Wooo hooo we are almost off!

We leave tomorrow morning at 4 am to make the long trek to FL. We are super excited and super worn out!

I have been so very thankful lately that we have the experience of some children in our life and I am so thankful that my bil and sil are letting us experience Disney with their sweet guy!!

Our hearts are overflowing at thankfulness!


I am near the peak day and wonder if I will be making it a double peak bc of the stress of getting every thing ready and my crazy work stuff.

Anyway, trying to be thankful more that anxious!!

Blessings to you all!

Lenten Graces

Snippet of my morning reflection:   "Jesus urges us to "lose life to find it," and Matthew 11:12 records his unsettling, cryptic comment about the "kingdom of heaven: that "suffers violence."  It's no coincidence that Jesus asked us to say, "Thy kingdom come," knowing full well that if God's reign truly begins, the world as we know it will blow apart.  Christian faith was never meant to be a pleasant stroll in the park or "cheap grace: that refuses to count the cost of discipleship.  Jesus taught us to pray with a fire in the head and a fire in the belly."  Pray as if your life depends on it, it does.  From Liguori Daybreaks for Lent & Easter.   When I read the words "Jesus urges us to "lose life to find it"" my heart leapt for joy!!!!  Unspeakable joy . . . we who have lost a life can find hope that we will find life again and it will be full, complete, and lacking NOTHING!   Wow, God you are so generous to my grieving spirit!   I have been having so many spiritual revelations lately that it is hard to really sit with any of them for a long period of time for prayer and meditation.   A dear Sister died on Monday and she was one who told me to pray for twins J  Love that sweet lady, she was a gift from God.  Please join me in prayer that she is enjoying her heaven – I know that she waited to be united with her God in a way that was beautiful and courageous!  I will always remember her kind encouragement and unselfish love!   I have been reflecting on my Lenten journey this year and I was thinking that I am just not doing much in the way of prayer for a baby, pleading and begging like I did last lent and we know that God graced us with life during the Easter season of that year.  The cross then was so heavy and now the cross I am carrying is still trying to have a baby, but that cross has been eclipsed by the cross of suffering I am enduring with the work situation and mediation, etc.  I am terribly confused about all of it and not really feeling a whole lot of peace except for the fact that the priest that I went to who will be taking over here soon asked me to just wait it out and to trust that this situation will be short lived and will not be forever.  I just feel like the scapegoat.  The one who stood up and requested to be treated fairly with dignity and I am the one taking one for the team, know what I mean.  I am feeling like the Christ crucified.  There are no friends, no go to for support in the workplace because I am doing my best not to add fuel to the fire.  This is what my lent has been for me.  I do have to say that I have grown tremendously and matured in a way I did not know that I needed to grow.  Suffering always does that to you ;)    In other topics related to lent, I am in awe of my prayer buddy and her strength.  She is an amazing person and I just feel so privileged to be praying for her during this time in her life.  I can't wait to let her know that I have been offering up sacrifice (see above paragraph J) and saying daily prayers for her and her family.  With excitement, I long to know what poor soul has had to pray for me!!!  I bet her knees are scarred from pleading God to give me some peace of mind!!!    Easter is coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!        Resurrection is coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     We will all rise and ascend, like our dear, sweet Jesus!  "I set before you life & death, blessings and curses; CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children will live!"  Deuteronomy 30:19

Ramblings . . .

Life in our little world is busy, but we are happy and excited.

We only have a few more days until we leave for Florida and Disney World. We hope that D travels well and that WE are able to keep up :)

We ended up buying a sit and stand stroller to accomodate the D and will be able to let our friends use the front as needed for our other godson. So far, all little hineys will have a place to rest. We are planning to spend five days at DW. I just can't wait to be away from work! Although I am certain that I will be worn smooth out.

In cycle news, I am on cd 14 and so sick of pills!!!!!! I made a list of pills today and it just seems so overwhelming. I think my body is revolting. I am on a huge amount of antibiotics (one for 21 days both J & I and one for cd 14-18), probiotic, prenatals, t3, glucophage (1000 mg), vitamin b6, and the hcg will come later. I am just wondering how much I can take, but thankfully I see some other bloggers who use more medications to achieve and maintain a pregnancy so I am hoping that God will breath new life into our family soon! I have been fighting some migraines but they stayed away today. Not really sure how to handle those, right now I just whine. There has to be a rainbow on the horizon!

