I had the day off and tried to spend some time with my mom.
Really, I love my mom, but she hurts my feelings alot. Every conversation seems strained.
My mom deals with a boatload of depression and other issues, but I still sometimes just expect things to not be so difficult. It wore me down and I was unable to deal with it with kindness today because I just really stood up for myself. Now I feel completely vulnerable and guilty. It is really a sad situation and I know she would climb the highest mountain to be able to build better relationships with those around her, but it seems to be just out of her grasp. She made me to be the one with issues and as more conversations unfolded, it appeared that she is fundamentally disappointed with all of the people in her life. I have been praying for her daily in regard to these issues specifically. She is trying. I need to try more, too.
Being pregnant after infertility and two losses I am different than most pregnant women. I tend to talk very little outside of my close circle of friends and my husband about the joys and ultimately the worries of this pregnancy. This is what set her off today because I tend to be a bit overwhelmed when she or other family members talk so much about the baby or my pregnancy. All I can think of is that they were also the hardest to be around after the loss of Sam and Nicky. I remember seeing her or Jessy's parents and just crying to not being able to present them with their new grandbabies after we were all excited to meet them. They did not put this pressure on me, I did it to myself. I understand this, but this is just the truth of the matter. I explained this to her, but she seemed to think that I am trying to diminish her joy.
I did try to let her know that I love her, but that seemed to just be so shallow.
Any constructive suggestions? I want to be joyfully connected to my mom during this time, but today was just so stressful.
I have no advice, but I have to say I am so impressed with the way you deal with these difficult situations with her. You clearly love her so much! You are someone I want to emulate. Amazing.
ReplyDeleteI will pray for healing and peace for your mom....
I'm definitely not in a position to give advice as my relationship with my mother is in shambles. I do wonder though if we're expecting too much? Just about everyone I know has troubles with their mothers when pregnant with their first and I hear from some of my older friends that they felt crazy when their daughters were pregnant for the first time (even if they've had several grandchildren by their sons). Adding mental illness on top of that is really tough and then adding past infertility and pregnancy loss on top may just be crazy making material. I'm praying for you and your mom.
ReplyDeleteWow, ladies. Thank you for making me feel better. It bothers me so much. I am hopeful that God will redeem our relationship!
ReplyDeleteI def. had troubles with my mom during my first pregnancy. I don't think she was ready to be a Gramma. Once the baby was born, everything was terrific, but up until then, it was sketchy to say the least....
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