I have managed to get out of that funk from Sunday. I am doing better, depends on what you call better. Seriously, I am cd4 and on my second day of clomid. I will continue the high clomid dose and all of the other meds will remain the same. I asked if we should if I was ready, biologically, to try to achieve pregnancy again and got the most ambigious answer. The told me, "well if you try to achieve their is still a chance you will miscarry . .. but it is a very small chance." Just tell me no for goodness sakes. We will see what the month holds. That is really all I can say about that. We can have the best of intentions and they can fly right out of the window! I think we are going to try to see if my levels stay up. DH and I agree that we will try to wait one more month. I can't believe tomorrow is the beginning of a new month. It just seems as though time is passing me by. I am so tired of writing out checks to doctors, labs, and pharmacies. Speaking of pharmacies, I found a great way to get my Glucophage XR 500 mg and Prenatal for a 1/3 of the cost and the clomid is only $9.99 at Wal.green's with their prescription card.
I have been terribly sassy and foul-mouthed today. I don't know if this is related to the clomid?
I feel sorry for my mom, she is on Femera (sp?) bc of her breast cancer. She says it just makes her mean and hard to get along with - is this common? She will be having a hysterectomy next week. This apparently is common with recovering from breast cancer.
On a fun note, one of my dear friends had her birthday today and I delivered her a sweet little individual cake for her birthday! It was so much fun to suprise her and do something nice for her since she is always taking care of others.

Unhappy

I am just not a happy person right now. Tears are freaking streaming down my face. I am sad, so very sad. I just walked home from the shower that was for the crisis pregnancy center, where all the gifts brought will be given to new moms who did choose to parent their child and allow them to keep living in their womb. But for me, I did not have a choice. I did not have the choice to keep my baby alive. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I should have not gone. I gained alot of information, but it was just so heart wrenching to hear that there was some young woman who changed her mind about abortion and will probably place her child for adoption and we had very similiar due dates. I want to be able to adopt that baby. This is wretched place to be when you hear of women who are fertile and and you still remain childless. When you are open to adoption and it still seems like all the doors close. Yes, God may have in mind for me to be able to carry my children to birth myself, but I am just so angry with my body right now. As I listened to the pain that women who are post-abortive are in . . .in all rang true. They experience the grief that I have experienced twice. That longing, only I did not actively choose to end my child's life. Their lives were snuffed out before their first breath. God carried them home. My heart is just so sorrowful right now. I tell you I would love to volunteer to minister to these women, but I just don't know if I could. I believe whole heartedly in the ministry, but maybe my heart is just so broken . . . I don't know where I would start.
I do have to admit that the first part of the shower was nice. It was close to my house, so I walked and got to see all my neighbors. Then we start with prayer and are told about spiritually adopting a child. We were giving the chance to adopt a child in prayer for one year. We were told told to name our baby and we were given a prayer card with a prayer from Fulton Sheen. The prayer alone will summon tears. Well, I was a little thrown off with this. I named my child Sarah Elizabeth, two names I love that DH doesn't find appealing. Then were were told to pick a gift that we did not bring and that the gifts were for the "NEW MOMS" who just spiritually adopted their babies. These gifts would in turn be given to little ones saved from abortion, through our collective prayers. Of course the gift I have chosen was a beautiful set of socks, onsie, osh kosh overalls - a complete set for a boy and a girl and the girl one had beautiful butterflies. You know I wondered at the heart of God as I posed with the gifts for the camera. The shower was beautiful and the decorations everything I would have loved. They explained that the shower was for us . . .the new spiritual adoptive mothers. While I should be so pleased about this, my heart is just so heavy.

I asked the lady from the agency if there is a small of percentage of women who acknowledge rape or incest/abuse as a possible reason they are considering abortion. I was a little swept aside when she simply said that statistics say that only 1% of abortions done are on children that were conceived in rape. I wanted to say clearly that 1% is TOO MANY! Out of 50 million, 1% is HUGE. I did say that there was a woman who was conceived in rape and her mother was pressured to abort, but the mother chose life and placed her with an adoptive family. This woman whose life was spared now has a huge ministry promoting pro-life in ALL circimstances to the nation. By her being open about her story, she has fostered healing in other people who were conceived in rape and their mothers chose life. Yes, it may be 1%, but 1% of 50 million is 500,000 people. And, that is the ones that acknowledge the rape, incest, ect and surrender their secret. I am one of the lucky ones, blessed ones.

Dearest Father in Heaven,
I sincerely pray for all mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, cousins, and friends touched by abortion find the true healing and wholeness you are wating to give them. Lord, give the freedom. Freedom to surrender to you, freedom to lay themselves down stripped of all their insecurites and shame and find you waiting with open arms. Father, love them. There is so much hurt in their hearts . . .coming to you as a woman who has had to surrender two children to you, I understand a part of their pain. I understand the pain of anniversary dates, of remembering how old the child would have been, but I do not understand the certain pain they must feel in knowing that they made the decision of life and death for their child that only you should have made for them. Father in heaven, prepare all of us who have yet to meet the children of our heart and prepare us all for that special day in Heaven, when we shall be reunited. I pray also for all of those you have called to work in the ministry of helping women recognize the certain responsibility that comes with having a new life in their womb. Father God, I entrust them all to your care. Holy Mary, Mother of God, be with them all. Amen.

