Lent Reflections & Preparations

Daisy & Bailey (a familiar sight around here these days)



One more of the two girly kitties! I think we made a good decision to get Daisy a sister :)

Valentine's weekend was so much fun! We got to spend two whole days together without having to tend to other responsibilites and it was such a treat!

It felt really great to reconnect and not be pressured to have a gameplan. We just did what we wanted to do! So very unlike us. Now I have two more days off and I have already started the laundry, have the doors and windows open, and trying to decide which next chore I want to tackle. Clean the closet, go to the post office & grocery store, or clean the floors. I would much rather be at the beach with a good book, warm sun, and swift breeze as I listen to the crashing waves. In time, I suppose, have to live through winter first.

We had a very heartfelt discussion on trying to conceive, hopes, and dreams. It so difficult to hear that my husband in losing hope in being able to conceive again. I guess all of my fears that I express to him are weighing him down and the many months of trying and not achieving yet. It was so terrible to see him feeling hopeless and frustrated about all of this, but I guess it was just my turn to be the listening ear and buoy of hope. I am hopeful each cycle now, which makes the outcome we have been seeing so much harder. It is terrible to hear good results and good prognosis for pregnancy and still not be able to do what people seem to think is possible (I am referring to doctors and nurses whom I speak with on a regular basis). At this point, I have no timeline for God, I just want him to fill me and my husband with passion for some other dream if He so wills. I know it may sound awful, but we do need something that we are putting our heart and soul in to be fruitful in a very powerful way.

He took me to holy mass and as I was reading the reflection for the gospel, I was struck with peace. Here is an snippet from www.wau.org:

"Jesus didn’t come to earth to be poor, hated, and sad. He came to reveal the kingdom of God to a fallen people. Likewise, he doesn’t call us to become poor, hated, or sad. No, he offers us an experience of his Father’s love so great that everything else pales in comparison. He offers us a kingdom so magnificent that we will willingly endure hardship for the sake of embracing this kingdom and spreading its message into the world. With such promises, why would we ever fear God’s calling?"

This is a great reflection to start off with for LENT! I am not really ready for all the commitments I need to make for lent, but I know that last lent was so very fruitful for me and the marriage that I share with my husband.

There is a lot of emotion reminders that will come up during that time that I pray for the grace to handle well. It was last lent that I really laid down my IF, my desire for pregnancy, my need to control the outcome. It was a very freeing, but painful surrender and I really had no idea what God was going to do with that. I surrendered my desires at each and every prayer. Then I made my holy week retreat and during the time of spiritual direction was told to be bold with God "tell him what you want and that you have been waiting a really long time!" So I did, it was freeing beyond all of my surrendering, although I know that the surrendering was a necessary act to be able to boldly come to Jesus and tell him my desires with a pure heart. I cam home from retreat filled with joy and peace. God allowed us to conceive that week, Holy Week. During all of our Easter preparations, in secret, God was preparing a new soul, Nicky. What a blessing? I almost am entering into to Lent hoping that God has something as fruitful in mind for us. Hope is so hard, resignation is easy. I still feel so blessed to know that during the Easter season, I was able to nurture a life within me that I desired so very much.
So I guess, I am entering Lent this year very hopeful for the spiritual richness that I am certain God wants to share with me and I can't wait to find out who my prayer buddy will be this time!