I am finally breathing a bit easier. I called the doctor today and was told that since I am in the luteal phase and we are trying to concevie that I could take contac. I had never even heard of it, but it was approved my my very good doctor and so I set out to find some and thankfully I found some at the first stop on my way to the pro-life banquet. It was nice to be motivated in such a strong way by a great speaker. I thought about Lifehopes alot throughout the presentation because he kept saying that alot of the media tries to find pro-life advocates that are not articulate or educated and I remembered listening to her on that video and knowing that she was definitely not one of the ones to who he was referring. He really tried to get us to stand up for life in all ways and really encouraged men to be MEN. Beautiful.
Every time I would see an image of a baby in the womb, I thought of Sam and Nicky and how lucky I was to have them with me even for a short while. Lately, I have just been at peace knowing that I was blessed with the gift of their presence and I am thankful that their very lives made me a mother.
Some days are harder, but today was a good day. Praie the Lord!! Always and forever.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
All in a day!
Today has been such a weird day.
I had a really silly day at work yesterday and was thinking that I would love it if I would be able to take some time off from work (using the comp time I earned) and just get away for awhile. Well, as God would have it, I got a call from one of the part time ladies that is basically my only replacement and said that she had Thursday, Friday, and Monday off from her other job and she would love to work for me if I wanted to take some last minute time off. I quickly got approval and was so excited to have 5 days off and nothing pressing except one pro-life banquet on the Friday night. So, as my luck would have . . . I pick up the head cold that my husband had a week ago. Seriously? I would like to be able to breathe IN and OUT of my nose! My nose is so raw from sneezing, wiping, etc.
This is not how I wished to spend my time off. I really thought it would run its course quickly, but it is hanging around. I need to call the doctor to see what I should take since I am around p+3. I really think that I ovulated early than what my chart shows. I had so many white baby stamps this month that I eventually just stopped taking the fertile cm because I think it was just that being added in that kept me seeing the fertile type mucus.
On Tuesday we had a meditation that talked about a young couple who had been praying & trying to conceive for a very long time and then when they did conceive, it was with triplets. It led us to ask about what prayer are we praying that we have to WORK for, in addition to having faith that it could be answered. Well, my immediate reaction was BDing. Sometimes you are sick, tired, or just plain not in the mood and the chart says its’ time!!!! Well, this cycle we have been working and praying for a miracle. I do have to say that thankfully neither of us were sick or feeling bad during the time of opportunity. I just wish I could go have a drink with my husband, want to celebrate our love and conceive and it be a complete surprise even though we are always open to life. I wish I could just throw the charts and temp checking out of the window, but the outcome is worth all of the attention we are giving it.
Moving on, today I was able to make some phone calls and they were successful. The first one was to the mail order pharmacy and to address that they keep sending me the wrong meds and making me pay for it. Well, I finally got a kind, smart person and she fixed it all and the meds are on their way. So now it is reimbursed and I get free expediated shipping, and they are going to contact the doctor themselves, imagine that. She acknowledged ‘this was the least they could do’. I was amazed!!!! I have previously made at least 4 calls and got nowhere fast each time and this was my day for justice ;)
Next, while I was on a roll, I called our cell phone company and told them about the run around that we were experiencing in trying to use the phone insurance when my phone broke. We made three trips to the stores and two phone calls to them and every single person told us something different. Well, as I am explaining this to her I told her that we ended up just buying a nice go-phone and that it works fine, but we had to do that out of pocket. She asked me how much we spent and she credited the whole amount (tax and all) to our current bill and we still have $25 credit on our next bill. Really? I was so excited and thankful!!! I never expected her to offer that, I was just calling to find out how to file a claim and who I needed to send the receipt to in order to be reimbursed.
Next phone call I made was to see if we could get better prices on our auto insurance. We currently have a.ll.state and we were quoted a pretty good price ($30 a month cheaper) through pro.gressive. Does anyone have experience with pro.gressive? I am wanting to get some feedback. We have been with our other company for 10 years. I don’t want to just make a change and then be miserable or find out that they lack the ability to provide good services.
Also, I got an email from a local place I download my pictures to for prints and they told me I could get a free 8x10. I really had no need for a certain photo, but I found one of my aunt on the day of her baptism with her godson and her husband and I plan to frame it and give to her as a gift. Free!!! The other day, I was able to get a 8x10 collage print for free. You can't get any better than free!
Having a day off with pay and essentially making calls that will save you from paying nearly $200 in bills, etc. I would call that a productive day :)
Even though I have been feeling out of sorts with the cold, I was able to get all that done then clean my house (vacuum, sweep, laundry, and clean the bathrooms), and take a shower before my husband got home. I had to get out of my night clothes at some point, don’t you think? hahahahaha
And to top off the productive day . . . my husband just got a call from his work buddy and his wife (we do a lot with them away from work, too) and they decided to pursue receiving the sacrament of confirmation! They are not much older than us and have two kids in college and one graduating high school this year. We love this family!!! Even better, they asked us to be their sponsors!!!! I am blown away at God’s goodness! I shouldn’t be, though ;)
One last, final thought. I woke up this morning and the first thing that I saw on tv while I was eating breakfast was “The View” (yes, I slept in despite Baylie’s pleas for me to get up sooner) and the whole show was about IF. Nearly all of the women have had some experience of ectopic pregnancy, IF, m/c, etc. Some resolved their IF with IVF. I was very disappointed that they thought this was the best that medicine and science could offer. Did anyone else see this? Barbara Walters really had some awesome insights on her experience with adoption, I had no idea she experienced three miscarriages and was able to become a mommy to a beautiful child through the gift of adoption. The IVF ideas were awfully disturbing though. The reason I was so thankful that this show even aired was because it gives all of its viewers a glimpse into the suffering of IF and why their sisters, daughters, friends, coworkers are emotional messes at times, especially when on all the hormones, etc. The words of the woman that experienced the ectopic pregnancy was hard to hear because she tried to make light of it but I could see just how much that experience really changed her. She nearly died too. She, too, was surprised and thankful to live to tell of her experience.
Prayers and blessings continue for all of you and may this lent continue to be life-giving to all of your souls.
I had a really silly day at work yesterday and was thinking that I would love it if I would be able to take some time off from work (using the comp time I earned) and just get away for awhile. Well, as God would have it, I got a call from one of the part time ladies that is basically my only replacement and said that she had Thursday, Friday, and Monday off from her other job and she would love to work for me if I wanted to take some last minute time off. I quickly got approval and was so excited to have 5 days off and nothing pressing except one pro-life banquet on the Friday night. So, as my luck would have . . . I pick up the head cold that my husband had a week ago. Seriously? I would like to be able to breathe IN and OUT of my nose! My nose is so raw from sneezing, wiping, etc.
This is not how I wished to spend my time off. I really thought it would run its course quickly, but it is hanging around. I need to call the doctor to see what I should take since I am around p+3. I really think that I ovulated early than what my chart shows. I had so many white baby stamps this month that I eventually just stopped taking the fertile cm because I think it was just that being added in that kept me seeing the fertile type mucus.