Thankfulness

I did not get up to go to Holy Mass today. I stayed in bed and my dear husband stayed with me. Today was the start of a new cycle . . . which I am trying to be thankful for right now. I am very glad that my body is doing somethings in a timely manner, but I was just so certain that I could have been pregnant. I had the sore, full chest and different pains in where I think my uterus is, but really no severe cramping. The only thing that had me thinking that something was not right was that my temp dropped really fast the last four days upon waking. On Thurs, it was 98.68, then Fri., it was 98.4, then Sat. 98.0, and today around 97.8 and then I went to the bathroom and found out about the new cycle starting. I did take a quick pregnancy test, just to see if there could have been a chance that I would be miscarrying early and the test gave me an invalid reading. The control window did not work, but the test line said negative. It was the only test I had. So DH reminded me that there was still alot to celebrate right now. Yeah, of course cd1 shows up on the day of a baby shower. Grace, enfold me.
I do have some serious concerns about my left side. It is the only part of my reproductive area that is super tender and painful most of the time, but very pronounced during days of red stickers. It does make me concerned about being pregnant, by the grace of God, one day! I need to find a doctor locally.
On a much more positive note, we spent the day yesterday getting our other twin captain bed from my aunt's house, the one my cousin used to sleep in. Now that he is living with his Dad all the time, he did not need the bed. I did go out and buy new linens for it to match that other bed that I just got things for a month or so ago. It looks really good. A soft lime and aqua comforter and striped sheets. I am praying for the little ones who will one day rest there . . .preferrably after being in a crib and toddlerbed for some time. I have been looking into older sibling groups of children who need to be adopted in our state and we have been praying for those children. That whatever family they are placed with will be the one that loves them the way they deserve and show them the way of Christ. Yet, for some reason I am open to this . . .I just want to be open to whoever God wills to be a part of our family. For now, each cat has made their choice of bed. We ususally keep this door closed, but I have put cat blankets on each bed.
Today is a day that I wish I was still very pregnant. I would be six months . . .I told my DH today, I just don't know how I can imagine how I will survive Christmas this year. With the reminders of St. Nicholas that we names our baby after and with the due date being December 26, 2009.
The other day someone really touched my heart and my heart overflowed with thankfulness. They told me that they saw a dragonfly over the weekend and thought of me and Nicky. No one mentions Nicky to me . . . especially not by name. I was so thankful for these blogs once again and for the women I have been able to get to know because it just affirmed for me that Nicky's life is a gift. It brings me such joy to know that others know how much I love them and celebrate their young life with their thoughts and prayers. Thank you Ms. Blondie. There was so much joy in my heart when you said that you remembered my Nicky.
I keep thinking that my body just doesn't let my babies live. What can I do about that? God, I need you to make your plans abundantly clear to me and I ask for you to prepare our hearts for whaterver path you choose for us. Amen.

Going Crazy

hahahaha

I do have to say that this morning, I am so glad I posted a nice, simple post. That being said this is not one of them. I did get a message from the nurse to day. Of course they will call the very moment I step into the bathroom and do not have the phone glued to my side. Well, she did give me some good results from my recent blood draw for p+7. My draw on 9/18 was Progesterone 16.5 and the estradiol 12.2. My estradiol has never, ever been that high. So something is working. My progesterone more than doubled. This is what has me so freaking crazy. The only other time it doubled was when we conceived. I think that it could be a huge long shot that I am pregnant, but for that small chance that I am, I don't want my progesterone to drop so much before I can even get help to watch the levels and get some sort of meds to supplement those hormones. I do know that my estradiol levels on the cycle we were successful on was not this high, so there is a distinct possibility that these results are strictly from the high dose of clomid that I was on.
If any of you have any insight on this, please share your widsom. Below is a history of my blood results. Oh, and this morning I woke up and realized that my right hip was not hurting and it always hurts before a new cycle starts. So my heart skipped a beat.
jan. 2008 - prog. .68, estr. 2.2 (inital blood draw, lap/shsg in July, then laparotomy in Sept of 2008)
dec. 3, 2008 - prog. 4.8, estr 6.6
feb. 12, 2009 - prog 10.1, estr. 7.1
april 20, 2009 - prog. 20.6, estr. 7.1 {Peak + 7 on the cycle we conceived)
aug 18, 2009 - prog 7.2, estr. 7.8 (ratio = 92.3)

sept 18, 2009 - prog 16.5, estr. 12.2

She did say that these results are all withing normal limits, so I am thinking we will be moving from avoiding to actively trying soon . . .we will see what the future holds.

Shadow

What a might God we serve!
Sometimes when it seems we are not receiving much 'light' as consolation of God's presence, it is quite likely we are so close to Him that we are resting and growing in His shadow.

