I thought it would fun to have some pumpkin pictures with cats. Can you believe that they would not pose for me? They were just too inquisitive.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
My Girls
Happy Halloween!
I thought it would fun to have some pumpkin pictures with cats. Can you believe that they would not pose for me? They were just too inquisitive.
I thought it would fun to have some pumpkin pictures with cats. Can you believe that they would not pose for me? They were just too inquisitive.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Cycle Review
We have officially been given the Green Light to try for pregnancy by the staff at PPVI. As you all know we did try last month, but they actually think we can have a chance this cycle. They even got very specific with me about timing, more so than in the past. She even assured me of prayers for a successful cycle which is not something that has been said before from them.
They had the doctor review my chart for last cycle and they found no tremendous problems. They are very pleased with my hormone levels, my CM pattern (which I am not as happy about, to me it is ambiguous), and really thought that the pain I could have had on the right side could have been my body preparing for a new cycle. They seem to think that I may have gotten crampy earlier instead of with the onset of cd 1. This sort of makes sense to me or they suggested it could have been a stomach bug (I am also inclined to believe this might have been the case since I had to keep running back and forth to the bathroom.) The other idea is that it could have been a corpus lutuem cyst that resolved itself. I know this may seem like way too many possibilities, but I am just going to go with it for now because I am tired of freaking myself out over it and it is gone right now.
I do have my hsg scheduled for November 6, 2009 at 9 AM. I don’t know if the radiologist will let me know if things are good or bad, but I am hoping for the best. I don’t want to be waiting for results for a long time.
I am hoping that my mind is just overactive and because of the difficult experiences I have had I just worry unnecessarily.
My phone has been ringing from all the nurses. If you want to feel popular, start a new cycle . . . hahahaha.
My FIL, who I am very close to, got sick this morning with chest pains and they had to rush him to the hospital. Once there the found out that his blood sugar was way too high and once they got that down they would be able to check his heart for any signs of risk for heart attack. Both of our parents are very young, our moms are 49 and his dad is 51. My FIL is my husband’s best friend, so J was nervous, as was I, today. We feel better that they are monitoring him. They can use all the prayers that can be offered. They are having a lot of trials right now.
I am clomid bound, so anything is likely to come out of my mouth or eyes!
They had the doctor review my chart for last cycle and they found no tremendous problems. They are very pleased with my hormone levels, my CM pattern (which I am not as happy about, to me it is ambiguous), and really thought that the pain I could have had on the right side could have been my body preparing for a new cycle. They seem to think that I may have gotten crampy earlier instead of with the onset of cd 1. This sort of makes sense to me or they suggested it could have been a stomach bug (I am also inclined to believe this might have been the case since I had to keep running back and forth to the bathroom.) The other idea is that it could have been a corpus lutuem cyst that resolved itself. I know this may seem like way too many possibilities, but I am just going to go with it for now because I am tired of freaking myself out over it and it is gone right now.
I do have my hsg scheduled for November 6, 2009 at 9 AM. I don’t know if the radiologist will let me know if things are good or bad, but I am hoping for the best. I don’t want to be waiting for results for a long time.
I am hoping that my mind is just overactive and because of the difficult experiences I have had I just worry unnecessarily.
My phone has been ringing from all the nurses. If you want to feel popular, start a new cycle . . . hahahaha.
My FIL, who I am very close to, got sick this morning with chest pains and they had to rush him to the hospital. Once there the found out that his blood sugar was way too high and once they got that down they would be able to check his heart for any signs of risk for heart attack. Both of our parents are very young, our moms are 49 and his dad is 51. My FIL is my husband’s best friend, so J was nervous, as was I, today. We feel better that they are monitoring him. They can use all the prayers that can be offered. They are having a lot of trials right now.
I am clomid bound, so anything is likely to come out of my mouth or eyes!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Romance & Gifts
This was waitng on me on Tuesday eveing when I got home from work!
A little bit of hope, love, romance ~ all in one simple rose!
There is always something to be thankful for and as always, my rose reminds me that I am in the prayers of St. Therese.
A little bit of hope, love, romance ~ all in one simple rose!
There is always something to be thankful for and as always, my rose reminds me that I am in the prayers of St. Therese.
New beginning
P+17 turned into cd1. Could that be a country and western song for mommy wannabe’s???
Seriously, I was not so much depressed as angry this time. I did have some terrible moments of just wanting to move on without God yesterday. I knew this wasn’t possible for me or even fruitful so it passed, thank goodness. I was really relieved to not be scared of a baby stuck in my right tube though.
In the words of husband, “We really did not try hard this month . . .” I told him I did. I think he was there
Anyway, I just send my chart to ppvi and waiting for the cycle review. Not happy about what the pain on my right side could have been.
I had a terrible fight with J last night about adoption and ttc. He just thinks that if we go toward adoption, we are giving up. I told him that I just wish he would stop calling me a quitter bc I am tired, scared, and just overwhelmed with all of the meds, medical scares and pains, etc. The truth of the matter is that there is no guarantee that we would have the chance to adopt but I do want to be open to whatever blessing God wants to send to us. I think that by doing that, it is an extension of us being open to life.
We got over the argument and made up, but I think sometimes we are just so loving that we don’t push each other too far. I don’t want him to be open to adoption only to please me although I know his heart could change, it might not and that would not make for a happy family.
A few days ago I was talking to a foreign priest and he asked me many questions about my life, work, etc. He asked the inevitable question “Do you and your husband have any children?” I went to say “No” meaning none here that we can see and I said “we were blessed with two who are in Heaven.” He looked at me funny and asked what I meant. I told him that we were given two babies that died before they were born. It was so hard to say, but necessary for me. He then told me so simply “Well, children are a gift from God so if he decides to take them back He can.” He probably meant for that to be consoling, but it just put it so simply for me to understand why I am so angry.
God did give us a precious gift, twice. Then He took them back. What kind of loving Father does that? If God is all powerful, why did he let our first baby slip away from us quietly and then let our other baby to get placed in a place it would not have the chance to survive. I am beginning to think that God did not want this to happen, but it did. My diseased body made it happened. I don’t have any assurance that it won’t do it again. This is real faith here. I just can’t imagine God asking anymore of me, but I know that He will.
This morning I begged Him to move mountains.
This is a terrible time of year for people who yearn to be parents to living, breathing, thriving children. Halloween, Thanksgiving with tons of family with their happy family, and then Christmas. I have managed to avoid every Christmas display and I get angry looking at them when I am out because it just reminds me of all the dreams I had of having my baby during the Christmas season.
I am just sad right now. I don’t really know where I will find the strength to move on, but I will somehow.
Seriously, I was not so much depressed as angry this time. I did have some terrible moments of just wanting to move on without God yesterday. I knew this wasn’t possible for me or even fruitful so it passed, thank goodness. I was really relieved to not be scared of a baby stuck in my right tube though.
In the words of husband, “We really did not try hard this month . . .” I told him I did. I think he was there
Anyway, I just send my chart to ppvi and waiting for the cycle review. Not happy about what the pain on my right side could have been.
I had a terrible fight with J last night about adoption and ttc. He just thinks that if we go toward adoption, we are giving up. I told him that I just wish he would stop calling me a quitter bc I am tired, scared, and just overwhelmed with all of the meds, medical scares and pains, etc. The truth of the matter is that there is no guarantee that we would have the chance to adopt but I do want to be open to whatever blessing God wants to send to us. I think that by doing that, it is an extension of us being open to life.
We got over the argument and made up, but I think sometimes we are just so loving that we don’t push each other too far. I don’t want him to be open to adoption only to please me although I know his heart could change, it might not and that would not make for a happy family.
A few days ago I was talking to a foreign priest and he asked me many questions about my life, work, etc. He asked the inevitable question “Do you and your husband have any children?” I went to say “No” meaning none here that we can see and I said “we were blessed with two who are in Heaven.” He looked at me funny and asked what I meant. I told him that we were given two babies that died before they were born. It was so hard to say, but necessary for me. He then told me so simply “Well, children are a gift from God so if he decides to take them back He can.” He probably meant for that to be consoling, but it just put it so simply for me to understand why I am so angry.
