Avoiding

Avoiding days of fertility is no fun . . .and we have been unsuccessful. I have been panicking thinking how I will tell the nurse "No, we did use a day of fertility." Not that we will be punished or branded, but J and I are both really rule orientated people and we were sort of panicking about the possibility that we could conceive and that it would not be optimal circumstances (hormone wise) to conceive just yet and that we would have an outcome that we would not be happy with. I felt like a irresponsible teenageer being rebellious. Then last night, I did not make it home in time to take my regular meds and this morning I slept through taking the am meds. Seriously, I took a 4 hour nap today and just might not be able to go to sleep tonight. I just took my night time meds a few minutes ago, so I am getting back on the wagon, so to speak. I guess I was just worn out, emotionally, at least. We were laughing at ourselves, for the simple reason that we were nervous to be successful and then it not be the right time. How freaking silly is that? We have always been so infertile, that this is possibly new terrority. We just have no idea how this megadose of Clomid will change the course for us . . .this is completely crazy. J was so ready to stop this whole idea of avoiding and I praying that we were not so reckless as to mess up our future fertility. I am afraid of being lucky enough to become pregnant and then my body is ntw well enough to help keep the pregnancy viable or to have another ectopic pregancy and that I would not be so lucky to make it out of that trauma again. At one point at the funeral on Saturday, I looked down the aisle and saw all of my family grieving, visiting, and comforting each other and I realized with such clarity that I was lucky that they did not have to do this for me in May. My life was in such danger, yet God chose to spare me. I am feeling silly for being so worried, but I can't help it. I am praying that God's grace will protect me and help me to not be worried about the possibility that we could conceive when we are fully open to life and the possiblity of adding children to our family. The thing is I have spent so mnay years not having much of a chance to conceive and then I really had no reason to be afraid of conception. The bottom line is that I need to trust God. I need to trust him fully and that if He chooses to breathe new life into my womb, He desired to do so . . . we are co-creators with Him. We cannot bring new life into my womb by ourselves. So, this will be a tough 2ww. It has been nice just waiting for cd1 and not worrying about if I had a chance at becoming pregnant. This just all seems so nuts. My goal is a pregancy, a health pregnancy. I will abandon myself to God's will, isn't that what I have been doing all along? I just pray also that if a new life is beginning, God will bless that life with a healthy birth, and a full life in glorifying God!