Giving Thanks

You can't really see too much of our new bedding, but the kiddos are having a great time taking turns playing the video game. This is my niece and nephew!

This is a picture of my new nephew, with his big cousin!

This is a picture of some sweet cousins! Dev and Gauge!

Today was a whirlwind, but I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to find many things and people to be grateful for their presence in my life. I am so glad that I was able to start my day with Holy Mass! Being able to recieve the Eucharist really helped me keep a handle on my emotions today!

I still got a little assertive with my MIL today, but I tell you that woman does know how to kick me when I am down or where I hurt the most. It is just her nature and for many years, I have just turned the other cheek, but that is no longer the case! Everyone in the family has just allowed her to do and say whatever she likes, but I do not think that I am doing her or God any favors by looking the other way when her words injure the spirits of my relatives or myself. I try to choose the words I say carefully, but I just don't have that censor on all the time like I used to do!

I am currently on CD 18 and my peak was on day 16. I little late, but one day earlier than last cycle. I am finding that my pattern this cycle is very similar to last month's and the only difference is that everything is one day earlier. It looks really promising so far. I am really wanting to conceive this month and am fully aware that this can happen or it could not happen. Today, I wrote in my jornal "Dearest Abba, please knit a beautiful, happy, and healthy child within my womb and bless all that we are doing to be open to life. We want to raise a child to know and to love you! Amen." I am not asking for too much, am I? God says He is the great I am! I am placing my trust in Him and His word!

Happy Thanksgiving to you all! I will share a few pictures for the highlights of my day!

Thanksgiving Prep

Today was wild and great! My kitchen has not seen so much action in forever. My Mom came over today and will be spending the night so that she will already be here for Thanksgiving Dinner. She worked on preparing her cornbread dressing and this is the first year that I paid enough attention to learn some of her tricks to getting to taste so yummy!! We will do all the final work on the cornbread dressing in the morning. My husband and I are hosting the dinner at our home and we are cooking three turkeys! I know it sounds excessive, but I love turkey and I love to eat it for leftovers and it is on my diet!! One thing that is not on my diet is pecan pie and I made four of them tonight! They are almost finished cooling. Our house smells wonderful and it really feels wonderful having my mom working beside me in the kitchen. My mom and I have not always had the best relationship, but we have come so far in the last few years! I try really hard not to focus on the past and just live for the present and hope for a bright future! She is currently in Chemo for breast cancer and so I do not take one moment for granted these days! She is doing well with the chemo, but has other health concerns. I just really hope that she will be around for a long time to meet all of her future grandchildren!
Well, I hope that our families are able to enjoy the dinner we prepare and find themselves full of thankfulness this year! Happy Thanksgiving to all, I will pray for you all!

Celebration of Christ the King

The feast of Christ the King is such a spendid feast day. I found that the scripture readings really ministered to my wondering heart. I wonder how Christ will care for me in the future, how he will supply for all of my needs! The first reading, which is below reminded me how God will always care for me and provide for all of my needs.

Ez 34:11-12, 15-17Thus says the Lord GOD:I myself will look after and tend my sheep. As a shepherd tends his flockwhen he finds himself among his scattered sheep,so will I tend my sheep.I will rescue them from every place where they were scatteredwhen it was cloudy and dark. I myself will pasture my sheep;I myself will give them rest, says the Lord GOD. The lost I will seek out,the strayed I will bring back,the injured I will bind up,the sick I will heal,but the sleek and the strong I will destroy,shepherding them rightly.As for you, my sheep, says the Lord GOD,I will judge between one sheep and another,between rams and goats.

My favorite line that refers to God coming to rescue me from wherever I have scattered when it was cloudy and dark! The days in the past eight years have certainly had their fair share of sad and cloudy days and it reminded me how easy it is to scatter away from God at these times. It filled my heart with deep peace to hear his promises when He tells us He wil seek out the lost, bring back the strayed, bind up the injured, and heal the sick. I realized that God recognizes that there will always be those who will stray, be injured or sick, or lost . . . but that is not where the story ends. He acts when all hope seems gone. It is at this time that he performs his miracles. So now, I am ready to say "God, I am ready for your miracles to tranform my life!" But as I am writing this, I realize that God is already bringing me healing and hope!

God is so good to me at this time and I suppose, I am blessed to even see His hand in all of this. Today, my husband and I ran into a lady we know from church. She has a special story and it just reminds me that God does all things for the good of those who love him. She and her husband had been married for many years and tried for a long time to have a child. At some point in their journey, they chose to adopt a baby boy. They were just living it up and praising God for the miracles he placed in their lives. Six months later, came a huge surprise. She was pregnant and they had a little girl nine months later! The children are now in their 20's and doing great and it just reminded me that God is full of suprises. I don't know what God has in mind for me and my husband, but I will just trusting him with my todays and tomorrows.

