this morning knowing that I had to get up super early to go get the P4 draw (done every two weeks) for PPVI and went to the bathroom I saw my biggest fear, a little spotting on the tissue. My heart began racing, I panicked and wanted to just get some progesterone meds in me asap!! haha So I dressed as fast as I could, threw my hair in a ponytail, grabbed a bottle of water and jumped in my car praying the whole time. I drove to the lab, did the draw and went and sat at my doctor's office until she opened up and requested an ultrasound. This morning, I needed someone who could understand my fear and I called on Sew :) She talked down my fear, praise God. What a blessing to have a friend like her! I did go get the ultrasound. I litterally got the u/s done about 8 minutes after getting the order. To say that I was shaking with fear is an understatement. I was still praying to our Blessed Mother asking for her intercession. The tech found the baby right away and Little Bit was jumping away!!!!!!!!! Oh, be still my beating heart, Little Bit's heart was beating away too, 173 bpm. I was so very thankful!!! Thank you God.

I ended up talking to my nurse at PPVI and Dr. H is going to start me on additional progesterone support. I did get the nurse I really liked and I think it made a huge difference. I asked for this two weeks ago and they declined, saying I did not need it. Oh well, I got the PIO injection as soon as I got home and showered. So far, the spotting is not really present and the headache is easing.
I wasn't able to get the additional meds for the progesterone support because there were some changes with the pharmacy, but the nurse figured it out and sent the script to a local compounding pharmacy. God please let this work for our baby!!

Dearest Abba,

I am begging you to protect this little life that we are so much in love with already! We love you Father, we trust you and we love you! Amen.

On my mind

I have found lately that I am completely focused on the fact that despite all of the problems with fertility and my constant striving to be hopeful that we would one day make it to this moment in time - happily expecting a baby.

I have not been modest in my pure joy of this pregnancy on this blog, but I have been extremely modest in sharing my joy and excitement with those around me. My dear, sweet husband gets a bit overwhelmed beacause I am completely a chatterbox with him about this pregnancy (both exciting things and my irrational worries). Still, even with my family, I am quite timid talking about our baby. I told my husband this weekend that I have sensed that I am shutting down a bit in some conversations with some friends and family when they show excitment about the baby and go on and on with questions, I told him I am just still waiting to know that all will be okay, that this pregnancy will end up with a baby for all of them to meet here on earth. This feels like such a lack of faith in what God is doing in our lives, for the world right now. It is worse with my mom, my aunts, my mother in law, etc. I guess because I am so worried that this joy can be pulled out from under us in the blink of an eye. I have to stop worrying, I have to stop being so cautious . . . . I have HAVE TO be more trusting of God's will in my life, my marriage, for my family, and for the life of this beautiful life I am carrying within my womb.

That all being said, I have to say that I hope no one that reads this blog finds it difficult to travel with us on this journey because of the constant chattering on about this pregnancy. I think that just as I did with discussing my IF and losses here on this blog, I feel free to express my joy and worries about this new life that I am praying for with my whole being.

In the past few days, I have had the opportunity to really help offer some support to two families who had a family member who just suffered through ruptured ectopic pregnancies. I almost feel like this is my calling in life, to reach out to families trying to grow their families, families in grief dealing with the loss of a precious child, and familes just lost in trying to figure out which direction to go when there seems no way anymore. It was so hard to hear of two of our friends having to suffer so deeply with the loss of a child, much less a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and then an emergency surgery - it was devasting. I would have rather that I was the only person in the whole world who had to go through that. My husband took it as hard as I did. This sweet young woman had lost her mother two years ago and then lost her baby right around Mother's Day this year - just tragic. They have been trying for over three years. Please join me in prayer for this family. I just wish that I could absorb their suffering. Poor thing, they wondered when the pain from the surgery, etc would go away and I had to tell them it took about 4-5 weeks for the pain to subside for me to move around more freely without much pain.

