Yesterday was a hard day. Not the whole day, but the near end of the day almost made me lose my joy. I can't keep letting things that do not work out keep stealing my joy.
There is a priest that knows my husband and I very well and the two of them have so much in common and think alike alot of the time, it just that this priest is about 25 years older than my husband and has different ways of approaching things.
I haven't seen him in a while and wanted to set an appointment to see him at his office, he is not our parish priest anymore so it is harder to see him. Well, yesterday, he brought up whether or not we had been able to conceive again. Those were not his exact words, but that is what he was meaning. He said it with such joy, that I wondered if I was looking pregnant or something. I handled it well, but I bared my soul to him and said that I am struggling to understand why my husband and I are not on the same page or stage in regard to the world of adoption. I have become so pushy about it, that I asked this priest if I was wrong to assume that adoption is just the next natural step if we are unable to conceive again. He told me no, but that the marriage is the supreme relationship.
I know this . . . but my heart still aches. Why is this? He told me that we are still young and that the adoption option will be available to us for many years and that I don't need to rush it, just wait for my husband to be ready. Wow, more waiting. Part of me thought that I could be pregnant right now and that I could not even be needing to wait any longer, I am painfully hopeful even at this stage.
The way he talked to me so compassionately made my heart feel so safe and he was not judgemental at all or assuming that he had all the answers. I shared with him that I am worried to lose my other tube and the fertility I have left. At that point there would not be a possibility of a child growng in my womb and he said that at that point my husband may need some spiritual care. I agreed, it will be something to be grieved and processed on his end.
He encouraged me to let my husband take the lead in the area of adoption. I will try to do this. I want him to do that. Just like I want to be pursued in an intimate way to join in union with him to concieve a child, I want desperately to have him pursue growing our family in the same manner if adoption is part of God's plan for our lives.
I made a vow to God and to my husband that I will try not to push my own way, but let them both lead us.
It was coming to this place of abandonment of trying to push my way to adoption since around 2003, I realized that I never thought that it could possibly NOT be a part of God's will for my life with my husband. I realized that I have grieved my compromised fertility, I have grieved the loss of Sam, I have grieved the loss of Nicky, I have grieved the loss of my tube, yet I have never, ever allowed myself to grieve that adoption might not be part of God's plan for us. I am still just considering all that has come to light. I do believe that I will be the mother of children in some way and that I will parent a child on earth. I do believe that my husband wants to father a child here on earth and I think that it is only a matter of God's movement until he leads us there, but I need to be patient with God and my husband. They have both been so very patient with me over the years and my mild temper tantrum last night. On my way home, driving alone, I cried and could not stop! I was able to start praying the rosary and then the tears cleared up. Praise God!
When I shared all of this with my husband in the most compassionate way I knew, it shook him to the core. I really thought that I was trying be up front and honest that I was not going to pressure, coerce, or anything anymore. I love him for all he is to me and who God created him to be. I want to nurture his soul, not harm it.
God, I need your grace to be like Mary and say "I am the handmaid of the Lord, do unto me according to your will". AMEN.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Do you . . .
Do you want to be pregnant
or do you want to be a Mom?
Do you really need to give birth
or do you really need to love?
+ paraphrased from "Touched By An Angel"
or do you want to be a Mom?
Do you really need to give birth
or do you really need to love?
+ paraphrased from "Touched By An Angel"
Miracles
Sometimes humans get lost on their way to their miracle.
+ From an episode of Touched By An Angel
+ From an episode of Touched By An Angel
doctor's appt today - update
Today is my appointment with my new doctor. It is my second visit with her and for many reasons, I am not looking foward to it.
She told me almost 4 months ago if we were not pregnant in the next three months, to f/u with an appointment on January 6. Then it was rescheduled due to the birth of her baby. Well, if it would have remained on the sixth, I would have been pre-peak. Now, I am p+11. I am counting down the day until I know if this cycle was the dream maker one or just another try.
