Defeated

I just feel so DEFEATED.

I just don't know how not to be disappointed. I am just ready to be living out the vocation of motherhood. I am sick and tired of people telling me that I should just try some more, say some more prayers, or just wait for God. I have done all of those things, along with my husband and I am still where I don't want to be.

I don't want to hear any more flowery words about the gift of infertility. I don't want to hear that God is using this time to make me a better person (potenentially as a mother).

I don't want to hear about all the abandoned children in this world that I cannot raise and love.

I don't want to hear about all the babies and children out there in the world being mistreated, abused, and needlessly suffering because I cannot protect them.

I don't want to hear about one more child not getting a warm meal or clean water when my heart is just aching to meet all of their needs - when I am just aching to be used by God to show them the warmth of His love and the strength of His protection.

My spirit is broken. My spirit is weak. I am the suffering soul that is walking right beside all the smiling faces and I, too, have a smile pasted on my face despite the shatteredness of my ragged emotions.

I feel so spent by God. I feel so abandoned and used. Why is that I am asked to suffer this tremendous cross? I am tired of people minimizing my suffering. I am tired of not bearing this cross joyfully.

I did say that I would do my best to not blame God if we did not conceive this cycle, but it is just so much more than that. I am unceasingly trying to be a wife on fire with zeal for my vocation as a wife but that is so tied with the vocation of motherhood, that I feel like such a failure.

What I do know is that I have not been abandoned by God and that even though my suffering is great, God loves me and my husband tremendously.

I have to admit, I don't know the plans God has for me and my family.

I feel like I am in a very dark place. I don't exactly feel hopeless, I just feel defeated! Like I am laying flat on the muddy football field when the other team is scoring in the end zone. Can you tell my dh is watching the game as I blog?

cd1

No baby dust here.

It is cd1.

Waiting

I am waiting for a new cycle to start.

Cd 1 was on 10/28 (so it is cd32), p was 11/13 so today is p+16.

My temp dropped this morning, but I am not too sure how reliable this is at this point. I woke up with pain on my right side and took an advil certain that cd 1 was imminent, but it has not shown up yet and while I hope and pray that I would be lucky enough to be late for a reason, I am just not so sure. I think the Advil caused the drop in temp.

I really don't want to let my mind get ahead of where I am physically.

We had an amazing Thanksgiving celebration with family and it was a nice suprise to be in good spirits. We did lots of home projects this holiday weekend and just spent some fun time together cooking, watching movies and just enjoying each other. It has been such a blessing to enjoy our time off together. On Saturday, we put up our tree and it was so easy this time. We had been given the christmas tree my Aunt had and it was just 3 pieces and was pre-lit. It seems very special to have this part of her with us. She loved the holidays! The tree is simply decorated and we only put up decorations that the cats could not break, since Baylie is still a kitten and we wanted to get her used to it and not risk breaking any of our special ornaments. I really want to make a special ornament for Nicky. I am thinking a little "n" that I can decorate and add a star too. We got one for Sam a long time and I want a special one for Nicky. I really like the one that Ann from Building a Nest got.

Anyway, I realized the next morning that in my determination to not be grumpy or sad for Christmas, I did speed pass the "waiting" period of Advent. It made me think that I am just not so great at waiting for much of anything. I am just so impatient with so many things - like getting stuck in traffic, waiting to see a doctor, waiting for blood work or the labs to be done, the list could go on. I prayed this morning that God would help me to wait well. I told God that I will not throw a hissy fit if I am not pregnant right now and I would not throw a fit if I did in fact get pregnant and lose another baby. I heard someone say today that they are just in pieces. What a beautiful way to describe their brokeness. I beleive that I am in pieces for a purpose and I am asking God to help me understand that I can wait on Him and trust that His plans are the best.

Baking up some cheerfulness!

These are my famous mini pecan pies. It has been a favorite of my family and friends for many years, I even did a little stint of selling them locally to earn some extra cash.

They are so YUMMY and completely not good for you! Maybe that is why everyone likes them and I only make them for family about 2 times a year.

I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving! Over the couse of the month, I have found so much to be thankful for, but today I was reminded to always love my sweet husband and never take him for granted. God wants us to dream big and He gave us each other to dream with all the days of our lives!

Prayers and blessings to you all!