Are there any secrets anyone wants to share with us to prepare for our trip to Disney and any special events yall think a six year old boy would love? We are going with six other children and two of my best friends and their husbands and one of their mothers. Please share your ideas and suggestions. Someone said to get an autograph book and on the Disn.ey website it says you can make a homemade one, but then I found out about the passports, any suggestions would be super helpful. I am hoping to make one! I am not the most creative person in the world, but I trust that grace will fill in all the gaps :)

todays's meditation

What You Can't Live Without – Make a list; check it twice.   At one time or another, almost everyone has been asked, "If you had to spend the rest of your life on a desert island, what would you take with you?"  It's an idle question, of course, yet it invites us to reflect on what really matters in our lives.  The names of persons we love would probably be at the top of our list, followed by . . .  what or whom?  Extreme conditions require extreme choices.  In my own case, besides people, I'd want books and music: the Bible and Bach, certainly, and maybe a collection of my favorite poetry.  But my list reflects the odd tastes and interests of an educated, aging, white male of European origin.  Food and water would surely be at the top of the list for most of the world (didn't Ghandi once say that if Christ ever came to India, he'd better come as bread?).   And freedom from fear, terror, sickness, pain, oppression, violence, injustice – these too would probably make the top of the list.  Could I survive without hope?  Probably not.  Could I survive without companionship and love?  Certainly not.   And what about faith?  In the great "Hymn to Faith" found in the Letter to the Hebrews (Chapter 11), we're told that faith is the "assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."  We're told that faith made Sarah, old and barren, the joyful mother of Isaac.  And faith saved Rahab, a prostitute who once showed hospitality to Joshua's spes (Joshua 2:1-7) and who is counted as one of Jesus' ancestors in Matthew's genealogy (Matthew 1:5).  Faith confronts us with the unlikely, the improbable, the unforeseen – and sometimes, the unsavory.  Maybe faith is what "desert island"; maybe it's the thing that makes everything else possible. This came from "Daybreaks", Liguori, by Nathan D. Mitchell     "I set before you life & death, blessings and curses; CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children will live!"  Deuteronomy 30:19

This & That . . .

So much has been happening, but I am determined to not be derailed by the terrible situations and focus most of my energy on all the good stuff!!!!!   J and I went to a healing mass last night.  I did not have to beg for him to come, but in all honesty, he was skeptical at first and I told him that we would be the only ones under 35 and we were besides the children who went with their families J   It was nothing that we expected, but we got to receive and adore Jesus!!!!  Amazing.  The priest came from Rwanda and God has graced him in a very special way.  He had 18 members of his family die from the genocide.    He preached about forgiveness.  He even talked about having to forgive God when we wonder where was God when all of these terrible events happen in our lives.   I prayed for so many people – all of my friends who struggle with infertility, pregnancy loss, or adoption loss as well as those waiting to adopt and all those will have to carry this cross in the future!  I prayed for a dear friend who had an injured arm and will have surgery this week and then I prayed for my father in law with his leg pains.  I prayed for my Mom and all of my family who are experiencing medical problems and I prayed for myself and my husband to one day celebrate a new child conceived and destined for our family!  I went in with my right area/ovary area feeling a bit like it was burning and that is the only way I could describe it.  It was not really burning, but there was something definite going on in there.  Throughout the mass, I sensed relief.  I don't know what will come of it, but I do know that I found healing for my spirit and in dealing with the craziness I have with some of the difficult relationships in my life.  Oh, I wante to add that at the end, the priest said that somehow by the grace of God he can hear the prayers for healing that we asked for and he then listed some of the prayers he heard and asked people to acknowleged their prayers.  I kept waiting to see if my prayer was heard.  He mentioned the two things about my fil an friend and then later he said that "couples who has sexual diseases (I am guessing this would include IF related illnesses) were healed by God.  Praying!!!!   J and I are in a happy place.  We have been laughing so much and this was the first cycle that I haven't been wanting to throw myself under a bus when cd 1 came and I had no baby to look forward too.  I don't feel the need to give up, but last night I was brought to tears that I have a beautiful womb and a very worrisome tube.  IVF would seem like such a solution if I hadn't been formed to know that it negates the procreative power of God and the life-giving offer our ourselves as spouses in love.   We are super excited about taking a trip to WDW and it can't come soon enough!  Actually it is JUST around the corner!!!  This opportunity has given us a new lease on life and trusting that God's plans are better!  We have been talking about other things not related to IF or adoption.  Not that these are bad things, it is just that we need a break from it!!   The situation at work has taken a turn and I don't know what will come of it.  I keep trying to trust that I did the best that I could with what I had to work with and that it took courage to ask for outside help.  They offered us to have mediation and we have to agree on a mediator.  They gave us four choices.  The situation was very hard to accept yesterday and I was sad and then upset at how I was treated when I was told about this plan.  I keep trusting that "God is with me".  "I set before you life & death, blessings and curses; CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children will live!"  Deuteronomy 30:19