Have a beautiful day serving our mighty God.

Images

This image immediately caught my attention on my first walk before my retreat began on Friday. What struck me is that there is this dead, old cypress stump and somehow a beautiful new, baby pine is growing right in the heart of it. I was just so amazed that something so different from the cypress was growing right inside of it. The pine tree was thriving. Yet, for the pine tree to have a place to take root and grow, the cypress had to die to itself. Yes, it might have been a combination of factors that quietly removed the vitality of that cypress tree there was the inevitably necessary hallowing out of itself. At some point, all of it's leaves, then begrudingly, it's branches that allowed the beautiful spanish moss to find shelter, then ultimalely it's trunk also wasted away. Yet the root, the base stayed. It did begin to hollow out, but it was only in the hallowing out, that new life was brought into its midst. It was only in this hallowing out, that there was a place for the seed of this pine to take root and grow.
Lately, in having been reduced to only having one tube and completely having to act out in faith that if I am able to get pregnant, will that tube cooperate or will I be the reduced to no tubes? I am not afraid of adoption. In fact, I love the spirit adoption. I do wonder if we would be approved or will a woman want to place her baby with our family? The truth of the matter, as I was dealing with those fears of losing my right tube, possibly unnecessarily worried, I am trying to prepare my heart and soul that God could choose to hallow me out. Phyically and through humility. So you see, this picture was just an affirmation that if God does see fit to hollow me out to make room for new seeds to grow, I pray that I will find myself thrilled, thankful, and lucky to be in just the right position to accept new life inside of me . . .in the heart of me. The pine and cypress are different, yet the cypress is still able to provide a shelter of sorts to embrace the pine. Although the cypress may seem dead to the human eye, maybe the purpose it was created for has never died, yet FULLY ALIVE. In my humble opinion, both the cypress and pine are blessed beyond measure. They fit together, although the world would think that they would be an unlikely match. The secret is this, neither of them is looking for the apporval of the world, just the approval of their Maker. So, can you see where I was struck by this imagine and what it represented to me in having a heart for for growing my family through adoption should this be God's will for our lives.
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YET....................when I shared this impession with J, he just said "Gosh, this could just mean that a baby is growing in their mother's body." Namely, yours truly. He is so determined and never gives up!!!! hahaha, at least I did get a good laugh out of this. He is the one who is led by his heart and I tend to be a thinker. So only time will tell. I do just want to do my Heavenly Father's will so I am up for what ever it is God decides to bring our way.

I've been shopping . . .

Baby showers. Two words that can break the IF girls’ heart into a million little pieces and for the girl who has no babies on earth shatter every bit of gumption they have managed to muster. But . . .. .this baby shower is different. Our parish is hosting a baby shower for our local crisis pregnancy center. I found out about it a month ago and I just knew this was a baby shower I would not be trying to find some excuse for in not attending. I have to admit, I went to a local store and knew that I could find some bargains on clearance. The center has mainly asked for summer outfits, so that made it easier to find things on clearance. I could have bought the whole 50% rack, if only money grew on trees. I called J when I got off work and learned that he was working on a job and would be a few hours late getting home, so I decided then that this was the time to shop. I made up my mind that this was my grand opportunity to buy sweet girl outfits. I am always dreaming in the baby section, especially smitten to all the infant girls things, so this was my chance. They will need boy and girl things, so since I am forever buying for little boys this trip would be for girly things!!! I am the only girl on my whole side of the family under 32! All boys were born after me, so we have only really known little boys. Nothing against little boys, I promise. Their things are cute, but little flowers and sweet butterflies really are fun and so endearing. So, Life in Mazes got out of her comfort zone and had some fun picking out little sweet, girly things. Add in a few diapers and a toy and the work was done. I did add a few things that I got from my SIL which cleaned months ago when I was expecting. All the things we bought for our baby, J and I agreed that we are going to act in faith and keep those things so that we may be able to use them for the one that we will nurture in our own home.

On a more realistic note, the moment I walked into the store to shop, the song “Held” by Natalie Grant came on and I nearly walked out of the store . . . those words of the song are so true to my heart. I do feel like my cycle is ending. I was feeling crampy today and I am only at p+10. Only time will tell. I did mess up my hcg injection last night and was so sore. Instead of getting better at all of these things, I feel like I am losing my way. This was supposed to be a happy post and I want it to stay that way, so I am getting off of the subject of me!!! Hope yall enjoy the pictures. Sweet J listened to all of my stories of how adoption presented itself to me this weekend and he tried to get me to see it from the perspective of maybe I am getting better and will be able to carry our baby myself in my womb. Who knows, only God does, but here is the sweet part . . . the lady who will be receiving the gifts for the shower is the director of the crisis pregnancy center and they sometimes help women they minister to to place their babies with couples who are prepared for adoption placement. J said maybe you will make some connections at the meeting. I did not have the heart to tell him that we have to do a homestudy first bud. I think he is really holding out on the next few cycles working for us and I got a strong feeling today that maybe my baby is snugly in the womb of some woman right now. Where these thoughts come from, I don’t know, but I have to trust that maybe God is sending them to me to keep me hopeful!
Enjoy the pictures!