Lately, I have been reflecting on the brief whisper of life from the first child that we were to only know for the briefest of time. The holidays always bring this about for me. Our little one would be seven years old and as I buy gifts for my niece, who is seven years old, I am mindful of what our child could possibly have wanted for Christmas this year. I also ask this child of God, who I know is in heaven, to pray for their mother and father. I am feeling their presence so much in the last few days. I have also just discovered that the name we chose for him/her, Sam, means, name of God. I can't imagine their being a more appropriate meaning. Well, I did not intend to share these thoughts, but I am grateful that they came to me in this way. With each passing year, I keep finding more aches and pains and wonder how I will be chasing the little ones I am praying for today!!!!
On a side note, I was able to take a fabulous nap today and now I am wired up trying to finish laundry for the week ahead. Sometimes I think that I have been so spoiled only having to care for myself and my husband, that I am going to have a hard time adjusting to the endless needs of new baby! Yet, I am willing get ready for a baby! We met a guy on Saturday and he said that he was the youngest of five boys! I just looked at my husband and just grinned! I had a cousin who had several boys in a row and kept trying for a girl, only to end up with five lively boys! At five, they decided they were content with their boys and felt no need to pursue the goal of having a little girl. I just want a healthy baby! May God bring us the desires of our heart. I trust that God is already working on it!

Fun Day

Instead of always posting about my sad days, I just want to say that I had a great day with my sweet husband today. We got the day started a little late and went to a mall and just wandered around for several hours. I have been looking for a new comforter set or quilt set for our bedroom for several months now and today he helped me look at lots of them from one end of the mall to the other. We finally found one that worked perfectly for our taste and decor at Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Once we made it home, we set everything up and it looks great! I am so excited. I am a sale girl and really picky when it come to decor. So I was so pleased to find something beautiful for a great price. I have been feeling more balanced emotionally. I am on cd 14 and I had 10K today! Before that cd 12 was a white baby stamp (6k) and cd 13 was a white baby stamp (8k). I am only seeing these observations about 1-2 times during the day, but already am seeing some changes. I usually have more fertile type mucus so this change can be a good thing, I think!!! Still a little unsure and keep wondering if my body would go back to being totally dysfunctional! That has me a little afraid, but I really try to not let the fear seep into the deep recesses of my heart! I am trying to stay hopeful and look at each day as one day closer to holding my own child in my arms. Deep down in my heart, I am dreaming of the day when God will send a nurse or doctor to say the sweetest words I am waiting to here and those words are "You're pregnant!" On a side note, someone came into my office on Friday and excitedly told me "You want to know about my dream I had last night? I dreamed you had a baby! I could not tell if the baby was a boy or girl, though, I am sorry. Oh, and Fr. Don baptized the baby!" Fr. Don is the priest I work with and who is predicting I will be pregnant by Christmas. It is great to have such faith filled people. I am just not in the business of giving God deadlines anymore! I know that he works at his own pace and not mine! It has only taken me about 15 years to learn this lesson! Hope my future children won't be as stubborn as their Mom! Wishful thinking, I am sure. Well, anyway, going to head to bed. I have an early morning tomorrow for early Mass. Enjoy the Fease of Christ the King.

Hopeful Day

Today I did something completely out of character for me! I was out shopping for gifts on my lunch break and, of course, made my way through the baby section. I keep thinking that I need to start picking up a few, gender neutral items, to preapre since I am waiting with expectation. I found this adorable little diaper bag mared 1/2 off and so it was only eleven dollars. I did everything I could to talk myselft out of purchasing it, but I just knew that if I could buy this, it would mean that I really am hopeful that I will be pregnant one day (soon)! Well, I did buy the adorable diaper bag and I while I thought I must have fallen off of my rocker, I was so happy for the rest of the day. My husband just laughed at me, but loved seeing the smile on my face. By the way, when I made it to check out, the sales clerk gave me a gift card for $10, so this sweet diaper bag was only $1!!! Can you believe it? I think it was meant for me to find and was a test of faith as to whether I am truly hoping in the Lord! I am not being naive, but I am being hopeful!

