Unhappy

I am just not a happy person right now. Tears are freaking streaming down my face. I am sad, so very sad. I just walked home from the shower that was for the crisis pregnancy center, where all the gifts brought will be given to new moms who did choose to parent their child and allow them to keep living in their womb. But for me, I did not have a choice. I did not have the choice to keep my baby alive. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I should have not gone. I gained alot of information, but it was just so heart wrenching to hear that there was some young woman who changed her mind about abortion and will probably place her child for adoption and we had very similiar due dates. I want to be able to adopt that baby. This is wretched place to be when you hear of women who are fertile and and you still remain childless. When you are open to adoption and it still seems like all the doors close. Yes, God may have in mind for me to be able to carry my children to birth myself, but I am just so angry with my body right now. As I listened to the pain that women who are post-abortive are in . . .in all rang true. They experience the grief that I have experienced twice. That longing, only I did not actively choose to end my child's life. Their lives were snuffed out before their first breath. God carried them home. My heart is just so sorrowful right now. I tell you I would love to volunteer to minister to these women, but I just don't know if I could. I believe whole heartedly in the ministry, but maybe my heart is just so broken . . . I don't know where I would start.
I do have to admit that the first part of the shower was nice. It was close to my house, so I walked and got to see all my neighbors. Then we start with prayer and are told about spiritually adopting a child. We were giving the chance to adopt a child in prayer for one year. We were told told to name our baby and we were given a prayer card with a prayer from Fulton Sheen. The prayer alone will summon tears. Well, I was a little thrown off with this. I named my child Sarah Elizabeth, two names I love that DH doesn't find appealing. Then were were told to pick a gift that we did not bring and that the gifts were for the "NEW MOMS" who just spiritually adopted their babies. These gifts would in turn be given to little ones saved from abortion, through our collective prayers. Of course the gift I have chosen was a beautiful set of socks, onsie, osh kosh overalls - a complete set for a boy and a girl and the girl one had beautiful butterflies. You know I wondered at the heart of God as I posed with the gifts for the camera. The shower was beautiful and the decorations everything I would have loved. They explained that the shower was for us . . .the new spiritual adoptive mothers. While I should be so pleased about this, my heart is just so heavy.

I asked the lady from the agency if there is a small of percentage of women who acknowledge rape or incest/abuse as a possible reason they are considering abortion. I was a little swept aside when she simply said that statistics say that only 1% of abortions done are on children that were conceived in rape. I wanted to say clearly that 1% is TOO MANY! Out of 50 million, 1% is HUGE. I did say that there was a woman who was conceived in rape and her mother was pressured to abort, but the mother chose life and placed her with an adoptive family. This woman whose life was spared now has a huge ministry promoting pro-life in ALL circimstances to the nation. By her being open about her story, she has fostered healing in other people who were conceived in rape and their mothers chose life. Yes, it may be 1%, but 1% of 50 million is 500,000 people. And, that is the ones that acknowledge the rape, incest, ect and surrender their secret. I am one of the lucky ones, blessed ones.

Dearest Father in Heaven,
I sincerely pray for all mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, cousins, and friends touched by abortion find the true healing and wholeness you are wating to give them. Lord, give the freedom. Freedom to surrender to you, freedom to lay themselves down stripped of all their insecurites and shame and find you waiting with open arms. Father, love them. There is so much hurt in their hearts . . .coming to you as a woman who has had to surrender two children to you, I understand a part of their pain. I understand the pain of anniversary dates, of remembering how old the child would have been, but I do not understand the certain pain they must feel in knowing that they made the decision of life and death for their child that only you should have made for them. Father in heaven, prepare all of us who have yet to meet the children of our heart and prepare us all for that special day in Heaven, when we shall be reunited. I pray also for all of those you have called to work in the ministry of helping women recognize the certain responsibility that comes with having a new life in their womb. Father God, I entrust them all to your care. Holy Mary, Mother of God, be with them all. Amen.