Is my luck changing :)

I found these three four-leaf clovers today at the park with J & D!!!
I was amazed and immediately thought of my Aunt Cynthia and how she could always find a four-leaf clover in the a few moments in a clover patch that I had been staring at for an hour!!! Some sweet memories. The only other time I remembered finding more than one four leafed clover was when my Uncle died unexpectedly and I was helping take care of the boys and distracting them and we spent hours looking at the clovers! We all found one or two four leafed clovers!


We have been having the busiest weekend and my sweet hubs is feeling out of sorts with a head cold. He is a good sport so he has been keeping up with our six year old godson who has been with us all weekend. I sure love that boy and we have done more laughing over the past 48 hours that the whole past week. Some really just funny moments and then some that we just had to laugh because we could not believe that those words just came out of his mouth!!! Nothing bad, but just not something that we would expect OUR six year old to say, kwim? Good thing his parents are used to his ways!!! We decided that this kid could be the next best salesman! He will try to convince you need something or to do something for him and will just not quit! It has actually been quite humorous to see him become suprised that he doesn't get his way. Oh, yeah, I did not know how much a six year old growing boy could EAT! He is a BOTTOTMLESS PIT!!

We wore him out today taking walks and then going to the park! I have gotten a taste of 'parenting' a young child, not a baby and I couldn't get it out of my mind that this is what it would be like to foster. His mom says she teaches him his prayers, etc. But the poor child could not make the sign of the cross and does not know any prayers. We were a little suprised, sadly. The awesome thing is that he now knows how to do the sign of the cross and almost has the meal blessing down pat. Amazing. He is very open to prayer, praise GOD!

I will leave you all with a picture of him passed out last night with Rascal and Baylie. oh, by the way - she is worn out too! Daisy is used to this song and dance and has her way of coming around when she wants and hiding when he is too active!




Oh, we decided to go to Disney since I was able to get off!!! We can't wait!!!
We get to go with two of our best friends and their families! It will be such a blessing! It is great because we have not been talking about IF and only chatting about Disney and travelling. Now we will just have to hope that P arrives at a good time when we can take advantage of the day of opportunity! There were a few changes with the cycle review that was done on Thursday so we are really trying the best that we can! Give it our all ;)

Disney

We have been offered a great opportunity to take a trip to Disney!!!!!!!!   We will only have to pay for our tickets, food, and gas to get there!!  We are super-excited and it will be the first time any of us would be able to experience Disney :)  We would get a free two bedroom, two bath condo FREE and it is across the street from Epcot.  We seriously need to have some fun!!  I picked with J last night that maybe we could bring home a little souvenier ;)   Our plan is to bring our six year old godson, D.  He would have the time of his life!   This is the issue.  I have to get three days off and since for me to have anytime off from the office, I have to get a VOLUNTEER that makes things challenging.  I had mentioned to my supervisor awhile back I would like to take the time during Holy Week off but never officially made it set in stone, so she has taken those days off.  J's already got his time approved to be away from work, but now I am waiting to find out if I could get off.  I know this sounds petty, but it would really be fun to go and to not use your vacation time for SURGERY or ReCOVERY.   In cycle news, just waiting to complete the cycle review, reorder the clomid.  Fun :)  I am at cd 3.  Why does the time fly by before peak times and then drag on while you are in the 2ww?   Now, I am in a great mood because I got to visit two of the sweetest friends of mine today.  One is a little gorgeous and generously spirited 20 month old and the other is my dear friend and one of my few IRL blogger friends!  I always feel so renewed in hope and spirit being in their presence!!  The highlight of my visit was when the sweet little one blessed me before leaving and her and her mommy talked about praying for her to have a new friend one day :)   God we are all calling on you to bring a new baby to us!!!  We are filled with hope, waitng for you to fill our hearts, fill our arms, and fill our homes!  Amen.   "I set before you life & death, blessings and curses; CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children will live!"  Deuteronomy 30:19

cd1

No big news, just that it looks like today is cd1. I am not really all that sad, I just wanted some new beginning of some kind.

Well, here it is . . . new hope!