By the way my Godson, Gauge, has been able to go home and all of his tests came back clear. I prayed to St. Gianna for her intercession and I believe she brought my prayers to Jesus. Also, a priest came by to pray with a family on the Pedi floor and somehow ended up in his room and met with my him and my SIL. She is not really active in her faith, but has recently been coming closed to the Lord. Well, he got lost, but ended up right where God wanted him. He prayed with my SIL and prayed a blessing over Gauge. It made my heart soar to know that God is full of suprises! Thank you all who joined us in prayer for him!

Good News!

Just a fun little update. I got to talk to one of my very close friends today and she immediately asked me "Do you have some good news to share?" That simple question took me by suprise and I immediately told her "NO". But it even felt like a step in the right direction that she felt the liberty to ask. Well, she went on to ask how I was doing and being the great friend that she is, she already knew that I needed to express some of my heartfelt concerns. I told her that I had been having a hard time handling my emotions lately and she quickly came back with "That is GREAT news! You are starting to act like me!" You must know this about my friend. She is one of the most emotional and FERTILE woman that I know. In five years they had three beautiful children through NFP. I talked further with her about what I had been going through and she just confirmed that God must be really getting ready to bless us tremendously!! She said that Satan is just trying to distract you from finding the joy God has in store for you. She said that she went through similiar emotions right before she was blessed with each of her children. I think that our miracles will come one day, although I am not sure they will come as quickly as hers, but I was really encouraged by her simple honesty.
I am cd 10 and I will be able to use another green sticker this evening. It is a complete transformation. Last month, I went straight from red stickers to white baby stickers. I am so glad to be finally feeling better although I keep getting fluttering sensations sprinkled with some sharp pains in my lower abdomen area. Don't really know what is going on, but at this point I am seeing some pretty good things happening!!! I am so glad I am feeling better. I feel like this is a very distorted post, but I hope that my friend is right! I am so thankful that I have such holy women in my life! I am so blessed.

Feeling Better - Thank goodness

Just a quick update to say that I am begining to feel better. My moods are more even today and I am thankful that I was able to pour my heart out in last night's blog. This blogging is very helpful for me to sort out my feelings and fears. Finally getting some green days and I am on cd 9. If anyone reads this, please pray for my little godson, Gauge. He had to be brought to the hospital yesterday and they did a spinal tap on him to make sure he doesn't have spinal meningitis (can't remember how to spell it). I was so freaked out when SIL called me bc I have never had one child that I worked with in the past that was diagnosed with it. We went up to visit, and thankfully I knew the specialist working with Gauge and felt completely assured that he was getting the best care possible in our part of the world. Today he will be 3 wks old. I was able to feed and put him to sleep before we left, but it was so hard to leave him. They are still waiting for the results from the tests. This type of illness is so rare and while I am thankful that I had no previous experience with it, I would prefer to know some success stories in the event that he is diagnosed with this. In information from the web, it is a very dangerous and scary illness. I have prayed that St. Gianna will bring our prayer to Jesus. Well, for now, I better get back to work.

Heartfelt prayers

I have not had the best week. I am not really sure what is going on with my body these days. I have not been hurting for the last several days, but my emotions are all over the place. I just feel like a different person lately. I am just getting so sad lately and not really used to feeling this way. I thought I would be back to my old self by now, but so far I am still not myself. I am not really at the moment, just at certain times. Like today at mass, I was just so sad. I prayed the most desperate prayer I can ever remember praying. I think it was just one sentence and it went something like this: "God, I just don't know what to say right now. I am just so miserable. Lord, please bring me back my joy." I even had tears threatening to escape as I was going to receive Eucharist. The verse that brought the tears to my eyes reminded me that God can heal my broken emotions and bring new life to the barrenness of my soul and body! That was my little snippet of hope that God heard my prayers and was offering me some solace. This evening has gone better and it helped that DH and I finally got to spend some quality time together. We have been having some different ideas on how things should go in our future and I really think that we are both suprised that we are going to have to really come up with some compromises so that we can both have our dreams come true.
I recently got to see my spiritual director and she helped me confirm that I need to be patient with my body as it heals and trust that God has many great blessings in store for the future. She also told me that it may be possible that I will experience some depression following such a major surgery and I am not sure if this is what is happening, but maybe it won't be so scary this way. I will just keep monitoring it all. I used to be really concerned about being careful not to offend others and I was basically a very passive person who would keep my complaints to myself, but not lately. I am just wondering if I am the only one who has experienced this type of emotional change as they were healing from surgery. I was even thinking of asking the nurse at PPVI Institute if I should be concerned about this. Well, anyway, until then, I will keep observing, praying, hoping, and believing in God's goodness.