I know that we will discuss the hsg I did in October in a little more depth. I have not used any of her prescriptins for the meds she wanted me on that seemed less superior to the ones Dr. Hilgers prescribes for me. The only thing different was that she did not prescribe the hcg and did prometrium instead. And I did not take the med that is supposed to help build the lining for implantation.
I am really not going to go in there with confidience. I wish she could tell me RIGHT now, if we conceived or not this cycle. So I can just move on!
Why all this anxiety? Then to top it off last night, I kept having mild pain in my right area, it almost feels like it would be near the end of the tube that goes to the womb. I get so nervous and scared to have another ectopic pregnancy that it is not healthy. I barely slept last night, worrying about positioning, like there is anything I can do to keep a baby from sticking to the tube. Last time I got pregnant it was never on my radar that I could have an ectopic pregnancy, now even when I am not pregnant, I fear it. It is the only message that is being sent to my brain. My husband thinks that I can just think positive and it will all be okay, well, that is fine and dandy when you are not distracted by slight pains or uncomfortable feelings. I analyze everything and really pray to God for a normal pregancy if I am ever lucky enough to get pregnant agan.
UPDATE
The appointment went well, short and sweet. Not much has changed. She really suprises me that she is calm and genuine. She is pretty aggressive with a treatment plan, but it is very similiar to what I am doing with Dr. Hilgers, only the meds he prescribes seem to helping. I am going to start using the estradoil meds next cycle and resume all the other meds from Dr. Hilgers. Now that I am thinking about she gave me a different med to replace the metformin (glucophage), can't remember the name. The script is in the car. Hope something works soon.
The uncomfortable feelings on the right continued off and on throughout the day. At one point I felt a sharper pain that felt more around the womb area, I was begging God to let that be IMPLANTATION! He sure heard alot from me today. Thanks for all your prayers, I am so thankful.
She told me almost 4 months ago if we were not pregnant in the next three months, to f/u with an appointment on January 6. Then it was rescheduled due to the birth of her baby. Well, if it would have remained on the sixth, I would have been pre-peak. Now, I am p+11. I am counting down the day until I know if this cycle was the dream maker one or just another try.
I know that we will discuss the hsg I did in October in a little more depth. I have not used any of her prescriptins for the meds she wanted me on that seemed less superior to the ones Dr. Hilgers prescribes for me. The only thing different was that she did not prescribe the hcg and did prometrium instead. And I did not take the med that is supposed to help build the lining for implantation.
I am really not going to go in there with confidience. I wish she could tell me RIGHT now, if we conceived or not this cycle. So I can just move on!
Why all this anxiety? Then to top it off last night, I kept having mild pain in my right area, it almost feels like it would be near the end of the tube that goes to the womb. I get so nervous and scared to have another ectopic pregnancy that it is not healthy. I barely slept last night, worrying about positioning, like there is anything I can do to keep a baby from sticking to the tube. Last time I got pregnant it was never on my radar that I could have an ectopic pregnancy, now even when I am not pregnant, I fear it. It is the only message that is being sent to my brain. My husband thinks that I can just think positive and it will all be okay, well, that is fine and dandy when you are not distracted by slight pains or uncomfortable feelings. I analyze everything and really pray to God for a normal pregancy if I am ever lucky enough to get pregnant agan.
UPDATE
The appointment went well, short and sweet. Not much has changed. She really suprises me that she is calm and genuine. She is pretty aggressive with a treatment plan, but it is very similiar to what I am doing with Dr. Hilgers, only the meds he prescribes seem to helping. I am going to start using the estradoil meds next cycle and resume all the other meds from Dr. Hilgers. Now that I am thinking about she gave me a different med to replace the metformin (glucophage), can't remember the name. The script is in the car. Hope something works soon.