Bewildered

I am so confused with my charting. So confused with my body signals. Today is cd35, p+14 (from what we marked at p), and I did see the slightest bit of pink today so we can't count it as cd 1 yet. I am having odd issues with the girls being super sensitive. I don't know if this has something to do with a new pms symptom developing or what. I just know that I am so tired. Just drained from all of this hoping, wondering, and just plain wanting to be a mother to a baby right now. Although, that may not be what God desires for me. He may have just needed us to get those two precious souls to heaven.

I am really ready to move on, figure out a new game plan. Not stop ttc. Just broaden my life and bring in other things/people/missions to enhance all that I offer to God.

My sweet husband was so very hoepful for this cycle and mentioned after mass yesterday saying that "signs" were everywhere answering his prayers that now is not hte time to give up. Wow, my heart just about broke right then and there with not having the best body parts in all the world to offer to him and growing our family. He doesn't often talk like this and his hope was just so full, holy, and annointed. Wow.

The last two nights we had our J's parent's over and we played 'wahoo'. It gets pretty heated up with the girls against the guys, but it has been just what the doctor ordered - bringing us lots of laughter and dispeling our worries. Praise God, he always knows when to send us good gifts!

Let us keep praying for Mrs.blondies! I remember my first night after the second surgery and that the pain was really hard to bear, thank goodness for the comforting pain pump ;) It was walking for the first time that was so hard, so keep her in your prayers and that all of the nurses been very kind to her!

A Day In The Park

We had a wonderful day today just being together!

We enjoyed some of our favorite local spots, spent some time laughing, and visiting with family! It was so great to just laugh and have no significant worries! What a gift. Below are a few pictures from our day at the park.

10 Random Things About My Husband!

I was challenges by Ann at Building A Nest! She did an awesome post on her husband and challenged me to do the same!!

10 Random Things About My Husband!

#1 - My hubs loves to fish! I mean sleeps, eats, breathes, and dreams fishing. He is known as the guy who takes all the kiddos on thier first fishing trips. The other day little Malorie asked her Uncle J if he would take her fishing soon. So sweet! He just has a gift and feels a connection to the "Fisher of Men".

#2 - My husband takes a sandwich to work almost everyday. I am amazed that a man can eat a sandwich everyday and not get tired of it. He does come home starving though!

#3 - My husband is one of the calmest souls I have ever known. He is very even-tempered and is the calmest one in his whole family. He has actually taught me a great deal about patience and just waiting for better things/days/people/jobs to come along.

#4 - He knows and lives true loyalty, at all costs. That speaks for itself.

#5 - The man can COOK! I am completely spoiled. When we got married, I thought my Mom prepared me well. She was a cook by profession and taught me as much as she could, but my husband would always beat me to the kitchen!!! I am not kidding. He cooks those fish he catches better than any restaurant could. One year for Christmas I got him the really unromantic gift of a 6 qt cast iron pot. It weighs alot, but he makes the best meals in there. He and I work well in the kitchen together. I think it is a way that we stay connected! A way of 'creating' something together.

#6 - My husband always, AlWAYS falls asleep in his chair or on the couch. He can just pass out in a matter of seconds and he is a very early riser. He is a morning person and he is still trying to convert me, hahaha!

#7 - Laundry! What can I say, he is so very helpful with all the household chores since we both work full time, but sometimes he tells me all the laundry is done and then the next day I discover some in the washer and the dryer is full of clothes too. Now if I do the laundry and fold it, he is always quick to put it away. Funny!

#8 - He grew up with dogs. Dogs of every variety. When we married his best friend what his registered yellow Lab, Sassy. She was the sweetest dog. We have no dogs and now have two cats and he really never had a kitten before so when Baylie came along, he was just smitten with her antics. The sweet way he spoils the kitties melts my heart.

#9 - His mom is the littlest woman and she was very young when my sweet husband was born. The doctor rushed the delivery and he got stuck and the doctor PULLED him out and pulled both of his hips out of socket. He was in full hip to toe casts for the first six weeks of his life. The specialist thought he might never walk, much less run or play sports. My husand was a on the starting string for his high school football team and ran track all through high school! Miracles abound!!

#10 - My husand is crazy stong! He has the most incredible upper body strenth and his legs, pure muscle. He works a very physically demanding job and he is one of the strongest men I know. He is always called upon when we have family and friends who need heavy things moved. He suprised me on our wedding night by carrying me over the threshold and truth be told I am not little in any way! Super strong, inside and out!

declined

I declined the job offer today. It was a most difficult decision. It is like saying no to a very good gift, but knowing that if really doesn't meet all of your needs. If I would not be so intent on getting pregnant I think I could have made it work.

