Happy New Year

Well, it is time to begin a new year and I am excited to see what just what is waiting for us in 2009! Today has been a great day, I had to get up early to go get my P+7 bloodwork done before the lab closed early. It was a very interesting morning at the lab, I have a feeling I have gone there a little too often, because I am getting to be on a first name basis with staff there and recognize all of the employees! The lady who drew my blood today was the same one who hurt me so bad when I did my Insulin Resistance test, so I had to figure out a way to get her in a good mood before she shot me up with the needle. Well, I prayed for God to give me a window of opportunity to make a connection with her and God provided so very well. Suprise, suprise! I happened to see her nametag and it just happens to be the name we have chosen when we are blessed with a little girl. I shared this with her and let her know how beutiful we believe the name to be and why we believe that this a perfect name for a beautiful girl/woman of God. This led me to have a beautiful conversation about the graciousness of God. She mentioned that she hoped that God would wipe the tears from her face and I told her I think that he does this for all of us, but sometimes we are not always aware of it and his presence in our pain. I truly believe that God allowed me to meet her and share some hope with her. You never know where IF will lead you. As I was walking out of the lab, she stopped me and said "I sure hope your little girl comes to you soon." It was like she was singing a lullaby to my hurting heart. I really believe tht God sends me angels every single day and sometimes more than one a day.
Well, tonight I made my husband a simple birthday dinner and he loved it. He is a New Year's Baby and I have a hard time planning something big bc he really does not like to celebrate his birthday. He shared this birthday with his grandma who passed away before we met. I have his birthday cake cooling now and I will ice it later. We will be hanging out with our close friends after we have lunch with his family for New Year's dinner. They go all out for New Year's dinner and so it will be busy. The one thing he is looking foward to is opening the small gifts I got for him.
Here is a quick review of how I spent 2008!
Jan - did the big bloodwork profile which showed dr. hilgers that I was having very dysfunctional hormone levels (I had very irregualr bleeding and when I would start, it never wanted to stop with out prometrium)
Feb - turned 31
March/April - stated a weight loss plan and began to take T3 and monitoring temps and pulses.
May/June - same old stuff, nothing new.
July - celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary & met with dr. hilgers at PPVI and the next day did the laparscopy and selective hsg. He found out that I have PCOS, endo (this is the first time I learned about this), adhesions in a few places (including my ovaries), but at least my tubes were great and clear. Lost 22 lbs to date. Told to use progesterone injections on designated dates of my cycle and did this once and it is starting to work out great.
August - recovering well and still doing the progesterone injections and I am actually having only seven days of bleeding and I now get to use green stickers! Get a call mid month and they schedule my next surgery for mid-sept. There is a lot to do before then. Evacuate for Hurricane Gustav with all of my inlaws, mom, and Daisy. What fun. We also finally close on the Road Home Program which is helping us to recover from losing our home to Hurricane Rita (yes, we got some from Insurance and Fema, but not enough to really start over, we had to use everything we had to put a new mobile home on our land. Not what we had in mind, but my philosophy was I would rather save my money to have babies, than worry about having a large home with possibly empty rooms for God knows how long.)
Sept - make it back from evacuating for gustav and then begin to prepare for the trip to Omaha and two days before our planned departure day, we are told we must evacuate for Hurricane Ike. We just pack up and leave a few days early and have to bring Daisy along for the ride because the vets will not take animals when there is a hurricane in the gulf and we had no family who could stay and care for her. She was overwhelmed with so much travel, but I was so glad to see her when I got out of the hospital and made my way to the hotel. The hospital stay went great and the surgery was determined to be a "10" by dr. Hilgers. He tells us we should be able to successfully conceive within 12 - 18 months. When we return, my Mom has surgery to remove lump in breast. Currently going through treatment and hanging in there.
Oct - recovering and loving to be at home
Nov. - finding that I am starting to chart well with no progesterone injections
Dec - first P+7 blood draw and the results were not what we wanted, but told that this is manageable. Start hcg injections and have a great month overall with family and friends.

Whew, what a year! God was very busy this year! I can't wait to see what He has in store for us in 2009!
I wish all of you a very joy, grace-filled, healthy and FERTILE 2009!

Thank God for Great Friends

First of all, just a quick note about the hcg shots. I was able to speak to a nurse today and she confirmed that we did well with mixing the meds. We did all the measurements right. Thank God. Then, I learned that 2000 units of hcg is equal to .5 cc's. They don't teach you that in high school or even college for that matter or I just didn't learn it. Well, it turns out that I only gave myself .2 cc's on Sat and I just gave myself the right dose of .5 cc's this evening. So far, so good. The nurse was very comforting and it was almost as if she understood why I would find this confusing, so it wasn't too bad for my feelings either. The call back from the nurse came really quickly too!
Well, now for the reason I am so thankful for good friends. I was able to spend the whole afternoon with my very dear friend Michelle. She is one of those friends who you instantly connect with and can share anything with, We met in college at the Catholic Student Center about 13 years ago. My I am getting old! She is now in Law School and lives several hours away so we don't get to see each other more than a few times a year, so when we do see each other we visit for a long time. She has been such a great friend to me and was my maid of honor at my wedding and is my friend who makes me feel sane. Thank God that I have at least one of them in my life that I get to see face to face. Next, as I was making my way home, I called another friend from college to see how her birthday celebration turned out on the 26th since we could not go celebrate with her. Well, it turned out that she was at home and wanted me to go by and let me know that another one of our very close friends was at her house. Well, when I showed up, I was bombarded with hugs from little ones. B/t the two of them, there are six children (4 girls and two boys - the youngest is one of my little godsons). Well there husbands were there and we just hung out for a few hours and us girls escaped for some shopping for about an hour and had some girl time. I met all of the above mentioned friends during my 2nd year at college and they are the friends you know that you can count on. I have learned so much about mothering from the two I visited with last and if I could be 1/2 the mother they are, I will be doing okay. I am also so thankful for my new blogging buddies. I feel so connected to you all because you share your hearts in the blogs and I do so as well. I really believe reading the words of you fellow bloggers has really kept my spirits up and my hope soaring in this time of transition. Thank you to everyone who had lent me support and encouragement. I don't take any of your for granted. Thanks for sharing your struggles on this journey.
Tomorrow I am bringing my Mom for her third chemo treatment. It will be a long day and I pray that God will give her the strength to handle it all. It is really taking it's toll on her and it is hard to watch, be supportive, and encouraging when I myself is worrying all the time. God's grace will see us through, he has not let me down yet!