Graces

Healing graces is what I received this weekend! It was such a beautiful weekend and I learned so my about my loving Father and Jesus. I fell in love with scripture and the Eucharist all over again. The joy in my heart received a huge pick me up! I want to share some of the amazing graces of knowledge I received! I am tired, so I wull just post some pictures that I took during my reflection times. I prayed, journaled and took a few pictures. I do have to say that I prayed for you all, for all orphans, and families that will rise up to nurture the love of Christ in these orphans. I did keep receiving visions of adoption in everything. Nature speaks to me in a way that it may not to others, but I was just amazed at the graces of good vision of God's giftedness.
Anyway, here are a few pics from my weekend! I was surrounded by dragonflies and butterflies during my walks! What grace! Also, I took some time to get the courage to go to the momunent for the unborn. There was grace in the smallest steps. It is true that when we take the smallest step toward Christ, He runs to us! We fall into His embrace and recognize that love makes all things new!
Oh, one more thing, the dragonfly pictured here stayed with me there at the statue of Our Lady of Sorrows for the longest time! I think it was such a gift that I was met there with this dragonfly!

Retreat is still on! Update

I am going on a silent women's retreat this weekend. It starts this afternoon! I am excited to have some quiet time with God. I hope my soul is ready for any graces and gifts of the spirit He wishes to bestow! Did my blood draw for p+7 today. This is really getting old. That is all I am going to say about that, I don't think it would be so bad if the people at the lab were more pleasant.
I have had a super busy week and am so worn out. I got home yesterday from work, vacuumed the whole house, did three loads of laundry, cleaned all the toilets, and cooked dinner. Then I was so tired and could not fall asleep because my feet were so freaking cold. Absurdly cold!!! I had socks on and were burying them under J and they were still so cold. I finally got another blanket out of the closet and still kept my feet tucked under J and then finally drifted off to sleep. I am also noticing different ways that my body responds to hcg injections. I find that on the nights I administer the meds, I wake up alot to go to the bathroom, now this is not helpful to interrupt my sleep. I love sleep. I crave sleep!!
Anyway, know that I will be keeping you all in my prayers this weekend! I have to say that just this morning I was thanking God for your presence in my life, it sounds so silly but there is just absolutely no one in my area that understands what I am going through like you all do. I prayed for God to send me some friends who could understand my heart and even though we don't see each other face to face, I am so thankful He answered that prayer of mine. I just got a call that the preat leading the retreat I was going on is very sick. I am about to run and go get his prescription for him, but it looks like my retreat is cancelled. It sounds like He got what J and I had a few weeks ago. May we all keep him in our prayers. This is the priest who helped us prepare for our marriage and celebrated our wedding with us! He is very special to our hearts and such a servant of God.
After I got back from running the errand, I was told that they were able to find a replacement Retreat Master. I am excited! It is a retired older priest who has such a beautiful soul! I can't wait! I will be including you all in my prayers this weekend!

One year ago today

One year ago today I had my laparotomy with Dr. H in Omaha and I remember all of my nurses and that I was in room 4508! I can't believe it has been a year. I have had three surgeries in less than 11 months. It was with this surgery that all of my endo was removed and had the ovarian wedge resection, in additon to having the adhesions removed!!!!!!!!!!
I wanted to celebrate this day! It was a day of rebirth, healing, and brought new hope into our hearts. I remember trying to walk for the first time and tears streaming down my face as I thought there could not be anything more painful than that. Yet they were right in telling me that once I started walking, I would see myself getting better faster! I am so thankful that I am better and hope to be for awhile. This surgery was necessary for us to be able to conceive Nicky in April 2009! I do have to say that while I was recovering from this surgery, I wondered if I would ever want to have children, because if this is what it felt like to recover from a c-section, it would kick my butt! As I am writing this, I remember that it seemed that there were so many babies being born right near my room. Of course, they put me smack down in the middle of the maternity floor and I would hear newborn cries the whole time. At first I was resentful of this, then I was thankful because it led me to dream about the day I would one day find myself on a maternity ward for all the right reasons and I would wander off to sleep (with the help of some wonderful morphine) dreaming about seeing my babies for the first time and hearing their first cries. I do believe that this can happen. Today I am hopeful. Until I have no more means to nurture life . . .I will nurture my dreams of nurting new life in my womb.