I got sick this morning which is really unlike me. TMI coming, I was coughing trying to clear my throat and I lost all of my breakfast. I immediately wanted to announce to the world that I am having 'Morning sickness', the crazy hopeful that I am. hahahahahaha

My husband got me on the right track and said it was probably becasue I was coughing. Go ahead rain on my parade. I am also telling my mind that the mild discomfort I am feeling off and on on the right side is corpus luteum pain. Whatever lets me sleep at night, right?

I feel so deflated about the job situation, but I am just so confused and trying to do the right thing that will make me happy for a long, long time.

Stressed

I was able to make some phone calls today. My husband remembers better than I do sometimes that I need to call PPVI to get my blood work results for p+7. I did the draw on tuesday and we think that it was P+7, but honestly this cycle has been anything but ordinary! It is funny how just getting an outside opinion can help. I was talking to mrsblondies today and she said something to the effect that its all that crazy stress I am experiencng that is probably making this cycle so messed up!

Well before I list the results, the nurse assured me that these results were great, I really wasn't so convinced!!!
progesterone - 27.7
estradoil - 27.5

I am having slight twinges of moderate discomfort on the right side. Nothing real strong on the left, so that is great. I am on cd31 and at p+9. I really think I ovulated before the chart's peak day, but I was charting on what I saw and tried not to interpret things, etc. Just chart it and move on.

In regard to the work situation, I was offered the other position today and the situation at work is really creating a strain on me. I woke up in the middle of the night and could not go back to bed because I was trying to figure out and discern what step I need to take to protect my current job. I don't want to leave, I want it to work out. I prayed and even asked for prayers from some dear friends and decided to follow the chain of command. The current job offer needs to have a decision by Friday at 10 am. I don't get to meet with someone about the issues I am working through at the current job until wednesday, next week.

As if that isn't enough, I am expecting a phone call from that reporter tomorrow afternoon. I have really not stressed about this because I am thinking I will know how to proceed once I hear the direction the reporter is wanting to go.

See, I am stressed out and I am trying to just keep it all in perspective!!!

The high point at this very moment is that my hubby and I made a little feast for dinner tonight, cooked together, laughed, and just tried to forget all of the stress. I even made some browies, half to stay here and half to go to work so we avoid eating them all ourselves.

So, basically I would love any ideas that some of you have about those numbers. I need to learn so much!

Letting it all hang out!

This has been two of the most difficult days (not related to IF) in a very long time!

I had five days off and went straight back to work on tuesday and had to work 11 1/2 hours, I could barely drag myself out of bed this morning. The length of time for the day was not the problem though.

I was treated in the most awful way by someone in leadership in my office and I was barely able to keep it together. I felt the responsiblity to report this incident to the director bc this person should not lose their cool and get so angry and violently with words/language take it out on others.

I don't want to go into details, but the person I reported it to did not validate my concern which was very hard to swallow. I am trying to discern who I should report it to next. I really hate to ruin this person's reputation, but this is not good behavior in any setting.

I did have a job interview somewhere else today, but I am so torn because there is so much that is great about my current job, excluding pay and this particular person.

The potential job is a huge diversion for me and I would take classes to be licensed insurance representative and sale insurance at local small business that sales insurance. The money is about the same but there are NO benefits, at all. But the potential could be really good.

The other thing I thought about was possibly working at Hospice, working at a ob/gyn clinic (can you see why that one was not pursued!), or go back to school to be a teacher or a nurse. I am feeling so lost here.

Talk about mountain top experience and then have the valley. See the post titled "No Matter"

I never thought I would need to have to be dealing this, I thought the biggest worry I would have this week would be dealing with the 2ww.

I went into work yesterday wanting to love the unloveable. Well, God sure did give me a test. It was one of the most difficult moments in my life. God did keep me strong! Praise the Lord.


I am surely giving my prayer buddy a workout. As I was experiencing all of this suffering, I just would offer it up for my prayer intentions for my prayers buddy.

God will make a way, won't He?

Please pray . . .UPDATE

I am having a most difficult day, please pray.

I made it through the day, worked 13 1/2 hours. The end was way better than the beginng. It looks like for my own well being I will need to make a big life change. I will post more later, I have so many mixed emotions about it though.

I have an important meeting tomorrow afternoon, so I hope and pray it will go well!! Thanks for all of the prayers, the tears were nearly non-existent after I requested your prayers! Thank you all for coming through for me.

