No matter. . .

No matter what my tomorrows look like . . . .

I have been feeling so emotionally stable, I am on the hcg medication, been off of work for nearly 5 days, and sleeping like a baby at night. Who wouldn’t feel better with this great combination?

One thing that has certainly helped my mood was Mass yesterday. I was just so taken in by the Holy Spirit’s movements, that I am still trying to just take in all of the graces I received yesterday.

I went to a church that I have never been to before in my hometown with a friend who is preparing to receive the sacrament of confirmation in that church. There was not one available seat in the church once it began. That should’ve told me something right then, but I just was sort of struck at the simplicity of the beginning of Mass. Very solemn and quiet.

We started out singing some music in Latin, very traditional for Lent, but not what the other churches in the area had been doing so I forgot about the holiness of the prayerful moments it offers. Everything seemed to happen so fast and before I knew the pastor was reading the Gospel and then he began the homily. I was struck by the wisdom he imparted, it HAD to be the Holy Spirit.

One of the things he talked about, besides explaining the Transfiguration in a way I understood for the first time in my whole faith journey, he talked about having ‘mountain type’ spiritual experiences. We have all had those experiences, right? Well he talked about how God graces us with those moments to change us, the world around us hasn’t changed. The people around us haven’t changed, we have and we have to put those a face on those changes and live it out. He went on to say that we are given those experiences often before a crisis experience because God is using those moments of changing, gracing our spirits to prepare for the trials that we will encounter. This was very real to me. So very real, that my heart ached with knowing this to be utterly true.

I had the chance to go on retreat the week Nicky was conceived. I had a most profound ‘mountain top’ experience of God’s never ending love for me and his plan to have bright future in mind for my husband and I. Joy overflowed in a way I never knew possible when we found out that I was pregnant! Immediately there were concerns about spotting, miscarrying, bed rest, and a myriad of other fears that surfaced, but I tried so hard to just trust that God had everything under control. That he would not let us conceive and plan for this baby to only have a short life. No, I knew that if God allowed new life to begin after me begging him to do so and with great faith surrendering this plea to him on retreat, I knew that he had a great plan for the life of this child I was now carrying. As I laid in bed those first few days of knowing of my pregnancy, I pleaded a special litany of Saints to protect this child and my own body to allow this child to keep growing.

Well, the prayer was answered, the baby kept growing, I just never knew that the baby nestled in the wrong spot.
Moivng on, a few more weeks into my pregnancy, my life changed drastically and Nicky’s life (on earth) was gone forever. Yes, God did give me the mountain top experience before the biggest tragedy in my life. I could have never survived that difficult time if I had just recently been surrounded by God’s goodness, God’s love, God’s intimate embrace. I was changed forever, but God did lay the groundwork and made the soil fertile for spiritual growth.

A part of the homily included a short observation that when people come at us trying to break us and try with all their might to make us ‘broken people’ it is because they are broken. He said with people seem intent on making those around them suffer (my work situation) it is entirely related to their own suffering. This really challenged me. He invited us to love, forgive, and not to cause more pain. I will try and you all know which relationship is the most difficult for me not act loving at all because I have put a iron wall around my spirit in their presence. So I will try, one small step at a time. I still may need to find a better environment to work in, but I will keep praying that maybe God can take the one I am at and make it better.

Now here is the real icing on the cake! The holy Eucharistic celebration was like a wedding feast!!! My own spiritual wedding feast, Jesus was so very present to me and I am still just amazed at those few moments of deep connection with Jesus in the Eucharist. I remember consuming Jesus and just looking at the altar and praying “I love you Jesus, I love you Jesus, no matter what my tomorrows look like.”

I felt so incredibly blessed. There was an almost electrical charge in that moment, Christ was present!

No knowing what I know now about the mountain top experiences, I will continue to step out in faith and say “I love you Jesus, no matter what my tomorrows look like.”