More thoughts . . .struggles

There is still so much on my little mind.

I have been so exhausted. I work about eight hours a day, but it is not very physically demanding. In fact, there are days that I am just trying to find work to do. I seem to be more energized when there is a lot of motion and activity at work. Yet, at the end of the day, I come home exhausted. I am waking up exhausted. Last night my back hurt and it has been hurting for the past few days. It is in a weird place. I am feeling so bloated and had to take a gas pill last night because I just felt so swollen and bloated with gas. I don’t usually post about this, but it is new to me and it is wearing me out. It was hard to get comfortable to sleep and when I finally did get to sleep it was almost time to get up. Let’s not forget the constant running back and forth to the bathroom.

I just feel so clueless about where I am in my cycle. I am on cd18 and I really think that my P was on Sunday, cd15. I don’t know if I ever ovulated this early but my gut just tells me that was the day. That was the only day I saw 10kl. I had about 5 white baby stickers before this so this could be normal since it seems like the clomid really limits my cm even with cm enhancers and drinking lots of water. There has been quite a bit of stress this cycle so I just feel lost. I am tracking and charting, but I did have to put another white baby stamp yesterday and so I am just wanting to go with my gut on my P day.

All of this confusion leads me to wonder when to use the hcg meds. If there is no peak time signs today, I am going to go with the idea that my peak day was Sunday and that would lead me to start the hcg meds tonight. I messed up before when having a double peak and the nurse said that if was ok that I did the hcg early. It had no real negative effects. Is this true?

Switching gears here.

Yesterday, I ran across the card for the adoption attorney that was given to us days after my release from the hospital in May. I never got any response from them. It was like the paralegal never gave the attorney my message. I immediately, go the idea to call on one that we had recently heard of as being very helpful. I just wanted to call and see if that door would shut on me too, or if that was the door we needed to try. The urge was intense. It just stirred my soul on a deep level. I just got so down on myself when this happened because I am just wondering if I am really giving it my all at ttc a new baby? I know that physically I am, but does my faith really believe that it is possible? I really think that it is possible, because I have known God to do awesome things. I just go back and forth so much and I don’t know where God is in all of this.

The bottom line is that I want to be a mother and I am finding little consolation in knowing that my two babies are in the presence of God and not where I can care for them on a daily basis. I think that I really need to just get over this . . . can I be at peace not having the opportunity to raise children? I really don’t think so, at least not right now. I will always feel like something is missing and what does this say about my faith?

While I am sitting here exposing my deepest feelings, I have to admit that I am terrified of pregnancy. I have had two terrible experiences with it and I am afraid. For the past several months, I have been trying to be brave in casting off the cloak of fear, but it is back with a vengeance. I know that staring fear in the face is how so many miracles happen, so this is what I am doing. Fully throwing myself out there and trusting that whatever the outcome, God will redeem it all and make it beautiful. I need to ask for St. Gianna’s intercession in being of strong courage.

Dearest Abba,
I beg you to grow our family in the way that you desire and do not allow our human feelings to thwart your beautiful plan for us. Amen.