God did give us a precious gift, twice. Then He took them back. What kind of loving Father does that? If God is all powerful, why did he let our first baby slip away from us quietly and then let our other baby to get placed in a place it would not have the chance to survive. I am beginning to think that God did not want this to happen, but it did. My diseased body made it happened. I don’t have any assurance that it won’t do it again. This is real faith here. I just can’t imagine God asking anymore of me, but I know that He will.
This morning I begged Him to move mountains.
This is a terrible time of year for people who yearn to be parents to living, breathing, thriving children. Halloween, Thanksgiving with tons of family with their happy family, and then Christmas. I have managed to avoid every Christmas display and I get angry looking at them when I am out because it just reminds me of all the dreams I had of having my baby during the Christmas season.
I am just sad right now. I don’t really know where I will find the strength to move on, but I will somehow.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Down
I am just down today, it is P+17 (I think) and I have been having all kinds of pain on both right and left sides. The left side is usually present when a new cycle is close. This never happened before the ectopic pregnancy, but is very present now. I don't know if there are some adhesions, or just the cost of having to be reminded of what my body failed to do to keep Nicky safe.
The bbt dropped alot today and I am convinced that I was never pregnant and that the higher than normal progesterone and hcg gave me the symptoms of pseudo-pregnancy. I am really just feeling so overwhelmed. I an not so much crushed about the no pregnancy right now because that could me we can find out some more answers about the health of my right tube, etc. I am just so worried about pain and wondering if a pregnancy test would have picked up on another ectopic one. That has been my real struggle. I really want to just stop putting so much pressure on my body, my spirit.
It seems so easy to try to get pregnant, nearly everyone can do it.
I just want to stay home and hide away in bed today. I did call to do a blood test to rule out any other things that may be overlooked right now, but I just know it will tell me what the plastic dream crasher told me twice. If it comes up with any other answer, that just leads to more concerns as my temps are dropping and the signs are going away.
Sidenote: I have been wondering if the pain on the right could have been the appendix. It improves with tylenol. I took one saturday night and one last night.
So that is probably not it. As soon as AF arrives I can call my local doctor and schedule the hsg and I will talk with her about all of the pain. I am thinking that I will be happy to wait until 2010 to try again. I think I need a break. I am at the breaking point right now.
The bbt dropped alot today and I am convinced that I was never pregnant and that the higher than normal progesterone and hcg gave me the symptoms of pseudo-pregnancy. I am really just feeling so overwhelmed. I an not so much crushed about the no pregnancy right now because that could me we can find out some more answers about the health of my right tube, etc. I am just so worried about pain and wondering if a pregnancy test would have picked up on another ectopic one. That has been my real struggle. I really want to just stop putting so much pressure on my body, my spirit.
It seems so easy to try to get pregnant, nearly everyone can do it.
I just want to stay home and hide away in bed today. I did call to do a blood test to rule out any other things that may be overlooked right now, but I just know it will tell me what the plastic dream crasher told me twice. If it comes up with any other answer, that just leads to more concerns as my temps are dropping and the signs are going away.
Sidenote: I have been wondering if the pain on the right could have been the appendix. It improves with tylenol. I took one saturday night and one last night.
So that is probably not it. As soon as AF arrives I can call my local doctor and schedule the hsg and I will talk with her about all of the pain. I am thinking that I will be happy to wait until 2010 to try again. I think I need a break. I am at the breaking point right now.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
P+16
I am at p+16 and not even sure what is going on with my body right now. I did a hpt and it was -. I do not feel real crampy like a new cycle is on its way and my bbt is dropping a bit. I am wondering if bc I had such high progesterone this cycle if it would take longer to decrease so that a new cycle could start? Did I completely miss my p day this time and do all of the hcg, bloodwork, etc too soon? I don't think so bc the hormones were definitely post ovulatory. I went to bed at 8pm last night and had to wake up at 9pm to take my t3. I slept until 6:30 am. I did this the other day too. I do think that the prog. is dropping bc the bbs are not as sore and my bbt is decreasing (this morning 98.6). I guess if there is no sign of cd 1 tomorrow I will call for a blood test.
Unfortunately, I have let my heart dream this cycle and I told my husband last night that one day I will be able to decorate a nursery for our baby. My heart is still hopeful and tender.
Unfortunately, I have let my heart dream this cycle and I told my husband last night that one day I will be able to decorate a nursery for our baby. My heart is still hopeful and tender.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
LIM Blog Anniversary!
I have been looking foward to this post, celebrating the 1st anniversary of my blog.
I remeber when I started blogging one year ago, I was recovering from my laparatomy and was looking online for some hopeful support and came across AYWH's blog and then I found all of the others through different blog rolls and I was hooked. I was just so amazed at finding women who was trying to live out their vocation as faithful wives and with the same desire I had of trying to grow our family. It was so encouraging to be reminded that in the darkest moments that God is present and working. Even in the darkness, work is being done.
Little did I know that when I began blogging it would bring me to a deeper faith in God's goodness and learn so many things about the saints and church teachings. I learned so much about maintaining good health and optimizing fertility. By blogging and being connected to others who share my journey, I have been blessed in so many ways, espeically because of the continued encouragement and never-ending prayers. I am forever grateful. I pray for all of my fellow bloggers nightly and pray that God miraculously fills all of our waiting wombs!
Over the course of the last year, I have had some of the most amazing moments and some of the saddest and scariest times. It has been one eventful year.
I will never forget the time of posting begging for advice about the hcg shots. I fondly remember blogging about my miracle pregnancy in April! After eight years of dealing with IF and terrible hormones and one very early m/c . . . I was pregnant. What joy I experienced. I remember that first mother's day and I felt like an imposter and still wanted to hide at home. I remember getting a white ribbon at mass and I still carry that ribbon with me daily as a reminder of our sweet Nicky's little life.
I am now back to the rollercoaster of checking hormones and popping pills, but my life has been changed becasue of this blog. I no longer feel alone in a cold, fertile world. I know that my emotions are normal and I tend to handle myself with more tenderness. I know my limits. I know when to not put myself in situations where I will most likely have a tremendous meltdown. Although yesterday at mass, the mere mention of preparing for All Souls Day brought tears out.
I hope that there are many joyful posts in the next year, I surely know there will be ones filled with venting!
One last, but very important thing that I have learned over the last year is that adoption is not easy. It is a calling, a miracle. A calling for not only the adoptive parents but for the parents of that child who are choosing to place their child into the waiting arms of someone else. I have learned that parenting is hard and that not being able to parent when you think you are ready to do so is equally hard.
In the naming of my blog, I remember struggling to come up with a name and I felt like we had been through many mazes in our journey to bring new life in to our family and I was hoping we were finding our way to the end of that maze. I am still hopeful, thankful, and will continue to try to have joy in my heart that is steadfast. I look foward to what the next year will hold!
Christ, continue to be my strength and my hope! Amen.
I remeber when I started blogging one year ago, I was recovering from my laparatomy and was looking online for some hopeful support and came across AYWH's blog and then I found all of the others through different blog rolls and I was hooked. I was just so amazed at finding women who was trying to live out their vocation as faithful wives and with the same desire I had of trying to grow our family. It was so encouraging to be reminded that in the darkest moments that God is present and working. Even in the darkness, work is being done.
Little did I know that when I began blogging it would bring me to a deeper faith in God's goodness and learn so many things about the saints and church teachings. I learned so much about maintaining good health and optimizing fertility. By blogging and being connected to others who share my journey, I have been blessed in so many ways, espeically because of the continued encouragement and never-ending prayers. I am forever grateful. I pray for all of my fellow bloggers nightly and pray that God miraculously fills all of our waiting wombs!
Over the course of the last year, I have had some of the most amazing moments and some of the saddest and scariest times. It has been one eventful year.
I will never forget the time of posting begging for advice about the hcg shots. I fondly remember blogging about my miracle pregnancy in April! After eight years of dealing with IF and terrible hormones and one very early m/c . . . I was pregnant. What joy I experienced. I remember that first mother's day and I felt like an imposter and still wanted to hide at home. I remember getting a white ribbon at mass and I still carry that ribbon with me daily as a reminder of our sweet Nicky's little life.