questions about hcg injections

I administer my first hcg injection last night and the actual injection was very uneventful, but the prep left me nutty (see yesterday's post). I think that I did the right dosage, I will have to talk with the nurses tomorrow to reassure myself. Well, anyway, assuming I did it right, I am a little confused about how I am feeling. Overall, my emotions are pretty good, which is usually the first thing to go (HA). But as I was going to bed last night, I was so HOT! I could not get comfortable and just felt like I was burning up. Then I woke up chilly and piled the blankets on myself. I woke up around 8am to take my t3 and ran to the bathroom and discovered 10KL. My peak day was three days ago. I really wondered immediately if I could ever do anything right. What is wrong with me?? I then went into the kitchen and was hungry and we really need to go to the grocery store and one of the only things we still had in the refridgerator was some leftover chocalate cookie dough from the cookies for Christmas and so I made 6 cookies, and drank the rest of our milk. Then I headed back off to bed :(. Talk about a bum. And it is Sunday. Well, that is not it. When I finally woke up, it was 2:48 PM!!!!! I called my husband (he went hunting this morning with some friends) and he was already in our living room. He said did not crawl back in bed with me because he did not want to wake me up bc I looked completely passed out! What is up with me. Well, now we are fixing to have some lunch, he he. It is some great leftovers from last night. So I guess I have two questions. (1) does the hcg injections possibly make you really restful and sleepy? (2) Is it common to have a return of peak-type mucus with the intro of these meds?
thanks for any light you may be able to shed on this!!!!
Peace to you all!

First Day of hcg injections

The angels in heaven must have had a great laught at our expense tonight! I really thought my husband knew how to mix the meds, but I failed to realize that we would have to figure out how to convert mL, cc's, and units all in the midst of several seconds. I have never felt like such a freakin' idiot!! I know I completely gave my husband the most difficult time and I was definitely not very pleasant during that time. My dose is 2000 units on days P+3, 5, 7 , & 9. Easy right!!! Well, not for this nutty girl. My needle only went to one mL, so does this mean that I do .2 mL. I am still not sure if I did it right, I guess I will find out on monday when I call the nurses. I did try to call the local walgre.ens to get help from the pharmacist to explain the unit conversion, but I do not see how she ever graduated college with a pharmacy degree, bc she was totally lost as I read to her the exact directions from the nurses at the PPVI. I just really hope I did it right. If there is anyone out there with full knowledge of how to do this correctly wants to shed the light on this very simple procedure, please let me know.
On a much different note, I had a great day hanging out with my hubbie today. He brought me breakfast in bed today (just scrambled eggs and skim milk) then we spent the day doing things we put off all the time. We also had a great day yesterday hanging out with some of our friends and we just drove to TX and did some shopping. They like different wine, so they go to this speciality store over there and since we really don't drink any alcoholic beverages, we bought some imported WATER! We are still laughing about it today. I do have to say the water is fabulous. It is water from the Islands of FIJU which is natural artesian water. It is a treat. I always wanted to go to the FIJI Islands and this may be as close as I get! HEE HEE.
Anyway, life on my end of the world is going pretty good. I am thankful that things are so low key right now and the my sadness is not present at the moment. I compared my current chart to the ones in the book (CrMS Manuel) and it looks like I am improving slowly. I hope my interpretion is correct, it could be wishful thinking. I am curious to see how the addition of hcg will change my cycle. This is if I am administering it correctly. If not, there is always next month.

Merry Christmas

Silent Night . . . Holy Night!

It just hit me that in the silence there is holiness. God's grace has surely been with me today. I had an amazing day with my sweet husband and got to see all of immediate family either today or yesterday. I only shed tears one time today and it was during the prayers of the faithful at Mass. That is pretty good stats for the things I encountered today. The picture above is one of the gifts from my husband bc I have a devotion to Our Lady of Guadalupe. It is even more beautiful in real life. I hope that all of my fellow bloggers had a day of restored hope and were able to have the heart of a child while celebrating the beautiful life of Jesus.
On a completely different note, we watched the movie called "Martian Child" and it is now one of my favorite movies. Without giving to much away, it really affirmed my faith in God being my very loving father and one that will never, ever leave me. In addition to that reaffirmation of faith, I was given a book to read by one of the ladies who does retreats at the Retreat Center I work at and it has really brought me to a new awareness of the presence and personality of all the persons of the Trinity. It is called "The Shack" , I can't remember the author, but it is truly amazing and I would recommend it to anyone interested in growing in their faith.