Better Moments

I am always posting about all of my woes, so today I wanted to share three things I am thankful for today!
First of all, I found this article at www.ronrolheiser.com and it made me realize that all of my worries from the previous post were not needed to fill my thoughts.
Second of all, the priest I work with offered a mass for my Aunt this morning and it was so generous and kind of him to do this. He acknowledged that grief is natural and spent some time reflecting on that today was the Feast Day of Our Lady of Sorrows. There was a large bird flying outside and I could see it circling out the window and it just confirmed for me that my Aunt's spirit is free! Finally free!
Lastly, my mom's appt went okay today and since she has been feeling some pain in that breast where they found the cancer, they did another mammogram and ultrasound of the breast and realized that there is a fluid pocket and hopefully it will be better with time and with the pain meds. At least, the cancer did not return.
My life is so full right now and I just imagine that I can't possible handle anymore sorrow, but . . .Mary never ran from her cross, she reflected on things in heart.
I did have spiritual direction today and somethings surfaced about the disillusionment I was experiencing in being treated unkindly by the church that I have committed too. This is a new territory for me. I am realizing that I do love my faith, but not all people in leadership in the church have committed themselves to being servants for the body of christ. These is so much to take in and meditate on right now. I pray that God will use this to make me a more compassionate woman of God. I am continuing to have difficulty at work with some particular people and I asked God today, to help me to not let my temper get out of control, but to help me to develop the spirit of the saints I love so much who don't lash out when they endure a wrongdoing, but that they count it as one more way to suffer for Christ in love.

Avoiding

Avoiding days of fertility is no fun . . .and we have been unsuccessful. I have been panicking thinking how I will tell the nurse "No, we did use a day of fertility." Not that we will be punished or branded, but J and I are both really rule orientated people and we were sort of panicking about the possibility that we could conceive and that it would not be optimal circumstances (hormone wise) to conceive just yet and that we would have an outcome that we would not be happy with. I felt like a irresponsible teenageer being rebellious. Then last night, I did not make it home in time to take my regular meds and this morning I slept through taking the am meds. Seriously, I took a 4 hour nap today and just might not be able to go to sleep tonight. I just took my night time meds a few minutes ago, so I am getting back on the wagon, so to speak. I guess I was just worn out, emotionally, at least. We were laughing at ourselves, for the simple reason that we were nervous to be successful and then it not be the right time. How freaking silly is that? We have always been so infertile, that this is possibly new terrority. We just have no idea how this megadose of Clomid will change the course for us . . .this is completely crazy. J was so ready to stop this whole idea of avoiding and I praying that we were not so reckless as to mess up our future fertility. I am afraid of being lucky enough to become pregnant and then my body is ntw well enough to help keep the pregnancy viable or to have another ectopic pregancy and that I would not be so lucky to make it out of that trauma again. At one point at the funeral on Saturday, I looked down the aisle and saw all of my family grieving, visiting, and comforting each other and I realized with such clarity that I was lucky that they did not have to do this for me in May. My life was in such danger, yet God chose to spare me. I am feeling silly for being so worried, but I can't help it. I am praying that God's grace will protect me and help me to not be worried about the possibility that we could conceive when we are fully open to life and the possiblity of adding children to our family. The thing is I have spent so mnay years not having much of a chance to conceive and then I really had no reason to be afraid of conception. The bottom line is that I need to trust God. I need to trust him fully and that if He chooses to breathe new life into my womb, He desired to do so . . . we are co-creators with Him. We cannot bring new life into my womb by ourselves. So, this will be a tough 2ww. It has been nice just waiting for cd1 and not worrying about if I had a chance at becoming pregnant. This just all seems so nuts. My goal is a pregancy, a health pregnancy. I will abandon myself to God's will, isn't that what I have been doing all along? I just pray also that if a new life is beginning, God will bless that life with a healthy birth, and a full life in glorifying God!

Sad Day

Today was a hard day. Since my aunt died so unexpectedly and had no life insurance because of previous medical conditions and she was divorced from her husband for legimiate reasons and only had one living son . . .we were very limited in setting up how we would have liked to celebrate her life and have closure. Her ex-husband had complete control of choosing how things went because he was the father of her only child so he decided to cremate her because there was not much money to pay for a casket, burial, etc. My family has never had anyone cremated and we were blown away. The funeral home understood this, so they gave us two hours of visitation for immediate family only on Thursday and then we had the memorial service today. We expected the church (Catholic) where she was registered to offer some emotional support to the family but they told my family that if there was no box, there would not be able to provide any supportive services (prayers, rosary, rites at a funeral, etc). Needless to say I researched this and from what I found this is not the position of the U.S. Bishops. I will be finding out the position of our diocese next week. My mom and one of my aunts are methodist and their minister helped us out and led the Memorial service today and it was a nice tribute. I am just so disappointed that I feel the church failed to support my family during this loss. I understand that priests are human, but there is just so many hurt feelings that someone could turn away my family during this time.
Well, enough about the bad things. We did have some time to remember some of our fondest memories of my aunt and we were able to sing some of her favorite church songs during the service. There has just been so many losses in our life lately, that I just feel that it just might never end. My tears were plentiful today, but I am trusting that while we may be hurting, she is not!
We were able to celebrate her son's birthday yesterday. I baked and decorated a cake for him and I gave him a big, framed picture of him and his mom from one of the ones I took of them from Christmas along with a new hat. He was so happy with the picture. That made my heart full. He is having some tough days and they will continue, but since we knew that she had other health problems, we had suggested she write letters to him and we found the letters she wrote to him and his godmother will be giving them to him in a few weeks when he has a chance to sort of take everything in. Like we all know, grief never ends, it just changes.
Dearest Abba,
I am trusting that you are in control of this situation and I pray that you allow me to know that your peace reigns. I am thankful that your Father's house has many dwelling places that you have prepared for our loved ones. In a new way, I understand what it means to love my heavy, rough, splintery cross so that I can appreciate the crown I will receive when you call me home. Amen.

