sleepless

I have a lot on my mind at this late hour. I just decided I did not want to be crying myself to sleep again tonight, so I got up.

There are so many things weighing on my spirit, that I feel so grieved. I don't really know how to get out of this dark place. Part of me just wants to run away and start all over, knowing what I know now. I can't do that though. This is what life is all about, making mistakes, bad things happening to good people, dreaming despite adversity.

There is a particular hardship I am facing and it has been brewing for many years, but I have just been one to sweep it under the rug, praying that with time it would change and it just hasn't. This is a really vital part of my life and I am suffering.

I think that I have been trying to find fulfillment during this time of grief and fulfillment is just not going to happen right now. So anyway, I am not crying in bed, I am crying at the keyboard.

Clomid, if it is you that is making me this doggone emotional - I hate what you are doing to me. In all honesty, on the clomid the things that I agree to settle with and just manage with because it is my lot in life are magnified to impossible to live with magnitude.

I know that I have an attitude, I came home and baked cookies and ate two of them and then ate some cookie dough while it was baking.

I know that I need a retreat, a vacation, or some time to just heal and figure out a plan for my life. I feel like I have to be in survival mode all over again.

I read today "Mother, do not weep for me." It was Jesus' statement to his mother on the road to Calvary. I was deeply convicted to not spend all of my time weeping for my children who are residing in the presence of God. I find myself getting angry looking at a calendar and watching just how fast the time is flying by and there is no baby to be celebrating monthly milestones with right now.

I know that Jesus suffered so greatly and in my ignorance, I ask God "How much more suffering can I take?" I don't really want to know the answer to that question. I need to start asking "How much joy can I accept and live with in my life?" Maybe my life would change.

As I was laying in bed, trying to will my mind to rest enough for me to fall asleep, I realized that I nearly spent all of my 20's trying to conceive and carry a baby, plus a few years into my 30's. Five months after my 23rd birthday, I married the best man in the world for me and our worlds quickly turned upside down after that first miscarriage that happened so quickly and so early in our marriage. It has never really been right side up ever again, we just became the wounded healers and in allt the right ways that can be good, but sometimes that just manifests into a bad way. There are lasting effects of losing a child that you desperately want and barely even got to celebrate. Then our suffering was compounded with 8 years of infertility, then major surgeries, another loss of a child (though much more traumatic) and now the grief is so thick and heavy it is hard to muddle my way through.

There are some other significant things I am grieving right now, but I just don't want to put them into words.

Dearest Abba,
Please have compassion on me and my dear husband. Help us to grow in holiness, seeking your will above our own. Help us to be life giving to one another and preparing one another for heaven and union with you for all eternity. Make our marriage fruitful, sacramental, and life giving for all those who see us, love us, and pray for us. I beg you to pour your love into our hearts, knit new life within our family, and forgive us for all the ways we have harmed the body of Christ. Amen.