I have another u/s and doctor's appointment on June 1st. I continue to have nausea, fatigue, and mood swings :) We had a very busy weekend, I was worn out. We went to a great graduation party for our friends daughter yesterday, but gosh it was HOT. We were outside for nearly 7 hours - just put a fork in me, I was done. We ended up sleeping late and having to go to mass about 1/2 hour away with the Bishop. It was a blessing. I love receiving Jesus, it is what gets me through.

My husband took me to see "Backup Plan" this weekend, NUTS! Some truths, though!

God, please help me to trust you and know that all things, all people that I love are in your care. Amen.

Best Night!!

Best Night!!

We had the best night visiting our friends from Idaho!!! We love them and their kiddos!

It was the funniest thing, the oldest child last saw us about a year ago and nearly two years since he was at our house, but tonight they were completeley at home here.

Their parents were amazed! I have tons of primary toys from when I was a Special Instructor so we have a fully stocked toy box, so they had all the toys out and enjoyed every single one of them. Our living room floor was covered and I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!! We had juice spills, pee on the carpet, chocolate chips on the kitchen floor, I told J - take a good look, this is what our life is going to look like soon! We can't wait.

We laughed so much tonight, their visit was such great medicine for my soul! We love you all!

What a fun suprise!

A dear friend suprised me with this in my FB Inbox!! Hahaha - we loved it! Thanks Maria!

I am feeling rough these days, nausea, sore lady parts, back ache, and pure exhaustion! The back ache is from my office desk chair! I need to bring a pillow or something. I feel like I am growing in all places and I am already quite grown ;)

I am thankful for all of these things, but I also find relief when they subside.

I cannot beleive we made it to nine weeks - grow little bit grow!

Fun things that are happening - we have had baby names that were our favorites for a long time for significant reasons and we are definitely sticking with those! Today there was great affirmation for our name for a baby girl! Absolutely stunned me and filled my heart with gratitude that this name has been on our hearts for many years! Our boy name couldn't be better! I know we have a long way to go until we can share these names with the world, but I am so pleased!!!

God is so gracious! Praying for all of you!

Happy Day

Our baby is growing, praise God!

Little bit is now close to 9 weeks and about 1 inch long! The baby had a super fantastic heartbeat today, 180 bpm!! I was thrilled beyond words! My heart is just amazed! I have been feeling a bit funny, but they did the pap today to get it out of the way since I was due for one. All of my previous labs are good so far. She said not to be concerned about the progesterone dropping because she said that they do fluctuate and she fully supports Dr. H's protocol on the progesterone support.

I am not getting alot of resistance from her for receiving care from Dr. H and his staff. I pray that all continues to go well! She also told me that there is only a very slim chance for there to be a loss at this stage. I will see her again in two weeks and have another ultrasound. Hearing the baby's heartbeat is makes me feel like I am in another world. I am amazed that God has brought us to this place, I have wondered for so long if we would ever make to this place . . . there are lots of prayers being said and tons of those prayers are filled with thanksgiving!

So, I celebrated by ordering this with our bank card reward points! I know it is a little early, but I couldn't help myself :)



(the bassinet comes with both interchangeable blue/pink ribbon and basket liners)
(even with bonus reward points, I buy on clearance - hahaha - it was normally for 13500 points and I got for 4690 points, can't beat that!!!)

So strange

It is so strange that I drive myself completely crazy worrying and why all of my appointments have to be on a Monday afternoon so that I drive myself and my husband batty all weekend!