Nothing to cheer about - P+7

I called the doctor's office to get my P+7 results and they called me an hour later to give them to me. That was really fast.

When she gave them to me, I thought they were right on the mark. I told J that they would not be as high as last time bc that was so weird for me.
Last cycle: Prog. =45, estr. = 26.7
This cycle: Prog. =20.3, estr. = 15.6

I said that is really what I expected, I did not expect any high progesterone levels bc I did not feel any of the typical signs of super high progesterone. She was like "No, these are really good numbers." Really?

The truth of the matter is that when we conceived, the levels were, 20.3 and 7.1.

I am not really sad, worried, or upset. I am just tired of this rollercoaster. I ready to get off and spend my money and time in something useful.

Yet, I am still hopeful. I am so wishy-washy. I really just want to be a mommy and one day, I still believe that will come true. By the way, I have been playing around with girl names and J came up with one that I thought he did not like and I paired it with my favorite saint and think we have a winner :) This is just for fun and it keeps the dream alive! We are already pretty certain on what we would like to name our son if we ever have the pleasure to have one! A girl or a boy, it doesn't matter. We have got great names for them, so come on babies - fall from the sky!!!!

Does anyone know what the optimal ration of p/e is for a possible conception or is that just gasping for straws?

Prayers continue for all of you! I love doing this novena for all of you!

Stages of Sleep & Co-Sleeping!

I seriously need some kids to torture with an ever flashing camera so that I can give the girls (KITTIES) a break!

So much has happened since my last post, the most miraculous is the fact that my Mom changed her opinion on being Pro-choice to Pro-life. She was able to go to see Rebecca with J and I on Thursday and I was just blown away at how she could put all of my feelings about being conceived in rape right out there.
My mom was able to listen to her open-mindedly. I was able to see and talk with her and I am slowly realizing that I have nothing to apologize for in regard to how I was conceived and that all life is precious, even my own. My mom was amazed that her heart changed and it helped her to feel that no matter what mistakes she made in her life, at least she did one thing right. She told me all of this after the fact.
Miracles do still happen.
J and I had the roughest Friday/Saturday this weekend when caring for two of my cousins, whom the mom wishes to list us as guardians for in the event she would pass away. They are 12 and 13 and they have been trained to do whatever they want, behave however they want, etc. They have not always been that way, but one was much better at listening than the other. I was very proactive in always trying to be one step ahead of them, but when they are allowed to talk disrespectful and misbehave w/o any consequences, no matter what you do it is not enough. I don't really want to go into it all, but I was just heartbroken, but we had to follow through with consequences and it shocked one of them. We brought one back early to his mom and the other one got to hang out with us all day on saturday, go to the movies and the mall and even got to eat out. He was very happy. They are doing terribly in school and I just want to confront their mom and tell her to wake up! These are days you are not going to get back - wake up, it is not all about you. Help these children be successful. Their home life is dismal.

J took me out to eat last night at a nice restaurant and I don't even drink and I wanted some wine! Too bad I was post peak. We had such a nice time, we kept trying to focus on forgetting our tough time with one of the kids.

In cycle news, I got my p+7 blood draw done last friday. It was the biggest joke, they pulled the wrong orders up and was drawing for a pg test too. I told them I don't need that, utter confusion on their part. They finally decided to call the National Lab to confirm orders. I really did not care at that point, I was like just send them the dang blood, they will know what to do with it.

I am p+9 today and I am still having some mild butterfly pains on my right side. This has been off and on for the last two days. It hurts more when I lay on my right side at night.

I did confess to J that I am afraid to get/be pregnant. I know that is not courageous, but fear just takes over when I am in pain and I wonder if something serious could be wrong. The innocence is gone. I keep thinking that the next cycle would be different, but I am just having to walk blindly through this tunnel.

I did break down at the very end of mass today. I was alone on the front row (since I lectored) and an overwhelming sadness enveloped me and I was just talking to my sweet Nicky and explaining to him/her (I always sensed I was carrying a boy) that I was just so sad that I did not get a chance to meet them. All I wanted to do was meet them.

I am trying to come to terms with the possibility that I may not have any children on this earth that I can raise, but aware that I need to be thankful that I do have two that are waiting to meet me and their daddy when we get to heaven.