Bad Side Effects

I got my prescription of the hyrdocort on tuesday afternoon and planned to start taking them on wednesday morning. I took the first one with breakfast and had a horrible headache develop slowly all day and then I took the second one with lunch (after the meal) and got so very sick. I had the worst nausea and the slightest movements would make me want to vomit. Sorry for being so blunt, but it was horrible. In the midst of all of this, I got a call at work from my mom who never calls me at the office to tell me that one of my dear aunts died all of the sudden at 9:00 that morning and we were not expecting her to die. She was only 45 and had been having some mild chest pains the night before but refused to go to the hospital and then when she woke up she tried to call 911, but they arrived a little too late. The saddest part is she was very ill with many concerns and depression was very difficult for her so she no longer worked full time out of the home, but tried her best to give her son a good life with his mom. Her son will turn 14 tomorrow. He is very sad and I can't even imagine how horrible the feelings of loss are for him since this was so unexpeted. Well, I tried to be with my family after I left work, but I was miserable from the meds, stress, I don't know what it was. I barely made it home before I had to plop in front of the ceramic throne in the bathroom. I hate throwing up and once I did my stomach settled down. My head continued to throb all evening and through the night. J tried to get me to eat, but I could barely eat the kids buger he got me from BK. I was supposed to cook for him last night, but I could barely walk without getting sick to my stomache. I am really tired of being sick and I wonder if I would ever be okay to care for children if we were lucky enough to have one by any means. By now you all know that I don't really mind which way I get to become a mother, I just want to love a child that I can care for and who will need me to be their mommy. Anyway, so this post seems to be going in circles. I took today and tomorrow off to spend some time with my family for the funeral and while it took everything out of me to get out of bed, shower, dressed, and to that funeral home today, I did it, but was unable to stay the whole afternoon. I still had not eaten anything or taken my meds, so I left my family at noon, picked up some chicken and came home and ate. I also got a regular, caffine coke to go with my meal. I had not had caffine in probably 4 days so I don't know if that is what happened with the headache or not. Right now, I am feeling much better and am watching the rain.
In regard to my last post, I guess once you write about it, something changes. I saw 10KL twice yesterday and once so far today. Someone reminded me to drink lots of water and so even though I felt so bad, I kept drinking water. Thanks alot for helpful suggestions.
So, I am really confused about what to do about the new meds to help with the adrenal issues I am having. I believe that I must need the meds, but those are side effects that I can't live with. I was not functional at all. I fell asleep in my chair in the living room at 8:00 pm. I don't really know if my reaction to the death is what had me so sick, or the meds, of the lunch that I had at work. There was some kind of pork and gravy with some kind of alcohol that was used to tenderize the meat and that could have not agreed with my stomach. I don't drink alcohol at all because it makes me sick, so this could have been a factor. I have been eating a whole lot less lately bc of my tooth and I have been trying to get this to work to my advantage so I can lose some pounds. I am so happy to report that I have lost about 8 lbs lately. I hope it stays off and I can lose even more.
I told J that at least my Aunt gets to meet our babies and her baby that she loss because of an ectopic pregnancy. While we are so sad that she is no longer with us to cut-up and celebrate life's milestones, we are so thankful she is no longer in pain or suffering. We are terribly sad that she will not see her son get married or finish school or meet her grandchildren here on earth, but she will always live on in our hearts. I used to spend alot of my summers with her and we would always go to the beach and tan or go to themeparks. She was fun and was a phenomenal dancer. She was very creative and could make about anything. She was wonderful in arranging flowers and worked for many years in a flowershop. She loved being a mother and loved her family. I think that is a life well lived. May she forever rest in peace.

Dry as Desert thanks to clomid!

