Tears, Conversation, and some peace

Yesterday was a hard day. Not the whole day, but the near end of the day almost made me lose my joy. I can't keep letting things that do not work out keep stealing my joy.

There is a priest that knows my husband and I very well and the two of them have so much in common and think alike alot of the time, it just that this priest is about 25 years older than my husband and has different ways of approaching things.

I haven't seen him in a while and wanted to set an appointment to see him at his office, he is not our parish priest anymore so it is harder to see him. Well, yesterday, he brought up whether or not we had been able to conceive again. Those were not his exact words, but that is what he was meaning. He said it with such joy, that I wondered if I was looking pregnant or something. I handled it well, but I bared my soul to him and said that I am struggling to understand why my husband and I are not on the same page or stage in regard to the world of adoption. I have become so pushy about it, that I asked this priest if I was wrong to assume that adoption is just the next natural step if we are unable to conceive again. He told me no, but that the marriage is the supreme relationship.

I know this . . . but my heart still aches. Why is this? He told me that we are still young and that the adoption option will be available to us for many years and that I don't need to rush it, just wait for my husband to be ready. Wow, more waiting. Part of me thought that I could be pregnant right now and that I could not even be needing to wait any longer, I am painfully hopeful even at this stage.

The way he talked to me so compassionately made my heart feel so safe and he was not judgemental at all or assuming that he had all the answers. I shared with him that I am worried to lose my other tube and the fertility I have left. At that point there would not be a possibility of a child growng in my womb and he said that at that point my husband may need some spiritual care. I agreed, it will be something to be grieved and processed on his end.

He encouraged me to let my husband take the lead in the area of adoption. I will try to do this. I want him to do that. Just like I want to be pursued in an intimate way to join in union with him to concieve a child, I want desperately to have him pursue growing our family in the same manner if adoption is part of God's plan for our lives.

I made a vow to God and to my husband that I will try not to push my own way, but let them both lead us.

It was coming to this place of abandonment of trying to push my way to adoption since around 2003, I realized that I never thought that it could possibly NOT be a part of God's will for my life with my husband. I realized that I have grieved my compromised fertility, I have grieved the loss of Sam, I have grieved the loss of Nicky, I have grieved the loss of my tube, yet I have never, ever allowed myself to grieve that adoption might not be part of God's plan for us. I am still just considering all that has come to light. I do believe that I will be the mother of children in some way and that I will parent a child on earth. I do believe that my husband wants to father a child here on earth and I think that it is only a matter of God's movement until he leads us there, but I need to be patient with God and my husband. They have both been so very patient with me over the years and my mild temper tantrum last night. On my way home, driving alone, I cried and could not stop! I was able to start praying the rosary and then the tears cleared up. Praise God!

When I shared all of this with my husband in the most compassionate way I knew, it shook him to the core. I really thought that I was trying be up front and honest that I was not going to pressure, coerce, or anything anymore. I love him for all he is to me and who God created him to be. I want to nurture his soul, not harm it.

God, I need your grace to be like Mary and say "I am the handmaid of the Lord, do unto me according to your will". AMEN.