Ever Grateful

I must say that today was a pretty good day. I am on cd 4 and the symptoms are slacking off a little. I am used to having about 54 red stickers in a row, I would literally run out of red stickers and have to order more or get creative and make my own red stickers. I had terribly irregular cycles and for the last 2 cycles, I have only had to use about seven red stickers and my charts are actually resembling that of a somewhat normal person. I think when Dr. Hilgers looked at my chart, he had such pity for me. I have not ever found another person who shared my particular problems with my cycles, but I have found others who did have the same diagnosis as I was given. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and I am ever grateful that God allowed me to find someone who was willing to help me. I remember that my Creighton Instructor was so shocked, although she did try to hide her reaction, that she was even more determined to help me.
On a sidenote, I have really severe cramps, so Dr. Hilgers prescribed Pontsel (steroid) to help relieve these symptoms. The great thing is that it really helps me function and feel well enough to go to work at the beginning of my cycle, it makes me stay hungry and I am not so great at deflecting hunger, so I gain weight at this time. It tends to always disappear, but it just makes me feel like such a yo-yo. I have lost nearly 30 lbs. since March and I want to lose alot more, so I hope that happens soon.
By the way, I found out today that the little girl we were praying for to have a new adoptive family was adopted (or in the beginning stages of adoption). I am so HAPPY! I realized that it was a breakthrough for me that I even thought to fully surrender this little girl into God's hands and prayed for her well being and not my own. I reflected on this on my way home this afternoon and wondered why this seemed to be a natural thing for me to do and it was because I realized that she was never mine. Not mine to keep. I then realized that the child I miscarried and the one I really wanted to adopt in 2007 were never mine to keep either. I like to believe that when I am blessed with children, I will remember that they are GOD'S CHILDREN. He has just given DH and I the great responsiblity of loving them as He would love them and teach them and form them in the ways of God. Our greatest responsiblity will be to help them love and serve God and find all of their hope in HIM. This was a great revelation for me. God is so good to me!

Better Days

Just an update that I am finally feeling a little better. I had a really tough time emotionally for the last few days. I just really felt very sensitive and not in sync with my husband. Which is not really like me at all. It just seemed that for a day or two, we saw the world in completely different ways and I really wanted us to see the world and our dreams in the same way. He began to change his mind about adoption, but I was really unsure if this was for the right reasons or if he was just trying to make me happy. The most confusing part of all of it was that in the middle of the night on Sunday, I woke up just thinking about that little girl I had mentioned before who was needing a family to love her. I had not really invested a lot of dreaming that she could one day be my child, I just prayed that she found her way to the parents God had prepared for her. But in the middle of the night, I felt the urgency to completely place her in God's hands. I told God that I surrender her and all of her needs to you. I pray for her new parents, whoever they may be, and asked God just to protect her soul. I had come to the realization earlier in the weekend that just becasue I hear of all of these sad situations, doesn't mean that I can take all of these children home with me. I have such a soft heart. Once I surrendered her and and her future to God, I slept like a baby for the rest of the night. The next day, my husband gets the text that I tried to send to him on Friday sharing a little more of her story. The message got lost in limbo until 1030 am on Monday (11/10/08) when I sent it at 11 am on Friday (11/7/08). For some reason, his heart was softened and he began to speak of her in a real way . . . he went on to ask me if I could get a picture of the little girl because he was curious. He could not imagine how she could not be loved in a powerful way by her own flesh and blood. I really was confused and felt that my emotions were really being played with at this time. The only thing I could wonder in all of this chaos was "Is God trying to bring about a wonderful miracle in life of our family?" I knew it would not be wise for me to dream (dream big) about what the future could hold for us!! I wondered is it crazy that we have just given it one month to see if we would conceive. I wondered if I could handle raising a little baby and possibly find myself pregnant in the next year or 18 moths? Am I trying to have my will above the will of God and I really did not think so. I just keep feeling that this could be a great blessing and not that I am giving up on trying to conceive a child, I would just be so happy to love and raise this little one too! I did not have it in my mind that this child would be our to adopt and I did not hang all of my hope on it, but I wonder if God has other plans. I just hope that God will continue to bless this journey that I am on with my good and faithful husband.
On a side note, I received one of the most beautiful blessings today. There is a torch going from Mexico City to New York in anticipation of the Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe. The torch and the runner will arrive in NY on her Feast Day. I found out on Friday that they were going to be near my home, but I did not remember it when they actually arrived on Monday because of all the things and emotions were were dealing with at home. Well, lo and behold, I am on my way to work this morning and for some reason I took an alternate route and was running a little late becasue I could not find the pants I really wanted to wear and when I got to one of the major traffic lights on my commute, I was stopped by a cop who was halting traffic for the torch bearer who was following the lifesize image of Our Lady of Guadalupe down the highway. I have just recently discovered Our Lady of Guadalupe when a friend gave me a authentic image of her from Mexico. She was very insistant that I have it and it has since been fully present in our living room. When I was preparing for my 2nd surgery with Dr. Hilgers, another dear friend of my suggested that I choose a Novena to pray and ask all of those who have been with us on our journey to pray this novena with us as we prepared for our trip, surgery, good health, and the blessing of a family built by God. I was led to choose to do a novena to Our Lady of Guadalupe. So to make a long story short, I felt like God just reached down from heaven and showed me this morning that no matter where my path leads me, if I desire to see Him, He will find me and bless me. Like I said, I am in a much better place today than I was on Sunday! Thank God for answered prayers. By the way, Melody wrote that a friend had told her when she was contemplating adoption "that adoption could not be a mistake in following God's will', I am paraphrasing, and I am clinging to that. I am just thinking that down the road, I won't be saying "Oh I wish we had not adopted" I will likely be saying "Oh how I wished we had adopted!"