I am not trying to cling, I am trying to surrender. I do trust God, I just wish these dark nights would give way to a city of light soon!

Excited

I am excited to go hear a Prolife message tonight at my old university. The presenter is Rebecca Kiessling and if you have not heard of her, go.ogle her. I have been able to learn her story and if you know mine, you can easily see why I am excited to hear her speak to our community. I have invited my Mom, J, and my friend is also going with us!
This really is an answered prayer and is something I have been trying to bring to light in our community. That life is precious no matter in which way it was conceived.
The way I found out about her was through a website talking about a prolife movie Ti.ger's Hope (I think is the name of it). She discussed her hx with CrMS and Napro and she was very successful! She is now the mother of five. I am not sure if she adopted 2 or 3 kids, but I know she had at least two through the assistant of PPVI.

I want to end with a quote from when President G.W. Bush greeted Pope Benedict XVI's during his visit to the White House: "In a world where some treat life as someting to be debased and discarded, we need your message that all humanity is sacred and that 'each of us is willed, each of us is loved . . . and each of is necessary.'"

For all of this, I am thankful for today!

Thoughts on letting go

Letting Go

Let go of the desire to have children.

Let go of wanting to have children through your own womb.

Let go of wanting to have children through adoption.

Be thankful that your womb had new life growing in it for awhile.

These were all things said to me in my spiritual direction meeting yesterday. I dug in my heels and told my SD that I did not want to let go of that desire. I told them that the desire to have children is not just some fly by night idea - it has been nurtured in my heart for at least the last 12 years! Before I even met my husband, I desired to be mother and raise children. When my husband and I met, we dreamed together of becoming parents. I told them that there is nothing wrong with my desire and I don't really think that God wants me to let go of this desire. I believe with my whole heart that God has placed this desire in my heart. I did ask many years ago when I felt completely hopeless of finding help for my health problems that it the desire was not of God, that He would remove that desire from my heart.
The desire only grew stronger, especially as I began to fall in love with all children. Regardless of race or special needs. I began to see that there are children, older ones, praying for a Mom and a Dad, at the same time that I am praying for a child to love and to tuck in bed at night. We are not wealthy by any means, but we are rich in love and acceptance. We are overflowing in love for the gospel and desire to share the love of Christ with a child(ren). We have food to feed a hungry belly, running warm water to clean a child after a hard day of playing, and we have a warm, soft bed in a safe house. Why would I not desire to share that.
I tend to believe that we have something to offer and we have something to receive. Don't get me wrong, I would love a child that would come through the union of the physical love I share with my husband, but I know that I can be a good mother to a child not born of my womb and I know that my husband can be an awesome father.

I cried the whole afternoon yesterday as I wondered if God is calling me to "Let Go"

I wanted to know if I am being called to let go of the whole desire to parent children on earth and just be thankful for the two that are already in heaven.

If God is calling me to let go, he will give me the strength to do it, but the fact that I planted my feet and refused to move made me wonder if that counsel was not from God.

In hindsight, I think that my SD may have been referring to letting go of control. I told her that J and I are praying more to God that His will on how to grow our family will be revealed to us and he will teach us how to get there. My mind keeps going to adoption while I believe that J is still praying that a baby is born from my own womb.

Well, I cried nearly the whole way home and cried as I cooked dinner, to the point that tears just kept streaming. Later, when J and I reconnected, I shared with him what was upsetting me and he go just as upset and said that he doesn't think that we need to give up on our desire to be parents. Music to my ears.

I don't think that in all my years of SD that I have benn so clearly NOT directable!!! This is the same SD that suggested in-vitro and doesn't understand why I would choose to follow Church teaching in regard to this. I know this doesn't paint a pretty picture. She did not push this issue, but she pushed the one of letting go yesterday.

Control was a big topic of discussion during the meeting, that is why I think that she was trying to suggest that we pray for God to help us let go of our desire to control. I read today that the opposite of love is not hate, but control.

I think that I have been so insistent on adoption and J is so insistent on exhausting all natural means to have a baby before trying to adopt . . .we have both been trying to contol and did not even realize it. I just kept praying that his heart would open for adoption, while activately trying to pursue getting pregnant!

I don't have any more answers today than I did yesterday, but I am less teary eyed. It could be because I am P+4 and got my hcg shot last night. I had a weird CM pattern this time and I just don't feel like the month is any different that the past few months. I am so sore up top and this was present even before the hcg meds, so that is making me crazy.

