Adrenal Issues & Ramblings

I am so thankful to be feeling better. I made it to work today and only had a few coughing spells. J is feeling better too, thank goodness. Thanks for all the prayers.
When I checked the mail today, I got a letter saying that my questionaire for adrenal fatigue was "scored" by the doctor and that I do show a mild/moderate adrenal reserve deficiency. Add that one to the list. Going off of the literature that I received about it medical uses and the issue of adrenal fatigue, I learned that my level of 9.9 was about way below then typical normal levels of 20-30.
Yet, once I read all of the precautions and even though they say that they are few side effects with such a low dose, it still concerned me. Did anyone else have this reaction? I need to call the nurses to see about calling out the prescription. I will have to take the meds four times a day. It seems that all of the puzzle pieces coming together that are affecting my fertility is overwhelming. I am so ready to just be well. This cycle is already so different than the last one and I am worried about it although there is little I can do about it at this point.
I am so ready to try to have a baby. Yet at the same time when I was taking my walk at lunch today, a green dragonfly met me and stayed with me for awhile. As you all know, I seem to miss our Nicky more when I see dragonflies because their presence to me in the beginning my pregnancy brought me so much hope. Well today, when I saw that dragonfly it reminded me that no matter if we are able to conceive again or are allowed to be chosen to take a child into our family through the miracle of adoption, I will still never get to know that baby that is not with us anymore. I will not know our Nicky on this side of heaven. It was a peaceful kind of reminder that having another baby will never replace all of things we will miss in not being able to parent our baby here on earth. Each day that brings me closer to our due date for Nicky is so sad to me. It is not something that is making it hard to go through the day, it is just the subtle reminders that the world does not stop turning when your world feels like it is falling apart.
Yesterday, while J and I were in the waiting room to see the doctor, we say the NBC morning show and they did a feature about suffering through miscarriage and how women have been trained to suffer silently and we are just now learning to talk about our pain and how reaching out to other women who are hurting like us is so helpful to help us to stop blaming ourselves and wondering if we will ever be able to have children. As I watched the lady who did the interview (she miscarried four children) and Meredith V also acknowledged that she, too, miscarried four children. I was so validated as to how I have dealt with my own suffering of losing a child before I ever held them or kissed them. I can't say I did not know them, my soul did know them. My soul still feels their presence at times. That is grace. I just still get so sad that other women have to experience the same suffering I endure. The longing, the questions, the fears, the tears, the feelings of failure. They expressed how these feelings come in waves. This is true, but it is not limited to miscarriage, feelings of fear, hopelessness, worry come with IF too. One of the ladies mentioned that people would always tell her that she was lucky that miscarried so early in the pregnancy because it is assumed that the longer you are pregnant the harder it is to grieve a loss of a pregnancy. She correctly addressed this issue by saying that to say most people who are pregnant have been dreaming of this pregnancy, this baby since they met the person they wanted to make a family with. The dream is changed. I think she said the dream is lost, but after dealing iwth IF and two losses, I know that the dream is changed.
In the past few days, I have been finding myself thankful that J and I were instrumental in bringing two new souls into being with God. I am trying to just accept that my life can still be full in this knowledge that life here on earth is just part of my life, it not my whole life. I have my eternal home in Heaven. Knowing that I will spend eternity in the presence of my loving Father in Heaven is bringing me comfort these days. Knowing that my two babies are already there is comforting too, there is no pain there, no illnesses, no want. I trust that they are in the loving arms of our Holy Mother. I remember with Nicky, I tried to sing to them and the only song that would always come into my mind and heart to sing was "Hail Mary, Gentle Woman". I would sing this song to our sweet Nicky all the time. My prayers for the rosary were consistent, and I would always ask for our Blessed Mother's intercession when I would feel the slightest fear or pain. A few weeks ago I shared with J that it occured to me that I was teaching our little one about their Holy Mother. I was preparing them in a way that I did not understand, to trust and be in love with our Holy Mother. I found this so comforting to my sould that in my own way I prepared our little one for heaven. When they were welcomed into our Blessed Mothers arms they already knew her, loved her, and trusted her and knew that she would take care of them just like she cared for her own son, Jesus. When I shared this with J, his response made my heart soar. He quietly told me that "I guess that was your mother's instinct." To have my motherhood validated, to have know that I was a good mother for the short time I was caring for my little one made me feel like I did the right thing and that there was no failure on my part. I made myself vulnerable to God by being open to life and he used me to mother a child. This week I told someone that it was a miracle that we conceived again. I am so glad that I can realize this and not just focus on the loss.
I still don't know what the future holds for us. I don't know if we will be chosen to parent children here on earth, I can pray for it though. I can hope.