Trying to be in Good Spirits

I am just writing really quick to rejoice in the fact that I am officially off for the Christmas break. I will not have to return to work for 12 more days. My sinus pain has cleared up some and I finally had some P type CM. I am really scatterbrained right now and I hope that it improves. It seems that I wake up early on days that I am off and wanted to sleep in when I need to head to the office. I know, woe is me. I still have to wrap my husband's gifts. I think he will be very excited with what I picked out for him. I am still hoping to optimize these days ahead to TTC if that is possible. I keep thinking that maybe I will have a christmas baby . . . . just in a way different version of the phrase. We have chosen our boy and girl names and I just have to say that it would be very fitting if this would happen. I really try hard not to get my hopes us, but I am just doing so much better on my charts than I ever have before and I think that it is really important for me to be hopeful at this time. It may be my only way to truly survive the holidays with our families. I just keep hoping that God will bless me with a child soon. But today I read the infancy narratives from the Gospel of Luke for my meditation and when John was born, Elizabeth declared that "God saw fit to remove from me the shame of my barreness." I probably just botched up the scripture, but it just reminded me that it was God's idea and I will just have to wait on God. By the way, sorry this post is so all over the place, but on the fourth sunday I advent, I really rejoiced because I learned that the waiting did come to an end. God's plan was fulfilled. I really had the deep hope that my waiting would soon end too. I was telling someone something about my day yesterday and they just looked at me and asked me "Are your pregnant?" I said NO, knowing I probably did not even O yet. Well, they were insistent in saying, "Well, you just might not know it yet." I lifted up my suffering up to God. I just responded to them that I really did not care if I got pregnant or if my child came to me through adoption. I was just ready to be a mother and for my husband to be a father. They completely understood, but if I would have said that to my husband, he would have got upset. He wants us to really just put all of our eggs in the one basket of conceiving naturally. I don't know why I am still so open and hopeful for adoption and God and I really had an out loud heart to heart talk yesterday about it while I was driving. I wondered if maybe he truly wants me to let go of adoption. So far, alot of the doors we pursued closed tightly in our faces. The only thing that has really worked out so far was learing the CrMS model and applying it and then becoming the patients of PPVI. Yesterday, I saw my local ob/gyn who is probably one of the most kind men I have ever met in my life and I show him all of my charts. I have four full charts at this point and sometimes I wonder why this road has taken us so long. Well, I just let the charts speak for themselves and he was utterly amazed. He actually said "Wow, it is actually starting to look like a normal, healthy woman's chart." He was really suprised that it was just the surgeries that brought all of this on. He assumed I was taking Progersterone injections still. I guess there is more good going on than not. My husband is really struggling to find the gift he wants to get me this year, last night I told him, that gift I most want cannot be found at a store and bought with money. He knew where I was going with that. I really wanted to say that I wish his heart would grow enough to be able to pursue adoption of any child God wishes to send to us. I have been at this place a long time and I know that couples have to work this out at their own pace, but I am still hopeful. It seems that adoption is the theme of our lives, every movie or show we watch talks about adoption, and the news stories. The stories from the bible reminding me that Joseph was Jesus's father through adoption. There was no formality in it all, he simply is referred to in scripture as Jesus' father. Joseph was called for a very high purpose, just as Mary. I am so glad they accepted their mission. All of that being said, I really believe that my husband is following the leading of the holy spirit in his life at this time. He is very good at discernment and I have really been wondering if adoption is what God is calling us to and there are things that are leading me to believe that God's wants to bring new life to my womb for His purposes and not my own. I can see the fruit of him bringing it to pass this way, because there are so many people praying and this may be the way that God uses to bring the message of CrMS and the work of the PPVI to my little corner of the world. I just keep praying that God will use me as his witness, his instrument. In the words of Our Lady, "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord."
One last thought, as I was leaving my doctor's office yesterday I turned around and told my doctor, "So hopefully we will be see more of each other in the new year and for GOOD things!" He smile and excitedly said "Hopefully so!" Everything rides on hope now. There is a song with that line it its chorus.
Romans 5:3 "rejoice in our suffering, suffering produces perseverance, perseverance - character, and character -HOPE."

Almost on Holiday

I just want to say that I was very sick today with all this terrible sinus mess and my dear sweet husband bought me a meal in town and then bought me some Tylenol Sinus meds. I swear, it is the only thing that works for me. I am on cd 15 and have had very little CM and I know this won't help. I don't usually have a lack of CM, but this really has me worried bc I usually have some by this time. I am hoping that somehow this could be a great sign. Wishful thinking, I suppose.
On another note, I am really trying to come to terms with accepting where I am on this journey of trying to become a mother. I just realized that God must be the reason I am desiring to be a mother so badly. I want to bring new life into this world. I will just be a steward in caring for this child, the child will always be God's child first and foremost. I believe that God has great plans for my fertility. I think that he is busy teaching me many valuable lessons that will get me through possibly more difficult times than what I am encountering now (heaven forbid). I feel that he gave me this desire in such a strong and powerful way so that I would desire to have the faith to make it through to reach this goal. I used to think that the desire I have for children was a malfunction in my personality, but as of this weekend, I am realizing that God intended to make me this way. I have allowed him to have his way in my life and there is no reason for me to stop doing so now. I may not understand his reasons for creating me this way, but I know that it has made me a better person. My heart is so open, so willing to do anything to build up his kingdom. My knowledge of the church and her teachings has grown immensely and it has transformed my life's mission. I can never, ever behold the sight of one human being and not be grateful that God saw fit to bring that person into my life and giving them life. I will never be able to take life for granted. Ever. New life, old life, a sad life, or a happy life. Life matters to me and it matters to God. I guess maybe He is bringing new life to me, it may not be a growing child in my womb just yet, but there are new beginnings of faith in my heart every day.

On a very happy note, I just have a few hours of work tomorrow and the majority of that is a big Christmas party. (I will then have 12 days off! My husband is off 11 of these 12 days - woo hoo!!!) I will also go and see my local ob.gyn before this to learn how to administer the hcg shots. I am looking foward to seeing him, haven't really had the chance to fill him in on how the surgeries have been helpful yet and would love for God to use me as a witness to him and hopefully inspire him to get training w/ Dr. Hilgers. He is very interested in the work of Dr. Hilgers.