I was a complete basketcase knowing that my progesterone numbers dropped. I tried to take a calm approach, but I would analyze every single symptom or non-symptom. Overall the whole weekend I felt find, I was just completely exhausted on Sunday. I managed to cook, vaccuum, and do two loads of laundy, but that was spaced from about 11 am to about 9 pm. We managed to get to an evening mass yesterday, mostly because I love receiving the Eucharist and feel like I am giving our baby Jesus. I don't know if I was a little down yesterday, but I took a long nap too! It was a very relaxing sunday. The only problem was when we got to church, I had to run to the bathroom and then I immediately felt awful. Strange and persistent stomach pains that really gave my mind and emotions a field day with worrying. I don't know if it was my husband's crazy driving to church (hahaha, just kidding - I am not a good passenger these days) or if it was the heat, but I was so afraid that I was going to miscarry. Those fears seep in and try to steal so much of my joy. I prayed and prayed and finally I felt better sitting in the cool church. Mass was beautiful and of course I cried at the end. It was just unbelievable that one year ago at this time I was in emergency surgery.
So anyway, today, I need my appointment to go well. I will update later.

One Year Ago

I was rushed to the hospital and had my family completely freaked out. We had no idea what was happening, but it turns out I was suffering from a ruptured tube due to my ectopic pregnancy.

All of those moments of fear, trembling, begging God to save the life of our child are still so vivid.

My husband is reminding me that this year we have a new baby to celebrate and while that is truly miraculous, my heart still hurts for the loss of our precious Nicky.

I was in the hospital for 4 days and on a breathing machine for two of those days because my body just couldn't remember to breathe. Looking back, it seems unbelievable that I am sitting at home, in no pain, with a new pregnancy and new hope. I constantly ask Nicky and Sam to pray for their new little brother or sister. I beleive they are praying ;)

During the e/r evaluation that day, when I was crying and could not stop my mom showed up and gave me a little something she already bought for her new grandbaby. I held onto that little bunny thoughout my hospital stay. I would cry the whole time I was there and when our parents would come I would cry even more, just pure weeping. I still keep this little bunny by my bed and I still find comfort in holding him during prayer time. Just a tangible reminder of where I have been, where I will be going one day and those two precious souls who are willing to wait to meet us one day in Heaven.

We love you, Nicky! We thank you for your intercession and we can't wait to meet your new sister or brother! Love, Mommy & Daddy

feeling better

I am feeling better. About the progesterone levels, that is. Overall, I am trying not to panic. The nurses were not nervous at all, so my prayer is that they really seen no reason to be alarmed right now.

I analyzed the chart for progesterone levels that can be found on the ppvi website. It looks like there is a typical dip around 8 weeks across the board. Not sure why, but I am wondering if the corpus luteum has just stopped doing what it was supposed to do and they say around 10-12 weeks the placenta usually takes over for producing the progesterone needed to continue a healthy pregnancy. I am praying, have my hopes up.

We had a great day today, slept in and all ;)

We also got to go visit some family and do some shopping! Nothing big, but shopping is just so calming for me! A good day indeed!

Please pray for our dear friend, Ann from Building a Nest.

Congratulations go out to Jeremiah 29:11 and her family, we are so excited that Tommy is doing well and in YOUR family!!

More prayers needed

I called for my progesterone results today and they called me back quickly to let me know that they did drop. To a crazy number, 17.9 and I was right on the verge of being eight weeks on tuesday when the blood draw was done. The nurse was not really concerned. She explained that I am in midzone 2. I don't want to be mkidzone 2, I want better for me and for my babe. Is that too much to ask? So I asked about the suppositories are supplemental and they said it is not needed the baby is doing great and all is well. I don't want all is well right now, I was all is well for a happy ending. A healthy baby born to a healthy mom at the right time! Not too much to ask!

Two weeks ago, the numbers were around 24. Here is something that might have affected it, though. I am not sure. I always do my blood draws around 7:30 am (basically fasting) but that day if was done at 2:30 pm and I had eaten two light meals before then. I also felt drained that day, laid around until my appointment and blood draw, etc. That is the day they took about 9 vials of blood at one time and I was wiped out and had to go see the breast specialish right after that. I then became grouchy (BAD) and starving. Only to know that I still had a long night ahead of me with confirmation practice.

Please pray for me and our baby, my hubs is a tad nervous too! Please know that the prayers are returned for all of you!

AWAKE

I have no idea why I am awake, I am still very tired.

I had a weird dream. What is up with the weird dreams??

