Opportunities, Advent, & Adoption!

I can finally see how blogging can be very therapeutic. I had a crazy day, it wasn't really a bad day. I just did not feel like my typical self. I was a little grumpy and very moody. I usually love all of my creative projects, but today I was just like what is the point. I was working on a special project for Advent season, which ultimately turned out amazing. When I got to the very last line of the meditation, I realized that it was just the words I needed to reflect on for the day. Simply, it reminded me that Advent is the season of waiting. Waiting is the theme in my life. This time is my advent. There is something greater and purposful in my waiting, my advent! Advent is not a passive waiting, it is a time for preparation - making ready the path for Christ. Which, if we all believe in the fact that we are all made in the image of Christ, that could also mean preparing the way for our children. When I was discerning the opportunity to pursue adoption, I really struggling with the fact that when my friends and family members were having children, they were always saying to one another "Oh, the new baby has your eyes, " or "Oh the baby has his mother's nose!" This made me wonder what would my reaction be when I first laid eyes on my new child, given through the gift of adoption, and through great prayer and meditation, God revealed to me that it did not matter if he/she did not have our eyes, nose, ears, etc. but that she was made in the image of Christ!!! I could always tell her she/he looked just like their heavenly Father. This brought me great comfort and peace, as well as tons of excitement. Well, months later, I was sharing this story with my dear friend who was also pursuing adoption. I knew at that time that adoption might not be what God had in mind for us, but I was still sad about this possibility. It was then that I realized that maybe God brought me down this crazy (mazey) journey just so that I could fully understand and support those who were able to make their dream of adoption possible. I can honestly say that the spirit of adoption brings out the best of the human spirit! We see the spirit of true, unbiased love that goes the distance. It is truly a miracle.
I did not really intend to talk so much about adoption, but it has just been the theme of my day today. I was able to visit one of my friends has a miraculous adoption story with her beautiful baby and I got to love on her during my lunch break. I got to feed, burp, and, play with this beautiful child who has brought so many people so much joy. Well, I finally got out of my sour mood as I was returning to work. Then the unexpected happen. Why I say it is unexpected, is silly, because lately, it has happened several times. I was walking into my office and I mentioned that I had a great visit with my friend and her baby and how this made me so happy. She then went on to tell me that she thought of me when she found out that this little baby needed to be adopted. The baby is a little girl and only 2 1/2 months old. Her mother was a young teen mother and ran away from home leaving the child with the grandmother and the grandmother knew that she could not raise the child. They are trying to place the child with an adoptive family. This lady was hesitant to share this with me earlier last week when I returned to work because she did not know if my DH and I would be interested because the child is multiracial. I sadly explained that I would say "YES" wholeheartedly, but my husband just really had some concerns about adopting a child who is multiracial because where he grew up these children were so mistreated by their peers and extended family that he did not want to have his child suffer in this way. I know we are in the 21st century and this is not really an issue anymore, but this really breaks my husband's heart. I just believe that God's love would fill our hearts and help us to have the wisdom to handle all the challenges we would face no matter what race or nationality of our child. I know this sounds terribly ridiculous and I pray that no one finds this offensive. The crazy part is that when I actually shared this story with my husband, he actually considered it a possiblity before finding out all of the facts of the situation. Ican't help but wonder if God is simply trying to break into our hearts and let us know that love knows no boundaries, race included. It would be a miracle if my DH finally made peace with this issue. I pray and trust that God will change his heart as he wills to do so! This is not something that we discussed prior to marriage and I firmly believe that couples should disuss how they would feel and what their plans would be if in the future they find out that they would not be able to conceive a child. Who knows I may be wrong, but I think that couples should know that they can't just expect that if you are married and wish to have child may not always be blessed with a child that they conceive naturally - that they just might be able to be blessed with a child through adoption. When we had an opportunity to adopt last July, my DH and I suffered greatly in both wanting different things and ultimately I knew that I did not want to twist my husband's arm to adopt any child that he was not sure he could love with his whole being. Personally, I believe that his heart would have melted the moment he held his new baby in his arms, but that opportunity did not come. In the process, I tried to help the young woman find a home for her baby girl. I went to about five different couples who were trying to adopt and none of them wanted to adopt her because she was multiracial. No one, no one asked is she going to be healthy. They just shut it down right away! It blew me away, then I started to meet beautiful people who wanted a baby regardless of the race of the child. We eventually found a home for this beautiful girl. The night that I found out about her and that her mom was open to us adopting her, I gave her a name "Ava". I felt that in a way, I was giving her away too! This was one of the most difficult times in my life. She was placed into a very loving family and the whole family adores her. She remains in my prayers and I will always love her, just as I love the child I miscarried. We never had the honor of knowing their gender, so we named him/her "Sam" for either Samuel or Samantha. I will never forget the selflessness my husband showed to me the day we were both crying trying to discern whether to move foward with the adoption of Ava. He told me "How do we know that this child is not meant to have this other couple for her parents." I told him because "We have prayed for her for so long". He responded with "maybe they have been praying longer than we have" I could not argue with him any longer. I knew he could be right! Eventually, God healed my heart and then began to open wide the doors to find healing for myself.
When I started learning the Creighton Model, DH and I began to do so knowing that I really needed to find healing before we could ever conceive or even seek adoption. We were told that Dr. Hilgers could really help us find out if there was a possibility that we could conceive in the future or if we needed to prepare for adoption. We were blown away when he was able to address all of my health concerns and tell us that we had favorable odds for conceiving in 12-18 months. Wow!
So now, I still wonder why is God placing such tempting offers with adoption. Then, I prayed about it and wondered if God is just using me to help connect these beautiful babies with their waiting parents. It is amazing that when you are facing fertility concerns, you open up your heart to people and they do the same. I am fortunate enough to know several families who may be interested in adopting this beautiful child. I just pray that God would not allow me to give away the very gift He is trying to send to me and my husband. I hate that I am so wishy-washy on this, but I can't help it! I just really want to do God's will and not my own.
To end this crazy post, I will mention the phrase someone used to describe my present stage in life. They told me that I "was pregnant with hope!" What a beautiful image and a miraculous place to be. Advent will be very special this year, because waiting continues to take on new meaning with each passing day!