I am now back to the rollercoaster of checking hormones and popping pills, but my life has been changed becasue of this blog. I no longer feel alone in a cold, fertile world. I know that my emotions are normal and I tend to handle myself with more tenderness. I know my limits. I know when to not put myself in situations where I will most likely have a tremendous meltdown. Although yesterday at mass, the mere mention of preparing for All Souls Day brought tears out.
I hope that there are many joyful posts in the next year, I surely know there will be ones filled with venting!
One last, but very important thing that I have learned over the last year is that adoption is not easy. It is a calling, a miracle. A calling for not only the adoptive parents but for the parents of that child who are choosing to place their child into the waiting arms of someone else. I have learned that parenting is hard and that not being able to parent when you think you are ready to do so is equally hard.
In the naming of my blog, I remember struggling to come up with a name and I felt like we had been through many mazes in our journey to bring new life in to our family and I was hoping we were finding our way to the end of that maze. I am still hopeful, thankful, and will continue to try to have joy in my heart that is steadfast. I look foward to what the next year will hold!
Christ, continue to be my strength and my hope! Amen.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Good Sleep :)
I was finally able to get some good sleep last night! I actually feel rested. I went to bed at 8:30 pm and woke up at 8:45 am. Of course I went to the bathroom alot, so at 6:50 I did my bbt waking temp which is the usual time I get up and it was 99.05. The pain on my right side has eased up. I don't want to jinx myself, but I am hoping it was something totally not related to fertility or something completely normal. Like a corpus luteum cyst that reduces normally during a pregnancy. I am not saying I am pregnant, although I would love to have a + right about now.
Speaking of corpus luteum cyst or ovarian cyst, how painful should it be? My pain was mild off and on for about 20 hrs. It wasn't much of a problem last night or so far today. Any insight will be helpful, but I do not need to be scared. I am constantly telling myself that "Fear is not of GOD!" and "Perfect love casts out fear!"
I did share every single worry I had with my husband and it made me feel better for him to know what kind of craziness I am experiencing.
My greatest fear is that if I am ever blessed with another pregnancy, I will experience another ectopic one. I can only take it one day at a time. Given that outcome, we will be able to pursue adoption whole-heartedly and not question how it is that God wants us to grow our families. Adoption is never a second choice, my husband just wanted to exhaust all other possibilities before travelling that way. I, on the other hand, want all the babies God is willing to share with us so this has been a hard road to travel.
It is so hard to trust God when the vision seems so unclear. Blinded, though, I will follow Him, and trust Him to bring me where His blessings will flow.
Speaking of corpus luteum cyst or ovarian cyst, how painful should it be? My pain was mild off and on for about 20 hrs. It wasn't much of a problem last night or so far today. Any insight will be helpful, but I do not need to be scared. I am constantly telling myself that "Fear is not of GOD!" and "Perfect love casts out fear!"
I did share every single worry I had with my husband and it made me feel better for him to know what kind of craziness I am experiencing.
My greatest fear is that if I am ever blessed with another pregnancy, I will experience another ectopic one. I can only take it one day at a time. Given that outcome, we will be able to pursue adoption whole-heartedly and not question how it is that God wants us to grow our families. Adoption is never a second choice, my husband just wanted to exhaust all other possibilities before travelling that way. I, on the other hand, want all the babies God is willing to share with us so this has been a hard road to travel.
It is so hard to trust God when the vision seems so unclear. Blinded, though, I will follow Him, and trust Him to bring me where His blessings will flow.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Praying
I have tossed and turned most of the night last night. I kept having mild pain on my right side. It has made me a total basketcase and I even alarmed my dear husband about it this morning. I am so wimpy and I don't even know if I could be pregnant, but I just blow all of my sypmtoms out of proportion. Who knows, maybe I don't. I did just goo.gle some information about having pain on the right side and they said it could be corpus lutem pain. Since my hormones are so high this month, maybe this is a feeling that I am just not used to being aware of at this stage in the cycle.
I am p+12 today and I just wondered to my husband if I could quite possible feel a fertilized egg traveling through my tube? I envy women who can find themselves pregnant and never felt a thing. Not really, I think I am making mountains out of molehills over here.
I am stil begging God to perform miracles over here. There is a 50/50 chance I am not pregnant and will start my period. I have not been crying or crampy or feeling all the typical signs of my progesterone dropping.
I don't really know what to think, but I do know that I have been letting myself dream and it has been wonderful.
I just took a break from writing this post and came back to it and the pain has gone away. It comes and goes and to be honest and fair, if it were an ectopic pregnancy the baby would be so small I probably would not feel pain from that just yet.
I am praying my little heart out!
God continue to be in charge and help me to trust you in all circumstances! Amen
I am p+12 today and I just wondered to my husband if I could quite possible feel a fertilized egg traveling through my tube? I envy women who can find themselves pregnant and never felt a thing. Not really, I think I am making mountains out of molehills over here.
I am stil begging God to perform miracles over here. There is a 50/50 chance I am not pregnant and will start my period. I have not been crying or crampy or feeling all the typical signs of my progesterone dropping.
I don't really know what to think, but I do know that I have been letting myself dream and it has been wonderful.
I just took a break from writing this post and came back to it and the pain has gone away. It comes and goes and to be honest and fair, if it were an ectopic pregnancy the baby would be so small I probably would not feel pain from that just yet.
I am praying my little heart out!
God continue to be in charge and help me to trust you in all circumstances! Amen
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Blow me away results!
I just got a call back from a nurse with my p+7 results!
No wonder my bbs were hurting so bad!
My progesterone is 45!!! 45 is amazing for me, especially coming from .68 for my first blood draw ever!
My estradoil was 26.7! Once again, a tremendous number for me!
I don't know if this office does the results different for the estradoil because they just tell me that the doctor likes to have it at 12+ and for progesterone to 13+!
I feel like I just won the lottery! I can't help but get my hopes up! By the way, I went to the bathroom almost every two hours last night and did my last hcg injection this morning (p+10). Once again the reason I did it on 10 instead of nine is becasue my last one was done on 8 instead of 7 due to having to do the blood draw on p+8 since p+7 fell on a sunday, so I guess I should call these my p+8 results!
Please God, work miracles here!
No wonder my bbs were hurting so bad!
My progesterone is 45!!! 45 is amazing for me, especially coming from .68 for my first blood draw ever!
My estradoil was 26.7! Once again, a tremendous number for me!
I don't know if this office does the results different for the estradoil because they just tell me that the doctor likes to have it at 12+ and for progesterone to 13+!
I feel like I just won the lottery! I can't help but get my hopes up! By the way, I went to the bathroom almost every two hours last night and did my last hcg injection this morning (p+10). Once again the reason I did it on 10 instead of nine is becasue my last one was done on 8 instead of 7 due to having to do the blood draw on p+8 since p+7 fell on a sunday, so I guess I should call these my p+8 results!
Please God, work miracles here!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
P+9
Well, not much has been happening in my world lately. That is if you don't count all the times I daydream that I could miraculously find myself pregnant with a baby in my womb, all nice and snug.
P+7 fell on a sunday, so I did the draw on Monday at 7 am. Then I went to work and sneaked away to the bathroom to give myself the hcg injection that was for p+7 just a few hours (8) late. I did not want to skip a dose and have my hormones drop so fast that there was no turning back. In hingsight, I don't know if this was good judgement, but it is what I did. Usually J draws the meds for me, so I only got a little bit of it anyway bc it was that last of the bottle. I will have to start a new bottle for the p+9 (which I will do on p+10 so the timing is near the time I did it on p=8)injection. I told J that I hated to start a new bottle! Craziness I tell you.
I have really been sore in all the right places and running to the bathroom at all hours of the night, but I think that the hcg meds make this happen regardless of if there is a little baby trying to get settled in my womb.
I have been doing a novena to Saint Gianna lately. I just felt really called to do so and started on Saturday. I was going to do one to St. Theresa of Avila with Mrs. Blondie, but when I printed out the information it cut off alot of it and it was too late when I realized this. So I think this worked out in me being called to reflect on the spirituality of St. Gianna and praying for her intercession.