Sad & Grumpy

I woke up today to the tell-tale signs that cd 1 has arrived. What a greeting before having to get ready for Mass. I was suprised! What a sad reaction! I just remember being so shocked. I really thought we had a chance to conceive this cycle. I don't know why I am trying to rush things. My cycle lasted exactly 28 days, which is the first time it has done this since I miscarried. The only thing I have to look foward to at this point is to see how the P+7 blood tests comee out. This will be my first cycle to have to do this type of blood work and I am hoping that I have a clear and prominent Peak. I am currently having lots of white baby days and what appears to be fertile mucus which to me feels like a bad joke at this stage of the game.
I was so sad and did not even want to go to Mass, but knew that just receiving the Eucharist would bring some healing to my hurting soul. I felt like I hit rock bottom again because when I sat in the pew and then knelt in prayer . . . . I didn't have much in the way of words to say to God. I made a short heartfelt plea to him just to keep my husband and I safe and that He would protect and bless our marriage. I said a few intercessions for my loved ones. But that was it. I was suffering and felt that anguish of being in my own tomb on a Good Friday kind of day. . .waiting for Easter and Resurrection. I may be waiting for awhile in this darkness, but my hope remains in the Resurrection.
At Mass, it did not help that a new couple that I have only seen a few times were in church with a beautiful baby boy and they sat directly behind me making sweet cooing sounds to quiet him and I heard his beautiful little giggles. It was the first time in months that it took all that I had to not want to walk out and let all of my tears consume me. The tears were brimming over, but fortunately they waited to fall once I was leaving the church parking lot. It was actually a relief to not have to explain my unruly emotions to my husband. He had taken his brother and my cousin out deer hunting early this morning and I was able to nurture my conflicting emotions without him feeling the need to "FIX" them.
I don't know if I am the only woman in the world to get along with my husband and overlook so many little nit-picky things about him when I am about to start a new cycle and ending the current one. I love my husband and I feel honored to share my life with his, but on these days all that seems to glare at me is our differences and I pompously think that I really know it all and he has no clue. How unbearable for him to live with me during these times and then a few days later I am back to my old, contented, happy, and loving self. I have only just begun to notice that strong pattern for these emotions and it is disturbing. Thankfully they don't last long. There are other symptoms that I am starting to come to show up if a new cycle is on it's way. I tend to have crazy back pain, grumpiness, AP, and a slight fever among other symptoms.
Well, enough rambling for the time being. I feel like an evil witch came to reside in my body and I am waiting for her to take her leave.
By the way, thanks for all of the caring and supportive comments recently regarding my blog on advent and adoption. You all are so kind and I pray that God blesses you all and is with you all.

Good Times

Well, we just made it home and it is nice no hear the voices of little boys in our home. Did I ever mention that we only have little boys in our families? The last six children born in our families are boys. It is actually all I am really accustomed to, but would be so happy to be blessed with a girl one day. Either would make us both happy.
Well since I was so distressed yesterday, I just wanted to remind myself of all the things I am thankful for today. I got to have a great day at work and quickly went to meet my husband so we could go get our godchild then headed to a local high school football game to see one of my cousins celebrate his senior night. I did not realize how much I just love being around my family. It was so much fun! Our godchild had an amazing time and we loved watching his excitment! But boy do little boys start early, because he sure loved those girls on the dance line. Well, now he and of my other young cousins are playing games right now and I best get to see what they are up to at the moment. Thank God for good days!