Dry. . . this is a good way to describe so many things right now. I am just feeling so dry spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I am staying tired. I am managing to get past this bug that has been taking residence in my body, but not a moment too soon. I still have some awful coughing spells, but overall better. In a very personal note, I am having nearly non-existent CM. I thought maybe it was the illness affecting things or the shot I got, but it is still not improved. I talked with a nurse today and she reminded me that the Clomid dries you out. What in the world. We need some cooperation here!!! I told her that I am already taking the B6 and Fertile CM. She reminded me that I am on a very high dose of clomid (cd3-50mg, cd4-100mg, cd5-100mg, cd6-100mg, and cd7-50mg) and this is probably what is messing with the CM. I am really disappointed and just feeling so overwhelmed by the meds, charting, phone calls, and consults. How will I be able to tell if I ovulate? I need to be able to figure out my Peak day so that I can get the p+7 draw to find out what level my hormones are at and if they are in a safe zone for J and I to try to conceive. You have to have great CM to ovulate right or can you be fertile and still not observe any 10, k, or s? I did see 8k one time this weekend? Could this be all I see?
This blog is full of questions. I am going crazy. I keep having hot flashes. I am questioning everything I observe? The only thing that I have going for me is that I am not crying all the time, now I am just ready to bust everybody in the face if they don't do everything EXACTLY the way I want!!! I am not even kidding.
This weekend was hard for me . . family gatherings and IF do not make for a happy day. I told J that I am tired of having to be around people with children. How sad is that? I would miss out on some really wonderful people and friends if I refused to open myself up to the fertile world. It is still hurts to see people have children easily and then never care for them the way they deserve. It makes my heart sick. There are so many worries on my heart these days . . . I don't know how to keep a good perspective on things these days. It is hard to see my mom not feel well, she battles depression and I am still not convinced that she is safe from all that terrbile cancer. Family events stress me out!
It is time to end this horrible post. If any of you have had some experience like this on the clomid, please let me know. I could use some perspective or some words of hope.

Adrenal Issues & Ramblings

I am so thankful to be feeling better. I made it to work today and only had a few coughing spells. J is feeling better too, thank goodness. Thanks for all the prayers.
When I checked the mail today, I got a letter saying that my questionaire for adrenal fatigue was "scored" by the doctor and that I do show a mild/moderate adrenal reserve deficiency. Add that one to the list. Going off of the literature that I received about it medical uses and the issue of adrenal fatigue, I learned that my level of 9.9 was about way below then typical normal levels of 20-30.
Yet, once I read all of the precautions and even though they say that they are few side effects with such a low dose, it still concerned me. Did anyone else have this reaction? I need to call the nurses to see about calling out the prescription. I will have to take the meds four times a day. It seems that all of the puzzle pieces coming together that are affecting my fertility is overwhelming. I am so ready to just be well. This cycle is already so different than the last one and I am worried about it although there is little I can do about it at this point.
I am so ready to try to have a baby. Yet at the same time when I was taking my walk at lunch today, a green dragonfly met me and stayed with me for awhile. As you all know, I seem to miss our Nicky more when I see dragonflies because their presence to me in the beginning my pregnancy brought me so much hope. Well today, when I saw that dragonfly it reminded me that no matter if we are able to conceive again or are allowed to be chosen to take a child into our family through the miracle of adoption, I will still never get to know that baby that is not with us anymore. I will not know our Nicky on this side of heaven. It was a peaceful kind of reminder that having another baby will never replace all of things we will miss in not being able to parent our baby here on earth. Each day that brings me closer to our due date for Nicky is so sad to me. It is not something that is making it hard to go through the day, it is just the subtle reminders that the world does not stop turning when your world feels like it is falling apart.
Yesterday, while J and I were in the waiting room to see the doctor, we say the NBC morning show and they did a feature about suffering through miscarriage and how women have been trained to suffer silently and we are just now learning to talk about our pain and how reaching out to other women who are hurting like us is so helpful to help us to stop blaming ourselves and wondering if we will ever be able to have children. As I watched the lady who did the interview (she miscarried four children) and Meredith V also acknowledged that she, too, miscarried four children. I was so validated as to how I have dealt with my own suffering of losing a child before I ever held them or kissed them. I can't say I did not know them, my soul did know them. My soul still feels their presence at times. That is grace. I just still get so sad that other women have to experience the same suffering I endure. The longing, the questions, the fears, the tears, the feelings of failure. They expressed how these feelings come in waves. This is true, but it is not limited to miscarriage, feelings of fear, hopelessness, worry come with IF too. One of the ladies mentioned that people would always tell her that she was lucky that miscarried so early in the pregnancy because it is assumed that the longer you are pregnant the harder it is to grieve a loss of a pregnancy. She correctly addressed this issue by saying that to say most people who are pregnant have been dreaming of this pregnancy, this baby since they met the person they wanted to make a family with. The dream is changed. I think she said the dream is lost, but after dealing iwth IF and two losses, I know that the dream is changed.
In the past few days, I have been finding myself thankful that J and I were instrumental in bringing two new souls into being with God. I am trying to just accept that my life can still be full in this knowledge that life here on earth is just part of my life, it not my whole life. I have my eternal home in Heaven. Knowing that I will spend eternity in the presence of my loving Father in Heaven is bringing me comfort these days. Knowing that my two babies are already there is comforting too, there is no pain there, no illnesses, no want. I trust that they are in the loving arms of our Holy Mother. I remember with Nicky, I tried to sing to them and the only song that would always come into my mind and heart to sing was "Hail Mary, Gentle Woman". I would sing this song to our sweet Nicky all the time. My prayers for the rosary were consistent, and I would always ask for our Blessed Mother's intercession when I would feel the slightest fear or pain. A few weeks ago I shared with J that it occured to me that I was teaching our little one about their Holy Mother. I was preparing them in a way that I did not understand, to trust and be in love with our Holy Mother. I found this so comforting to my sould that in my own way I prepared our little one for heaven. When they were welcomed into our Blessed Mothers arms they already knew her, loved her, and trusted her and knew that she would take care of them just like she cared for her own son, Jesus. When I shared this with J, his response made my heart soar. He quietly told me that "I guess that was your mother's instinct." To have my motherhood validated, to have know that I was a good mother for the short time I was caring for my little one made me feel like I did the right thing and that there was no failure on my part. I made myself vulnerable to God by being open to life and he used me to mother a child. This week I told someone that it was a miracle that we conceived again. I am so glad that I can realize this and not just focus on the loss.
I still don't know what the future holds for us. I don't know if we will be chosen to parent children here on earth, I can pray for it though. I can hope.