In reflecting on the difficult choices she had to make in her life and the suffering she endured during her last pregnancy, I am just in awe of her strength and courage. She was very much a part of my prayers when I was pregnant with Nicky and I remember putting the blessed medal from the Shrine on my left side, where I would have pain. In hindsight, all the signs were there that I was having an ectopic pregnancy on my left side, but I had no idea that I instintively knew where my sweet baby was growing.
I have been working on trying to be less afraid and I really have been trying to discern in getting some good spiritual counseling will be helpful for me.
I had a great weekend and got to visit my two best friends. One who is happily single and the other who is happily married with three lovely kids, one of which is our godson. The other day, this little man met his local bishop (he is only 15 months!) and the bishop was smitten with him and he with the bishop! The bishop just kept telling him that he, too, could one day be a bishop and have a staff. This greatly humbled his mom and she called me to tell me about it.
Anyway, I had so much fun loving on these little ones! We had a great time visiting. I managed to get some pumpkins and fall flowers to decorate our porch and it looks festive. I find myself wanting to enjoy each season. I am just not ready to look forward to Christmas yet. God will give me the grace I need.
I was able to do some baking and cooking this weekend. I felt like such a homemaker, which is my dream. I was worn out though :) I even cleaned and organized my kitchen cabinets. I hope there are even more good things to come!
I decided to go back and read my posts before I found I was pregnant in April. Hoping that some of my feelings are the same . .. does this sound like something Sew would say? Sew, you make me feel normal!
P+7 fell on a sunday, so I did the draw on Monday at 7 am. Then I went to work and sneaked away to the bathroom to give myself the hcg injection that was for p+7 just a few hours (8) late. I did not want to skip a dose and have my hormones drop so fast that there was no turning back. In hingsight, I don't know if this was good judgement, but it is what I did. Usually J draws the meds for me, so I only got a little bit of it anyway bc it was that last of the bottle. I will have to start a new bottle for the p+9 (which I will do on p+10 so the timing is near the time I did it on p=8)injection. I told J that I hated to start a new bottle! Craziness I tell you.
I have really been sore in all the right places and running to the bathroom at all hours of the night, but I think that the hcg meds make this happen regardless of if there is a little baby trying to get settled in my womb.
I have been doing a novena to Saint Gianna lately. I just felt really called to do so and started on Saturday. I was going to do one to St. Theresa of Avila with Mrs. Blondie, but when I printed out the information it cut off alot of it and it was too late when I realized this. So I think this worked out in me being called to reflect on the spirituality of St. Gianna and praying for her intercession.
In reflecting on the difficult choices she had to make in her life and the suffering she endured during her last pregnancy, I am just in awe of her strength and courage. She was very much a part of my prayers when I was pregnant with Nicky and I remember putting the blessed medal from the Shrine on my left side, where I would have pain. In hindsight, all the signs were there that I was having an ectopic pregnancy on my left side, but I had no idea that I instintively knew where my sweet baby was growing.
I have been working on trying to be less afraid and I really have been trying to discern in getting some good spiritual counseling will be helpful for me.
I had a great weekend and got to visit my two best friends. One who is happily single and the other who is happily married with three lovely kids, one of which is our godson. The other day, this little man met his local bishop (he is only 15 months!) and the bishop was smitten with him and he with the bishop! The bishop just kept telling him that he, too, could one day be a bishop and have a staff. This greatly humbled his mom and she called me to tell me about it.
Anyway, I had so much fun loving on these little ones! We had a great time visiting. I managed to get some pumpkins and fall flowers to decorate our porch and it looks festive. I find myself wanting to enjoy each season. I am just not ready to look forward to Christmas yet. God will give me the grace I need.
I was able to do some baking and cooking this weekend. I felt like such a homemaker, which is my dream. I was worn out though :) I even cleaned and organized my kitchen cabinets. I hope there are even more good things to come!
I decided to go back and read my posts before I found I was pregnant in April. Hoping that some of my feelings are the same . .. does this sound like something Sew would say? Sew, you make me feel normal!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Sunshine
As a pick me up, I looked back over some pics from this weekend and wanted to share some sunshine!
This is the little one that kept us busy this weekend! He just melts your heart!
This is the little one that kept us busy this weekend! He just melts your heart!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
More thoughts . . .struggles
There is still so much on my little mind.
I have been so exhausted. I work about eight hours a day, but it is not very physically demanding. In fact, there are days that I am just trying to find work to do. I seem to be more energized when there is a lot of motion and activity at work. Yet, at the end of the day, I come home exhausted. I am waking up exhausted. Last night my back hurt and it has been hurting for the past few days. It is in a weird place. I am feeling so bloated and had to take a gas pill last night because I just felt so swollen and bloated with gas. I don’t usually post about this, but it is new to me and it is wearing me out. It was hard to get comfortable to sleep and when I finally did get to sleep it was almost time to get up. Let’s not forget the constant running back and forth to the bathroom.
I just feel so clueless about where I am in my cycle. I am on cd18 and I really think that my P was on Sunday, cd15. I don’t know if I ever ovulated this early but my gut just tells me that was the day. That was the only day I saw 10kl. I had about 5 white baby stickers before this so this could be normal since it seems like the clomid really limits my cm even with cm enhancers and drinking lots of water. There has been quite a bit of stress this cycle so I just feel lost. I am tracking and charting, but I did have to put another white baby stamp yesterday and so I am just wanting to go with my gut on my P day.
All of this confusion leads me to wonder when to use the hcg meds. If there is no peak time signs today, I am going to go with the idea that my peak day was Sunday and that would lead me to start the hcg meds tonight. I messed up before when having a double peak and the nurse said that if was ok that I did the hcg early. It had no real negative effects. Is this true?
Switching gears here.
Yesterday, I ran across the card for the adoption attorney that was given to us days after my release from the hospital in May. I never got any response from them. It was like the paralegal never gave the attorney my message. I immediately, go the idea to call on one that we had recently heard of as being very helpful. I just wanted to call and see if that door would shut on me too, or if that was the door we needed to try. The urge was intense. It just stirred my soul on a deep level. I just got so down on myself when this happened because I am just wondering if I am really giving it my all at ttc a new baby? I know that physically I am, but does my faith really believe that it is possible? I really think that it is possible, because I have known God to do awesome things. I just go back and forth so much and I don’t know where God is in all of this.
The bottom line is that I want to be a mother and I am finding little consolation in knowing that my two babies are in the presence of God and not where I can care for them on a daily basis. I think that I really need to just get over this . . . can I be at peace not having the opportunity to raise children? I really don’t think so, at least not right now. I will always feel like something is missing and what does this say about my faith?
While I am sitting here exposing my deepest feelings, I have to admit that I am terrified of pregnancy. I have had two terrible experiences with it and I am afraid. For the past several months, I have been trying to be brave in casting off the cloak of fear, but it is back with a vengeance. I know that staring fear in the face is how so many miracles happen, so this is what I am doing. Fully throwing myself out there and trusting that whatever the outcome, God will redeem it all and make it beautiful. I need to ask for St. Gianna’s intercession in being of strong courage.
Dearest Abba,
I beg you to grow our family in the way that you desire and do not allow our human feelings to thwart your beautiful plan for us. Amen.
I have been so exhausted. I work about eight hours a day, but it is not very physically demanding. In fact, there are days that I am just trying to find work to do. I seem to be more energized when there is a lot of motion and activity at work. Yet, at the end of the day, I come home exhausted. I am waking up exhausted. Last night my back hurt and it has been hurting for the past few days. It is in a weird place. I am feeling so bloated and had to take a gas pill last night because I just felt so swollen and bloated with gas. I don’t usually post about this, but it is new to me and it is wearing me out. It was hard to get comfortable to sleep and when I finally did get to sleep it was almost time to get up. Let’s not forget the constant running back and forth to the bathroom.