On Tuesday we had a meditation that talked about a young couple who had been praying & trying to conceive for a very long time and then when they did conceive, it was with triplets. It led us to ask about what prayer are we praying that we have to WORK for, in addition to having faith that it could be answered. Well, my immediate reaction was BDing. Sometimes you are sick, tired, or just plain not in the mood and the chart says its’ time!!!! Well, this cycle we have been working and praying for a miracle. I do have to say that thankfully neither of us were sick or feeling bad during the time of opportunity. I just wish I could go have a drink with my husband, want to celebrate our love and conceive and it be a complete surprise even though we are always open to life. I wish I could just throw the charts and temp checking out of the window, but the outcome is worth all of the attention we are giving it.
Moving on, today I was able to make some phone calls and they were successful. The first one was to the mail order pharmacy and to address that they keep sending me the wrong meds and making me pay for it. Well, I finally got a kind, smart person and she fixed it all and the meds are on their way. So now it is reimbursed and I get free expediated shipping, and they are going to contact the doctor themselves, imagine that. She acknowledged ‘this was the least they could do’. I was amazed!!!! I have previously made at least 4 calls and got nowhere fast each time and this was my day for justice ;)
Next, while I was on a roll, I called our cell phone company and told them about the run around that we were experiencing in trying to use the phone insurance when my phone broke. We made three trips to the stores and two phone calls to them and every single person told us something different. Well, as I am explaining this to her I told her that we ended up just buying a nice go-phone and that it works fine, but we had to do that out of pocket. She asked me how much we spent and she credited the whole amount (tax and all) to our current bill and we still have $25 credit on our next bill. Really? I was so excited and thankful!!! I never expected her to offer that, I was just calling to find out how to file a claim and who I needed to send the receipt to in order to be reimbursed.
Next phone call I made was to see if we could get better prices on our auto insurance. We currently have a.ll.state and we were quoted a pretty good price ($30 a month cheaper) through pro.gressive. Does anyone have experience with pro.gressive? I am wanting to get some feedback. We have been with our other company for 10 years. I don’t want to just make a change and then be miserable or find out that they lack the ability to provide good services.
Also, I got an email from a local place I download my pictures to for prints and they told me I could get a free 8x10. I really had no need for a certain photo, but I found one of my aunt on the day of her baptism with her godson and her husband and I plan to frame it and give to her as a gift. Free!!! The other day, I was able to get a 8x10 collage print for free. You can't get any better than free!
Having a day off with pay and essentially making calls that will save you from paying nearly $200 in bills, etc. I would call that a productive day :)
Even though I have been feeling out of sorts with the cold, I was able to get all that done then clean my house (vacuum, sweep, laundry, and clean the bathrooms), and take a shower before my husband got home. I had to get out of my night clothes at some point, don’t you think? hahahahaha
And to top off the productive day . . . my husband just got a call from his work buddy and his wife (we do a lot with them away from work, too) and they decided to pursue receiving the sacrament of confirmation! They are not much older than us and have two kids in college and one graduating high school this year. We love this family!!! Even better, they asked us to be their sponsors!!!! I am blown away at God’s goodness! I shouldn’t be, though ;)
One last, final thought. I woke up this morning and the first thing that I saw on tv while I was eating breakfast was “The View” (yes, I slept in despite Baylie’s pleas for me to get up sooner) and the whole show was about IF. Nearly all of the women have had some experience of ectopic pregnancy, IF, m/c, etc. Some resolved their IF with IVF. I was very disappointed that they thought this was the best that medicine and science could offer. Did anyone else see this? Barbara Walters really had some awesome insights on her experience with adoption, I had no idea she experienced three miscarriages and was able to become a mommy to a beautiful child through the gift of adoption. The IVF ideas were awfully disturbing though. The reason I was so thankful that this show even aired was because it gives all of its viewers a glimpse into the suffering of IF and why their sisters, daughters, friends, coworkers are emotional messes at times, especially when on all the hormones, etc. The words of the woman that experienced the ectopic pregnancy was hard to hear because she tried to make light of it but I could see just how much that experience really changed her. She nearly died too. She, too, was surprised and thankful to live to tell of her experience.
Prayers and blessings continue for all of you and may this lent continue to be life-giving to all of your souls.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Voice for the voiceless
Ok, there was huge opportunity that was presented to me this weekend and I really wanted someone else to have to rise to the challenge, someone else to answer the 'call'. Well, when God wants you to do something, He WILL get it done ;) I was asked to possibly share my story with the world - my life story! From conception to this very present moment. So, I dug right on in, surrendered (since that is possibly the activity I engage in most) and pulled up the part of the story I wrote three years ago after God whispering it in my heart while at adoration and edited it a bit, prayed some more and then placed it in God's hands to do with as He willed. I talked to the people I needed to talk to about it and got their support, I was quite suprised. I really was looking for a way to avoid this whole thing at all costs. So I just let it sit on my soul over the weekend, offered it up at Mass (unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat, but if it dies it bears great fruit) and then on monday when I was supposed to hear from the one who is interested in learning more about my life I find this as part of my meditation: "Looking at our lives today we might ask: How - here, now, in my community – am I being invited to become a voice for the voiceless, an advocate for the abandoned, a companion for the ill and elderly, a source of hope for the hopeless? . . . . . each of us is meant to become food for the hungry, bread for the life of the world."
I couldn't argue any longer, it is out of my hands and in the abled hands of God. Wow, it was never really in my hands, He is just so kind in seeking permission. God does court us, with an everlasting love, doesn't He? "I set before you life & death, blessings and curses; CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children will live!" Deuteronomy 30:19 |
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Hold Us In Your Mercy!
God has been so unbelievably gracious to me since Ash Wednesday! The day was a bit tough at the beginning and it turned out that I needed to work nearly 12 hours that day. We had an event that included mass, a lite dinner, and a lenten presentation on how to prepare for lent. I worked greeting others to the event and hosting and serving at Mass, but before that I took a long walk on the boardwalk through the swamp and the communication with God that I had on that walk was truly a gift of the holy spirit. I remember being a bit down (just a bit - haha) about my barrenness. As I walked I noticed that the swamp looked like the most awful wateland. Nearly everything looked dead. It was sorta of depressing to even look at, but timely since we were entering the desert with Jesus. As I was talking in my spirit to God, I was grumbling that "this place just looked so awful . . . it just looked like death, barrenness, nothing about its appearance would attract us to it (sound familiar to the stations?)." I said to God "everything just looks dead" and THEN he whispered to my soul "they just LOOK dead, they are not dead! When the conditions are right, they will grow new leaves . . . their branches will reach for the sky . . . their insides are very much alive, their aliveness is hidden by their dry, wintry outward appearance". It really took my breath away. What an encounter with my dearest Abba. Since I knew that I have God's undivided attention at that point, I clearly told him that I just feel so lost from Him. I feel so far gone, like the lamb that strayed because I just feel like dry bones when I got to him in prayer, so much so that I was seldom wanting to go to prayer asking for blessings because it just seemed like suffering was my whole lot. I told him that I can only remember suffering in my relationship with him, only a heavy cross that is crushing me down, bringing me face down into the clay earth. After all of this was said, I just sat with God. Just being . . . I have bared my soul, willingly and just waited for him to make his move.