I am stressed about my job and I only had to work three days this weekend.

I kept trying to picture myself walking with Jesus on a beach with the crashing waves at our feet as He assured me that I am being cared for but I still could not settle down to rest. So here I am on the computer when I could have two more hours of sleep!

The past few days have been so busy! Some amazing parts and some that left me in tears.

Last night was absolutely perfect. God was so generous to all our spirits as we celebrated the outpouring of the Holy Spirit! There are 21 high school students and 4 adults confirmed! Praise God!

The Bishop taught us so much about courage, Jesus, and the Eucharist. I was in awe the entire time and fully aware at the miracle of life growing inside of me. I am thrilled to be allowed to share the Eucharist in such a profound way with Little Bit.

I am still a bit in shock that we are even expecting a baby. It all still feels a bit surreal. I feel like at any point in time, the rug could be pulled out from under us again and we will find ourselves flat on our rears and trying to figure out of faith, our God all over again.

I am counting down the days to the next ultrasound!!! I love seeing that the baby is thriving. I got to share with a priest today at how much we can see of the baby, even at this age and he was amazed! I shared with him our journey up until now and told him about the work of Dr. Hilgers and PPVI. Who knows where that will lead, but he was really surprised that no ART was involved. I shared more information in the hopes that he knows a couple who may need some support or some answers.

Let us pray for all of those couples who are still searching for answers!

I was able to talk about my concerns about my work situation with this same priest and he had some of the same suggestions as my spiritual director. Basically, that it may be best for me and the babe to get out of my work environment. I asked him if they could just fire me and he said yes, he asked me to pray about it and discern how to handle this. I am concerned about losing my maternity care and income. It is not much but it does pay a few bills. I will keep trying to look for other employment, but I am praying that I can do something from home and possibly get the assistance for medical care. My husband’s plan does not cover maternity care at all. I know that God is in all of this somehow and he will provide for all of our needs! I have always dreamed and hoped to care for my children myself and be a homemaker, so I am praying that God is leading me there. Only God knows. My husband is worried and it is not helpful. I am trying to stay until they decide to let me go, but that is pretty stressful. I figure I could get unemployment for awhile.

Please know that my prayers continue for all of you and your families!

I forgot

I forgot to say thank you for all of your prayers on my behalf in regard to the healing of the area on my right breast.  I saw the specialist on Wednesday and it has all but disappeared.  The antibiotics did the trick.  He did a full chest exam, I HATE those.  Thank goodness he was a very kind man.    He told me that some time of nasal allergies could be the culprit and that we will need to monitor it in the future if it arises again.  Praise God there were no lumps, but I will need to start Mammograms around the 35 year mark.  I am not too far away!   I am so thankful for this new life growing . . . my heart is so glad!!!   "I set before you life & death, blessings and curses; CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children will live!"  Deuteronomy 30:19

Our Friend's Confirmations

are tomorrow!

We are so excited! My husband has know this amazing couple since he was a kid and when I married Jessy, I immediately became friends with them as well. We were so honored to have them ask us to be their sponsors for Confirmation! They are in their late thirties/earlie forties and it is so exciting for them to be growing in their faith!

We pray that God will bless them both in a special way, as they continue to trust Him with all their tomorrows! We are so happy to celebrate this day with you both, L&L!!!

Today's Ultrasound

Today's ultrasound went great. I was completley nervous, as usual! I don't really know why we are doing them every week right now, but I know that it is comforting me.

I am having a bit of pain on the right side of my uterus (at least I think that is it). I asked the u/s tech if the baby seemed to be more positioned on the right and he said the baby does seem to favor the right. Well, we did both the abdominal u/s and he quickly found the baby and I could see that little heart fluttering away! He turned the volume up and I could hear the heartbeat. It was a little hard to hear, though. With the abdominal u/s, he was measuring the baby at 8w6d. That is much further than last time and we were both thinking we could get a better picture of the baby with a vaginal u/s. That one showed the baby at 7w5d. Awesome!! My heart is still fluttering, the baby's heartbeat was a whopping 170!!!!! God is good!