I just feel so clueless about where I am in my cycle. I am on cd18 and I really think that my P was on Sunday, cd15. I don’t know if I ever ovulated this early but my gut just tells me that was the day. That was the only day I saw 10kl. I had about 5 white baby stickers before this so this could be normal since it seems like the clomid really limits my cm even with cm enhancers and drinking lots of water. There has been quite a bit of stress this cycle so I just feel lost. I am tracking and charting, but I did have to put another white baby stamp yesterday and so I am just wanting to go with my gut on my P day.
All of this confusion leads me to wonder when to use the hcg meds. If there is no peak time signs today, I am going to go with the idea that my peak day was Sunday and that would lead me to start the hcg meds tonight. I messed up before when having a double peak and the nurse said that if was ok that I did the hcg early. It had no real negative effects. Is this true?
Switching gears here.
Yesterday, I ran across the card for the adoption attorney that was given to us days after my release from the hospital in May. I never got any response from them. It was like the paralegal never gave the attorney my message. I immediately, go the idea to call on one that we had recently heard of as being very helpful. I just wanted to call and see if that door would shut on me too, or if that was the door we needed to try. The urge was intense. It just stirred my soul on a deep level. I just got so down on myself when this happened because I am just wondering if I am really giving it my all at ttc a new baby? I know that physically I am, but does my faith really believe that it is possible? I really think that it is possible, because I have known God to do awesome things. I just go back and forth so much and I don’t know where God is in all of this.
The bottom line is that I want to be a mother and I am finding little consolation in knowing that my two babies are in the presence of God and not where I can care for them on a daily basis. I think that I really need to just get over this . . . can I be at peace not having the opportunity to raise children? I really don’t think so, at least not right now. I will always feel like something is missing and what does this say about my faith?
While I am sitting here exposing my deepest feelings, I have to admit that I am terrified of pregnancy. I have had two terrible experiences with it and I am afraid. For the past several months, I have been trying to be brave in casting off the cloak of fear, but it is back with a vengeance. I know that staring fear in the face is how so many miracles happen, so this is what I am doing. Fully throwing myself out there and trusting that whatever the outcome, God will redeem it all and make it beautiful. I need to ask for St. Gianna’s intercession in being of strong courage.
Dearest Abba,
I beg you to grow our family in the way that you desire and do not allow our human feelings to thwart your beautiful plan for us. Amen.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Ramblings and Thoughts
There is so much going on in my tired little mind. I am wanting to raise the white flag!
I did have a Spiritual Direction appointment yesterday and I just wondered, out loud, why I hold grudges, get so angry at parents who do not treasure their children and provide the best care they can for them, why do I find the mere mention of some people’s name to set me off.
I truly get tired of people telling me that if this is the family that child is born into and neglect is present, that all of these circumstances will just make this child a stronger adult. In my mind, yes, this this child could grow to be a strong child, but there is also the distinct possibility that this child will keep falling through the cracks and grow up without direction and knowing the true meaning of unconditional love.
I was encouraged to seek counseling yesterday to deal with my anger and grief of having to surrender healthy fertility to God and surrender two children to him that we desired to hold, love, and know. I find that I get so bitter about the fact that I have to try so hard to make myself healthy, when others are given healthy bodies. Why do I have to jump through hoops to figure out which path to take to grow our family and who is to say that the path we choose is the one God has chosen for us.
I was going to be seeing a friend of mine from college who I have not seen since I got married and I was getting myself ready to be bombarded about questions of whether we have any children. For the first time ever I found myself not sorrowful that we have two perfect babies in heaven, but that we are blessed to have them there. That moment of grace has lasted and I find that I am thankful for those two sweet babies that I had the opportunity to help bring into being with my dear husband and my Creator God. I still stand amazed that I have been able to be blessed with the gift of life in my womb twice. My husband wants me to stop referring to myself as IF . . . he is right, but it is hard when you still find your arms empty and your house quiet. I know that just having life there for the moment they were there is a blessing. I know that the mere fact that they were brought into being is gift.
We have been trying this cycle and it has been a tremendous act of faith for me. I do not know if my body will allow a baby to live inside of me so that they can grow big enough to live outside of me. I know the consequences and have chosen to surrender myself to the will of God. Until I am no longer able to try, I will. I will allow myself to be at God’s disposal.
In regard to the counseling, I am extremely nervous about it. Not because I think it will be a waste of time, but I am tired of making myself so vulnerable. My husband is not on board with this and if he is, he is not willing to seek any intervention for himself. I do feel kind of pressured here. I know my limits, but it seems that others won’t accept my limits. People want me to be hopeful forever. Hope is not a bad thing, but there are times when God can lead you down a new path.
I have been realizing that if I do find myself with another ectopic pregnancy, I will lose my right tube and my fertility. I do realize that the only way for me to be a mother nurturing children on earth will be through adoption if my fertility is completely gone. At the same time, I am reminded that many women who have lost a tube due to a ectopic pregnancy have gone on to have many healthy children. I guess I am just trying to see what I have to lose and what I have to gain. That is why I am putting myself out there. I have so much to gain. There is a lot to lose, but it is necessary to try for the simple gift of hoping that no more loss will be coming our way.
Speaking of adoption, I have been asking God to prepare my heart for adoption if that is what he is calling our family to do. I have also been praying for my dear husband to be open, but I believe he thinks that he is open to that, he is giving up hope for us to be able to have a healthy pregnancy. So, anyway, God has been revealing so much to me. Yesterday as I was driving home, I just had the most amazing revelation about open adoption. Radically open adoption. It has also brought me a little anxiety to think about, but I was just blown away at the grace God bestowed on me in allowing me to have this revelation.
Having a baby when you are not planning to have one and finding yourself feeling trapped and unable to provide the kind of home you desire for your baby must be such a terrible feeling. When you find yourself blaming yourself for putting yourself in the situation of having an unplanned pregnancy or traumatized for some reason as to how the baby was brought into being is something that I cannot imagine having to deal with, especially if you are dealing with so many other crisis situations in your life. I was given the grace to see that when an adoptive couple willing accepts that child and that child’s birthmother to be gifts to them, they can change the world. What an honor to be called to a safe haven to someone in this situation and the child they are carrying or have carried. I just got a sense of restoration in seeing how an open-adoption is a blessing to the birthparents and their families. You, as an adoptive parent can be a part of the healing process that comes with the grief of a mother who places her child for adoption. That mother who places her child for adoption is still a mother. She will grieve that she is not parenting that child, but she is willing to live with this grief (although for some, it may seem like relief) because she loves her child tremendously. She loves that child enough to say that I will value enough to give you to allow God to choose who will parent you here on earth. What a tremendous gift, when the adoptive couple is allowed to let that woman see that the little one is well, cared-for, and thriving! She doesn’t have to wonder . . .which could quite possible add to her wanting to bury herself in grief.
As I write this, I wonder if this is being glorified and it is simply not that easy. I know that some women who place their children for adoption may not desire to know or subject themselves to painful situations and a closed adoption seems to be the best thing for them. I did get what I asked for when I asked God to open my heart and help me to dispel fears about open adoption though. Even the other day, I found myself wondering what it would feel like to have grown up with brown skin, tan skin, or even black skin. {This is noted because I have only experienced life as a white person and wonder just what it would feel to be judged only on the basis of my skin color}. I genuinely wanted to know. What brought that on was that I met some beautiful brown-skinned women with hearts of gold, no suprise. I have also found myself drawn to people who do not share my race and most of the time, through work relationships, they have become my closest friends. I wondered if I am ever given the opportunity to parent a child who does not share my race, how will that go for the child. I can handle the stares and the comments, but how will my child handle that. We live in a very single race community. There are only about 10 people of other races at our church and the schools are nearly all one race. I did not grow up this way, I grew up very poor and lived in neighborhoods that were filled with all races and in my classroom, I was one of three white kids. So race doesn’t bother me. It does bother others in our extended family, only one side though. I really feel stuck in being open and being told to be closed. Maybe this is one way I can benefit from counseling.
I do have someone in mind and I don’t think that it will take a long while to work through some of my feelings, but I am scared. I would need it to be completely confidential. I am tired of feeling shame for not being able to carry children to a live birth. I am tired of holding grudges or getting angry at parents who I think don’t care for their children well. I don’t get angry at all parents and I can be around my friends who have little ones and love to be in their company because I feel that they are living that vocation well, but who am I to judge.