Well, nothing could have suprised me more when he did reach out to me in a very clear and profound way. I went to greet those coming for Mass and went to mass and it was amazing, so simply amazing. Then after getting everyone settled with the light dinner (about 40 people), I went into the room where the talk was going to be held and we had a local catholic bookstore come in with a few books so that people could purchase something if they liked, and it was then that a certain book just JUMPED out at me entitled "Praying our Goodbyes" by Joyce Rupp. I bought it, took it home and did not know that it would change my life!! That first night, I read three chapters and cried (big suprise) as I read the words that were like a balm to my soul. It blew me away and made me feel so loved by God. I recommend the book to everyone! Especially those who have a tough time trusting God after dealing with a loss, or those have a difficult time coming to God in prayer and feel comfortable with God.
Yesterday I finished reading it and I just feel so blessed that God reached out to me in such an intimate way. I just feel so romanced by God. Ladies, get this book, read it. It will be one that you will want to share with loved ones.
Last night I got to have a girls' night out and I shared with them the book and they were just as read to out and buy it right away!!! I had the best time cutting up and listening to someone's else's worries, etc for a change ;) Two of the ladies I never really met before, so I just feel like I broadened my circle of friends. One of the ladies was eight months pregnant, but she was about the funniest pregnant woman I had ever met and I just loved hearing all of her stories, the other was a single pediatrician who is desiring to find her life partner. All of us were in different stages in our lives, but our faith was common and it united us! My other friend and I just cracked up about nearly everything. They are just so fun! We did some shopping afterwards and then ran to starbu.cks to have some time to visit a bit more. I am really shy and don't usually talk alot to others who I don't know well, so I was suprised that I enjoyed myself so much.
Today, Mass was beautiful and affirming all that I learned in the short few days of lent so far. During communion they sang the simplest song "Lork, hold us in your mercy." It comforted my soul in such a profound way.
Is anyone else reaping the benefits of their Lenten prayer buddy? I just keep wondering who it might be because I am just amazed at the mercies and graces that are surrounding me. I am just so very thankful for her! I told the ladies last night about our Lenten prayer buddy system and they all wished they could have done it :) We are on to something ladies, God is truly turning our sorrow into joy!!
----
Cycle News:
I think today could be my peak day (cd 20 - so late, I know). I have been feeling pretty good, I do have to say that OPK are really tough to read or is it just the ones we bought? Today was the day that I saw the darkest line. I am hopeful that maybe we could be successful.
Well, nothing could have suprised me more when he did reach out to me in a very clear and profound way. I went to greet those coming for Mass and went to mass and it was amazing, so simply amazing. Then after getting everyone settled with the light dinner (about 40 people), I went into the room where the talk was going to be held and we had a local catholic bookstore come in with a few books so that people could purchase something if they liked, and it was then that a certain book just JUMPED out at me entitled "Praying our Goodbyes" by Joyce Rupp. I bought it, took it home and did not know that it would change my life!! That first night, I read three chapters and cried (big suprise) as I read the words that were like a balm to my soul. It blew me away and made me feel so loved by God. I recommend the book to everyone! Especially those who have a tough time trusting God after dealing with a loss, or those have a difficult time coming to God in prayer and feel comfortable with God.
Yesterday I finished reading it and I just feel so blessed that God reached out to me in such an intimate way. I just feel so romanced by God. Ladies, get this book, read it. It will be one that you will want to share with loved ones.
Last night I got to have a girls' night out and I shared with them the book and they were just as read to out and buy it right away!!! I had the best time cutting up and listening to someone's else's worries, etc for a change ;) Two of the ladies I never really met before, so I just feel like I broadened my circle of friends. One of the ladies was eight months pregnant, but she was about the funniest pregnant woman I had ever met and I just loved hearing all of her stories, the other was a single pediatrician who is desiring to find her life partner. All of us were in different stages in our lives, but our faith was common and it united us! My other friend and I just cracked up about nearly everything. They are just so fun! We did some shopping afterwards and then ran to starbu.cks to have some time to visit a bit more. I am really shy and don't usually talk alot to others who I don't know well, so I was suprised that I enjoyed myself so much.
Today, Mass was beautiful and affirming all that I learned in the short few days of lent so far. During communion they sang the simplest song "Lork, hold us in your mercy." It comforted my soul in such a profound way.
Is anyone else reaping the benefits of their Lenten prayer buddy? I just keep wondering who it might be because I am just amazed at the mercies and graces that are surrounding me. I am just so very thankful for her! I told the ladies last night about our Lenten prayer buddy system and they all wished they could have done it :) We are on to something ladies, God is truly turning our sorrow into joy!!
----
Cycle News:
I think today could be my peak day (cd 20 - so late, I know). I have been feeling pretty good, I do have to say that OPK are really tough to read or is it just the ones we bought? Today was the day that I saw the darkest line. I am hopeful that maybe we could be successful.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Ovary Pain
I am having some very significant right ovary pain. This is all so overwhelming to try to just be positive. Last night and today is the first time that I have been seeing some cm. Last night, 8k and today 10SL alot but it has been really gummy/thicker than usual. I think something is not right with my system, but I just don't know what to do about it anymore. I wish I was able to do the ultrasound series. Feeling better emotionally today, I have just been having a hard time keeping the tears at bay (last night, mainly) during Mass, when I was praying, and when I was reading this new book I got last night called "Praying our Goodbyes" by Joyce Rupp. She is describing me in the book. A good and a sad thing. Although it makes me feel less like a one-eyed clown at the ball. Come on ovary release the egg already!!!!!!!!!!! |
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Ash Wednesday w/ update
I cried myself to sleep again last night.
I hope that one day I can go back and read this words and realize there was a purpose behind all of it.
I am near tears again, just thinking about it all and the state of my current place in life.
What set things off could have quite possibly been avoided, but some things need to surface once and for all. Let just say that my husband sent me my favorite flowers today to offer some sunshine, but I really am not accepting it for the gift that they are and the goodwill behind them.
I begged God today to make me a better wife, somehow. Maybe I am the loose cannon in all of this. I don’t really know anymore, but what I do know is that I am hurting and I have never been good at avoiding issues and I can’t avoid the ones staring me down. I did have some peace after I did some journaling about it.
Life was not meant to only be one cross after another, there has to be time for resurrection. I know that I am starting out Lent with a bang. Welcome to the desert.
Today I envisioned Jesus entering the desert and wondering if all of it was for real. What suffering He must have endured, even before the laying of the cross on His shoulders.
I don’t have the energy to put away my grieving clothes, but I made up my face this morning and tried to make the best of the day.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Let the praying & fasting begin!
Tonight was great, made some great feasting food to prepare for the day of fasting :)
I am so excited about my new prayer partner!!! Wow, it will be fantastic to have her for a prayer buddy!
I have been eating way too much chocolate, but it is soooo good! Lots of Heshey's Kisses from Valentine's Day. It is so hard to get creative with meals during lent. I have alot going on this week with some late evenings and I am such a homebody.
Earlier this week, I thought about opening up my home as a in-home daycare (state-approved). What was I thinking? While I know I would like that daily routine, I still need better than daycare income and medical benefits. I am still having a hard time figuring out what to do with my future. Aren't you supposed to figure this out at least by your twenties? The life plan I had planned has not worked out thus far, so it is time to revamp, renew, & redo!