With the abdominal u/s, he pressed really hard on the right side, where I was feeling slight pain and now it is still there. I am praying that that pain is due to stretching, growing, or even round ligament pain. We shall see. I am amazed, utterly amazed!!!

This picture is a bit blurry, but you can see the arm buds and leg buds sticking out!!

Never too late . . .

I thought I would have to scan the u/s picture to be able to post it and last night as I was going to bed I realized I could just take a picture of it and download it. Simple, yes. Why my brain works so slow to figure these things out? I have no idea.

Sew, in particular was requesting to see the u/s picture. Well, here we go


Little Bit
May 3, 2010
6w4d

I have another u/s today. Feeling a bit of anxiety, just trying to trust. The cross has not gotten lighter, so to say, it has just changed shapes.

Awesome Day

celebrating the ladies who gave us life and those who nurture us on our journey.



My aunt, who is like a second mom to me, and I!

My Mom & I!

I am so excited. I get to go get my hair cut today and my best friend is coming over tonight to have dinner with Jessy & I! It is always so much fun hanging out with her! She cracks us both up!!!

I have the next four days off. I feel like I am as close to heaven as possible right now. On Monday, I will get to have another ultrasound of the baby. I pray that Little Bit is growing and that the heartbeat is getting stronger! It is really strange how many fears and anxious thoughts can make a woman worry like I am doing. I am feeling great. I have been eating frequent, small meals and so the nausea was minimal yesterday and today has just begun. I am adding a banana to the first thing I eat every morning and it seems to be helping. I don;t know why, but it works for me. I had to laugh at Sew with her 4 lbs of cheese. I came home from the grocery strore on Thursday with three packages of cheese. What is it with cheese. I am not a big dairy person, but now I am.

On Tuesday, I have an appointment with a local breast specialist. When I got the call from my doctor that the u/s reports from Wednesday indicated that they needed to be reviewed by a breast specialist I about flipped out. I know that so much could be worse. The area has cleared up alot since the addition of antibiotics. The nurse was so kind and helpful. I kept trying to tell her it was nothing, but she said we just need to make sure and also find out if the pregnancy hormones are causing these changes in your breast tissue. Seriously, I am now calm about it. I am glad they are so aggressive with monitoring my health, praise God.

I just seem to have a lot of worries right now. With work and all. I really have peace about leaving the job, I just don't have peace about leaving my paycheck (though when working for the church it is little) and my maternity care. I don't feel like being mistreated anymore and treated well when someone is happy and being stepped on when they are not. My self-esteem can only go up from here. God will provide for what I need, not what I want.

Praise for God shall be ever in my mouth, let my soul glory in the Lord, who will hear the cry of the poor. (I think this is from psalm 34).

Happy Saturday to you all.

Mother's Day is right about the corner, we are celebrating our Moms by having them over for a BBQ! It will be nice. I saw a card when picking out ones for our moms and it was for a woman who was expecting a baby. It said something like "You will be a great Mom, you already have everything a baby needs - lots of hugs, kisses, and love ready to welcome them. Happy Mother's Day (a little early)" I think that when we are in the throes of infertility, awaiting adoption placement, dealing with a failed adoption, or dealing with the loss of a baby or more than one baby, we all need a card like that!!! Not only for moms with a baby in their belly. I was a mom, whose babies were in heaven. You all are Moms, you have mother's hearts and you are already loving and praying your child/ren into existence, so Happy Mother's Day to you all, I pray that God's graces will enfold you warmly and trust that God does hear all of our prayers.

I just don't know

I just sent an email to the priest that has the potential to listen to my side of the story regarding the work situation. I was terribly nervous and feel so needy. My self-esteem is really shaken. Somehow, God, help me find the direction I need right now.

