Desiring Balance in my life

I am going throught so many emotions about fertility and infertility these days that I am not ever sure what direction I am going in anymore. I am currently on cd 29 and this is suprising. Since my surgery in 9/08, my cycles have been at 28 in length or shorter. It is a terrible feeling to be really deep, deep in your heart hoping against all realistic reason that God could have blessed you with a pregnancy and you get disappointed that your period has not shown up yet! I seriously do not know what is going on with me anymore. All of my typical signs, like lower back pain, breast tenderness, and mood swings are not making themselves evident like they were a few days ago and I am not really sure what to make out of it all.
The other day when I fount out that my blood work is not the results we really were hoping for, I just got so down! I am truly afraid that my body will go back to the old way it was before surgery. It occured to me that it might really take 18 months to be able to conceive (if we are blessed enough to conceive at all) and then you factor in the 9 months gestation and I realized that it might be 27 months before I might be able to hold my own crying, beautiful baby in my arms! I say crying becasue I can just picture myself in the hospital having just given birth and holding my baby for the first time and seeing the awe and wonder in my husband's eyes as he beholds God's gracious gift! I can even see the joy on my doctor's face. I want to believe that this will all happen. I truly believe it will!!! I just can't imagine it being another 2 years and 3 months from now! I am going to be turning 32 on Feb. 1, 2009 and I feel so old. All of the teens from my confirmation classes (my husband and I taught for about 5 years before deciding that we needed some sanity back in our lives, haha) are showing up in church with their beautiful babies! The best part of all of this is that they are making great moms. I am just so filled with envy and I know that this is not of God! At least at this time, I can at least look at a infant without crying my eyes out!
On Thursday evening I pulled a muscle in my back and one of the ladies who is directing retreats at my job is trained in Reiki and she massaged and rubbed my back as she prayed for healing. The pain did not subside immediately, but by that evening I was feeling better! God is good and I am so glad she ministered to me in that way! She is such a wonderful lady and she knows my story and one day, just told me that she did not conceive easily, but at least she was able to concevie and carry two children to term. I am thankful she did as well! It is so strange to be surrounded by so many fertile women and then at the same time to be surrounded by so many women struggling to be fertile. I don't know why God gave me this cross to bear and right not if someone offered to take it away, I would never think twice about letting it go! I have learned so many lessons about the heart of God along this journey, but I feel I have more questions now, than before. Those questions do not have to be answered by God and I am content to know that when I finally am embraced by Him in heaven, all of those worries for not being able to conceive easily will be washed away! I will just be thankful to be in His presence. My prayer this advent is to fully recognize that God is ENOUGH! His grace is ENOUGH! There is nothing that I lack. I am almost driven to give up this all-consuming desire to get pregnant! Let go of this all-consuming desire to mother a child in this world! This is not because I do not want children and I will not stop being open to life, but I am just wondering if I should keep pursuing this when God may be wanting me to use my energy and gifts in some other way to further his kingdom at this time. Even as I write this, I don't see how I could move away from this current stage in my life. I don't think that this current path that I am on should be my only purpose right now. I never inteneded it to be, it just becamse all consuming. I have poured all of my energy, my desires, my resoucese, and even my leisure time into pursuing new life. I am ready to move on. I want to make it to the next stage. I am tired of being in this infertile, always waiting to see what my body wants to do stage. I want the motherhood part. I just wanted to be balanced again.

God, help me to be satisfied with your great love for me and the gifts you bless me with at this time! Help me to find a delicate balance between striving to bring new life to our family and your family with being able to find true joy in the life you have given me! Amen.