By the way, from what I can tell that special prayer intention did not work out in my favor, but thanks for the prayers and support. I was trying to get a promotion in another area for the company that I work for currently. I was very disappointed because I really wanted to find a work environment that was not so filled with conflict or contempt. It just makes my spirit so heavy, but the gospel reading this weekend really motivated me to remain the same, remember my value that was given to me by my heavenly father, and just wait for something better to come along. I know that change is inevitable and I pray that something excellant is on the horizon.
My two days off have come to an end. I am most relaxed and peaceful and enjoyed some time with my Mom and Aunt today. It was fun to be silly, laugh, and cut-up. We even made a quick trip to Target. I have one other aunt who is the mother of the two boys that we took care since they very young and since she remarried we have not seen the boys lately and I miss them terribly. They have had a very hard life and I feel like I failed them by not trying harder to save them from the life that they are stuck with and my mom reminded me today that we (my dh and I) did do all that we could to help them, we even had one live with us for awhile and at some point his mom had to resume being his mother but even though he has been in her care, she is still not being a mother to him or his brother. How can one not feel like a failure in this situation? I feel like we should have fought for them, but everyone thinks that we did fight, but it would have just been like we were fostering them, the state (which actually did get involve for awhile) would just promote reunification. The children love their mom. They are failing in school, again. They are in constant trouble and they are desperate for boundaries and unconditional love. The one thing we could give them, but I guess that is not to be. My aunt's health is very fragile and at one time we were listed as possible guardains in the event of her untimely death. The whole situation is so bad. The worst part is I just miss them. We have been active in their lives since they were 1 and 2 years old and now they are 12 & 13. When I say active, I mean in college, I had two carseats in my car at all times bc I took care of them all the time and my husband and I always had them on most weekends once they started school.
To those two little souls, so scarred by life's ugliness . . . remember always that I love you and nothing can ever change that.
Oh, well, this post turned a whole new direction and I really need to head to bed and pray :) And take meds, woo-hooo!
In cycle news, I am on cd 15 and seeing no quality cm. I am a bit discouraged and am taking Fertile CM, antibiotic for cm, and drinking lots of water and other fluids. I did have some white baby stamps earlier (like cd 8 and 10) but that is it and I tend to peak on cd 18-19, so hopefully I am on my way. I feel pretty emotionally stabled, probably being away from my office is helping.
Oh, and my whole house is cleaned, all the laundry is done, the house is dusted, vaccuumed, and all plants watered :) Well, if only that could last!!!
I just keep going and going, but I did find some great valentine decorations/gift stuff for next valentine's day and the other ones to come. I do believe that we will have children one day and I want to be prepared to celebrate all the holidays in style with fun possible craft items for when that time comes!
God will bring miracles into our lives . . . I am waiting in expectant hope!!!
I am so excited about my new prayer partner!!! Wow, it will be fantastic to have her for a prayer buddy!
I have been eating way too much chocolate, but it is soooo good! Lots of Heshey's Kisses from Valentine's Day. It is so hard to get creative with meals during lent. I have alot going on this week with some late evenings and I am such a homebody.
Earlier this week, I thought about opening up my home as a in-home daycare (state-approved). What was I thinking? While I know I would like that daily routine, I still need better than daycare income and medical benefits. I am still having a hard time figuring out what to do with my future. Aren't you supposed to figure this out at least by your twenties? The life plan I had planned has not worked out thus far, so it is time to revamp, renew, & redo!
By the way, from what I can tell that special prayer intention did not work out in my favor, but thanks for the prayers and support. I was trying to get a promotion in another area for the company that I work for currently. I was very disappointed because I really wanted to find a work environment that was not so filled with conflict or contempt. It just makes my spirit so heavy, but the gospel reading this weekend really motivated me to remain the same, remember my value that was given to me by my heavenly father, and just wait for something better to come along. I know that change is inevitable and I pray that something excellant is on the horizon.
My two days off have come to an end. I am most relaxed and peaceful and enjoyed some time with my Mom and Aunt today. It was fun to be silly, laugh, and cut-up. We even made a quick trip to Target. I have one other aunt who is the mother of the two boys that we took care since they very young and since she remarried we have not seen the boys lately and I miss them terribly. They have had a very hard life and I feel like I failed them by not trying harder to save them from the life that they are stuck with and my mom reminded me today that we (my dh and I) did do all that we could to help them, we even had one live with us for awhile and at some point his mom had to resume being his mother but even though he has been in her care, she is still not being a mother to him or his brother. How can one not feel like a failure in this situation? I feel like we should have fought for them, but everyone thinks that we did fight, but it would have just been like we were fostering them, the state (which actually did get involve for awhile) would just promote reunification. The children love their mom. They are failing in school, again. They are in constant trouble and they are desperate for boundaries and unconditional love. The one thing we could give them, but I guess that is not to be. My aunt's health is very fragile and at one time we were listed as possible guardains in the event of her untimely death. The whole situation is so bad. The worst part is I just miss them. We have been active in their lives since they were 1 and 2 years old and now they are 12 & 13. When I say active, I mean in college, I had two carseats in my car at all times bc I took care of them all the time and my husband and I always had them on most weekends once they started school.
To those two little souls, so scarred by life's ugliness . . . remember always that I love you and nothing can ever change that.
Oh, well, this post turned a whole new direction and I really need to head to bed and pray :) And take meds, woo-hooo!
In cycle news, I am on cd 15 and seeing no quality cm. I am a bit discouraged and am taking Fertile CM, antibiotic for cm, and drinking lots of water and other fluids. I did have some white baby stamps earlier (like cd 8 and 10) but that is it and I tend to peak on cd 18-19, so hopefully I am on my way. I feel pretty emotionally stabled, probably being away from my office is helping.
Oh, and my whole house is cleaned, all the laundry is done, the house is dusted, vaccuumed, and all plants watered :) Well, if only that could last!!!
I just keep going and going, but I did find some great valentine decorations/gift stuff for next valentine's day and the other ones to come. I do believe that we will have children one day and I want to be prepared to celebrate all the holidays in style with fun possible craft items for when that time comes!
God will bring miracles into our lives . . . I am waiting in expectant hope!!!
Monday, February 15, 2010
wow!
Just found this on the internet, priceless.
Miscarriage Prayer:
My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord, dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents' faces-it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?
"Why, My Child, do you ask 'why'? Well, I will tell you why.
You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind, he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes, he sees everlasting Beauty-he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents' merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth."
I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool-forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.
Miscarriage Prayer:
My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord, dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents' faces-it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?
"Why, My Child, do you ask 'why'? Well, I will tell you why.
You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind, he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes, he sees everlasting Beauty-he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents' merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth."
I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool-forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.
JPII on Adoption
“Adopting children, regarding and treating them as one’s own children, means recognizing that the relationship between parents and children is not measured only by genetic standards. Procreative love is first and foremost a gift of self. There is a form of ‘procreation’ which occurs through acceptance, concern and devotion. The resulting relationship is so intimate and enduring that it is in no way inferior to one based on a biological connection. When this is also juridically protected, as it is in adoption, in a family united by the stable bond of marriage, it assures the child that peaceful atmosphere and that paternal and maternal love which he needs for his full human development.”