I am going to resume my thankful list, I am thankful for:
(1) free food - I was given a huge amount of seafood gumbo and my hubbie ate as much as he wanted and then put a big bowl in the freezer for my mom!
(2) an amazing pro-life sign that I pass every morning that is across from a big high school! The first time I saw it, my heart was so moved. It has a young girl, around 16-17, with her hand outstretched and on the palm of her hand "Choose Life" is written in big, bold, black letters. On the side of her picture it says "1/3 of my generation has been wiped out because of abortion."
(3) my grandma. She showed me that you don't always love because you are loved, you love because you know that keeping all that love to yourself is useless, wasteful and does NOT build up the kingdom of God! Her name was Minnie Elaine (12/9/38-11/17/2004)

$2775.25

Yes, that is the going rate of a HSG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Praise God for insurance and met deductibles.

Spiritual direction stunk today . . .did a lot of crying and was told to "Let Go".

O well, I guess it is just another uncomfortable moment . . a pause in this stage of life I am going through.

When things are uncomfortable, God is most likely doing His work. Well, I have been uncomfortable for a long time now. He must have a lot of work to do on me.

No thankful list today.

It was such a busy weekend!

I got to have a great time with my friend on Friday evening! We had a great time and giggled like two little girls! It was so good for the soul. I got to sleep in on Saturday morning and then spent the afternoon with J when he returned home and we got to meet my Mom and stepdad at a local restaurant for an early dinner. What was supposed to be fun and relaxing became a miserable meal because we were there for 1/2 an hour and no one came to take our drink orders or nothing. All of the people around us were being tended to, but it was like no one saw us. I went to the hostes to see what happened and the manager came by and gave us some free things, but we were not looking for free stuff, we just wanted good service. We ended up with a very unhappy waitress and she no kind at all and so to diffuse the situation we just kept being kind. I am praying that she was just having a bad night. She seemed so burdened. It was such a strange experience. I have never seen someone so sad and angry, we prayed for her and she is still on my mind.

In other news, I was able to get some great early Christmas gifts this weekend and I have found that my mood regarding the holidays is improving. The other day, J and I were in T.arge.t and I caught myself enjoying the christmas music and he saw that crack as an opportunity to challenge me. I told him that I think it is my right to dislike the celebration of Christmas because we were supposed to have a Christmas season baby and we named them after St. Nicholas and now we have no baby. J challenged me by saying that should be a good enough reason to celebrate the birth of Jesus and the generousity of St. Nicholas this holiday season. That really stung, but it has been a gift to me so that I can get out of my own suffering for just a moment and realize that Christmas is not about me, but Jesus.

I can only say that grace has entered in and my heart is changing. I am actually looking foward to decorating for Christmas and letting what awaits me in heaven keep my hope alive. Jesus lives in my heart and my hope is in HIM. I will celebrate his birth and be thankful that I even had the chance to be pregnant and enjoy that pregnancy for a short time.

There are momens that I am so thankful that I was able to enjoy new life within me. Other times, I feel like I was teased. After so many years of being open and receiving nothing and then bam, something worked and a new soul was created. My hope has been buoyed. I am hoping with my whole heart that I will get the chance to mother another child. My heart aches for that.

Today I was able to go to Holy Mass, I had been avoiding it for the last two weeks. I have just been battling so much. There has been so much fatigue and my soul was so hurt that I could not motivate myself to go to mass for two weekends. I am glad I went today and received Jesus in the Holy Eucharist. During Mass, there was a moment when I remembered being pregnant and feeling so excited to share Jesus with my unborn baby. I was so glad to have been able to give that to my little one for awhile.

My thanful list . . .
(1) for Sam and Nicky!
(2) for the gifts of the lives of the Saints and how they teach me to love Christ more fully each day!
(3) having a somewhat uncluttered home! I watched Clean.House today and was so blown away.

Thankful . . .part 5

This may be getting old to some of you, but I am doing so much better by doing this! It has really put so much into perspective!
I am thankful for . . .
(1) Awesome CM! There must have been a split P, could not have been related to stress - hahaha! I am so thankful that I decided to not do the hcg last night! I can now wait and see!