I don’t feel depressed, I think that I feel afraid of what the future holds. I get angry about what I have had to give up. I think that what I feel is justified anger and frustration about my own situation, but I don’t need to channel that in a way that is judging, unkind, or rude. God did not give me this cross to let me tear down his kingdom, but to help build his kingdom in only the way that I can.
I did have a Spiritual Direction appointment yesterday and I just wondered, out loud, why I hold grudges, get so angry at parents who do not treasure their children and provide the best care they can for them, why do I find the mere mention of some people’s name to set me off.
I truly get tired of people telling me that if this is the family that child is born into and neglect is present, that all of these circumstances will just make this child a stronger adult. In my mind, yes, this this child could grow to be a strong child, but there is also the distinct possibility that this child will keep falling through the cracks and grow up without direction and knowing the true meaning of unconditional love.
I was encouraged to seek counseling yesterday to deal with my anger and grief of having to surrender healthy fertility to God and surrender two children to him that we desired to hold, love, and know. I find that I get so bitter about the fact that I have to try so hard to make myself healthy, when others are given healthy bodies. Why do I have to jump through hoops to figure out which path to take to grow our family and who is to say that the path we choose is the one God has chosen for us.
I was going to be seeing a friend of mine from college who I have not seen since I got married and I was getting myself ready to be bombarded about questions of whether we have any children. For the first time ever I found myself not sorrowful that we have two perfect babies in heaven, but that we are blessed to have them there. That moment of grace has lasted and I find that I am thankful for those two sweet babies that I had the opportunity to help bring into being with my dear husband and my Creator God. I still stand amazed that I have been able to be blessed with the gift of life in my womb twice. My husband wants me to stop referring to myself as IF . . . he is right, but it is hard when you still find your arms empty and your house quiet. I know that just having life there for the moment they were there is a blessing. I know that the mere fact that they were brought into being is gift.
We have been trying this cycle and it has been a tremendous act of faith for me. I do not know if my body will allow a baby to live inside of me so that they can grow big enough to live outside of me. I know the consequences and have chosen to surrender myself to the will of God. Until I am no longer able to try, I will. I will allow myself to be at God’s disposal.
In regard to the counseling, I am extremely nervous about it. Not because I think it will be a waste of time, but I am tired of making myself so vulnerable. My husband is not on board with this and if he is, he is not willing to seek any intervention for himself. I do feel kind of pressured here. I know my limits, but it seems that others won’t accept my limits. People want me to be hopeful forever. Hope is not a bad thing, but there are times when God can lead you down a new path.
I have been realizing that if I do find myself with another ectopic pregnancy, I will lose my right tube and my fertility. I do realize that the only way for me to be a mother nurturing children on earth will be through adoption if my fertility is completely gone. At the same time, I am reminded that many women who have lost a tube due to a ectopic pregnancy have gone on to have many healthy children. I guess I am just trying to see what I have to lose and what I have to gain. That is why I am putting myself out there. I have so much to gain. There is a lot to lose, but it is necessary to try for the simple gift of hoping that no more loss will be coming our way.
Speaking of adoption, I have been asking God to prepare my heart for adoption if that is what he is calling our family to do. I have also been praying for my dear husband to be open, but I believe he thinks that he is open to that, he is giving up hope for us to be able to have a healthy pregnancy. So, anyway, God has been revealing so much to me. Yesterday as I was driving home, I just had the most amazing revelation about open adoption. Radically open adoption. It has also brought me a little anxiety to think about, but I was just blown away at the grace God bestowed on me in allowing me to have this revelation.
Having a baby when you are not planning to have one and finding yourself feeling trapped and unable to provide the kind of home you desire for your baby must be such a terrible feeling. When you find yourself blaming yourself for putting yourself in the situation of having an unplanned pregnancy or traumatized for some reason as to how the baby was brought into being is something that I cannot imagine having to deal with, especially if you are dealing with so many other crisis situations in your life. I was given the grace to see that when an adoptive couple willing accepts that child and that child’s birthmother to be gifts to them, they can change the world. What an honor to be called to a safe haven to someone in this situation and the child they are carrying or have carried. I just got a sense of restoration in seeing how an open-adoption is a blessing to the birthparents and their families. You, as an adoptive parent can be a part of the healing process that comes with the grief of a mother who places her child for adoption. That mother who places her child for adoption is still a mother. She will grieve that she is not parenting that child, but she is willing to live with this grief (although for some, it may seem like relief) because she loves her child tremendously. She loves that child enough to say that I will value enough to give you to allow God to choose who will parent you here on earth. What a tremendous gift, when the adoptive couple is allowed to let that woman see that the little one is well, cared-for, and thriving! She doesn’t have to wonder . . .which could quite possible add to her wanting to bury herself in grief.
As I write this, I wonder if this is being glorified and it is simply not that easy. I know that some women who place their children for adoption may not desire to know or subject themselves to painful situations and a closed adoption seems to be the best thing for them. I did get what I asked for when I asked God to open my heart and help me to dispel fears about open adoption though. Even the other day, I found myself wondering what it would feel like to have grown up with brown skin, tan skin, or even black skin. {This is noted because I have only experienced life as a white person and wonder just what it would feel to be judged only on the basis of my skin color}. I genuinely wanted to know. What brought that on was that I met some beautiful brown-skinned women with hearts of gold, no suprise. I have also found myself drawn to people who do not share my race and most of the time, through work relationships, they have become my closest friends. I wondered if I am ever given the opportunity to parent a child who does not share my race, how will that go for the child. I can handle the stares and the comments, but how will my child handle that. We live in a very single race community. There are only about 10 people of other races at our church and the schools are nearly all one race. I did not grow up this way, I grew up very poor and lived in neighborhoods that were filled with all races and in my classroom, I was one of three white kids. So race doesn’t bother me. It does bother others in our extended family, only one side though. I really feel stuck in being open and being told to be closed. Maybe this is one way I can benefit from counseling.
I do have someone in mind and I don’t think that it will take a long while to work through some of my feelings, but I am scared. I would need it to be completely confidential. I am tired of feeling shame for not being able to carry children to a live birth. I am tired of holding grudges or getting angry at parents who I think don’t care for their children well. I don’t get angry at all parents and I can be around my friends who have little ones and love to be in their company because I feel that they are living that vocation well, but who am I to judge.
I don’t feel depressed, I think that I feel afraid of what the future holds. I get angry about what I have had to give up. I think that what I feel is justified anger and frustration about my own situation, but I don’t need to channel that in a way that is judging, unkind, or rude. God did not give me this cross to let me tear down his kingdom, but to help build his kingdom in only the way that I can.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
In over my head!
I was looking so foward to today. I had talked to my sil and asked her if we could take our godson to take some pictures for part of his birthday present. We did this because he has had no pictures taken and will be one shortly. He has a few pictures that I have taken with my camera, but they kept saying they wanted to do it, but did not have the money. We invited her and the baby's daddy for it too, but it made the morning very stressful for me. Not because of their presence, but for the way that act and talk. In passing the time as we waited for the photographer, she felt the need to tell me that her friend is finally having a boy. She and I had Christmas season due dates and this is her fourth child with the third father. So, of course, the SIL decides that it is still natural to tell me that now her friend can have her tubes tied bc they they finally got their boy after three girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Needless to say, the best thing I could possibly do was be silent bc the words that would have come out of my mouth were full of vile and fire. I wanted to tell her to give a message to her friend from me and this is what I would have said: "If you do not want to have another baby, don't have SEX! Practice restraint. A tube, two well funtioning tubes are PRICELESS!!!! Don't damage a perfectly good body part. Fertility is a gift when it used with sacredness."
I also had a huge fight with my husband this morning bc I just get so frustrated even having to listen to these people who refuse to learn new ways of respecting their bodies. Another absurd comment was made when she was looking at a picture of a young couple with a newborn on the wall of the portrait studio. She said they did not even look old enough to be married. I thought, and you were. Old enough is not just about an age, it is about a maturity.