In good news, I have been having my share of nausea. It is almost one of the only signs besides being exhausted that lets me know that the baby is hopefully growing and safe!! Yesterday, I took two naps and slept the whole night. I am now heading to bed. When I get home from work, I am the most tired.

Also in good news, I have a habit of loving to save money and I was shocked that when I went to the grocery store this afternoon I saved 75& of the grocery bill by only buying the things we like that were on sale. I spent $45, and saved $30! So sad that saving money gives my spirit a pick me up!

Speaking of pick me ups, I had a huge one today when I got to visit my friend on my lunch hour and her beautiful, lively daughter ;) There were so many fun moments and I just love hanging out with them. My friend suprised me when I was leaving by telling me "Happy Mother's Day". It was strange and absolutely wonderful all at the same time. I really can't believe that I am expecting a child! God is full of suprises!

Not much . . .

"Not much" is a good thing. I got the ultrasound on the area the doctor was concerned about on my breast. It feels weird to talk about this, but this is my reality right now. My family history of breast cancer is not good, so I think this doctor was super cautious.

The only thing about the appointment was that it had to be done at a local hospital and the radiology department is in the same lobby as the e/r. Really long wait. I am forgetting to eat in the mornings, I used to be starved when I would wake up before my pregnancy, but not now. I have to literally make myself eat. Today was the first day of pronounced nausea. I had mild bouts with it last week and this past weekend, but it was pronounced today. I should be completely thankful and I really am. I want something about this pregnancy to really feel like it is going the way it should. The only other symptom I have is running constantly to the bathroom, but I am also drinking about 80 oz of water a day. I have managed to really curtail my desire for coke. I am not a coffee drinker so that helps. Probably since I found out I was pregnant, I have had 5 soft drinks. Not too bad, I don't think.

I took the day off from work, had a crazy sinus headache or at least that is what it felt like. I am soon off to take a nap! I needed a low stress day and praise God, I got one.

Thanks for all your encouraging words and support regarding my work situation. I do believe that somehow justice will be given. I may not ever know of it, but what is done in darkness is always revealed in the light. I pray for their souls. I was reminded yesterday by my Spiritual Director that Jesus said "Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing."

The priest that will take over in one year, asked me to stay for one year and changes will come. If I could just hang in there, things will be better. He is the one I consulted with to finally try to get a better job environment for myself and I am not going to be able to do it. I have tried to walk a fine line with no mistakes, but with false accusations being made, I barely have the strength to keep fighting.

I was actually told yesterday by the priest who said he was unhappy with my job performance that "He had to have peace in the office, and so somehow one of us would have to go." He also said based on my myers-briggs personality test that I need to develop better thinking skills. And last but not least, when he found out I was pregnant he told me "Well, don't you think it would be safer for the baby for you to be on bedrest so you won't lose this one too?" When did he become a medical doctor? And who says that to a woman who is keenly aware of human life being so ver fragile. Earlier last week, he pushed hard for me to go back to college for my teaching certification. This has been a secondary goal for me, motherhood and raising a family has always been top priority. He was upset when I told him that I would not be pursueing this schooling immediately, but I had the distint feeling that he was trying to push me out. Yesterday he told me that this lady that I work with was ready to quit, but he convinced her to stay and all of that happened last week. Time is running out on me. I don't know what to do, I just need to trust God.

Today

Today at work was incredibly hard.

I am having more difficulty at work and it came completely out of left field.

Not a good combination with all of my wild hormones!!

I will most likely be without a job or maternity care insurance.

I know that God will provide, He always has and he will continue to do so.

I prayed all day long that little bit's heart would just keep beating despite the unimaginable moments I kept encountering.

I ended up breaking down and telling the priest I work with that I was expecting and that was the reason I did not carry a table on friday to the room by myself and why I asked the maintenance guy to do it for me. Yes, that was one of the major complaints he had about me job performance - that I should have not asked for help in getting that table to the dining hall. I clearly told him the reason I did not carry the table was because I am taking all precautions to keep this baby alive!!!!!!!