Update: Joy and Suffering

There are some very sweet and beautiful little girls in my life that I always try to buy something very special for each Christmas. The girls just melt your heart and are little saints that God uses to bring me joy. I try to buy them something that will build up their faith life and I found this fabulous children's book that shares the story of Our Lady of Lourdes. It tells of a young girl with great faith who grew to be a woman of even greater faith. The young girl's name was Bernadette, which I am sure most of you are very familiar with this story. Well, when Bernadette was a young girl Our Lady revealed herself to Bernadette and grew to love Our Lady. A part of the book explains that when Bernadette was in her 30's she was delicate and had been given the sacrament of the Annointing of the Sick 3 x's. When she was 35 she grew even sicker and was dealing with great suffering. When she was sick and full of pain, she prayed "O Jesus, when I see your cross, I forget my own." When she desired to no longer be sick and wished to be us and doing work, she learned to say "I am at my work." When people asked her, what work she was doing, she would answer "Being sick."
Bernadette would say "When one is the bride of Jesus Christ, in any physical or mental pain, one must only say 'Yes, my God' without any "if's" or "but's".
When I read this, I realized I am surely not yet living in the model of this saint. Each month, nearly every day, I am reminded that my body is different than most people that I know and that it really will be a miracle when I am blessed with Motherhood. I want so badly to mother my own child. When I write my own child, I do not mean biological child, I mean one that is for keeps in this lifetime. One that I can nurture and instuct in the loving ways of God. I really do believe that I will be able to have children one day, it is the waiting that has me cringing. I don't want to take meds forever, but I do want to be well. I am not going to let these blues steal my Christmas joy. By the way, I am saying this a few days before having to be around tons of babies and fertile familiy members who have loose tongues and offer stupid advice, although well meaning. I skipped mass today so that I could go to my Mom's church this evening, she is Methodist and she has a wonderful church community and they are having a "Blue Christmas Celebration" It is for those who may not feel so jolly around this time of year and this is an event that brought my mom to renewed faith in God a few years ago and then one of my aunts last year. I want to spend time with family. None of my other close family is Catholic and do ever join us for Mass, but I want to do this for my mom. It will be a suprise for her. My husband is joining me. I pray that my hurting spirit can find joy amidst my suffering at this time. I thought about writing a list of things I am grateful for, but may do that later.
I want to be a saint one day and all of the saints I know suffered quietly, sort of like me. I pray that joy will be my reward!
UPDATE:

I had an amazing time with my family tonight and the service helped me realize that most people have "real" christmases. A real christmas is mixed with joy and sorrow. Even Mary and Joseph's first christmas was real. It did not turn out the way they planned but they followed God's will for their lives, so I am in good company. - C -

Just a few thoughts

Let preface this post with a reason that I added this image. When I first stated working at my present job, I found this picture (along with some others with Jesus and children at different stages of development) and this single picture brought me so much healing. I don't know who the artist is, but I do know that when I saw this image, I fully understood why Jesus would allow mothers like me to experience a miscarriage. Not to say that I understood everything about it, but I could see on Jesus' face the love that he has for my baby and all the other babies who not allowed to know their parents in this world. I saw just how much God loves these little ones and I had peace that my child was in the presence of God and surrounded by love. When anyone I am close to is near death, I ask them to find my "Sam" and love them for me! They are always so pleased that I asked. I probably sound like a lunatic, but this is me in all my crazy glory :) Warning, the next few thoughts may not be any more sane than the ones above :)

Today on my way to work, I was listening to one of my favorite Christmas songs and was bobbing my head just singing while waiting for the red light to turn green and suddenly realized that there were tears coming down my face. I remembered singing that particular song at Christmas play when I was in the 3rd grade. I think that that was probably my best christmas ever. I just suddenly realized just how lonely Christmas can be without the fun of preparing for children to enjoy the holiday. We will not be making the trip to my grandma's old house to be with some of my family becasue there is just alot of tension with lots of people wanting to claim my grandma's old house without buying out the other siblings shares and these are these so called "Fertile People" who do not appreciate their children and have sense done everything to prevent having other children. In fact, one year ago, we had two of these children living with us as the family got their priorities straight and got into better health. As you can see, my life has changed drastically since last year. This particular mother (my aunt who is a widow and in poor mental and physical health) left the youngest child in our care for the next 2 mo. and this was okay bc we truly felt that he deserved to be in a loving environment. Well when we told her she had to get back on her feet bc her children loved and only truly wanted the love of their mother, she took them back into home but it never got better, but there are lots of people watching and praying. I have since, by the grace of God, allowed my heart to mend and realized that I did not have in it me to do foster care bc there is no way I could let a child that I have come to love go back to an abusive or neglectful home. Yesterday, I got to see my dear friend who was able to adopt the most beautiful little girl. There was such a deep, heartfelt jealousy in my heart that I tried to send on its way, but I just keep being reminded that my friend loves her daughter very much but she would also love to give birth to a child one day, too. I keep praying that God's plan will allow for my family to grow. My husband believes that God will bless us with a healthy pregnancy and a beautiful child in the old fashioned way, by my heart is just so ready to mother a child now. I sound so sad, but I feel that way right now. Just got caught up on my charting (I know, shame on me!) and it is actually looking pretty good. The only thing that has me really concerned is that days 1-8 were red stickers and the last two were VL B (to me, it was the lightest hue of brown, almost dark yellow, so it might not be so bad). Then days 9-12 are green stickers. The last time I spoke with the nurse, she seemed like this was nothing unusual at this stage in the game, so I am still hopeful. On a more positive note, I still at 25 lbs. lost since March/April. I gained almost 8 lbs after my surgery and return to work and it is just now going away agian, praise God. I guess this is enough rambling. I guess reminding myself of some good things, I am actually in better spirits and no more tears :)
By the way, I think that another reason I am not anticipating Christmas this year is bc my mom is so sick. In the back of my mind I know that she is getting great medical care, but I can't shake the gut feeling that I cannot take one single moment with my mom for granted this year. I wish I could make her a grandma soon. I am so afraid of what could happen if she continues to stay ill. I cannot even type what my biggest fear is. She is praying so hard for a grandbaby and I see the excitement and joy as she talks about how their arrival will change our lives forever.
God, I give you all my joys, fears, anxieties, worries, and dreams. You are the master of the land and sea and of my body and my family. I trust you and everything rides on hope now. My faith will somehow see me through. Please let me trust in the love you have for me. AMEN.

