Welcome to 2010

I have to say that at this moment the only thing that I am thankful for with CrMS is that I am able to anticipate with some accuracy when cd 1 will arrive.

I was right on the money, it did arrive today! Right before we headed out to see some of the most difficult people that I ever have to see.

I was in incredible pain both physically and emotionally. Just drained, sad, and desired with all of my heart to live on an island far away to where I don't have to be kind to people that I don't want to see at all.

My low point was when my mil found my 14 mo. old nephew/godson with a lit candle in his hand. My fil lost his temper at the fact that his grandson's parents lack in so many areas as parents. They left a lit candle in their room (they live with J's parent's right now) amd left to go outside to pop fireworks and left the child in the house. J, his parents, and I were in the living room when little one came down the hall carrying a lit candle to his grandma. My FIL said "And those TWO need a baby???" Without the latch on my mouth, I said "What we DO know is that GOD is not discriminating when he doles out children. Apparently you don't have to be DESERVING to be blessed with them!!!!!!!!!!" J immediately grabbed the baby who had wax on his fingers . . . it was suprising that J did not go after his parents himself. They still never even came in to check on their kid. I could not take it anymore and when we left, I cried.

This was a huge downer for J's birthday, I am glad that we did have some happy time before this. We literally had to just push through the family time to survive.

Now, I am really trying to not fall off the cliff of despair and lose all hope that I will know what it feels like to be able to mother a child one day.

I don't know what we are doing wrong here, but something is not adding up. If it is just that God is not ready to bring life to us, okay. I just want to know what he wants me to do in the meantime.

Ever since the surgery to remove my left tube due to its rupture, I have this agonizing pain in the exact area where the tube was cut/severed or however you are supposed to say that. It gets me so worried and I am just trying to make peace with God that this is just the cost of being able to have Nicky a part of our lives at all. I feel like it is like Jesus' wounds in his hands, side, and feet. The pain was constant all day long, I finally got home around 6:30 pm and took an A.dvil and I finally got some relief.

The absolute best thing about this past cycle is that I barely had any right side pain. I really think that in previous cycles I may have had a cyst that may have resolved itself. Maybe skipping the hcg on p+9 helped.

Facing reality seems like such a tremendous burden right now. I was at the verge of tears all day and was a total witch to both sides of our families. I did not trust myself to let down any walls. They were all fully erected and guarding my heart. At one point, I asked my husband "I just wonder if they could ever realize just how hard our life really is?" Even when I said it, I knew that there are millions of people out there who have heavier crosses to bear, but I was feeling so sorry for myself!

Once again, I am laying down in front of the Throne of Grace and waiting for God's mercy to heal my broken heart.