It has been so long since I have just walked ahead and left the grief behind. This is what I have been trying to do so that I can embrace the future with hope.
To be honest, I have been feeling a little left behind. It is easy to let it go at times and other times I just allow myself to wonder "Will I ever have my time in the Sun?" I have been very lonesome for the babies that I did not get to meet and only carried for a bit. I wonder if I will ever be able to have a successful pregnancy. At this point, I am really unsure if we will be able to achieve another pregnancy.
There are days that this cross just feels too heavy . . . like it has multiplied over the years, the rejections, the losses. It doesn't help to be anticipating my 33rd birthday in two and half weeks. I got married at 23 and full of dreams! I am really blessed to have a wonderful husband. I know that with each choice he makes he does so in love. I don't blame him for not being ready, this is something that you cannot rush. I am just going to have to wait on God and J!
The readings this week are not offering me much consolation! How horrible is that? It just makes me sadder to know that God can open the womb of the barren woman and answer her prayers and it seems that mine are not being answered. Yes, we were able to conceive twice and I was reminded that IS gift! Sometimes I wonder if I can survive just knowing that my joy is awaiting me in heaven.
God is gracious in the ways He sees fit and I will continue to trust and do all that I can to help him answer our prayers :-)
I shall wait in expectant HOPE!
Sorry that you are feeling left behind. I hope you and J can come to a decision about your plan with regard to adoption. I'm sorry that are also also having to deal with a birthday in the sense of reminding you how long you've been trying. I'm praying for you as always.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are struggling and I will definitely keep you in my prayers. I know what it is like to want to adopt and have to wait on dh. I tell myself if it is meant to be, God will sway dh, not me. But I still plant seeds-I can be annoying that way! lol
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to tell you that my feed for you is messed up! It never says I have an update for you. I removed and readded and I will continue to try to fix it...I am going to make it a point to remember to come over and check in now that I know this is happening. I wasn't forgetting you! You are so sweet to follow and comment on my blog, and I want to be here to support you as well. hang in there, prayers are coming!
It is hard to wait...and not know what the future holds. It's hard to trust in God too..even that sounds silly and should be easy but it's not. I keep asking myself..what if God's future plans includes something I don't like? Could anything be worse than the cross of IF? Yes. There could be a lot worse. So, I'm grateful for what I have now and work daily at leaving the future to God. I know bdays are hard...my next one will be 40. I'm hoping I can grow older graciously. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteThe readings about Hannah were a lot to take first thing in the morning (the kids read them over the announcements). My very selfish thought was, "Are you serious Lord? I don't even get a reprieve when I'm at work?????"
ReplyDeleteI'm just as petrified to pursue adoption, but I'm just so ready to be a mother that I can't find any other excuses to wait!
I'm praying for you!