Sleepy

I am just so sleepy lately. For the past two evenings, I went to bed at 8:30 p and woke up 10 hours later!!! This is not like me. By 3:30 in the afternoon at work, I am so tired, everyone can tell just by looking at me. I am on cd 10. Not much to report on that front.

I did have an amazing conversation with my spiritual director yesterday and she gave me some really great insights into being kind to my MIL bc for some reason she has really been hurting my feelings and this has caused an argument bt my husband and I when I expressed my hurt feelings to him. He thought that I was just being supersensitive, but I told him he is just use to her ways. Well, when I shared the situation with my mom, she confirmed that perspective of my spiritual director. When I shared this with my husband, we finally reached a agreement on the possibility of the reason she is doing what she is doing to me. But I quickly told him that I would not tolerate it, I would try to handle the situation with kindness. He understood. Praise God.



Just a funny note to share. The wonderful priest that I work with came up to me yesterday and told me "I want to ask you a highly personal question and you do not have to answer." I knew what he was referring to, but not the specific question he wished to ask. I nodded and he proceeded to ask me "Every morning when I say my prayers, I am asking God to allow you to become pregnant. Are you and J currently trying?" I laughed, whiched helped ease that tension, and let him know that we have never stopped TRYING. I told him we really gave our best effort to be pregnant before Christmas (so he could win his bet, HA HA) but that just did not happen. He loves to tell me the story of how his parents tried (70 years ago) to have children and had to try for six years before they got pregnant with him. His parents went on to have five more children. Whew! When I share this story with J, he gets the deer in the headlights looks. By the way, I just keep wondering just what God's plans for our children will be because every child I know that has been so desired for by their parents played such a marvelous part in God's plan to furthering the kingdom of God. Who knows if God is just making sure we will be the best people to parent this beautiful child that will surely come in God's own timing!



Dearest God,

Prepare my heart to be the mother you wish for me to be and bless the child(ren) you will bless us with! AMEN.

Lizard Chasing at Mass

Well, as I have mentioned before, I live in a very rural area in Louisiana. But this morning confirmed for me that I am definitely living in the country. This weekend was super busy and eventful. We had our Christmas party with my husband's company and it was really fun. I have not laughed so much in a long time and J's boss was really concerned about how well I was healing. I always had a pretty good relationship with him as I worked for him during my last year in college. By the way, this is how I met my husband since we were both working for the company, but it took us six weeks to meet. Once we met, there was no looking back! We are known as the official romance of the company. Well, enough rambling about that.

Our oldest godson, Devan, wanted to come stay with us this weekend, so he came over on Sat. and stayed until Sunday. Well, we had tons of fun. We went walking and put his mud boots to good use by allowing him to jump in all the mud puddles. It was like I had given him a brand new bike, he was so excited. We then had a great big get together at our home last night with friends and family that my husband and I made a huge pot of Gumbo for and they really enjoyed it. Today, we went to Mass and he doesn't go all the time with his mom, so I was expecting him to be restless (keep in mind he is 4 years old). Of course, when the homily began, Dev needed the bathroom. Our church is so old and country, there is no bathroom in the church, you have to take a small hike to one by the CCD building, so out we went. Well, on our way out of church to go the bathroom, I mistakenly expected him to follow me, but I took two steps ahead of him and realized he was not right behind me. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I looked over my shoulder. He was down on his belly doing an army crawl through the aisle of the church reaching into the pews and grabbing at a LIZARD in between the feet of the people in the pews. Boy, that must have been the fastest lizard ever. Of course, Dev said that he could not catch it bc I reached for his hand right before he could catch it. It had to be the highlight of my weekend. It was so funny. He was the hit of our little church. Everyone kept coming after mass to tell him they wished he had caught it! You never know what will happen when you go to Mass. Then to top it all off, all the people we know well at our church kept asking me "Is this your husband's nephew bc he looks exactly like your husband. This is not the first time anyone has said this. Everyone who sees them together are amazed at just how much they resemble one another. Every time I wonder what our kids might look like, I look at pics of little Dev.

Nothing new with my cycle at this time. I am on CD 7 and have VL B. Last night it felt like I was having H symptoms and was cramping (I was only VL though) but I did not want to take my Pontsel. Today, I had some cramping but just took a tylenol and used a heating pad and was able to rest after Dev's mom came by to get him. Daisy gets so excited to have company, but it wears her out. Just thought that I would post a cute pic of Daisy. I will be taking hcg injections this cycle and would appreciate anyone's feedback on how this changed your cycles. I will be doing it on P+3, P+5, P+7, and P+9. The meds just came in the mail yesterday and my local doctor volunteered to educate me on administering them.

Dearest Abba,

Prepare my heart for the miracles you have in mind for me. I don't know your mind, but I do know the love that is in your heart and I love you and trust you. Amen.

Not so restful day off

I took a comp day off today. We are always putting in extra hours and never really getting paid for them, so we get comp time and I finally go to use some time today.

