I did not get up to go to Holy Mass today. I stayed in bed and my dear husband stayed with me. Today was the start of a new cycle . . . which I am trying to be thankful for right now. I am very glad that my body is doing somethings in a timely manner, but I was just so certain that I could have been pregnant. I had the sore, full chest and different pains in where I think my uterus is, but really no severe cramping. The only thing that had me thinking that something was not right was that my temp dropped really fast the last four days upon waking. On Thurs, it was 98.68, then Fri., it was 98.4, then Sat. 98.0, and today around 97.8 and then I went to the bathroom and found out about the new cycle starting. I did take a quick pregnancy test, just to see if there could have been a chance that I would be miscarrying early and the test gave me an invalid reading. The control window did not work, but the test line said negative. It was the only test I had. So DH reminded me that there was still alot to celebrate right now. Yeah, of course cd1 shows up on the day of a baby shower. Grace, enfold me.
I do have some serious concerns about my left side. It is the only part of my reproductive area that is super tender and painful most of the time, but very pronounced during days of red stickers. It does make me concerned about being pregnant, by the grace of God, one day! I need to find a doctor locally.
On a much more positive note, we spent the day yesterday getting our other twin captain bed from my aunt's house, the one my cousin used to sleep in. Now that he is living with his Dad all the time, he did not need the bed. I did go out and buy new linens for it to match that other bed that I just got things for a month or so ago. It looks really good. A soft lime and aqua comforter and striped sheets. I am praying for the little ones who will one day rest there . . .preferrably after being in a crib and toddlerbed for some time. I have been looking into older sibling groups of children who need to be adopted in our state and we have been praying for those children. That whatever family they are placed with will be the one that loves them the way they deserve and show them the way of Christ. Yet, for some reason I am open to this . . .I just want to be open to whoever God wills to be a part of our family. For now, each cat has made their choice of bed. We ususally keep this door closed, but I have put cat blankets on each bed.
Today is a day that I wish I was still very pregnant. I would be six months . . .I told my DH today, I just don't know how I can imagine how I will survive Christmas this year. With the reminders of St. Nicholas that we names our baby after and with the due date being December 26, 2009.
The other day someone really touched my heart and my heart overflowed with thankfulness. They told me that they saw a dragonfly over the weekend and thought of me and Nicky. No one mentions Nicky to me . . . especially not by name. I was so thankful for these blogs once again and for the women I have been able to get to know because it just affirmed for me that Nicky's life is a gift. It brings me such joy to know that others know how much I love them and celebrate their young life with their thoughts and prayers. Thank you Ms. Blondie. There was so much joy in my heart when you said that you remembered my Nicky.
I keep thinking that my body just doesn't let my babies live. What can I do about that? God, I need you to make your plans abundantly clear to me and I ask for you to prepare our hearts for whaterver path you choose for us. Amen.
Although it's bittersweet for you to be starting a new cycle, just think of it as renewed hope. It's another cycle to try and conceive again. I will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that this cycle didn't turn out as you hoped, but you want to be as healthy as possible when you get pregnant again. I hope that's only a couple more cycles. Are you back to officially TTC yet? You are in my prayers as always.
ReplyDeleteOh, the CD 1 blues can be so trying on a faithful soul. I feel for you and hope your body starts cooperating soon.
ReplyDeleteI understand the dread of Christmas. I found out on Dec. 23 that I was miscarrying (D&C wasn't until Jan. 5 . . . what a long holiday season). Since none of our family knew about anything, we just had to walk through the motions like nothing was wrong. It was so hard. I'm thankful to be pregnant now, but terrified it won't last. Still, in a way I dread Christmas b/c it does mark a sad time for us and because I have an ornament that has our names on it and that we are expecting a baby in August 2008. (I had taken a picture of it and planned to stuff it in with other holiday pictures as a way of telling my mom a few weeks later). I know it's going to be so sad to unpack it knowing that baby never made it to our arms. So, different circumstances, but I understand how much your heart aches for Nicky. I'm so sorry for you and DH. Peace be with you.
I'm sorry it's a new cycle - but glad it sounds like a healthy one. That pain on your left side sounds concerning - if for no other reason than that it would be so nice NOT to be in pain. (Is the left the side of the tube you lost, or was that the right? Sorry, I forget.) What do you think it might be?
ReplyDeleteMisfit - the left is where the tube was removed and it was stapled closed - OUCH! It is a constant reminder of who was lost and I can never, ever forget that my tube is gone.
ReplyDelete