Day 9: 30 Days of Thankfulness

 

You know, I have been thinking about the older boys so much and what it is that I carry in my heart for them.  No matter what, I am thankful for them.  But it takes a picture like this one to make me realize that what my heart is learning is so much bigger than myself.  I could not believe how far they have come.  I was looking for one of my earliest digital photographs of the boys to capture the love I remember that overflowed immensely and was struck by their expressions, their clothing, to sadness in their faces.  I think there is more to this picture than just not wanting to take a picture. 

This week it hit me like a ton of brick, these boys have always been mine.  I remember when my aunt was pregnant with Matthew, I was thrilled.  His parents experienced infertility and one loss before he arrived and he was a long-awaited gift.  I was just in my second year at the university, but I would stop by just to be in my Aunt’s presence as she was pregnant with him, similar to Mother Mary’s visit to Elizabeth.  My aunt was excited but never really understood my connection to this child I have never met.  I loved him for the moment he was just a little whisper of God’s promise.  He came amid shouts of joy and was the center of his parents world.  Our whole family adored him. 

Just barely six months later, my Aunt found herself pregnant again and there was quite the little baby boom in October of that year that was due to the big blessing of a IceStorm that January.  Even with Mitchell, I felt the same kind of connection with him, I loved him from the moment we knew of his existence.  Their family was very busy for awhile while they learned to have a newborn and 15 month old at the same time.  I saw less of them for awhile.  Yet, in 1999, we were given a significant role in caring for both both boys when their father became very ill.  Jessy I started dating in Jauary of that year, my Uncle Greg got sick that August and died a few weeks later.  Jessy helped me a lot with them when they were toddlers and my friends in college always laughed at me because I always had two carseats in my car from that time on.

Mitchell was barely two and Matthew just turned three when we held them tight at Our Lady Queen of Heaven for their Daddy’s funeral.  I still never thought we would be the ones to raise this boys.  In the years that followed, the boys were sometimes with us, with their grandparents, and their aunts and uncles while their Mom tried to learn to handle the grief of becoming a widow in her early 30’s and learning to be a single parent.  I really think that she tried her best but her body was weak, her spirit tired, and her choices reflected that she was just worn-out and exhausted.  Raising boys is hard, raising boys with ADHD and other behavior concerns can wipe someone’s spirit quick.  My aunt was never in the best of health and she quickly declined when she battled breast cancer, severe heart conditions that led to strokes, and mental health issues.

So as I have been battling to choose to love these children because these days it just doesn’t come automatically I needed to be able to pull up those deep feelings of love that I have always had for them.  We find ourselves able to get along well with Matthew, the older one, but the younger one is deeply resentful and as I spoke with the counselor yesterday this is just going to be the best that he can give us right now.  I am trying so hard to build relationship with them and thankfully one is responding to that.  We are just going to have to still love Mitchell, just like we always have but we have to not let him know that his ways of shutting us out are bothering us.  The counselor seems to think that since he knows it bothers us, that is the only way he is feeling he has some power in the situation of not living with his Momma anymore.  We did not take them away, we took them in.  There is a HUGE difference there.  This realization is helpful for me when I am going crazy with an extremely moody toddler, a moody teenager, and my own emotions feel wacky because of my hormones. 

So today I am thankful we can see the incredible difference from these boys (above) to these boys (below)!

Is it just me or do these boys seem as difference as night and day from before?

You know some people tell me we must be doing a good job with these boys and I know that they mean well, but I truly can think of a million ways I can better show them love, show them a servant's heart, exemplify Christ.