Well, I really tried to justify just staying home in my cozy bed, but ventured off to town (how country do I sound?) to get some errands done. I went by to pick out my new eyeglasses. I have not worn glasses since I was 2 years old. It was at that time that I had surgeries on my eyes and no longer needed glasses until now. The frames I chose are cute, if you have to be wearing glasses and I really only need them for driving. I guess I am getting older every day. I then ran to Penny's because I had two $10 coupons for any purchases over $1o. We really did not need any clothing or linens, so I bought some cute baby items. It was a moment of hope for me and trust that God will provide the desires of my heart. I am really careful to choose really gender neutral items and items are perfect. The first purchase was for two baby gowns originally $25, and I paid $5. The second purchase was for those cute hooded towels and baby washclothes which originally cost $18 and I only paid $2. I really hit a bargain and I have just been wanting to pick up some simple things because I am expecting a miracle anyday now!

Then, I want to the Cathedral and was able to go to Mass for the Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe. The priest reminded us that she is the Mother of the author of Life and it just seemed fitting that I celebrated the life that will be coming forth one day soon in our family. I think I may be going overboard, but it is so much fun.

Last night we had dinner with the Bishop, along with others from our area that serve the church and it was inspiring to hear him talk about Jesus's birth in such an intimate and loving way. The gave me a small Holy Family Ornament (I love Holy Family images and gifts) and a book on the writings of Pope John Paul II on the life of Saint Paul. We had a fun time and we meant this wonderful couple who are expecting their second child. I must say that when she showed up with that big pregnant belly and fully glowing, I was jealous! My emotions really rocked me to the core and I had to make a determined effort to be happy for them because I just wanted to be in that place. She stole the show, but once all of the talk about the baby died down, I was able to really get to know her and her husband and really admire them for the work they do to build up the kingdom of God. One final complaint, though, was when they were talking about their oldest boy, they mentioned that his name was the same one we have chosen as our boy name. The name is not common so this sorta took me by suprise.

Well, tonight will be a totally different scenario. It is my husband's company Christmas party and we are going to this fabulour Middle Eastern restaurant and this group is very lively! I look foward to visiting with them all, but I really hate to have to hear them talking all about their kids and what do J and I have to discuss besided trying to make some babies, our cat, DAISY! Every year that I go to this Christmas party, I feel like a failure because it is another year that I have not given my husband a little bundle of joy! I probably imagine it, but I just feel like I get these stares of sympathy from my husband's boss and his wife. They are great people and I helped take care of their first child when she was born, but I know that they know our story and for some reason, it feels really overwhelming. I am probably making a mountain out of a molehill, but it is just how I feel. I told jessy that I was glad I wasn't pg yet bc now I can have a drink or two at the party. He just laughed because he knows I don't drink. Oh, but what fun it would be to start :)

Well, anyway, I am off to take a short nap before DH comes home. I am worn out from driving all over town trying to chase down some Gluchophage XR 500 mg. Everyone wants to give your the generics and I cannot take this in the generic form. For some unknown reason my body can only absorb that name brand version! Apparently, my body has expensive tastes or needs.

By the way, I am going to post some pics of my christmas tree and some of my favorite ornaments! The butterfly is our 2008 ornament and represents the new life (and hope) that was given to us this year through good quality medical care. The ornament with the name Sam is the ornament we got years ago when we lost Sam. The ornament of the church is the Cathedral where we were married on July 1, 2000. The crafted angel was given to me by my grandma the year before she passed away from ovarian cancer. The last photo is one that I took yesterday morning. We had snow in Louisiana and my husband even made me a small snowman before he left for work. We rarely have snow, so I take it as a great sign of wonderful other new things to come. By the way, since the snow came in the night, and the sun quickly melted it away, it just reminded me that sometimes God does his best work in the darkness!

New beginning

I am just writing to say that we will officially be making another attempt to bring new life into our family. As soon as I finished my last post, I told my husband, I feel my period coming. Well, about 20 min. later, it's evidence was clear. It was amazing that I was so relieved and sad at the same time. The sad emotion is understandable, but I was relieved because I was very afraid that my body was going to be going back to its old ways and I would have much more out of whack cycles. I don't know why I said my last cycle was 30 days, i was only on cd 29 when the new cycle began. Maybe I was just being very hopeful. My husband handled it way better than I did, which is no suprise to me at this point. He said "I am not worried, if we were 18 mo. into this (which is when Dr. Hilgers says we should have conceived by then) then I would be worried." He is so good for my wacky and emotional heart. So today I rewarded myself with a fully loaded coke. My favorite. I was like I can have caffine for today! Here we go again, but life could be much worse, I suspect. No knitting in the womb just yet, but I am counting on it!
On a side note, I think that my luteal phase actually did last 14 days this time. Miracles abound!

Great Day

I am just wanting to post about something great for a change, so here goes. I was lucky enough to be off of work today, because it was a Holy Day and I went to mass last night, so I got to sleep in a little while before having to take my Mom to see her new oncologist about an hour away from our home! I am not always able to take the time to bring her to her appointments, so I jumped on the chance to do this for her today! Well, she is handling this cancer so well, it shocks and amazes me! She was able to catch the lump in her breast early and they removed it quickly, as well as the lymph nodes on her left breast and she has completed 1 round of chemo so far. She was having to go to Shreveport, which is four hours away (one way) for all of her appts which make it very difficult on a fixed income and she has lots of other medical conditions so this has been a strain. She was referred by her Shreveport oncologist to one closer to home and the new doctor is wonderful. The really hard part today was when I got to see my mom just touching her hair and she would get a handful of hair. When I am in pain, I just stay quiet and that is what I did until I got comfortable (won't ever be comfortable, just more peaceful about how God is bringing healing to her) with what my Mom is now experiencing. There are certain things I have stayed in denial about and my mom losing all of her hair is one of the things! The doctor, who is a christian and very kind, told her that it would be easier on her heart (emotionally) to just go ahead and shave her hair off now. Round two of chemo is this wed, and my stepdad is bringing her, as I will be working.
Well, enough about the tough, emotional stuff. I tried really hard to make this a fun day, as fun as possible. We grabbed a small bite to eat at one of our favorite restaurants before the appt and went to Supertar.get after the appointment. We live in a small town and do not have the luxury of a one in our hometown. So I had so much fun just browsing and hanging out with my Mom and favorite aunt (she came with us to find out where the doctor's office was and to spend the day with us). We were able to find some really cute hats for her and they were all on clearance and pick up a few christmas gifts. I had so much fun picking out gifts for my two new godsons! I found the best gifts for them! Well, anyway, it was just about the best day I have ever had with my mom, ever! If I would give you all a history on the relationship of my Mom and I, it would bring you to tears. God has brought us a long, long way! I am forever grateful.