So in letting go of this after we parted ways, we were plenty occupied in chasing after a very mobile 11 mo. old. We have been running nonstop all morning. Now I know what my friends who have little ones really mean when they say it is always busy motion!!!
We have had a great day overall and the pictures turned out fantastic! We got one with him sitting on a milk crate with hay all around and in front of a big red barn door and then one of him in the silver washtub with bubbles and duckie before he had enough.
Baylie is worn smooth out from all of his chasing, Daisy is an old pro and hid under the bed for a few hours. I felt like we were running a zoo! I wondered in my heart how mothers and fathers do it with twins, triplets, even quads! God's blessing must be overflowing!
Needless to say, the best thing I could possibly do was be silent bc the words that would have come out of my mouth were full of vile and fire. I wanted to tell her to give a message to her friend from me and this is what I would have said: "If you do not want to have another baby, don't have SEX! Practice restraint. A tube, two well funtioning tubes are PRICELESS!!!! Don't damage a perfectly good body part. Fertility is a gift when it used with sacredness."
I also had a huge fight with my husband this morning bc I just get so frustrated even having to listen to these people who refuse to learn new ways of respecting their bodies. Another absurd comment was made when she was looking at a picture of a young couple with a newborn on the wall of the portrait studio. She said they did not even look old enough to be married. I thought, and you were. Old enough is not just about an age, it is about a maturity.
So in letting go of this after we parted ways, we were plenty occupied in chasing after a very mobile 11 mo. old. We have been running nonstop all morning. Now I know what my friends who have little ones really mean when they say it is always busy motion!!!
We have had a great day overall and the pictures turned out fantastic! We got one with him sitting on a milk crate with hay all around and in front of a big red barn door and then one of him in the silver washtub with bubbles and duckie before he had enough.
Baylie is worn smooth out from all of his chasing, Daisy is an old pro and hid under the bed for a few hours. I felt like we were running a zoo! I wondered in my heart how mothers and fathers do it with twins, triplets, even quads! God's blessing must be overflowing!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
New Doctor
I was very nervous at the doctor's office today, the longer I waited on the couch the more nervous I became. It was all a waste of time to worry. I was blown away at the way she listened to me and had the same thoughts of what might be good for me as I shared with her my medical history. She did not think that we are in a huge amount of danger for another ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage so she was fine with supporting the idea of ttc this month. She does have lots of ideas to help with in regard to medication that is really sort of new to me, but from what I can tell it works and she has confidience in it.
Alot of the things we are going to stick with for this cycle since I am on cd 12. I tend to peak around cd 19 or 20, so we will continue with everything right now. She did acknowledge that the clomid does not give the endometrium the best optimal lining by itself and suggested that the next cycle we try to adding estradoil on certain days after the clomid to build up that lining. This is comforting. She gave me a chart to use and she wants me to start using ovulation predictor kits to monitor the LH surge. So the plan is we ttc this cycle and hope that a new life is brought into being. If that does not happen, when cd 1 shows up, I call her office to schedule a hsg to run dye through the right tube to make sure that it is clear and funtional. She is just as concerned for my well being, which was a huge comfort.
When I think about the scariness of being so close to death the day Nicky died, I am get very concerned that I might not be so blessed the next time that would happen. I do know that God will let me live if He wills and he will not take me home one breath too soon. Yet, it is hard to be willing to make yourself so vulnerable again. I was talking to a friend today about that and I told them that I want to live, I am not ready to die. So, in the event that a baby is not brought into being this cycle, we will try to do the hsg on cd 10 and do some estradoil to build up the lining next cycle. I have scripts for all of the meds she wants to use and she also prescribes the prometrium at the end of the cycle during the LP to support the woman's body in keeping her body healthy and a nurting place for a baby to grow. I do have a problem letting go of the hcg though. So I am going to see what this cycle holds and if there is another cycle review with PPVI, I will discuss these changes. She will not manage the t3 and she considered raising my glucophage xr 500 mg to 2 pills a day. This might work, because I am still having weight issues and this is related to PCOS.
I do feel that I have confidience in this woman as a doctor. Only time will tell, but I felt at peace talking with her. It has been years since I have seen a female obgyn, but I felt comfortable. Speaking of weight, I asked her if my current weight would be an issue in a pregnancy bc all of the other doctors I see tell me to lose weight and I know that being overweight is a big risk factor for preganncy, but she did not see that if would be a grave problem for me and agreed to work closely with me during my pregnancy when that happens. I do feel that I will be able to have another pregnancy. I don't say that to be self-centered, it just is my faith telling me that if these are the doors God is opening, maybe it is what is in my future. I don't know why, but I think that it could happen . . .. it is whether I will be able to carry my baby to birth that concerns me.
I am so peaceful right now, just knowing that I will be able to have someone to call when I do finally get a positive preganncy test and if I don't, I have someone to call for that too. I told her that one of my main goals is to have someone willing to see me in the very early stages of my pregnancy to make sure the baby is in the right place and growing well. Her response to that was amazing and not pacifying. She even told me that for her to get pregnant, she and her husband BD twice a day. I know that is not always the way, but it is worth a shot. Good thing we are excited to try again ;)
There is such a relief that I am feeling. On a mark of personal victory, there was candy everywhere in little bowls at her office and I did not take a single piece. I am trying to do better and eating lots of fruit and will try to start the rel.iv soon. I am also eating lots of veggies and drinking lots of water, can you tell I am hopeful???
I am nervous about my meeting at work tomorrow. The mood at the office has been pleasant, but I don't not want to look for a new job. I am praying a great deal.
Thanks for all of your prayers for this appt. I could feel those prayers calming my anxious heart.
Alot of the things we are going to stick with for this cycle since I am on cd 12. I tend to peak around cd 19 or 20, so we will continue with everything right now. She did acknowledge that the clomid does not give the endometrium the best optimal lining by itself and suggested that the next cycle we try to adding estradoil on certain days after the clomid to build up that lining. This is comforting. She gave me a chart to use and she wants me to start using ovulation predictor kits to monitor the LH surge. So the plan is we ttc this cycle and hope that a new life is brought into being. If that does not happen, when cd 1 shows up, I call her office to schedule a hsg to run dye through the right tube to make sure that it is clear and funtional. She is just as concerned for my well being, which was a huge comfort.
When I think about the scariness of being so close to death the day Nicky died, I am get very concerned that I might not be so blessed the next time that would happen. I do know that God will let me live if He wills and he will not take me home one breath too soon. Yet, it is hard to be willing to make yourself so vulnerable again. I was talking to a friend today about that and I told them that I want to live, I am not ready to die. So, in the event that a baby is not brought into being this cycle, we will try to do the hsg on cd 10 and do some estradoil to build up the lining next cycle. I have scripts for all of the meds she wants to use and she also prescribes the prometrium at the end of the cycle during the LP to support the woman's body in keeping her body healthy and a nurting place for a baby to grow. I do have a problem letting go of the hcg though. So I am going to see what this cycle holds and if there is another cycle review with PPVI, I will discuss these changes. She will not manage the t3 and she considered raising my glucophage xr 500 mg to 2 pills a day. This might work, because I am still having weight issues and this is related to PCOS.
I do feel that I have confidience in this woman as a doctor. Only time will tell, but I felt at peace talking with her. It has been years since I have seen a female obgyn, but I felt comfortable. Speaking of weight, I asked her if my current weight would be an issue in a pregnancy bc all of the other doctors I see tell me to lose weight and I know that being overweight is a big risk factor for preganncy, but she did not see that if would be a grave problem for me and agreed to work closely with me during my pregnancy when that happens. I do feel that I will be able to have another pregnancy. I don't say that to be self-centered, it just is my faith telling me that if these are the doors God is opening, maybe it is what is in my future. I don't know why, but I think that it could happen . . .. it is whether I will be able to carry my baby to birth that concerns me.
