Ash Wednesday w/ update

I cried myself to sleep again last night.

I hope that one day I can go back and read this words and realize there was a purpose behind all of it.

I am near tears again, just thinking about it all and the state of my current place in life.

What set things off could have quite possibly been avoided, but some things need to surface once and for all. Let just say that my husband sent me my favorite flowers today to offer some sunshine, but I really am not accepting it for the gift that they are and the goodwill behind them.

I begged God today to make me a better wife, somehow. Maybe I am the loose cannon in all of this. I don’t really know anymore, but what I do know is that I am hurting and I have never been good at avoiding issues and I can’t avoid the ones staring me down. I did have some peace after I did some journaling about it.

Life was not meant to only be one cross after another, there has to be time for resurrection. I know that I am starting out Lent with a bang. Welcome to the desert.

Today I envisioned Jesus entering the desert and wondering if all of it was for real. What suffering He must have endured, even before the laying of the cross on His shoulders.

I don’t have the energy to put away my grieving clothes, but I made up my face this morning and tried to make the best of the day.