Just a few thoughts

Let preface this post with a reason that I added this image. When I first stated working at my present job, I found this picture (along with some others with Jesus and children at different stages of development) and this single picture brought me so much healing. I don't know who the artist is, but I do know that when I saw this image, I fully understood why Jesus would allow mothers like me to experience a miscarriage. Not to say that I understood everything about it, but I could see on Jesus' face the love that he has for my baby and all the other babies who not allowed to know their parents in this world. I saw just how much God loves these little ones and I had peace that my child was in the presence of God and surrounded by love. When anyone I am close to is near death, I ask them to find my "Sam" and love them for me! They are always so pleased that I asked. I probably sound like a lunatic, but this is me in all my crazy glory :) Warning, the next few thoughts may not be any more sane than the ones above :)

Today on my way to work, I was listening to one of my favorite Christmas songs and was bobbing my head just singing while waiting for the red light to turn green and suddenly realized that there were tears coming down my face. I remembered singing that particular song at Christmas play when I was in the 3rd grade. I think that that was probably my best christmas ever. I just suddenly realized just how lonely Christmas can be without the fun of preparing for children to enjoy the holiday. We will not be making the trip to my grandma's old house to be with some of my family becasue there is just alot of tension with lots of people wanting to claim my grandma's old house without buying out the other siblings shares and these are these so called "Fertile People" who do not appreciate their children and have sense done everything to prevent having other children. In fact, one year ago, we had two of these children living with us as the family got their priorities straight and got into better health. As you can see, my life has changed drastically since last year. This particular mother (my aunt who is a widow and in poor mental and physical health) left the youngest child in our care for the next 2 mo. and this was okay bc we truly felt that he deserved to be in a loving environment. Well when we told her she had to get back on her feet bc her children loved and only truly wanted the love of their mother, she took them back into home but it never got better, but there are lots of people watching and praying. I have since, by the grace of God, allowed my heart to mend and realized that I did not have in it me to do foster care bc there is no way I could let a child that I have come to love go back to an abusive or neglectful home. Yesterday, I got to see my dear friend who was able to adopt the most beautiful little girl. There was such a deep, heartfelt jealousy in my heart that I tried to send on its way, but I just keep being reminded that my friend loves her daughter very much but she would also love to give birth to a child one day, too. I keep praying that God's plan will allow for my family to grow. My husband believes that God will bless us with a healthy pregnancy and a beautiful child in the old fashioned way, by my heart is just so ready to mother a child now. I sound so sad, but I feel that way right now. Just got caught up on my charting (I know, shame on me!) and it is actually looking pretty good. The only thing that has me really concerned is that days 1-8 were red stickers and the last two were VL B (to me, it was the lightest hue of brown, almost dark yellow, so it might not be so bad). Then days 9-12 are green stickers. The last time I spoke with the nurse, she seemed like this was nothing unusual at this stage in the game, so I am still hopeful. On a more positive note, I still at 25 lbs. lost since March/April. I gained almost 8 lbs after my surgery and return to work and it is just now going away agian, praise God. I guess this is enough rambling. I guess reminding myself of some good things, I am actually in better spirits and no more tears :)
By the way, I think that another reason I am not anticipating Christmas this year is bc my mom is so sick. In the back of my mind I know that she is getting great medical care, but I can't shake the gut feeling that I cannot take one single moment with my mom for granted this year. I wish I could make her a grandma soon. I am so afraid of what could happen if she continues to stay ill. I cannot even type what my biggest fear is. She is praying so hard for a grandbaby and I see the excitement and joy as she talks about how their arrival will change our lives forever.
God, I give you all my joys, fears, anxieties, worries, and dreams. You are the master of the land and sea and of my body and my family. I trust you and everything rides on hope now. My faith will somehow see me through. Please let me trust in the love you have for me. AMEN.