Opportunities, Advent, & Adoption!

I can finally see how blogging can be very therapeutic. I had a crazy day, it wasn't really a bad day. I just did not feel like my typical self. I was a little grumpy and very moody. I usually love all of my creative projects, but today I was just like what is the point. I was working on a special project for Advent season, which ultimately turned out amazing. When I got to the very last line of the meditation, I realized that it was just the words I needed to reflect on for the day. Simply, it reminded me that Advent is the season of waiting. Waiting is the theme in my life. This time is my advent. There is something greater and purposful in my waiting, my advent! Advent is not a passive waiting, it is a time for preparation - making ready the path for Christ. Which, if we all believe in the fact that we are all made in the image of Christ, that could also mean preparing the way for our children. When I was discerning the opportunity to pursue adoption, I really struggling with the fact that when my friends and family members were having children, they were always saying to one another "Oh, the new baby has your eyes, " or "Oh the baby has his mother's nose!" This made me wonder what would my reaction be when I first laid eyes on my new child, given through the gift of adoption, and through great prayer and meditation, God revealed to me that it did not matter if he/she did not have our eyes, nose, ears, etc. but that she was made in the image of Christ!!! I could always tell her she/he looked just like their heavenly Father. This brought me great comfort and peace, as well as tons of excitement. Well, months later, I was sharing this story with my dear friend who was also pursuing adoption. I knew at that time that adoption might not be what God had in mind for us, but I was still sad about this possibility. It was then that I realized that maybe God brought me down this crazy (mazey) journey just so that I could fully understand and support those who were able to make their dream of adoption possible. I can honestly say that the spirit of adoption brings out the best of the human spirit! We see the spirit of true, unbiased love that goes the distance. It is truly a miracle.
I did not really intend to talk so much about adoption, but it has just been the theme of my day today. I was able to visit one of my friends has a miraculous adoption story with her beautiful baby and I got to love on her during my lunch break. I got to feed, burp, and, play with this beautiful child who has brought so many people so much joy. Well, I finally got out of my sour mood as I was returning to work. Then the unexpected happen. Why I say it is unexpected, is silly, because lately, it has happened several times. I was walking into my office and I mentioned that I had a great visit with my friend and her baby and how this made me so happy. She then went on to tell me that she thought of me when she found out that this little baby needed to be adopted. The baby is a little girl and only 2 1/2 months old. Her mother was a young teen mother and ran away from home leaving the child with the grandmother and the grandmother knew that she could not raise the child. They are trying to place the child with an adoptive family. This lady was hesitant to share this with me earlier last week when I returned to work because she did not know if my DH and I would be interested because the child is multiracial. I sadly explained that I would say "YES" wholeheartedly, but my husband just really had some concerns about adopting a child who is multiracial because where he grew up these children were so mistreated by their peers and extended family that he did not want to have his child suffer in this way. I know we are in the 21st century and this is not really an issue anymore, but this really breaks my husband's heart. I just believe that God's love would fill our hearts and help us to have the wisdom to handle all the challenges we would face no matter what race or nationality of our child. I know this sounds terribly ridiculous and I pray that no one finds this offensive. The crazy part is that when I actually shared this story with my husband, he actually considered it a possiblity before finding out all of the facts of the situation. Ican't help but wonder if God is simply trying to break into our hearts and let us know that love knows no boundaries, race included. It would be a miracle if my DH finally made peace with this issue. I pray and trust that God will change his heart as he wills to do so! This is not something that we discussed prior to marriage and I firmly believe that couples should disuss how they would feel and what their plans would be if in the future they find out that they would not be able to conceive a child. Who knows I may be wrong, but I think that couples should know that they can't just expect that if you are married and wish to have child may not always be blessed with a child that they conceive naturally - that they just might be able to be blessed with a child through adoption. When we had an opportunity to adopt last July, my DH and I suffered greatly in both wanting different things and ultimately I knew that I did not want to twist my husband's arm to adopt any child that he was not sure he could love with his whole being. Personally, I believe that his heart would have melted the moment he held his new baby in his arms, but that opportunity did not come. In the process, I tried to help the young woman find a home for her baby girl. I went to about five different couples who were trying to adopt and none of them wanted to adopt her because she was multiracial. No one, no one asked is she going to be healthy. They just shut it down right away! It blew me away, then I started to meet beautiful people who wanted a baby regardless of the race of the child. We eventually found a home for this beautiful girl. The night that I found out about her and that her mom was open to us adopting her, I gave her a name "Ava". I felt that in a way, I was giving her away too! This was one of the most difficult times in my life. She was placed into a very loving family and the whole family adores her. She remains in my prayers and I will always love her, just as I love the child I miscarried. We never had the honor of knowing their gender, so we named him/her "Sam" for either Samuel or Samantha. I will never forget the selflessness my husband showed to me the day we were both crying trying to discern whether to move foward with the adoption of Ava. He told me "How do we know that this child is not meant to have this other couple for her parents." I told him because "We have prayed for her for so long". He responded with "maybe they have been praying longer than we have" I could not argue with him any longer. I knew he could be right! Eventually, God healed my heart and then began to open wide the doors to find healing for myself.
When I started learning the Creighton Model, DH and I began to do so knowing that I really needed to find healing before we could ever conceive or even seek adoption. We were told that Dr. Hilgers could really help us find out if there was a possibility that we could conceive in the future or if we needed to prepare for adoption. We were blown away when he was able to address all of my health concerns and tell us that we had favorable odds for conceiving in 12-18 months. Wow!
So now, I still wonder why is God placing such tempting offers with adoption. Then, I prayed about it and wondered if God is just using me to help connect these beautiful babies with their waiting parents. It is amazing that when you are facing fertility concerns, you open up your heart to people and they do the same. I am fortunate enough to know several families who may be interested in adopting this beautiful child. I just pray that God would not allow me to give away the very gift He is trying to send to me and my husband. I hate that I am so wishy-washy on this, but I can't help it! I just really want to do God's will and not my own.
To end this crazy post, I will mention the phrase someone used to describe my present stage in life. They told me that I "was pregnant with hope!" What a beautiful image and a miraculous place to be. Advent will be very special this year, because waiting continues to take on new meaning with each passing day!

