Trying to be in Good Spirits

I am just writing really quick to rejoice in the fact that I am officially off for the Christmas break. I will not have to return to work for 12 more days. My sinus pain has cleared up some and I finally had some P type CM. I am really scatterbrained right now and I hope that it improves. It seems that I wake up early on days that I am off and wanted to sleep in when I need to head to the office. I know, woe is me. I still have to wrap my husband's gifts. I think he will be very excited with what I picked out for him. I am still hoping to optimize these days ahead to TTC if that is possible. I keep thinking that maybe I will have a christmas baby . . . . just in a way different version of the phrase. We have chosen our boy and girl names and I just have to say that it would be very fitting if this would happen. I really try hard not to get my hopes us, but I am just doing so much better on my charts than I ever have before and I think that it is really important for me to be hopeful at this time. It may be my only way to truly survive the holidays with our families. I just keep hoping that God will bless me with a child soon. But today I read the infancy narratives from the Gospel of Luke for my meditation and when John was born, Elizabeth declared that "God saw fit to remove from me the shame of my barreness." I probably just botched up the scripture, but it just reminded me that it was God's idea and I will just have to wait on God. By the way, sorry this post is so all over the place, but on the fourth sunday I advent, I really rejoiced because I learned that the waiting did come to an end. God's plan was fulfilled. I really had the deep hope that my waiting would soon end too. I was telling someone something about my day yesterday and they just looked at me and asked me "Are your pregnant?" I said NO, knowing I probably did not even O yet. Well, they were insistent in saying, "Well, you just might not know it yet." I lifted up my suffering up to God. I just responded to them that I really did not care if I got pregnant or if my child came to me through adoption. I was just ready to be a mother and for my husband to be a father. They completely understood, but if I would have said that to my husband, he would have got upset. He wants us to really just put all of our eggs in the one basket of conceiving naturally. I don't know why I am still so open and hopeful for adoption and God and I really had an out loud heart to heart talk yesterday about it while I was driving. I wondered if maybe he truly wants me to let go of adoption. So far, alot of the doors we pursued closed tightly in our faces. The only thing that has really worked out so far was learing the CrMS model and applying it and then becoming the patients of PPVI. Yesterday, I saw my local ob/gyn who is probably one of the most kind men I have ever met in my life and I show him all of my charts. I have four full charts at this point and sometimes I wonder why this road has taken us so long. Well, I just let the charts speak for themselves and he was utterly amazed. He actually said "Wow, it is actually starting to look like a normal, healthy woman's chart." He was really suprised that it was just the surgeries that brought all of this on. He assumed I was taking Progersterone injections still. I guess there is more good going on than not. My husband is really struggling to find the gift he wants to get me this year, last night I told him, that gift I most want cannot be found at a store and bought with money. He knew where I was going with that. I really wanted to say that I wish his heart would grow enough to be able to pursue adoption of any child God wishes to send to us. I have been at this place a long time and I know that couples have to work this out at their own pace, but I am still hopeful. It seems that adoption is the theme of our lives, every movie or show we watch talks about adoption, and the news stories. The stories from the bible reminding me that Joseph was Jesus's father through adoption. There was no formality in it all, he simply is referred to in scripture as Jesus' father. Joseph was called for a very high purpose, just as Mary. I am so glad they accepted their mission. All of that being said, I really believe that my husband is following the leading of the holy spirit in his life at this time. He is very good at discernment and I have really been wondering if adoption is what God is calling us to and there are things that are leading me to believe that God's wants to bring new life to my womb for His purposes and not my own. I can see the fruit of him bringing it to pass this way, because there are so many people praying and this may be the way that God uses to bring the message of CrMS and the work of the PPVI to my little corner of the world. I just keep praying that God will use me as his witness, his instrument. In the words of Our Lady, "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord."
One last thought, as I was leaving my doctor's office yesterday I turned around and told my doctor, "So hopefully we will be see more of each other in the new year and for GOOD things!" He smile and excitedly said "Hopefully so!" Everything rides on hope now. There is a song with that line it its chorus.
Romans 5:3 "rejoice in our suffering, suffering produces perseverance, perseverance - character, and character -HOPE."