(2) Ashley! She is a social worker I spoke to yesterday and J was on board with this and she was so kind. She works for a children's home and they do adoptions. There are not many, but you never know. You don't pay a penny until a child is in your home and the fees for when it is done are amazing! A donation to care for the other children in their care. What grace. I don't know where this will lead, but I discovered them by putting about 10 puzzle pieces together on tuesday and how it came to my attention was very random. All we have to do is a short summary of our life and our dreams along with a photo to them and they will share it with the girls in their maternity home. Once (if) we are chosen then all the fun begins. That is when they do the home study,etc. I am not going to worry about how strange it all seems, I am just so excited we are going to be doing our part by making ourselves available and pray that if it is God's will the right birthmother would be led to choose us!

(3) I am going to have a girls night with one of my dearest friends tonight! I can't wait to visit! She is the kind of friend you can just share anything with and her reaction is almost always so unexpectedly kind and challenging :). Thank you God for wonderful friends and being able to visit them!

Thankful for . . . part 4

I am thankful for
(1) Really great christian music and songwriters who can bring the scriptures alive for me and bring me to a new perspective on suffering for the cross and hoping for the resurrection!

(2) Amazing God-appointed friends on this journey to parenthood. My soul used to be so burdened and felt so alone on this journey. While it still hurts my heart that so many others are in a similar pain, I am thankful that I get to see their faith and hope.

(3) I am thankful that my husband is praying with me and begging God for His will to known to us.

Thankful for . . .part 3

I am thankful for . . .
(1) the freedom to pray
(2) the freedom of not living in fear, giving in huge part by the sacrifice of our veterans.
(3) free long distance on my cell phone, it is the only way I can keep in touch with my Omaha doctor and pharmacy!

There is a theme here today . . . free!

Life goes on whether my heart is sorrowful or not.
New babies are born everyday, new souls are claimed for Heaven.

Jesus is the prize.

Thankful for . . .

I am determined to make this month a thankful one! I may have started late, but here are three things I am thankful for today:
(1) My Mom, I am so grateful for her courage to give me life.
(2) Daisy & Baylie
(3) A job with benefits!

Lazy Haze

It seems that I have been so lazy lately and my brain is stuck in a cloudy haze. I don't really know how to get out of that funk. It has me pretty worried.
Even my husband told me today "Isn't too early in the month to be feeling this way?" That question did wonders for my spirit! Yeah right. I did not hold it against him though because I am wondering the same thing.
Today is cd 13 and it was so funny that I actually got upset for not having the bodily signs I want to see at this stage in the game. I guess it is possible for me to have a peak on cd 12, but that would be a record for me. I did feel some pain on my left side today that would have made me think it could be related to O pain.
I am confident that I am way too emotional about all of it, but I just felt so hopeless today. I thought to myself, I guess we just have to learn to live with dissatisfaction. I don't think that I can settle to be like that though and I don't think I should have to, but if I am storing up my treasures in Heaven, then why should I worry?
I am amazed at how God moves in the lives of others, but I just wonder what He has in mind for us. I am tired of begging. Yet I will keep begging if I will get what I want. The only way to find out is to keep begging :)
I am just so excited for GIMH's miracle. Praise God, He is still in the miracle business. (by the way, I don't know how to make a link, feel free to give me tech advice!)
A fellow blogger is saying things she is grateful for each day in November, so I will try to the same Maybe showing my gratitude will change my heart from focusing on my sorrow.
Here goes:
(1) My wonderful husband, he always keeps me remembering that God still loves me even though He took my babies to their eternal home.
(2) My three sweet godsons . . . what an honor to watch them grow.
(3) Good sales at JCP! Seriously, I love to shop!

I survived!

If the way the morning was going was going to indicate the results of my test today, I would have been in trouble.

I said I have been avoiding all kinds of things lately and I really did not want to get up to go to town to do MORE fertility testing. I must have pressed the SNOOZE 3 times when the phone promptly rings at 7:30 AM and it is the insurance lady at the hospital telling me: "Your insurance is not going to cover this service today because it was coded as being related to INFERTILITY!" I tell you if I here one more person use the word Infertility around me today, I just might be willing to give them a black eye even though it is no longer Halloween.