We are both sick!

J and I are so sick. We both had high fevers last night, J's up to 102. I was actually getting scared last night bc my fever just would not break. We had cold rags on our head, necks, etc and made a beeline to the doctor this morning. We are both off of work. I am on cd 11 and when the doctor asked me when my last cycle started, J answered before me in saying eleven days ago, how funny is that? At least my husband is aware. I was in the dr's office so I missed my 9 am meds and I need to take my fertile cm and b6. I am really screwing up this cycle. Good thing we are not ttc this cycle. I did end up getting a shot and J got some oral meds. He regrets not getting the shot. They told me I would be better by this afternoon. I don't know how these meds will affect my cycle. Most probably a delayed peak day. Anyway, just an update. I am watching wife swap, I love that show - I love to see the light bulb go off in finding a new way to parent and relate to your spouse. I guess that is the social worker in me. Good gracious, I am realizing that I haven't referred to myself in that way in a long time. I sort of miss helping people, but I don't miss the stress. Maybe one day I will find the perfect match for me. Know that I am praying for you all.
I am off to relax and take a nap, Baylie has made herself comfortable on my chest. As soon as I woke up, I stripped the bed and washed all the linens since we spent the night trying to sweat out our fevers. We were so sick last night, we didn't do the dishes, so when I got home I cleaned the kitchen, remade the bed with clean linens and am ready to just unwind.

3rd TRIP

Yes, today I went for my third trip to the freaking dentist. Thursday of last week, one of my teeth began to bother me so first thing friday I called to make an appt before the weekend. Well, my dentist was out of town for a week, but they recommended two other dentists. Then to find a dentist that works on friday is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I thought that I had struck gold in finding a dentist. Well, the first visit went well (I thought) and they were very kind. Well, after I get home and all of the pain meds wear off I realized the problem was still there. So I nursed a fever much of the weekend, ate on only one side of my mounth, and only drank lukewarm water on the one side of my mouth. I could think of a thousand better ways to spend the weekend. Well, on Monday it still hurt, so I went back and they said that they just needed to adjust my bite and that the pain would be gone by tomorrow (today). Needless to say, they gave me no pain meds or numbing stuff while they worked on my bite (which was not the real problem) and I was two seconds away from beating all of them up, good thing I am a christian. Well, I waited and HOPED that I would miraculously wake up today pain free, but that was not to be. I went in for the third time today and he drilled out the old filling and refilled it. If it is not fixed this time I swear I want to turn him into the ADA!!! But only after getting myself to a real dentist. Now I feel like I am coming down with a sore throat and all of this would have to be happening right before a long weekend. I am hoping I am better by the weekend so I can try to have some fun and good relaxiation! I would like to say that I am offering all of up, but you know what, I am not suffering well. I am whiny and pathetic. Suprised my sweet hubby can live with me.
One last thought, today someone that I know in passing and who knows my in-laws asked me if J and I had any kids. I openly said "Two, but both are in heaven." She seemed really taken aback and then opened up to me about how her sister is having all kinds of trouble with secondary infertility. In fact, she has one six year old and had four miscarriages with the last one just having had happen in the last month. This lady acknowledged how hard it is to talk to her sister bc she never feels like she can ever say the right thing to bring her sister comfort. She did try, but while others may thing it turned out ok, I was just really bothered by what she did. She invited her sister to see a healer. When they went to see the healer, he prayed over her and then told her she needed to pray, have faith, and trust. Who says this woman did not have faith, or trust, or prayed for that matter? Faith, trust, and prayers do not gurantee that you will not lose a baby or get pregnant.
I am amazed that I can be open at times, I guess God knows when to let me know that it is time to be vulnerable so that a door can be opened. I shared some information with this lady and I hope that somehow medical intervention can help this woman be able to bring new life into her family. Nothing is ever easy, but when you are dealing with something so difficult it can be so disheartening when the people you love the most dismiss it as a lack of faith issue.
I wish I could give Kudo awards to those who get it right!

One last thing, last night, I rocked and put my youngest godchild/nephew to sleep and watching those little eyes locked in step with my as he was drifting of too sleep nearly broke my heart into a million pieces. When will it ever end?