The other complaint they had about me is that they think I am "tipping" staff off by text message or cell phone calls when their supervisor is planning to do random supervision on the other staff. The priest told me that the associate director thinks that I have been doing this for a long time. This is completely not true and never have I done that. Why would I? I told them it is ridiculous for me to have to defend myself on this. This lady is sick. Something is clearly wrong and the priest told me that she is not recommending that my contract be renewed for the next fiscal year.

I am planning to use as much of my accumulated time off (sick and vacation) to look for a new job.

I got to have spiritual direction today and she challenged me to look at this as a blessing. That God is in this too, not in the evil, but to just trust God.
She and my husband told me that they are just grasping for straws to find something wrong.
I will be trusting God.

In awe . . .

They say that Disney World is the most magical place on earth, even the happiest.

Well, today, the happiest place on earth was that little ultrasound room!

Jessy was able to meet me for the ultrasound and I was a complete basketcase. Full of nerves. I would wake up in the middle of the night last night to pray.

I prayed for a living baby all snuggled up (in the right place) with a strong heartbeat and my prayers were answered! We were able to see our baby in the location they should be in, my womb, and the most magical image we could ever hope to see - a strong fluttering heartbeat. Words could not express the joy that was overflowing in that moment. I was crying tears of joy in those moments.


The heartbeat was strong - 130 bpm! That number is etched in my heart.

Jessy called me later after I got out of the f/u ob appointment and I asked if he was on cloud nine and he told me he was way past cloud nine - he was on cloud twelve.

I keep asking myself "Is this really real?" In the u/s room as I was watching the baby's heartbeat flutter rapidly on the screen I said "Wow, this is a complete miracle. Is this really happening?"

The u/s tech and the assistant (trainee) was talking about how far along I am and they calculated that based on the crown to rump length, I am about 6w4d with and EDD of December 23, 2010. Jessy said to me "Wow, you were really close thinking it was 6w5d!!" The u/s tech was impressed I would have such a close estimate and I told him about CrMS. Then for some reason, when I brought the u/s report to the doctor, the report said 6w2d with an EDD of December 25, 2010. I was in awe once again. I now know that EDD are just a general idea, but God is really up to something here.

It was a bit bittersweet because the u/s tech shared with me that the other two u/s he did that morning did not reveal good results. I could not help but beg God to send angels to comfort those ladies/families. It is still heavy on my heart and I still wonder at this mystery of life . . . how fragile all of it is and how very sacred that we must always entrust these little ones to God.

I told Jessy this morning "I brought out the big guns!!! I called in all the Saints" I have been praying a novena to St. Gerard. Praying with St. Gianna and St. Therese and asking the intercession of Sam and Nicky, as well as St. Joseph, St. Nicholas, and our Blessed Mother.

There is one small thing that does have me a bit concerned. I found a small, red, inflamed area in the inner center of my right breast last thursday. I got alarmed, but tried to remain calm. Dr. Hilgers' nurses suggested I wait to see if my local doctor felt we needed to do anything about it. For a while it stayed inflamed and grew a bit, but I kept cleaning the area with hibiclens, using hot compresses on it to draw anything to the surface as needed, but while it became reduced and improved greatly, there is still a small area present. The doctor looked at it today and got pretty aggressive about pursuing it and it rattled me a bit. She gave me some safe antibiotics to take for seven days and scheduled to have me do have an u/s done on this area on Wednesday. I am hoping it will clear up by then. It has already improved about 80%. It is not tender to the touch, but I want it to be nothing.

God is amazing. I am glad I have a good doctor. They have me scheduled for two more ob appts in the next two weeks with fetal heartbeat monitoring and u/s. My prayers continue . . . for a safe, healthy baby and delivery.

Thank you for all of your prayers, you all remain in my prayers!!

I am thankful for . . .

Messy beds and busy weekends

because it means there was a warm body resting there!

This is the little guy that filled up our weekend!

The boys fishing before the sky opened up and tried to drench us!