Daisy

Today was a rainy day, but I still got out to bring Daisy in for hare annual shots. I do really like my vet, so that always helps. Daisy is our sweet grownup kitty who has bone problems, is a littly hefty (13 lbs 13 oz) and mostly sweet natured until you shove nasty tastin' pills down her throat. She did really well, though. Although she did cry the whole 30 minutes there, in the lobby, and about 20 minutes home :)

It made me wonder if my kids will try to cry the whole way home, that is when you want a really short commute!!!

She is doing well now and Baylie tried to mother her and lick her wounds. Baylie is really a nurturer and it helps Daisy to receive love! Like humans, I suppose!

No matter. . .

No matter what my tomorrows look like . . . .

I have been feeling so emotionally stable, I am on the hcg medication, been off of work for nearly 5 days, and sleeping like a baby at night. Who wouldn’t feel better with this great combination?

One thing that has certainly helped my mood was Mass yesterday. I was just so taken in by the Holy Spirit’s movements, that I am still trying to just take in all of the graces I received yesterday.

I went to a church that I have never been to before in my hometown with a friend who is preparing to receive the sacrament of confirmation in that church. There was not one available seat in the church once it began. That should’ve told me something right then, but I just was sort of struck at the simplicity of the beginning of Mass. Very solemn and quiet.

We started out singing some music in Latin, very traditional for Lent, but not what the other churches in the area had been doing so I forgot about the holiness of the prayerful moments it offers. Everything seemed to happen so fast and before I knew the pastor was reading the Gospel and then he began the homily. I was struck by the wisdom he imparted, it HAD to be the Holy Spirit.

One of the things he talked about, besides explaining the Transfiguration in a way I understood for the first time in my whole faith journey, he talked about having ‘mountain type’ spiritual experiences. We have all had those experiences, right? Well he talked about how God graces us with those moments to change us, the world around us hasn’t changed. The people around us haven’t changed, we have and we have to put those a face on those changes and live it out. He went on to say that we are given those experiences often before a crisis experience because God is using those moments of changing, gracing our spirits to prepare for the trials that we will encounter. This was very real to me. So very real, that my heart ached with knowing this to be utterly true.

I had the chance to go on retreat the week Nicky was conceived. I had a most profound ‘mountain top’ experience of God’s never ending love for me and his plan to have bright future in mind for my husband and I. Joy overflowed in a way I never knew possible when we found out that I was pregnant! Immediately there were concerns about spotting, miscarrying, bed rest, and a myriad of other fears that surfaced, but I tried so hard to just trust that God had everything under control. That he would not let us conceive and plan for this baby to only have a short life. No, I knew that if God allowed new life to begin after me begging him to do so and with great faith surrendering this plea to him on retreat, I knew that he had a great plan for the life of this child I was now carrying. As I laid in bed those first few days of knowing of my pregnancy, I pleaded a special litany of Saints to protect this child and my own body to allow this child to keep growing.

Well, the prayer was answered, the baby kept growing, I just never knew that the baby nestled in the wrong spot.
Moivng on, a few more weeks into my pregnancy, my life changed drastically and Nicky’s life (on earth) was gone forever. Yes, God did give me the mountain top experience before the biggest tragedy in my life. I could have never survived that difficult time if I had just recently been surrounded by God’s goodness, God’s love, God’s intimate embrace. I was changed forever, but God did lay the groundwork and made the soil fertile for spiritual growth.

A part of the homily included a short observation that when people come at us trying to break us and try with all their might to make us ‘broken people’ it is because they are broken. He said with people seem intent on making those around them suffer (my work situation) it is entirely related to their own suffering. This really challenged me. He invited us to love, forgive, and not to cause more pain. I will try and you all know which relationship is the most difficult for me not act loving at all because I have put a iron wall around my spirit in their presence. So I will try, one small step at a time. I still may need to find a better environment to work in, but I will keep praying that maybe God can take the one I am at and make it better.

Now here is the real icing on the cake! The holy Eucharistic celebration was like a wedding feast!!! My own spiritual wedding feast, Jesus was so very present to me and I am still just amazed at those few moments of deep connection with Jesus in the Eucharist. I remember consuming Jesus and just looking at the altar and praying “I love you Jesus, I love you Jesus, no matter what my tomorrows look like.”

I felt so incredibly blessed. There was an almost electrical charge in that moment, Christ was present!

No knowing what I know now about the mountain top experiences, I will continue to step out in faith and say “I love you Jesus, no matter what my tomorrows look like.”