Still Waiting

Well, today did not turn out to be day one as I expected. Not really sure what this all means. I just keep thinking of the commercials where the lady shows us to give the woman on vacation "Her Monthly Gift". I was not exactly looking foward to it at this point, but I would like some consistency. I have not been cramping to much today. I am not too worried, but my hopes are STILL elevated.

Overall, though, things are going pretty well. I met an amazing person today who was a volunteer helping to help rebuild some homes that were damaged from the recent Hurricanes that made their presence known along the LA Gulf Coast. He had recently lost his volunteer housing and was seeking shelter at our center. What kept going through my mind was the phrase "No room at the inn." Fortunately, we had some ladies at the diocese who helped find him some longer term shelter than we could offer, but I just kept thinking that if there is no place for him, I will just let him stay at our house. I told my DH about this when I returned home and he thought I was crazy! I learned that I tend to follow my faith in being like the Samaritan and my husband tends to use more life sense. Well, anyway, if it turns out if this guy needs some other assistance, my DH and I came up with a plan to help, a much safer one.

DH and I are looking forward to having one of our godchildren with us this weekend. He is so excited to be coming over to our home. We will be taking him to a local high school football game for one of my cousin's senior night celebrations. Then on Saturday we are going to be bringing him to the zoo! He has never experienced either type of event before, so we are excited to see how much he will enjoy this time. He is at that wonderful stage of "Why?', "Why?", you get the picture. We can't wait for him and our other family members to have a new baby to love and play with in the near (hopefully) future.

Waiting

I feel in my body that my cycle is ending and I am not happy about this. I don't know why I am so disappointed, I know I said I would be thankful and be content just to know that my body is doing something somewhat normalized. What a run-on sentence. Further evidence of my sour mood at the moment. I am not devasted, just disappointed. You know how you just start to believe in the possibility that it might happen this month and that belief sort of slacks off. That is just what I am experiencing. I was already trying to calculate possible birthdates. Being optomistic apparently can leave someone feeling lousy for a little while. I say a little while, because I know that this too shall pass! Just waiting for my turn around the sun!

Wondering in my heart

I have been having some crazy physical symptoms that have never been so apparent before and although I have been saying that I am very hopeful that God would bless me with a good pregnancy and a baby to love one day soon, I am a little cautious to believe that it could actually happen. I don't know what this means. I have been looking at my chart to see how many more days I have until my cycle should end and so far it has been eithher 26 or 27 days. I am currently on day 23 and not really sure if my side effects are the same atsthe times before. I just have this terrible tiredness, craving lots of food and not the good ones, and such extreme tenderness in my chest area. I happened to receive an email from Parent's magazine today, so I followed it's link to the articles that were suggested for women trying to conceive. I checked out an article that described 13 ways to know if you might be pregnant. The first symptom was breast tenderness, which is my most prominent complaint right now and for the first time, I really got a stirring of excitement in my gut! I almost wanted to say "Look, don't go and get your hopes up!!" It was then that I realized that if I am saying in my mind that I am hopeful, then I have to do so with my whole being! What sobering thought and challenge! I don't have all of the other symptoms and I know that this particular sympton is a typical precursor to strarting a new cycle, but I have never experienced it to this degree before. I can keep praying! I will not be disappointed either way, because just having a more normalized cycle for me is a tremendous blessing.

