Ramblings and Thoughts

There is so much going on in my tired little mind. I am wanting to raise the white flag!

I did have a Spiritual Direction appointment yesterday and I just wondered, out loud, why I hold grudges, get so angry at parents who do not treasure their children and provide the best care they can for them, why do I find the mere mention of some people’s name to set me off.

I truly get tired of people telling me that if this is the family that child is born into and neglect is present, that all of these circumstances will just make this child a stronger adult. In my mind, yes, this this child could grow to be a strong child, but there is also the distinct possibility that this child will keep falling through the cracks and grow up without direction and knowing the true meaning of unconditional love.

I was encouraged to seek counseling yesterday to deal with my anger and grief of having to surrender healthy fertility to God and surrender two children to him that we desired to hold, love, and know. I find that I get so bitter about the fact that I have to try so hard to make myself healthy, when others are given healthy bodies. Why do I have to jump through hoops to figure out which path to take to grow our family and who is to say that the path we choose is the one God has chosen for us.

I was going to be seeing a friend of mine from college who I have not seen since I got married and I was getting myself ready to be bombarded about questions of whether we have any children. For the first time ever I found myself not sorrowful that we have two perfect babies in heaven, but that we are blessed to have them there. That moment of grace has lasted and I find that I am thankful for those two sweet babies that I had the opportunity to help bring into being with my dear husband and my Creator God. I still stand amazed that I have been able to be blessed with the gift of life in my womb twice. My husband wants me to stop referring to myself as IF . . . he is right, but it is hard when you still find your arms empty and your house quiet. I know that just having life there for the moment they were there is a blessing. I know that the mere fact that they were brought into being is gift.

We have been trying this cycle and it has been a tremendous act of faith for me. I do not know if my body will allow a baby to live inside of me so that they can grow big enough to live outside of me. I know the consequences and have chosen to surrender myself to the will of God. Until I am no longer able to try, I will. I will allow myself to be at God’s disposal.

In regard to the counseling, I am extremely nervous about it. Not because I think it will be a waste of time, but I am tired of making myself so vulnerable. My husband is not on board with this and if he is, he is not willing to seek any intervention for himself. I do feel kind of pressured here. I know my limits, but it seems that others won’t accept my limits. People want me to be hopeful forever. Hope is not a bad thing, but there are times when God can lead you down a new path.

I have been realizing that if I do find myself with another ectopic pregnancy, I will lose my right tube and my fertility. I do realize that the only way for me to be a mother nurturing children on earth will be through adoption if my fertility is completely gone. At the same time, I am reminded that many women who have lost a tube due to a ectopic pregnancy have gone on to have many healthy children. I guess I am just trying to see what I have to lose and what I have to gain. That is why I am putting myself out there. I have so much to gain. There is a lot to lose, but it is necessary to try for the simple gift of hoping that no more loss will be coming our way.

Speaking of adoption, I have been asking God to prepare my heart for adoption if that is what he is calling our family to do. I have also been praying for my dear husband to be open, but I believe he thinks that he is open to that, he is giving up hope for us to be able to have a healthy pregnancy. So, anyway, God has been revealing so much to me. Yesterday as I was driving home, I just had the most amazing revelation about open adoption. Radically open adoption. It has also brought me a little anxiety to think about, but I was just blown away at the grace God bestowed on me in allowing me to have this revelation.

Having a baby when you are not planning to have one and finding yourself feeling trapped and unable to provide the kind of home you desire for your baby must be such a terrible feeling. When you find yourself blaming yourself for putting yourself in the situation of having an unplanned pregnancy or traumatized for some reason as to how the baby was brought into being is something that I cannot imagine having to deal with, especially if you are dealing with so many other crisis situations in your life. I was given the grace to see that when an adoptive couple willing accepts that child and that child’s birthmother to be gifts to them, they can change the world. What an honor to be called to a safe haven to someone in this situation and the child they are carrying or have carried. I just got a sense of restoration in seeing how an open-adoption is a blessing to the birthparents and their families. You, as an adoptive parent can be a part of the healing process that comes with the grief of a mother who places her child for adoption. That mother who places her child for adoption is still a mother. She will grieve that she is not parenting that child, but she is willing to live with this grief (although for some, it may seem like relief) because she loves her child tremendously. She loves that child enough to say that I will value enough to give you to allow God to choose who will parent you here on earth. What a tremendous gift, when the adoptive couple is allowed to let that woman see that the little one is well, cared-for, and thriving! She doesn’t have to wonder . . .which could quite possible add to her wanting to bury herself in grief.

As I write this, I wonder if this is being glorified and it is simply not that easy. I know that some women who place their children for adoption may not desire to know or subject themselves to painful situations and a closed adoption seems to be the best thing for them. I did get what I asked for when I asked God to open my heart and help me to dispel fears about open adoption though. Even the other day, I found myself wondering what it would feel like to have grown up with brown skin, tan skin, or even black skin. {This is noted because I have only experienced life as a white person and wonder just what it would feel to be judged only on the basis of my skin color}. I genuinely wanted to know. What brought that on was that I met some beautiful brown-skinned women with hearts of gold, no suprise. I have also found myself drawn to people who do not share my race and most of the time, through work relationships, they have become my closest friends. I wondered if I am ever given the opportunity to parent a child who does not share my race, how will that go for the child. I can handle the stares and the comments, but how will my child handle that. We live in a very single race community. There are only about 10 people of other races at our church and the schools are nearly all one race. I did not grow up this way, I grew up very poor and lived in neighborhoods that were filled with all races and in my classroom, I was one of three white kids. So race doesn’t bother me. It does bother others in our extended family, only one side though. I really feel stuck in being open and being told to be closed. Maybe this is one way I can benefit from counseling.

I do have someone in mind and I don’t think that it will take a long while to work through some of my feelings, but I am scared. I would need it to be completely confidential. I am tired of feeling shame for not being able to carry children to a live birth. I am tired of holding grudges or getting angry at parents who I think don’t care for their children well. I don’t get angry at all parents and I can be around my friends who have little ones and love to be in their company because I feel that they are living that vocation well, but who am I to judge.

I don’t feel depressed, I think that I feel afraid of what the future holds. I get angry about what I have had to give up. I think that what I feel is justified anger and frustration about my own situation, but I don’t need to channel that in a way that is judging, unkind, or rude. God did not give me this cross to let me tear down his kingdom, but to help build his kingdom in only the way that I can.