Two great stories that I must share with your all! First of all, in the middle of Targe.t, I called one of my best friends to see if she thought what I was picking out for her son would be something he would really like and she was very excited about what I had picked up for him. While we were chatting, she said that she sent me a myspace message today because Mal, her two year old daughter wanted to tell me something. Mal's message was simple: "I love you!" Well, if that doesn't melt your heart. She then went on to tell her mom, "Mom, Aunt C. has a baby in her belly!" Her Mom, asked her "Oh, really?" Mal asnwered her, "No, she has two babies in her belly, a boy and a girl!" I was dumfounded. Especially when the only thing she said to knew to tell Mal after that was "Well, you always have to be careful what you pray for!" When I was able to find my voice, I said, "Well, K., I have been telling people lately that my prayer is that "If God will allow J and I to conceive one child, I hope he will allow us to conceive two, because I really want my child to not be an only child!" My husband doesn't find this to be so important, but I am. I grew up an only child and I always wanted a sibling. But to be brutally honest, I would be so happy with one baby!

Okay, the second story - The same little girl I mentioned today is really sad that she cannot yet receive Holy Eucharist and her mom told me she is always trying to get it out of the priests' hands when they go for communion. Well, at today's mass for the Feast Day, she brought Mal to Mass with her and when K finished receiving communion, Mal kept trying (rather loudly) to get her mom's attention. When K asked Mal what she wanted, Mal told her Mom "I want to smell your breath, Mommy" K, being ever practical, said "Mal, why do you want to smell my breath?" Mal just simply answered her "I want to know what Jesus smells like!" That is so beautiful! It made my heart soar! What sweet little faith! Now I know why God wants us to come to Him with the faith of a child!

In regard to my cycle, I am on cd 30. Still waiting to hear back from Dr. Hilgers and finding out what to expect. While I am hoping for a pregnancy, I as so scared to test. I know I will have to face the music soon, but I will trust my big and powerful God to bring joy to my expectant heart!

Desiring Balance in my life

I am going throught so many emotions about fertility and infertility these days that I am not ever sure what direction I am going in anymore. I am currently on cd 29 and this is suprising. Since my surgery in 9/08, my cycles have been at 28 in length or shorter. It is a terrible feeling to be really deep, deep in your heart hoping against all realistic reason that God could have blessed you with a pregnancy and you get disappointed that your period has not shown up yet! I seriously do not know what is going on with me anymore. All of my typical signs, like lower back pain, breast tenderness, and mood swings are not making themselves evident like they were a few days ago and I am not really sure what to make out of it all.
The other day when I fount out that my blood work is not the results we really were hoping for, I just got so down! I am truly afraid that my body will go back to the old way it was before surgery. It occured to me that it might really take 18 months to be able to conceive (if we are blessed enough to conceive at all) and then you factor in the 9 months gestation and I realized that it might be 27 months before I might be able to hold my own crying, beautiful baby in my arms! I say crying becasue I can just picture myself in the hospital having just given birth and holding my baby for the first time and seeing the awe and wonder in my husband's eyes as he beholds God's gracious gift! I can even see the joy on my doctor's face. I want to believe that this will all happen. I truly believe it will!!! I just can't imagine it being another 2 years and 3 months from now! I am going to be turning 32 on Feb. 1, 2009 and I feel so old. All of the teens from my confirmation classes (my husband and I taught for about 5 years before deciding that we needed some sanity back in our lives, haha) are showing up in church with their beautiful babies! The best part of all of this is that they are making great moms. I am just so filled with envy and I know that this is not of God! At least at this time, I can at least look at a infant without crying my eyes out!
On Thursday evening I pulled a muscle in my back and one of the ladies who is directing retreats at my job is trained in Reiki and she massaged and rubbed my back as she prayed for healing. The pain did not subside immediately, but by that evening I was feeling better! God is good and I am so glad she ministered to me in that way! She is such a wonderful lady and she knows my story and one day, just told me that she did not conceive easily, but at least she was able to concevie and carry two children to term. I am thankful she did as well! It is so strange to be surrounded by so many fertile women and then at the same time to be surrounded by so many women struggling to be fertile. I don't know why God gave me this cross to bear and right not if someone offered to take it away, I would never think twice about letting it go! I have learned so many lessons about the heart of God along this journey, but I feel I have more questions now, than before. Those questions do not have to be answered by God and I am content to know that when I finally am embraced by Him in heaven, all of those worries for not being able to conceive easily will be washed away! I will just be thankful to be in His presence. My prayer this advent is to fully recognize that God is ENOUGH! His grace is ENOUGH! There is nothing that I lack. I am almost driven to give up this all-consuming desire to get pregnant! Let go of this all-consuming desire to mother a child in this world! This is not because I do not want children and I will not stop being open to life, but I am just wondering if I should keep pursuing this when God may be wanting me to use my energy and gifts in some other way to further his kingdom at this time. Even as I write this, I don't see how I could move away from this current stage in my life. I don't think that this current path that I am on should be my only purpose right now. I never inteneded it to be, it just becamse all consuming. I have poured all of my energy, my desires, my resoucese, and even my leisure time into pursuing new life. I am ready to move on. I want to make it to the next stage. I am tired of being in this infertile, always waiting to see what my body wants to do stage. I want the motherhood part. I just wanted to be balanced again.