I ended up figuring out she was trying to run the pre-authorization wrong and she tried to blame my doctor for coding it wrong. I simply told her "It is always someone else's fault, right?" It really caused her to stop and realize that yes, we are always looking to point fingers at someone else.

So since my hsg was set for 9:00 AM and I live 1/2 an hour away from the hospital, I get on the phone to the insurance agency and get close to nowhere, but at least the lady was nice. I was crying at this point bc here I am figting to get some stupid test done that I don't really want to have to do at all. Well, my doctor's office doesn't open until 9:00 AM so I call at 7:40 and leave a message explaining the situation. I then decide I am not going to miss taking this test. I can fight the insurance later and if a few hundred dollars is all it takes for me to have some peace of mind, we will have to work with that.

I quickly dressed and headed out to town and then the office manager from my doctor's office calls me at 8:20 to let me know that she got my message and is getting the paperwork checked out and that they was not code of IF on the paperwork. I asked her to make me copies of all the paperwork and I will pick it up on my way to the hospital. She agrees to this and remains courteous, I do love my new doctor's office. Thankfully, my doctor is right next to the hospital so I hurry to get there and do all the admitting junk, but only after stopping at W.algreen's to get some advil. FYI, the advil did work to make it less painful.

I finally make it to the doctor's office, get all the paperwork and manage to get to the hospital on time. Whew.

Yet, when I get there, they take their time in admitting and then I find out that the staff thinks I am scheduled for 10AM. I am holding the appointmet time in my hand and there are still telling me it is NOT at 9 AM and I will have to wait.

WAIT! The story of my life.

So I wait and I was so thankful that I waited. I had the most kind radiologist and Rad Tech I have ever met. They were worth the wait. They were thorough, kind, and patient.

YET, the silly girls prepping me ask "Is this for infertility?" There were not ready for my answer when I told them no. I am not infertile. I MONITOR my fertility. My fertility is not exactly waving me in, but I do believe I have SOME! I told them that I just had a loss of my left tube due to a rupture for the ectopic pregnancy in May. I told them we want to know if the other tube is good.

Woe to the next person who asks me if I am infertile!!!

I think I have just aquired a great distaste for that word and this word is no longer going to define me. I am a woman who is struggling to have the family I have always dreamed about.

Well, the test actually went well and we got some really great pictures of my tubes, cervix, and uterus. The doctor exclaimed in the beginning of the procedure "You've got a great looking cervix" Something I never thought I would hear, but oh such a tender gesture for him to share that when he knew I was so nervous. The right tube was FULLY OPEN! There was free spill on the right side. AMAZING. My tube was nothing like the images we see in textbooks though. Mine seemed so long and thin and curvy, but the doctor said this is a great tube given my history. The best thing is that I saw the images with my own eyes.
He also said "The proof is in the pudding though" Meaning that we will have to just wait and see if a fertilized egg will make its way to my womb. For the time being we are just going to assume that I have great eggs and ovulate with clomid.
My husband called me as I was leaving the hospital and I told him the news. He was relieved. I am relieved.

I did tell him, I guess we will try until we have nothing left to offer. We will just have to trust that if God wants to bring new life and if it finds its way to my uterus we will be thankful and if we are able to conceive new life and the baby gets stuck again, we will still be thankful for that little life and it will still all be worth it. We will just offer praise to God in whatever circumstance we find ourselves.

I just don't know if another pregnancy is part of God's will for us, but I am hoping so and I am hoping that this might be a baby I can hold and watch grow.

I am still so in love with adoption too. It is really hard on my heart to not be ready to pursue adoption yet when I am ready to start that process. I don't want to come across as silly, but my heart is just so moved with love for all children, that I want to be ready for the one (or more) God is ready to share with us.

Baylie is HOME! I am so happy. She is hurting and moving slowing, but she still jumps although I am trying to keep her from doing this. My heart aches to see her hurting. It makes me wonder if this is just a taste of what J felt as he watches me suffer?

Thanks for all your prayers for both me and Baylie! We are grateful!

hsg tomorrow

the hsg is tomorrow

I am certainly not thrilled and really told God that I am not happy that I am still on this roller coaster.

I just want to move on.

I don't want to be trying to get pregnant when I should still be pregnant.

I have been giving myself a pretty good pity party the past two days! My emotions are all over the place and I am a holy terror to live with right now. I haven't felt this low in a long time.