John Paul II, Letter to Adoptive Families (Sept 5, 2000)
John Paul II, Letter to Adoptive Families (Sept 5, 2000)
Lent Reflections & Preparations
Daisy & Bailey (a familiar sight around here these days)
One more of the two girly kitties! I think we made a good decision to get Daisy a sister :)
Valentine's weekend was so much fun! We got to spend two whole days together without having to tend to other responsibilites and it was such a treat!
It felt really great to reconnect and not be pressured to have a gameplan. We just did what we wanted to do! So very unlike us. Now I have two more days off and I have already started the laundry, have the doors and windows open, and trying to decide which next chore I want to tackle. Clean the closet, go to the post office & grocery store, or clean the floors. I would much rather be at the beach with a good book, warm sun, and swift breeze as I listen to the crashing waves. In time, I suppose, have to live through winter first.
We had a very heartfelt discussion on trying to conceive, hopes, and dreams. It so difficult to hear that my husband in losing hope in being able to conceive again. I guess all of my fears that I express to him are weighing him down and the many months of trying and not achieving yet. It was so terrible to see him feeling hopeless and frustrated about all of this, but I guess it was just my turn to be the listening ear and buoy of hope. I am hopeful each cycle now, which makes the outcome we have been seeing so much harder. It is terrible to hear good results and good prognosis for pregnancy and still not be able to do what people seem to think is possible (I am referring to doctors and nurses whom I speak with on a regular basis). At this point, I have no timeline for God, I just want him to fill me and my husband with passion for some other dream if He so wills. I know it may sound awful, but we do need something that we are putting our heart and soul in to be fruitful in a very powerful way.
He took me to holy mass and as I was reading the reflection for the gospel, I was struck with peace. Here is an snippet from www.wau.org:
"Jesus didn’t come to earth to be poor, hated, and sad. He came to reveal the kingdom of God to a fallen people. Likewise, he doesn’t call us to become poor, hated, or sad. No, he offers us an experience of his Father’s love so great that everything else pales in comparison. He offers us a kingdom so magnificent that we will willingly endure hardship for the sake of embracing this kingdom and spreading its message into the world. With such promises, why would we ever fear God’s calling?"
This is a great reflection to start off with for LENT! I am not really ready for all the commitments I need to make for lent, but I know that last lent was so very fruitful for me and the marriage that I share with my husband.
There is a lot of emotion reminders that will come up during that time that I pray for the grace to handle well. It was last lent that I really laid down my IF, my desire for pregnancy, my need to control the outcome. It was a very freeing, but painful surrender and I really had no idea what God was going to do with that. I surrendered my desires at each and every prayer. Then I made my holy week retreat and during the time of spiritual direction was told to be bold with God "tell him what you want and that you have been waiting a really long time!" So I did, it was freeing beyond all of my surrendering, although I know that the surrendering was a necessary act to be able to boldly come to Jesus and tell him my desires with a pure heart. I cam home from retreat filled with joy and peace. God allowed us to conceive that week, Holy Week. During all of our Easter preparations, in secret, God was preparing a new soul, Nicky. What a blessing? I almost am entering into to Lent hoping that God has something as fruitful in mind for us. Hope is so hard, resignation is easy. I still feel so blessed to know that during the Easter season, I was able to nurture a life within me that I desired so very much.
So I guess, I am entering Lent this year very hopeful for the spiritual richness that I am certain God wants to share with me and I can't wait to find out who my prayer buddy will be this time!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
feeling better
I have got to say that I am feeling a little better. I am still needing to work on being kind to a certain person, but I am realizing that I just need to forgive, move on. I don't have to forget, but I have a responsibility to behave kindly in all things.
Clomid makes me crazy and having alot of other challenging things going on in your life besides IF, makes it so much harder. I know all of my readers can relate in someway. IF is just so hard, but when you are balancing a lot of other disappointments, it is just overwhelming.
The good news is that I am on the upswing, finally. I am looking foward to Valentine's Day weekend and my husband is planning to bring me on a short trip for shopping and visiting with some friends, I can't wait. We will also make a stop at his favorite store, Bass Pro :) The best thing about the trip will be all of the time together. After that, Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday) Holidays will allow me to be off for two day next week! I am so HAPPY about that.
Thanks for all the support, I felt better after I got it all off my chest and realized that there is still joy in my life and the will that God has for me and my husband!
Happy Valentine's Day!
Clomid makes me crazy and having alot of other challenging things going on in your life besides IF, makes it so much harder. I know all of my readers can relate in someway. IF is just so hard, but when you are balancing a lot of other disappointments, it is just overwhelming.
The good news is that I am on the upswing, finally. I am looking foward to Valentine's Day weekend and my husband is planning to bring me on a short trip for shopping and visiting with some friends, I can't wait. We will also make a stop at his favorite store, Bass Pro :) The best thing about the trip will be all of the time together. After that, Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday) Holidays will allow me to be off for two day next week! I am so HAPPY about that.
Thanks for all the support, I felt better after I got it all off my chest and realized that there is still joy in my life and the will that God has for me and my husband!
Happy Valentine's Day!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
sleepless
I have a lot on my mind at this late hour. I just decided I did not want to be crying myself to sleep again tonight, so I got up.
There are so many things weighing on my spirit, that I feel so grieved. I don't really know how to get out of this dark place. Part of me just wants to run away and start all over, knowing what I know now. I can't do that though. This is what life is all about, making mistakes, bad things happening to good people, dreaming despite adversity.
There is a particular hardship I am facing and it has been brewing for many years, but I have just been one to sweep it under the rug, praying that with time it would change and it just hasn't. This is a really vital part of my life and I am suffering.
I think that I have been trying to find fulfillment during this time of grief and fulfillment is just not going to happen right now. So anyway, I am not crying in bed, I am crying at the keyboard.
Clomid, if it is you that is making me this doggone emotional - I hate what you are doing to me. In all honesty, on the clomid the things that I agree to settle with and just manage with because it is my lot in life are magnified to impossible to live with magnitude.
I know that I have an attitude, I came home and baked cookies and ate two of them and then ate some cookie dough while it was baking.
I know that I need a retreat, a vacation, or some time to just heal and figure out a plan for my life. I feel like I have to be in survival mode all over again.
I read today "Mother, do not weep for me." It was Jesus' statement to his mother on the road to Calvary. I was deeply convicted to not spend all of my time weeping for my children who are residing in the presence of God. I find myself getting angry looking at a calendar and watching just how fast the time is flying by and there is no baby to be celebrating monthly milestones with right now.
I know that Jesus suffered so greatly and in my ignorance, I ask God "How much more suffering can I take?" I don't really want to know the answer to that question. I need to start asking "How much joy can I accept and live with in my life?" Maybe my life would change.
As I was laying in bed, trying to will my mind to rest enough for me to fall asleep, I realized that I nearly spent all of my 20's trying to conceive and carry a baby, plus a few years into my 30's. Five months after my 23rd birthday, I married the best man in the world for me and our worlds quickly turned upside down after that first miscarriage that happened so quickly and so early in our marriage. It has never really been right side up ever again, we just became the wounded healers and in allt the right ways that can be good, but sometimes that just manifests into a bad way. There are lasting effects of losing a child that you desperately want and barely even got to celebrate. Then our suffering was compounded with 8 years of infertility, then major surgeries, another loss of a child (though much more traumatic) and now the grief is so thick and heavy it is hard to muddle my way through.