The uncomfortable feelings on the right continued off and on throughout the day. At one point I felt a sharper pain that felt more around the womb area, I was begging God to let that be IMPLANTATION! He sure heard alot from me today. Thanks for all your prayers, I am so thankful.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
p+7
Check out these results. Amazing!!!!! I am really suprised, because it was on sun/mon that I felt like I was surely having a drop in prog. This was a pleasant suprise. Jan 2008 p4-.68 e-2.2 (initial blood draw)
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Monday, January 25, 2010
What a day!
It has been one busy day, but there were some really great moments!
I woke up early to head to do mhy p+7 bloodwork, it is really p+8 and in some ways I am expecting this cycle to be a bust . . . but I am always still so crazy hopeful. It was the best visit to the lab that I have ever had, as best as those visits can possibly be at this stage in the journey. My favorite tech was there and she was so happy to see me. I think that her friendliness made the whole experience less pathetic. I was in and out in no time. That hardly ever happens.
Things got all messed up with the meds this month, then I got an infection from a bite that I had gotten while we were in Galveston and then in the post peak phase had to take a dose of antibiotics. I was CLEAR that I was trying to get pregnant and did not get anything that could possibly harm a newly conceived baby or so I pray.
That special prayer request is not anything baby related at this time and so far I took the next step, the ball is not in my court anymore. I will keep yall posted when I hear something. I am nervous, but hopeful.
One of the highlights of my day was that I got to visit with one of the most encouraging friends ever and her beautiful, fun daughter! She completely understands just how tough this journey is for someone like me who is just ready to be moving foward. It is such a blessing to be able to have conversations with someone who just "gets" what you are going through.
Then this afternoon, I had the responsibility to go to ALL the local catholic schools for work and due to printing delays I had to go at the worst possible time for traffic bc it was when school was letting out. As luck would have it, I ran into a friend from college picking up her kids. I am serious. Watching a woman, my age who married just two years before me and heading out of the school with four kids on foot and one on the hip. It sure helps that this woman has such a sweet spirit. It just sort of sent me into a tailspin. When people ask what you have been up too, you can't very well say that you are primarily spending all of your energy trying to become a parent. Writing this is bringing me to tears.
Moving on!
I have been having some weird feelings and dealing with some nausea that I think is caused by either not eating at set times or the antibiotic that I am taking. I have to make sure that I eat something hearty for breakfast to keep my meds down in the morning. Today I had some lower back pain and it felt like cd 1 was coming which is at least a week away, hopefully even more than that :)
I was pretty much near tears today on the way home worried that I am doing something wrong for my body. This whole journey has just been so hard. I have learned so much from this journey, but I am still thankful that I am in the company of amazing women (biblically and in real life).
I woke up early to head to do mhy p+7 bloodwork, it is really p+8 and in some ways I am expecting this cycle to be a bust . . . but I am always still so crazy hopeful. It was the best visit to the lab that I have ever had, as best as those visits can possibly be at this stage in the journey. My favorite tech was there and she was so happy to see me. I think that her friendliness made the whole experience less pathetic. I was in and out in no time. That hardly ever happens.
Things got all messed up with the meds this month, then I got an infection from a bite that I had gotten while we were in Galveston and then in the post peak phase had to take a dose of antibiotics. I was CLEAR that I was trying to get pregnant and did not get anything that could possibly harm a newly conceived baby or so I pray.
That special prayer request is not anything baby related at this time and so far I took the next step, the ball is not in my court anymore. I will keep yall posted when I hear something. I am nervous, but hopeful.
One of the highlights of my day was that I got to visit with one of the most encouraging friends ever and her beautiful, fun daughter! She completely understands just how tough this journey is for someone like me who is just ready to be moving foward. It is such a blessing to be able to have conversations with someone who just "gets" what you are going through.
Then this afternoon, I had the responsibility to go to ALL the local catholic schools for work and due to printing delays I had to go at the worst possible time for traffic bc it was when school was letting out. As luck would have it, I ran into a friend from college picking up her kids. I am serious. Watching a woman, my age who married just two years before me and heading out of the school with four kids on foot and one on the hip. It sure helps that this woman has such a sweet spirit. It just sort of sent me into a tailspin. When people ask what you have been up too, you can't very well say that you are primarily spending all of your energy trying to become a parent. Writing this is bringing me to tears.
