Sad & Grumpy

I woke up today to the tell-tale signs that cd 1 has arrived. What a greeting before having to get ready for Mass. I was suprised! What a sad reaction! I just remember being so shocked. I really thought we had a chance to conceive this cycle. I don't know why I am trying to rush things. My cycle lasted exactly 28 days, which is the first time it has done this since I miscarried. The only thing I have to look foward to at this point is to see how the P+7 blood tests comee out. This will be my first cycle to have to do this type of blood work and I am hoping that I have a clear and prominent Peak. I am currently having lots of white baby days and what appears to be fertile mucus which to me feels like a bad joke at this stage of the game.
I was so sad and did not even want to go to Mass, but knew that just receiving the Eucharist would bring some healing to my hurting soul. I felt like I hit rock bottom again because when I sat in the pew and then knelt in prayer . . . . I didn't have much in the way of words to say to God. I made a short heartfelt plea to him just to keep my husband and I safe and that He would protect and bless our marriage. I said a few intercessions for my loved ones. But that was it. I was suffering and felt that anguish of being in my own tomb on a Good Friday kind of day. . .waiting for Easter and Resurrection. I may be waiting for awhile in this darkness, but my hope remains in the Resurrection.
At Mass, it did not help that a new couple that I have only seen a few times were in church with a beautiful baby boy and they sat directly behind me making sweet cooing sounds to quiet him and I heard his beautiful little giggles. It was the first time in months that it took all that I had to not want to walk out and let all of my tears consume me. The tears were brimming over, but fortunately they waited to fall once I was leaving the church parking lot. It was actually a relief to not have to explain my unruly emotions to my husband. He had taken his brother and my cousin out deer hunting early this morning and I was able to nurture my conflicting emotions without him feeling the need to "FIX" them.
I don't know if I am the only woman in the world to get along with my husband and overlook so many little nit-picky things about him when I am about to start a new cycle and ending the current one. I love my husband and I feel honored to share my life with his, but on these days all that seems to glare at me is our differences and I pompously think that I really know it all and he has no clue. How unbearable for him to live with me during these times and then a few days later I am back to my old, contented, happy, and loving self. I have only just begun to notice that strong pattern for these emotions and it is disturbing. Thankfully they don't last long. There are other symptoms that I am starting to come to show up if a new cycle is on it's way. I tend to have crazy back pain, grumpiness, AP, and a slight fever among other symptoms.
Well, enough rambling for the time being. I feel like an evil witch came to reside in my body and I am waiting for her to take her leave.
By the way, thanks for all of the caring and supportive comments recently regarding my blog on advent and adoption. You all are so kind and I pray that God blesses you all and is with you all.