There are some other significant things I am grieving right now, but I just don't want to put them into words.
Dearest Abba,
Please have compassion on me and my dear husband. Help us to grow in holiness, seeking your will above our own. Help us to be life giving to one another and preparing one another for heaven and union with you for all eternity. Make our marriage fruitful, sacramental, and life giving for all those who see us, love us, and pray for us. I beg you to pour your love into our hearts, knit new life within our family, and forgive us for all the ways we have harmed the body of Christ. Amen.
There are so many things weighing on my spirit, that I feel so grieved. I don't really know how to get out of this dark place. Part of me just wants to run away and start all over, knowing what I know now. I can't do that though. This is what life is all about, making mistakes, bad things happening to good people, dreaming despite adversity.
There is a particular hardship I am facing and it has been brewing for many years, but I have just been one to sweep it under the rug, praying that with time it would change and it just hasn't. This is a really vital part of my life and I am suffering.
I think that I have been trying to find fulfillment during this time of grief and fulfillment is just not going to happen right now. So anyway, I am not crying in bed, I am crying at the keyboard.
Clomid, if it is you that is making me this doggone emotional - I hate what you are doing to me. In all honesty, on the clomid the things that I agree to settle with and just manage with because it is my lot in life are magnified to impossible to live with magnitude.
I know that I have an attitude, I came home and baked cookies and ate two of them and then ate some cookie dough while it was baking.
I know that I need a retreat, a vacation, or some time to just heal and figure out a plan for my life. I feel like I have to be in survival mode all over again.
I read today "Mother, do not weep for me." It was Jesus' statement to his mother on the road to Calvary. I was deeply convicted to not spend all of my time weeping for my children who are residing in the presence of God. I find myself getting angry looking at a calendar and watching just how fast the time is flying by and there is no baby to be celebrating monthly milestones with right now.
I know that Jesus suffered so greatly and in my ignorance, I ask God "How much more suffering can I take?" I don't really want to know the answer to that question. I need to start asking "How much joy can I accept and live with in my life?" Maybe my life would change.
As I was laying in bed, trying to will my mind to rest enough for me to fall asleep, I realized that I nearly spent all of my 20's trying to conceive and carry a baby, plus a few years into my 30's. Five months after my 23rd birthday, I married the best man in the world for me and our worlds quickly turned upside down after that first miscarriage that happened so quickly and so early in our marriage. It has never really been right side up ever again, we just became the wounded healers and in allt the right ways that can be good, but sometimes that just manifests into a bad way. There are lasting effects of losing a child that you desperately want and barely even got to celebrate. Then our suffering was compounded with 8 years of infertility, then major surgeries, another loss of a child (though much more traumatic) and now the grief is so thick and heavy it is hard to muddle my way through.
There are some other significant things I am grieving right now, but I just don't want to put them into words.
Dearest Abba,
Please have compassion on me and my dear husband. Help us to grow in holiness, seeking your will above our own. Help us to be life giving to one another and preparing one another for heaven and union with you for all eternity. Make our marriage fruitful, sacramental, and life giving for all those who see us, love us, and pray for us. I beg you to pour your love into our hearts, knit new life within our family, and forgive us for all the ways we have harmed the body of Christ. Amen.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Overwhelmed - updated!
I have been so overwhelmed.
I am still battling that sinus headache (possibly a migraine) and even though meds help soften the pain, it has not ever gone all away.
I had a miserable day being preached at about how to handle conflict. Seriously, I use to teach people and families how to handle conflict. So, lo and behold, when I had a conflict, I did all the things right and nothing was resolved. After all of the so called "lesson" for the day, we were encouraged to go to holy Mass together. My spirit was so grieved knowing that I am going to have to accept the injustice or walk away and try to let go of bitterness, I nearly wept throughout the mass. I tried very hard to not be revealing with my emotions. I think I was able to minimize the tears.
I am on cd 7, have been taking the clomid (50 mg) since Saturday because I forgot to take it on Friday night and I am just wondering how much of my hormones are aiding my muddled feelings, sensitivity, and desperate plea to God to just have mercy on me, bring me healing, and helping me to trust in the future He has planned for me.
We have been watching "Life, Unexpected" and tonight I just cried because of Lux's letter to Santa begging for parents, not perfect parents - just kind ones! She kept saying in the show that nobody wanted her, she wanted almost anyone to love her and no one showed up to love her claim her, help give her a future. She mentioned that when Santa found them to let them know she was waiting for them.
Waiting . . .
I am waiting for God to choose for me to become a mother of a child here on earth. Today at holy Mass, we prayed for all orphans, why does my heart feel so broken up when I realize that God could use me to bind up the broken hearts of orphans and yet I am still here. I will continue to pray until I am called to do more.
Sometimes really good things/people come along in really messed up ways. Yes, the story of my life and I KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that the end of the story of my life WILL have a happy ending. It has too!
As of today, I woke up with no headache :) I just took the dose of clomid so we will see if this could have been aiding it, but I really think it is the terrible way my body deals with stress and it had been one stressful day yesterday.
I am still battling that sinus headache (possibly a migraine) and even though meds help soften the pain, it has not ever gone all away.
I had a miserable day being preached at about how to handle conflict. Seriously, I use to teach people and families how to handle conflict. So, lo and behold, when I had a conflict, I did all the things right and nothing was resolved. After all of the so called "lesson" for the day, we were encouraged to go to holy Mass together. My spirit was so grieved knowing that I am going to have to accept the injustice or walk away and try to let go of bitterness, I nearly wept throughout the mass. I tried very hard to not be revealing with my emotions. I think I was able to minimize the tears.
I am on cd 7, have been taking the clomid (50 mg) since Saturday because I forgot to take it on Friday night and I am just wondering how much of my hormones are aiding my muddled feelings, sensitivity, and desperate plea to God to just have mercy on me, bring me healing, and helping me to trust in the future He has planned for me.
We have been watching "Life, Unexpected" and tonight I just cried because of Lux's letter to Santa begging for parents, not perfect parents - just kind ones! She kept saying in the show that nobody wanted her, she wanted almost anyone to love her and no one showed up to love her claim her, help give her a future. She mentioned that when Santa found them to let them know she was waiting for them.
Waiting . . .
I am waiting for God to choose for me to become a mother of a child here on earth. Today at holy Mass, we prayed for all orphans, why does my heart feel so broken up when I realize that God could use me to bind up the broken hearts of orphans and yet I am still here. I will continue to pray until I am called to do more.
Sometimes really good things/people come along in really messed up ways. Yes, the story of my life and I KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that the end of the story of my life WILL have a happy ending. It has too!
As of today, I woke up with no headache :) I just took the dose of clomid so we will see if this could have been aiding it, but I really think it is the terrible way my body deals with stress and it had been one stressful day yesterday.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
A blessing of friendship, indeed!
I was able to meet Mrs. Blondies today and she is so kind and friendly. There is so much grace in being able to meet a fellow blogger in real life and immediatley be comfortable like you've been friends for 10+ years!