I am so peaceful right now, just knowing that I will be able to have someone to call when I do finally get a positive preganncy test and if I don't, I have someone to call for that too. I told her that one of my main goals is to have someone willing to see me in the very early stages of my pregnancy to make sure the baby is in the right place and growing well. Her response to that was amazing and not pacifying. She even told me that for her to get pregnant, she and her husband BD twice a day. I know that is not always the way, but it is worth a shot. Good thing we are excited to try again ;)
There is such a relief that I am feeling. On a mark of personal victory, there was candy everywhere in little bowls at her office and I did not take a single piece. I am trying to do better and eating lots of fruit and will try to start the rel.iv soon. I am also eating lots of veggies and drinking lots of water, can you tell I am hopeful???
I am nervous about my meeting at work tomorrow. The mood at the office has been pleasant, but I don't not want to look for a new job. I am praying a great deal.
Thanks for all of your prayers for this appt. I could feel those prayers calming my anxious heart.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Does God move fast or slow?
I have been neglecting trying to find a new local obgyn since my last frustration in trying to find one. I had decided that I wanted to try a new hospital in the event that I am ever able to deliver and in our small community there is only two. So . . the choices are limiting. Then even making the choices for a doctor even more narrow. Well, I did hear really positive things about one particular doctor. Yet, when I called before she was in the same office as a doctor I wasn't exactly fond of, bad experience with my first mc in him referring to the pregnancy as a chemical pregnancy. Other than that I had seen him for many years before I was married. Well, I told my husband that my goal this week was to choose another doctor. I did it!!!!!!!!! I am just praying that it will go well. The lady opened her own practice and when I called today to ask them if they were still only accepting women who were already pregnant, she said no and that they were accepting new patients, which we know is pretty rare sometimes.
Anyway, when I let them know I would like to make an appt and gave a brief hx of recent ectopic pregnancy and that we are ready to ttc again, the asked me if I wanted to come in tomorrow!!!! This is a perfect stage in my cycle to go and there have been some big issues I have been worried about that I am hoping can be resolved or worked on. Anyway, my appt is tomorrow at 2pm. I couldn't wipe the grin off my face just knowing that some progress is being made. I am prepared to either be received graciously or in the event that I am not, I am prepared to walk away. I am not going to stick myself with a doctor that I don't have full confidience in. It is too late in the ball game to back track. Anyway, so if anyone remembers to pray around that time, I would greatly appreciate it. I called J awhile ago and he was even happy about it. I think he knew this is a huge struggle for me. It is so hard to try to go to a new doctor. I having been praying whether to stay with the other one, but just did not have peace with it.
In work-related things, we still have a meeting set for the end of the week. I don't think I will be too emotional bc I have found some strength in identifying why I feel the way I do and some resources that show the way I tried to resolve it before was the right way to do things. I do not feel shame and do not want to look for another job, but I will do what I must. Hopefully it won't come down to that. As always, you all remain in my prayers!
Anyway, when I let them know I would like to make an appt and gave a brief hx of recent ectopic pregnancy and that we are ready to ttc again, the asked me if I wanted to come in tomorrow!!!! This is a perfect stage in my cycle to go and there have been some big issues I have been worried about that I am hoping can be resolved or worked on. Anyway, my appt is tomorrow at 2pm. I couldn't wipe the grin off my face just knowing that some progress is being made. I am prepared to either be received graciously or in the event that I am not, I am prepared to walk away. I am not going to stick myself with a doctor that I don't have full confidience in. It is too late in the ball game to back track. Anyway, so if anyone remembers to pray around that time, I would greatly appreciate it. I called J awhile ago and he was even happy about it. I think he knew this is a huge struggle for me. It is so hard to try to go to a new doctor. I having been praying whether to stay with the other one, but just did not have peace with it.
In work-related things, we still have a meeting set for the end of the week. I don't think I will be too emotional bc I have found some strength in identifying why I feel the way I do and some resources that show the way I tried to resolve it before was the right way to do things. I do not feel shame and do not want to look for another job, but I will do what I must. Hopefully it won't come down to that. As always, you all remain in my prayers!
Monday, October 5, 2009
Can it get any worse?
I have been having lots of worries in my life and now I have to add extra worries for work. I really feel that I need to find a new job. There is so many things that I should not mention here, but I just don't know how to make it better. I have never had such a hard time to be kind and imitate St. Therese in her little way of suffering and not counting the cost. I am nervous about having to leave a positon that I enjoy simply because I desire to be treated with dignity. As I was sharing that with my director, I cried. I don't know how to get ahold of my emotions. We are supposed to have a problem-solving meeting on Friday, but my only complaint is not being treated with dignity. I don't want to not run away, but I also don't know how to stay.
In addition to this I am having a huge problem missing my little cousin that we have taken care for many years, mostly on the weekends and summers and more recently for a few months last year. His birthday is this week and I have been missing him so much. His mother does very little to celebrate his or his brother's birthdays. She gets them gifts, but is there a celebration of their life? My heart is just hurting. Not even because I have no children to love on, but for all of those children that are living, breathing and not being celebrated.
The best news I had today is that FJIEJ is PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am blown away at God's great pleasure to bring new life into their family and I am so happy that prayers have been answered. Thank you sweet Jesus! This is one little life that will be CELEBRATED!
In addition to this I am having a huge problem missing my little cousin that we have taken care for many years, mostly on the weekends and summers and more recently for a few months last year. His birthday is this week and I have been missing him so much. His mother does very little to celebrate his or his brother's birthdays. She gets them gifts, but is there a celebration of their life? My heart is just hurting. Not even because I have no children to love on, but for all of those children that are living, breathing and not being celebrated.
The best news I had today is that FJIEJ is PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am blown away at God's great pleasure to bring new life into their family and I am so happy that prayers have been answered. Thank you sweet Jesus! This is one little life that will be CELEBRATED!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Mission IMPOSSIBLE!
I love to go to daily Mass, but the timing thing doesn't work out to well with my schedule. Well, today, that was not going to stop me. I left a few minutes early for lunch and drove to the only church in our diocese with a noon mass. It was fanstactic and well worth the sacrifice! St. Therese has been a favorite saint of mine for about 12 years and my devotion has only grown stronger over the years and her wisdom continues to bless me in ways that are immeasurable. I never put together that we both had our spiritual conversion at 14 years old. Suffering for Christ is a lesson I am so resistant to learning and I was gently reminded by a fellow blogger that like St. Therese we need to be persistent in all things! Thanks TCIE!
Anyway, onto the title of this post. The priest spoke of the old "Mission Impossible" series/movies. I never really got into them, but he talked about how in the show they give the star of the show a view of what their task is and what roadblocks they will face and how if they are caught they will be on their own, no support or backup! Making sense so far? Probably not. But stay with me, he then reminded us that in our missions, we are not given a glimpse into seeing what our future holds, we don't know what roadblocks we face, but we DO know that no matter where we go or what trouble we find ourselves in, God will NEVER, EVER abandon us. He told us that if God gave you that mission, then with God, our mission is never impossible. Our mission is possible. So, my dear friends who share the joy of the cross with me, find comfort in knowing that our MISSION IS POSSIBLE, not IMPOSSIBLE!!! God goes with us, lovingly, and restores our strength.
He gives strength to the powerless. We shall run and not grow faint!
Anyway, onto the title of this post. The priest spoke of the old "Mission Impossible" series/movies. I never really got into them, but he talked about how in the show they give the star of the show a view of what their task is and what roadblocks they will face and how if they are caught they will be on their own, no support or backup! Making sense so far? Probably not. But stay with me, he then reminded us that in our missions, we are not given a glimpse into seeing what our future holds, we don't know what roadblocks we face, but we DO know that no matter where we go or what trouble we find ourselves in, God will NEVER, EVER abandon us. He told us that if God gave you that mission, then with God, our mission is never impossible. Our mission is possible. So, my dear friends who share the joy of the cross with me, find comfort in knowing that our MISSION IS POSSIBLE, not IMPOSSIBLE!!! God goes with us, lovingly, and restores our strength.
He gives strength to the powerless. We shall run and not grow faint!
Queen!
The other day, I was given one of my grandma's old quilts. It still had a distictive smell and when I folded it up before washing, Daisy just found it amazing! This pictures just goes to show you who she thinks is the QUEEN! Baylie is trying to figure out how to distract her so she can make it to the throne!
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