Better Days

Just an update that I am finally feeling a little better. I had a really tough time emotionally for the last few days. I just really felt very sensitive and not in sync with my husband. Which is not really like me at all. It just seemed that for a day or two, we saw the world in completely different ways and I really wanted us to see the world and our dreams in the same way. He began to change his mind about adoption, but I was really unsure if this was for the right reasons or if he was just trying to make me happy. The most confusing part of all of it was that in the middle of the night on Sunday, I woke up just thinking about that little girl I had mentioned before who was needing a family to love her. I had not really invested a lot of dreaming that she could one day be my child, I just prayed that she found her way to the parents God had prepared for her. But in the middle of the night, I felt the urgency to completely place her in God's hands. I told God that I surrender her and all of her needs to you. I pray for her new parents, whoever they may be, and asked God just to protect her soul. I had come to the realization earlier in the weekend that just becasue I hear of all of these sad situations, doesn't mean that I can take all of these children home with me. I have such a soft heart. Once I surrendered her and and her future to God, I slept like a baby for the rest of the night. The next day, my husband gets the text that I tried to send to him on Friday sharing a little more of her story. The message got lost in limbo until 1030 am on Monday (11/10/08) when I sent it at 11 am on Friday (11/7/08). For some reason, his heart was softened and he began to speak of her in a real way . . . he went on to ask me if I could get a picture of the little girl because he was curious. He could not imagine how she could not be loved in a powerful way by her own flesh and blood. I really was confused and felt that my emotions were really being played with at this time. The only thing I could wonder in all of this chaos was "Is God trying to bring about a wonderful miracle in life of our family?" I knew it would not be wise for me to dream (dream big) about what the future could hold for us!! I wondered is it crazy that we have just given it one month to see if we would conceive. I wondered if I could handle raising a little baby and possibly find myself pregnant in the next year or 18 moths? Am I trying to have my will above the will of God and I really did not think so. I just keep feeling that this could be a great blessing and not that I am giving up on trying to conceive a child, I would just be so happy to love and raise this little one too! I did not have it in my mind that this child would be our to adopt and I did not hang all of my hope on it, but I wonder if God has other plans. I just hope that God will continue to bless this journey that I am on with my good and faithful husband.
On a side note, I received one of the most beautiful blessings today. There is a torch going from Mexico City to New York in anticipation of the Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe. The torch and the runner will arrive in NY on her Feast Day. I found out on Friday that they were going to be near my home, but I did not remember it when they actually arrived on Monday because of all the things and emotions were were dealing with at home. Well, lo and behold, I am on my way to work this morning and for some reason I took an alternate route and was running a little late becasue I could not find the pants I really wanted to wear and when I got to one of the major traffic lights on my commute, I was stopped by a cop who was halting traffic for the torch bearer who was following the lifesize image of Our Lady of Guadalupe down the highway. I have just recently discovered Our Lady of Guadalupe when a friend gave me a authentic image of her from Mexico. She was very insistant that I have it and it has since been fully present in our living room. When I was preparing for my 2nd surgery with Dr. Hilgers, another dear friend of my suggested that I choose a Novena to pray and ask all of those who have been with us on our journey to pray this novena with us as we prepared for our trip, surgery, good health, and the blessing of a family built by God. I was led to choose to do a novena to Our Lady of Guadalupe. So to make a long story short, I felt like God just reached down from heaven and showed me this morning that no matter where my path leads me, if I desire to see Him, He will find me and bless me. Like I said, I am in a much better place today than I was on Sunday! Thank God for answered prayers. By the way, Melody wrote that a friend had told her when she was contemplating adoption "that adoption could not be a mistake in following God's will', I am paraphrasing, and I am clinging to that. I am just thinking that down the road, I won't be saying "Oh I wish we had not adopted" I will likely be saying "Oh how I wished we had adopted!"