Since we both live in the same state, we were able to meet in the middle of the state for tea and a lovely lunch. Yet, as always, it was the conversation that was the best part. It was an added treat to fully understand where we have both been and how much we both dream of growing our families as God wills.
I was so excited, I even brought my camera and did not even get to take our picture
:(. I was really feeling out of sorts today with a miserable sinus headache and my head just kept throbbing. If I stayed very still, the throbbing would settle down. I had taken a mucinex at 6:30 am but it did not relieve the symptoms, so before I headed home I stopped and got some tylenol sinus and by the time I arrived home, I was feeling a bit better. I hope I wasn't a lousy partner for lunch today, I did not want to cancel since I was looking so foward to meeting her, so I was going to make that trip no matter what! The drive was not bad at all and I am hoping we can do it again sometime!
Really, she has such a fun nature and generous spirit, that I can't wait to see her become a mother too, since you can see that it would just be the best gift God could give her!
A priest friend of mine who is very wise and much older than us told me one day that he had some dear friends that suffered through IF for many years and they were never able to have a good match for adoption, but that they lived very full lives. As he was sharing this with me, not shared for sadness sake, but he was telling me that he never understood why some of the most beautiful, generous, kind women have to battle IF. That comment has always stayed with me. Each time I read all of my fellow bloggers stories and when I get the pleasure to meet other women who also experience the struggle to attain good fertility, I remember his comment.
Why is it, I wonder? Is it our suffering, the one that unites us, that God used to create in us compassionate hearts that desire to serve God more than own agendas, our own dreams? Is it our suffering that causes us to pause before being unkind, acting selfishly, or causing more harm to a troubled soul? Just maybe that kind, older priest was on to something, but maaybe I did not understand what the point was he was trying to teach me. It just might be our cross, the crushing burden of desiring motherhood despite flawed fertility, that makes the women that carry that cross bravely more beautiful, generous, and kind. God's creation is made manifest in our suffering, He is renewing our spirits daily!
Since we both live in the same state, we were able to meet in the middle of the state for tea and a lovely lunch. Yet, as always, it was the conversation that was the best part. It was an added treat to fully understand where we have both been and how much we both dream of growing our families as God wills.
I was so excited, I even brought my camera and did not even get to take our picture
:(. I was really feeling out of sorts today with a miserable sinus headache and my head just kept throbbing. If I stayed very still, the throbbing would settle down. I had taken a mucinex at 6:30 am but it did not relieve the symptoms, so before I headed home I stopped and got some tylenol sinus and by the time I arrived home, I was feeling a bit better. I hope I wasn't a lousy partner for lunch today, I did not want to cancel since I was looking so foward to meeting her, so I was going to make that trip no matter what! The drive was not bad at all and I am hoping we can do it again sometime!
Really, she has such a fun nature and generous spirit, that I can't wait to see her become a mother too, since you can see that it would just be the best gift God could give her!
A priest friend of mine who is very wise and much older than us told me one day that he had some dear friends that suffered through IF for many years and they were never able to have a good match for adoption, but that they lived very full lives. As he was sharing this with me, not shared for sadness sake, but he was telling me that he never understood why some of the most beautiful, generous, kind women have to battle IF. That comment has always stayed with me. Each time I read all of my fellow bloggers stories and when I get the pleasure to meet other women who also experience the struggle to attain good fertility, I remember his comment.
Why is it, I wonder? Is it our suffering, the one that unites us, that God used to create in us compassionate hearts that desire to serve God more than own agendas, our own dreams? Is it our suffering that causes us to pause before being unkind, acting selfishly, or causing more harm to a troubled soul? Just maybe that kind, older priest was on to something, but maaybe I did not understand what the point was he was trying to teach me. It just might be our cross, the crushing burden of desiring motherhood despite flawed fertility, that makes the women that carry that cross bravely more beautiful, generous, and kind. God's creation is made manifest in our suffering, He is renewing our spirits daily!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Barren Woman ~ Happy Mother of Children
Psalm 113:9 He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD. This scripture has been playing over and over in my head for about 2-3 weeks now and I did not know where to look it up in the bible and a friend of mine posted it today on her blog. I immediately printed out the whole psalm to put on my mirror in my bathroom. At least I know I will be reading it at least twice a day there. Well, as I am praying with the scripture, I know how I defined the words in this passage, but I wanted to know how they were defined for many generations past, present, and those yet to come. This is what I found, according to Miriam-Webster online dictionary: settles ~ to bring to rest barren ~ not reproducing; incapable of producing offspring home ~ a place of residence happy ~ favored by fortune; notably fitting; effective; or well-adapted; enthusiastic about something to the point of obsession mother ~ a female parent children ~ an unborn or recently born person WOW!!!! That is my word when I am awestruck at God's generosity and goodness. All this time that I spent questioning so many things in my life and here, I have found the answers. Nothing less than a gift straight from the Throne of Grace. I have spent so many years questioning this desire of mine to parent children on earth. Is it a selfish desire? If God created my body the way that is, is he trying to tell me that I would not be a good mother and therefore I am having to work super hard to conceive, bear, and give birth to a child? Is He silent to my desire, my dreams, my vocation? I have always mysteriously, by faith, believed that He did will me to be a mother as part of my vocation to married life but today it has been confirmed. God did not will this barrenness on me! He did not allow me to suffer from many medical problems that complicate my ability to become a mother because he did not love me, in fact He tells me of His compassion to my suffering that He will make me, a barren woman the happy mother of children in MY home. With all of that being said, I do find great peace in knowing that I have been able to be used by God to help co-create two beautiful souls for God's kingdom through my union with my husband. So when I came to the definition for children as being an unborn or recently born person, I knew I had to look up the word unborn. Grace enveloped me as I read the most beautiful words defining unborn. unborn ~ still to appear; existing without birth Now, that speaks to my heart on so many levels. I was first of all blown away that the dictionary confirmed my faith that I WILL meet my children one day in heaven. Then I immediately wanted to holler from the rooftops that this definition alone could save so many babies from abortion. Save their mommies and daddies, too. Simply, this breaking down of the scripture has changed my outlook and has buoyed my faith that God is looking compassionately at me and all of my peers who are struggling, searching, begging to see His will manifested in their lives. God does have it all figured out, my only job is to be cooperative and to wait. Bring us our happiness LORD, settle us barren women in our homes as happy mothers of children. We also beg you to comfort our holy husbands to desire to seek your will in their lives and make them happy fathers, too! Sidenote: I love the definition of mother. It does not say one who gives birth to a child, it says "a female parent". |
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Wednesday's Cycle Review
So the race has resumed . . .
there is no rest for the weary. It seems you are just supposed to get back in the saddle, meds in hand, and you and your dearly beloved spouse right off into the sunset . . . right? Well, we will see about that.
The nurse was a little concerned about the brown bleeding this time, but Dr. H said that this could be a fluke and we need to monitor it for the rest of the cycle and it occurs again next cycle we will work on treating it. He thinks that it may just a heavy shed of all old and new lining. I sure hope he is right, I really don't want to have to tackle another issue that could be going against us at this point. They did say that the antibiotics that I took because of that bite would not present a problem such as brown/black blood. Okay, at least that is ruled out.