By the way, we my husband and I went to Omaha in July for my first visit with Dr. Hilgers and to my first surgery, we did our best to make the days leading up to the appointment a vacation! We explored the zoo, a drive through safari, and Boys Town, but our most unexpected blessing was finding the Holy Family Shrine. We learned the story of how God used certain people to put the building plans into action and how it all came to be. There were all kinds of difficulties and it took them longer to build it than they expected and it reminded me that it all came to completion according to God's timetable and not the timetable of the builders and it was just a reminder that God can still do amazing things in my future too! I am adding some picutres! It is a great reminder of what a beautiful place we were able to find and how it was in the middle of nowhere, but exactly where it was destined to be! The pictures above are some pics we took while we were at the Shrine! It is just a reminder, that if God wills it and we follow His call, beautiful things can happen!

Hope Affirmed

Today has started off to very good, as I began it by reviewing the scriptures for Mass today. I am a lector at our little country church and this ministry has always helped me to really focus on the scriptures and really get to the heart of the message because this is what I really want to bring across to those gathered at Mass with me. Today, the central message was that those who hope in the Lord will not be disappointed and the responsorial psalm reminded us that the Lord is our sheperd; there is nothing that we shall want! I thought of allyouwhohope when I heard the choir singing out that chorus.



The following is a quote from my workbook for lectors (by James Weaver): "In common English usage, hope is a wish, a desire, a possiblity, something one wants very much, but which still might not happen. This does not describe Paul's hope in the glory of God. Paul's hope 'does not disappoint,' for God's love, which confirms and sustains his hope, has been proven by the reconcilitation that Christ's death achieved between the world and God."



I just keep thinking that God would find comfort in my being hopeful in regard to having my family grow. I know that he knows just the emotion of desiring to have his children to come to him. Scripture tells us that he has a spirit of adoption, desiring to call of us to himself and if we are desiring to be made in the image and likeness of God, this, too, includes His desire to bring all of his children home to him. I don't know how my children will come to me, I just have faith that they will come. Even as we celebrate the Feast of All Souls, I am thankful for the child that I miscarried. I feel so honored that God chose to call my husband and I to be co-creators with him in creating this beautiful soul that now resides with him. I am living proof that when you allow yourself to work out your anger and fear of God's ways, He can deliver you to a much higher place, spiritually, of course!!!



I am reminded that I put my hope and trust in God in many different areas of my life and I was not disappointed. First of all, when I was a freshman in high school, one of my teachers encouraged me to pray for my future husband and that God would keep him safe, free from life changing temptation, and prepare his heart and soul to be shared with mine at the appointed time that God wished to bring us together. I prayed so fervently for him. . . for seven long years! God answered all of my prayers and surpassed my expectations! Why should my prayers for my children be any different. I know, by faith, that God will send a child to me to love, nurture, and show them the way to Christ. I don't know how this will all come about, but then again there were days when I was unsure of how God would decide to place me on the path to my husband. God is full of suprises and it was an adventure that I wouldn't trade in for the world. Yes, I admit there are no gurantees, but it is worth it to me to hope. My husband and I have been married for 8 years and we have never stopped dreaming about our children and I believe that God has placed this desire in our hearts for a reason! The years are passing, but for the first time in seven years, I finally know what I am up against in preparing my body to be ready to embrace new life within my womb! I know that God has blessed my journey thus far and I am praying that I will be able to continue to hear his voice so that I can continue following him.



As far as an update on my cycle, I am on cycle day 22 and I have been having lots of pain in my joints, right hip, and severe breast tenderness. My cycles, for the last 3 months, have been b/t 26-28 days. Before this, my cycles were so bizarre, I won't even bother you by describing it. It is amazing and miraculous that I have even been able to find a doctor and nursing staff that treat me with dignity, that it is just another example of something that I hoped and prayed for and God saw fit to give me the desires of my heart. God wants me healthy, so that I can use my energy to building up His kingdom! I will continue to do my part in making this happen!