God, help me to be satisfied with your great love for me and the gifts you bless me with at this time! Help me to find a delicate balance between striving to bring new life to our family and your family with being able to find true joy in the life you have given me! Amen.

New Perspective

First of all, I just want to thank you all for those very needed and encouraging words! I even read some of the comments to my husband and he had a sense of relief as well! I really panicked with the news about my blood levels, but my wise husband refused to worry. He just gently reminded me to go back and look at results from the previous blood draw. I did my first and only other blood draw in mid-January 2008 and my estrodoil and and progesterone were much lower at that time. My progesterone levels at that time was 0.68 and my estrodoil results were 2.2. So since my two surgeries, my progesterone level has multiplied 6xs and my estrodoil has tripled. This is not finite math, but it shows that there has been some improvement. At the time of the first blood draw, I was experiencing one of my cycles of having very irregular bleeding (I had been bleeding very heavy for over 40 days straight). So I am not real sure if this is the sole factor in explaining the change, but I just have to put my faith in the fact that the levels are at least starting to increase! I am now looking foward to hearing back from PPVI because I truly believe that God has a great purpose in all of this! It is so startling to me that my emotions can spiral out of control so quickly. Oh well, God is in this with me!
I am starting to feel a small amount of abdominal cramping and some other tell-tale signs that a new cycle is about to begin. It may sound really nuts, but I was really hoping to conceive this cycle. It was just such a strong urge and I think that these new developments really disappointed me. My husband and I had a really great heart to heart this evening and agreed that we really need to trust in the wisdom of Dr. Hilgers and not rush the healing process and that we should not count any time as "lost time" or "wasted time". This really made me feel free and at peace! Well, I am heading off get ready to go to sleep. I have been getting lots of sleep lately and I am loving it! I have been having some type of meeting, prayer group, or something of the sort lately every night for the last week and it is usually not so busy. As a youth minister, I used to tell my kids this quote that now seems meant for me. I will leave you all with this quote "If the devil can't make you bad, God will make you busy!"

Struck Down!

I am a little sad and trying so hard not to be! I had my first P+7 blood draw yesterday for monitoring of my progesterone and estrodiol levels (not sure if spelling is right)! I then talked with Carol at PPVI this afternoon to talk about cycle reviews. She told me that they already had my results from yesterday's blood work!! What?? I just did it yesterday and it was just shipped with dry ice yesterday at the very earliest! She told me that the results were probably not what he wanted to see at this stage in the game. What a tremendous blow! I asked her what we could do about these concerns and she said that Dr. Hilgers will review it and get back to me. What I looked up on the internet showed this as a concern for early menopause! I really freaked out because I am just really being fully hopeful to being able to conceive new life and receive that great gift and responsibility from God. I find myself deeply praying for him to bring forth and knit a brand new life in my womb. Does anyone have any hope out there for me or could someone explain this to me? Keep in mind that the blood draw was on cd 24 and it revealed that my Progesterone level was 4.8 (which the nurse said that Dr. Hilgers likes to have it be at 13 or above) and my Estradiol level was 6.6 (which should be at 12 or above).

What am I supposed to do now. May God bless me indeed and be all that I need.

On a side note, I was tremendously blessed with great advent inspiration and was gently reminded last night that grief touches us all and if we can have the courage to wait for the light that will dispel the darkness, we will be able to be used by God in such a tremendous way! I will try to post more inspiration that I recieved last night at a later time. But a very dear nun that I know and that I have never shared my struggle with getting pregnant with, but she came up to me after the evening of recollection and told me that she has been praying for me to get pregnant! She said that she has a certain prayer that she wants my husband and I to pray daily that she has given to other couples over the years who have shared in our struggle. I am just fascinated that God revealed this to her and she is obediently praying for us! As you know, we can use all the prayers we can receive at this time!

Feeling Sick

I am feeling a little sick today! I have trouble with allergies and sinuses! I took some tylenol today and it helped a little. The great thing is that when I made it home from work, my husband already had dinner cooked! Lucky me! I am just sitting in my recliner and trying to keep my eyes open. I had a crazy day at work and tomorrow will be much longer because we have our Advent Evening of Refection at our Retreat Center tommorrow and we are expecting at least 90 guests! Isn't it amazing that people are ready to center their their lives this advent. I told someone today my life is "ADVENT". I found this framed piece of art on Friday with a scripture qoute about hope and it reminded me that hope is born out of suffering. Suprise, suprise! Makes you wonder how much suffering one had to experience to reach their quota!
I am currently on cd 22 and I am starting to have all of my typical signs that alert me that this cycle is getting ready to come to a conclusion. What really gets me crazy is that alot of the symptoms could also be associated with a new pregnancy! It makes you get your hopes up and then you are let down. I am not trying to say that I am not hopeful, but I feel like I am just being realistic. I just keep telling myself that I am two cycles closer to my goal. Just 16 more to go! Ha!

On a side note, we babysat Gauge who is just five weeks old this weekend! He is a precious baby, but he was too young to be away from his mother overnight! He did really well with us, but we were completely exhausted by the time his parents picked him up on Sunday! He is a colicy baby and needs lots of love! We got a fast taste of just how challenging it will be to parent a new baby! He wakes easily and often and so we rested very little! God bless us! I was still able to funtion, but took a great sunday afternoon nap to make up for it! What an adventure parenthood will be once we make our way there!