They were super jazzed about my hormone levels this cycle and really want to keep me at the lower dose of clomid because it seemed to have a great positive result. Maybe that is why there was no huge breakdown this month, less clomid - who'd have thought that could happen? Anyway, sarcasam aside, I am relieved to be taking a smaller dose of that medication. I found that I was more stable emotionally this cycle.
I asked them about my local doctor's desire to put me on oral estradoil and they were clearly not supportive of it and said that if my estradoil levels were to go above 50 (which could happen on the orals and with my normal levels) that is would be very counter productive and almost become contraceptive in nature. Wow, so glad I asked. I will be tossing that script. There was a little more discussion about this, but I can't remember. I just know I won't be using it.
I think that they truly believe that I am on the verge of getting it all aligned for conception to have a chance. While I am buoyed in hope because of their confidience, I still wonder.
Anyway, tomorrow will be a day of calls to refill meds, pharmacy visits, and counting cycle days again. I am really happy that I am not down in the dumps about all of this, I just keep trusting God that He has all of figured out.
there is no rest for the weary. It seems you are just supposed to get back in the saddle, meds in hand, and you and your dearly beloved spouse right off into the sunset . . . right? Well, we will see about that.
The nurse was a little concerned about the brown bleeding this time, but Dr. H said that this could be a fluke and we need to monitor it for the rest of the cycle and it occurs again next cycle we will work on treating it. He thinks that it may just a heavy shed of all old and new lining. I sure hope he is right, I really don't want to have to tackle another issue that could be going against us at this point. They did say that the antibiotics that I took because of that bite would not present a problem such as brown/black blood. Okay, at least that is ruled out.
They were super jazzed about my hormone levels this cycle and really want to keep me at the lower dose of clomid because it seemed to have a great positive result. Maybe that is why there was no huge breakdown this month, less clomid - who'd have thought that could happen? Anyway, sarcasam aside, I am relieved to be taking a smaller dose of that medication. I found that I was more stable emotionally this cycle.
I asked them about my local doctor's desire to put me on oral estradoil and they were clearly not supportive of it and said that if my estradoil levels were to go above 50 (which could happen on the orals and with my normal levels) that is would be very counter productive and almost become contraceptive in nature. Wow, so glad I asked. I will be tossing that script. There was a little more discussion about this, but I can't remember. I just know I won't be using it.
I think that they truly believe that I am on the verge of getting it all aligned for conception to have a chance. While I am buoyed in hope because of their confidience, I still wonder.
Anyway, tomorrow will be a day of calls to refill meds, pharmacy visits, and counting cycle days again. I am really happy that I am not down in the dumps about all of this, I just keep trusting God that He has all of figured out.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
What in the world?
I am having alot of B/black bleeding. I don't ever have this at the beginning of a cycle. I thought some people have this at the end of a cycle, it has just really set off alarms in my head! What is going on?
The only time I had this type of situation was at the beginning of the pregnancy when I was on the progesterone suppositories. It looks like that.
Today I was in so much pain at work on the left side that I was thinking no one should have to live like this. There was no breakdown, no tears - just feelings of being dumbfounded and bewildered.
How much can a girl take? Seriously! Something has to get better, someday. It will happen.
I was able to go hang out with my best friend tongight as I processed what I am going through emotionally, I realized that I am just ready for some progress. I am seeking a life filled with purpose. It is time. Okay, I think it is time for change, maybe God just wants to keep me in this place a while longer.
I will wait on the Lord to change the view for me and I will wait for him to take my hand and lead me to the grassy hillside where I can rest and just enjoy his presence.
Anyway, anyone with experience on Brown/Black bleeding, please share your experience and what the culprit could be. I did have to take alot of antibiotics this cycle and I was worried about a yeast infection, but I am just so lost and can't wait to get some clarification from the cycle review tomorrow.
Please God, lead me to the light. Amen!
The only time I had this type of situation was at the beginning of the pregnancy when I was on the progesterone suppositories. It looks like that.
Today I was in so much pain at work on the left side that I was thinking no one should have to live like this. There was no breakdown, no tears - just feelings of being dumbfounded and bewildered.
How much can a girl take? Seriously! Something has to get better, someday. It will happen.
I was able to go hang out with my best friend tongight as I processed what I am going through emotionally, I realized that I am just ready for some progress. I am seeking a life filled with purpose. It is time. Okay, I think it is time for change, maybe God just wants to keep me in this place a while longer.
I will wait on the Lord to change the view for me and I will wait for him to take my hand and lead me to the grassy hillside where I can rest and just enjoy his presence.
Anyway, anyone with experience on Brown/Black bleeding, please share your experience and what the culprit could be. I did have to take alot of antibiotics this cycle and I was worried about a yeast infection, but I am just so lost and can't wait to get some clarification from the cycle review tomorrow.
Please God, lead me to the light. Amen!
Update
No pg, I don't think. I am having terrible pain on the left side, which is my new indicator that cd 1 has decided to arrive.
I am having a weird beginning to that and it worries me, of couse, AF arrived after the nursed faxed me orders for a beta today. When will I learn to just be patient and wait it out!
So very frustrating!
I am having a weird beginning to that and it worries me, of couse, AF arrived after the nursed faxed me orders for a beta today. When will I learn to just be patient and wait it out!
So very frustrating!
Monday, February 1, 2010
I am 33!
I am 33 and living proof that getting older is not so bad, in fact, today was pretty incredible.
I started it off with a bang by meeting with someone about that special prayer intention that I have been considering and hoping will work out. More details to come when I find out more information.
Then I was able to just do some shopping at Tar.get. During my shopping trip, I got a really weak stomach so I headed out and then went to Mass and afterwards got to meet my Mom, her friend, and one of my best friends at O.live Garden. I ate way too much, but the company was the best. It was so fun to cut up and just laugh out loud about silly things. My heart nearly got stuck in my throat though as I walked to the table and had to literally sit next to a beautiful 6 week old perfectly created little girl.
It almost felt like a slap in the face after my "Not pregnant" result on the hpt today. I just sucked it up, and went on and admired God's perfection.
I got to come home early and play with the kitties. I am such a pet mommy. I can't help it that they make me happy.
In regard to the cycle, I am p+15 and my last hcg shot was last monday, so it should be out of my system. So I never threw the test from this morning away and since it was one of those digital ones, I went to click it out and when I looked at the lines, the result line was very faint, after about 8 hours. I nearly choked up and got my unrealistic hopes up. If a new cycle does not start by wednesday, I will test again. Feeling so desperate, yet cautious. I don't know if I am ready for the consequences if I will ever have to face the reality of another ectopic pregnancy. In regard to that, I am feeling slight pains on my right side, but not enough for any medication. It comes and goes. I only tested this morning because I am having weird lower back pain and the girls are still tender. Usually by this time of the cycle, I am feeling pain on the left side where the tube was removed. I don't know how to read the symptoms anymore because I am possibly seeing less pain because I could actually be healing.
Just waiting and seeing, the story of my life!
Oops, just post something and you are guranteed to see change. It looks like some vl brown spotting. Can you hear the wailing? Just kidding, I refuse to cry anymore than I did this morning when I say my drop in bbt.
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