Part of it was brought on when my mom pressured me to make a decision on how we were planning to spend the holidays. I clearly told her when it was obvious that only the blunt truth would work that I am not looking foward to the holidays. I want to actually go on vacation for Christmas.

Avoiding is what I am really desiring right now. I want to avoid so many things and today, just thinking of these things would bring tears to my eyes.

I am having a huge battle right now. I am having such a hard time trusting that God is in all of this.

I believe that I will not be in this place for long, but it just makes me understand just a little bit of the suffering of Mother Theresa and her soul's dark nights.

The highlight of Friday is that I am off and once the test is over, I can bring Baylie home.

Baylie **UPDATE**

Today is Baylie's surgery day. She was not happy to be giving up food after 9 pm and was so sad as we drove to the vet's office.

In all honesty, I am going to miss her and worry about her until I can pick her up on Friday after my hsg.

I spent some special time with her this morning before putting her in the kennel and also annointed her with Holy Water. She also got a very special St. Francis blessing.

Could I be anymore nuts? I am trying to humanize my poor Baylie. She is our baby though and she was there with me as I recoved from the emergency surgery for the ectopic pregnancy.

All I can say is she is one loved cat and I won't be the only one to miss her. Daisy will be looking for her until we bring her home.

**
Update:

Baylie is doing well. The vet just called to let me know that she is waking up and did wonderful in surgery! Praise God! Thanks for all your prayers!

What is it?

I have been having some of the weirdest pains and I just can't identify why they are happening. I don't remember ever having so many sensations in my ovaries, tubes, etc. There were some short, cramping moments today and my body is just so hard to read.

I find that I am trying really hard to not spend too much time thinking about these things because it is just so hard to cast off fear.

It has just been such a spiritual battle lately.

Trust vs. Fear.

Hope vs. Hopelessness.

Faith vs. Feelings of Abandonment.

Trust has been so hard for me lately. I do trust that no matter what I will face, I will have consolation from God, but I am having a hard time trusting that I can find joy and peace if I don't ever get that which I have invested so much of myself into obtaining, through grace.

Sometimes I wonder how we have managed to keep going after the same goal for the last nine years. How is it that we have not given up? How is it that the dream has not died? How is it that the fire of our dream gets stronger and stronger, month after loving month?

Only by God's grace.

I think that the reason our hope is still alive is becasue we know that God is not done. We do know that God's best work is done in what we perceive as darkness. We know that God's mind will not change no matter how much we plead, but that he is there to hold us tenderly and remain there with us in the desert until we finally see the running stream. We know that our God makes a highway in the desert and that He will never leave us figure it all out on our own.

He loves us too much to leave us orphans.

This is what I know . . . so why does my heart still wonder and waver?

I talked with a friend of mine about fear today and she told me that she has never really experienced the kind of fear that I am struggling with in placing myself at the disposal of God. She did not say this in an ugly way, she just did not recognize this emotion in herself and maybe she has not been there . . . where she is at the end of what she knows to be real and then asked to go even further.

That is what I feel like I am being asked to do. Everything in my being wants to be self-preserving. I think that is why I am being called to ask for St. Gianna's intercession right now. I am having to learn from her motherhood. I am having to absorb her confidience that God gives you the strength to do all of the things he calls you to do. I am just so amazed at her courage. In none of the information I have read so far discusses any of the fear she could have experienced when being told of her compromised health during her last pregnancy. I have read that she KNEW she was called to the vocation of motherhood. In the describing of this calling, it felt very much like my own calling. I feel completely called to be a mother.

There is a passion to fulfill this vocation, there is no lukewarmness about it. It is a fire-engine red kind of passion.

I heard today that I need to love the "Blesser" more than the "Blessings". This called me to re-evaluate my desires. I think sometimes I get bogged down in seeking blessings and not being as thankful for the ongoing presence of the "Blesser".

This is my cross.

This is part of my path to salvation.

This is my suffering.

This will be my story of HOPE.

This will be my story of GRACE.

This is my story of LOVE.

I shall not hide in the shame of my cross, for this is what is transforming me.

I shall not curse this path, for it is surely bringing me to the Throne of Grace.

I shall not shrink in this time of suffering, for this is what is teaching me to reflect the love of the suffering Christ.