There are some very sweet and beautiful little girls in my life that I always try to buy something very special for each Christmas. The girls just melt your heart and are little saints that God uses to bring me joy. I try to buy them something that will build up their faith life and I found this fabulous children's book that shares the story of Our Lady of Lourdes. It tells of a young girl with great faith who grew to be a woman of even greater faith. The young girl's name was Bernadette, which I am sure most of you are very familiar with this story. Well, when Bernadette was a young girl Our Lady revealed herself to Bernadette and grew to love Our Lady. A part of the book explains that when Bernadette was in her 30's she was delicate and had been given the sacrament of the Annointing of the Sick 3 x's. When she was 35 she grew even sicker and was dealing with great suffering. When she was sick and full of pain, she prayed "O Jesus, when I see your cross, I forget my own." When she desired to no longer be sick and wished to be us and doing work, she learned to say "I am at my work." When people asked her, what work she was doing, she would answer "Being sick."
Bernadette would say "When one is the bride of Jesus Christ, in any physical or mental pain, one must only say 'Yes, my God' without any "if's" or "but's".
When I read this, I realized I am surely not yet living in the model of this saint. Each month, nearly every day, I am reminded that my body is different than most people that I know and that it really will be a miracle when I am blessed with Motherhood. I want so badly to mother my own child. When I write my own child, I do not mean biological child, I mean one that is for keeps in this lifetime. One that I can nurture and instuct in the loving ways of God. I really do believe that I will be able to have children one day, it is the waiting that has me cringing. I don't want to take meds forever, but I do want to be well. I am not going to let these blues steal my Christmas joy. By the way, I am saying this a few days before having to be around tons of babies and fertile familiy members who have loose tongues and offer stupid advice, although well meaning. I skipped mass today so that I could go to my Mom's church this evening, she is Methodist and she has a wonderful church community and they are having a "Blue Christmas Celebration" It is for those who may not feel so jolly around this time of year and this is an event that brought my mom to renewed faith in God a few years ago and then one of my aunts last year. I want to spend time with family. None of my other close family is Catholic and do ever join us for Mass, but I want to do this for my mom. It will be a suprise for her. My husband is joining me. I pray that my hurting spirit can find joy amidst my suffering at this time. I thought about writing a list of things I am grateful for, but may do that later.
I want to be a saint one day and all of the saints I know suffered quietly, sort of like me. I pray that joy will be my reward!
UPDATE:
I had an amazing time with my family tonight and the service helped me realize that most people have "real" christmases. A real christmas is mixed with joy and sorrow. Even Mary and Joseph's first christmas was real. It did not turn out the way they planned but they followed God's will for their lives, so I am in good company. - C -
I love this post. I have seen "Song of Bernadette" and knew the story of young Bernadette, but never knew about her adulthood. She is such an inspiration, and clearly a Saint.
ReplyDeleteI think you're closer to sainthood than you think. Look at how patient and faithful you have been for 8 years!! God Bless you! You make me put my "suffering" in perspective.
My sister's name is Bernadette. :) She is definately not quiet. :)
ReplyDeleteI love the reflection of when I see your cross dear Lord I forget my own. Beautiful! Truthfully, I can not begin to fathom a cross like that....But I get it.
I wish I could be more quiet. I feel like my blog exposes my suffering. And that maybe I need to be more prudent about it instead of an open book.
But I agree with TCIE-Your post put my suffering into perspective-because my cross could be much worse, but it is the worse thing imagineable for me, make sense? IF is where God wants us. At least we have a kin sisterhood here in blogland. :)