Moving on!
I have been having some weird feelings and dealing with some nausea that I think is caused by either not eating at set times or the antibiotic that I am taking. I have to make sure that I eat something hearty for breakfast to keep my meds down in the morning. Today I had some lower back pain and it felt like cd 1 was coming which is at least a week away, hopefully even more than that :)
I was pretty much near tears today on the way home worried that I am doing something wrong for my body. This whole journey has just been so hard. I have learned so much from this journey, but I am still thankful that I am in the company of amazing women (biblically and in real life).
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Congrats and general update!
First and foremost, I want to send a huge congrats to Stacey! There is so much good news here in blogland! Join us in prayer that this little miracle keeps growing and getting stronger!
http://staceysthoughtsoninfertility.blogspot.com/2010/01/today.html
In other news, we had a great day so far. Just did a few errands together, got my tire fixed - Jessy did it, and then we came home, cleaned my truck (small suv), cleaned two of the extra rooms in the house, and then I did all the laundry. Jessy even cleaned out the junk drawer while I cleaned out the toybox that we have for all the kiddos that visit.
It has been a great day! I feel so happy that we got things done and did not stay lazy.
We live in a very small town and it is about 1/2 hour to a larger 'city' with hospitals and last night we heard the ambulance helicopter right over our house and it was hovering for nearly 1/2 hour trying to find a place to land so we freaked out a bit, because we were worried for our neighbors. Well, I went outside robe and all we finally saw that they finally decided to land in our local park, which is about 1/4 mile from our house. It turned out that there was a hit and run and they driver hit a boy in a wheelchair. We think that the boy was in his late teens, but not sure. So as we are out there, our neighbors come up and we start to visit. We are completely out of touch with our community because they recently had a community wide meeting about the high number of child sexual predators that live in our small community. It turns out a man who rents houses here has been building more places for them to rent and he is accomodating to child predators. What kind of person does that? Greed once again rears its ugly head. We were in shock. We actually moved here because we thought it was a safe, friendly town. Overall it is, but the climate could change if people don't feel safe. We are praying. Of distinct importance is that one of the men was seen watching the children in the park recently. Parents can never be too careful. There are some people who choose not to do things as we would and it can make the world a scary place for children and their parents.
I am so ready for spring, I want to plant some rose bushes. I can't wait to plant flowers. They bring me so much joy!!
http://staceysthoughtsoninfertility.blogspot.com/2010/01/today.html
In other news, we had a great day so far. Just did a few errands together, got my tire fixed - Jessy did it, and then we came home, cleaned my truck (small suv), cleaned two of the extra rooms in the house, and then I did all the laundry. Jessy even cleaned out the junk drawer while I cleaned out the toybox that we have for all the kiddos that visit.
It has been a great day! I feel so happy that we got things done and did not stay lazy.
We live in a very small town and it is about 1/2 hour to a larger 'city' with hospitals and last night we heard the ambulance helicopter right over our house and it was hovering for nearly 1/2 hour trying to find a place to land so we freaked out a bit, because we were worried for our neighbors. Well, I went outside robe and all we finally saw that they finally decided to land in our local park, which is about 1/4 mile from our house. It turned out that there was a hit and run and they driver hit a boy in a wheelchair. We think that the boy was in his late teens, but not sure. So as we are out there, our neighbors come up and we start to visit. We are completely out of touch with our community because they recently had a community wide meeting about the high number of child sexual predators that live in our small community. It turns out a man who rents houses here has been building more places for them to rent and he is accomodating to child predators. What kind of person does that? Greed once again rears its ugly head. We were in shock. We actually moved here because we thought it was a safe, friendly town. Overall it is, but the climate could change if people don't feel safe. We are praying. Of distinct importance is that one of the men was seen watching the children in the park recently. Parents can never be too careful. There are some people who choose not to do things as we would and it can make the world a scary place for children and their parents.
I am so ready for spring, I want to plant some rose bushes. I can't wait to plant flowers. They bring me so much joy!!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
A little perplexed and other things . . .
I am having to face a huge decision and for some reason IF has robbed me of all of my confidience to even make the slightest decision. However, this is a big decision. It sounds promising, but I will find out if this would be possible if it is God's will. I would appreciate any prayers. My specific prayer request is that I will not go anywhere unless God is preparing a place for me.
I am still also staying a little down for a few reasons. One being that right now, my life would be so different if my baby would have lived. I would be taking care of a newborn right now. Instead I am still trying to get pregnant.
As if things could not have gotten worse, there is screw or nail in my back tire and the shop could not repair it today. I need to get a new tire.
I am toying with the idea of going public again. I miss all my comments. How is that for attention seeking behavior? hahaha
I don't know why today felt like a crazy, stressful day, but it did. I am about to head to the tub for a soak and then crawl into my bed. Wait, got to fit in taking a bazillon PM meds and an hcg injection! Woo Hoo, I can hardly wait.
I am still also staying a little down for a few reasons. One being that right now, my life would be so different if my baby would have lived. I would be taking care of a newborn right now. Instead I am still trying to get pregnant.
As if things could not have gotten worse, there is screw or nail in my back tire and the shop could not repair it today. I need to get a new tire.
I am toying with the idea of going public again. I miss all my comments. How is that for attention seeking behavior? hahaha
I don't know why today felt like a crazy, stressful day, but it did. I am about to head to the tub for a soak and then crawl into my bed. Wait, got to fit in taking a bazillon PM meds and an hcg injection! Woo Hoo, I can hardly wait.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
P+2
I am finally at p+2.
There had to be some change in the progesterone levels because I immediately got out my magic eraser and cleaned the house from nearly one end to the other.
It might have helped that I watched a show of hoarders and I wanted to get rid of every unnecessary thing in my house ;) That was the most awful show ever.
Anyway, it was nice to have the day off to clean the house.
I am so tired lately and am heading to bed in a minute.
Oh, this is what I wanted to jot down before I forgot. It is so random. A few weeks ago I was in the car and thought about dates (due dates, too) and thought how many babies would/could be born on 10/10/10. Well, exactly 38 weeks from my P day would fall on 10/10/10. Do you think that I could possibly be more insane and bored? I need to find other things to occupy my mind - hahahaha!
There had to be some change in the progesterone levels because I immediately got out my magic eraser and cleaned the house from nearly one end to the other.
It might have helped that I watched a show of hoarders and I wanted to get rid of every unnecessary thing in my house ;) That was the most awful show ever.
Anyway, it was nice to have the day off to clean the house.
I am so tired lately and am heading to bed in a minute.
Oh, this is what I wanted to jot down before I forgot. It is so random. A few weeks ago I was in the car and thought about dates (due dates, too) and thought how many babies would/could be born on 10/10/10. Well, exactly 38 weeks from my P day would fall on 10/10/10. Do you think that I could possibly be more insane and bored? I need to find other things to occupy my mind - hahahaha!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Relaxed
I am so happy to report that I am finally feeling relaxed. You can see it in my face. There are no worries right now. My work week left alot to be desired last week and when work is not going well, it wears me down and the days seem to drag on. I was so very happy to be having a three day weekend.
It was actually pretty great timing cycle wise. I was so distraught from the disharmony at work that I was concerned that all of that stress would delay my peak day. I tried to just let it all go, laugh it off, etc because I already had so much invested in this cycle. Those worries may have been unnecessary because the next I have had great signs that things might be on time in regard to the peak day.
This is my first cycle on the antibiotic meds to help promote healthy cm and it is working beyond what I could have imagined.
In the words of Sew, it was definitely sent straight from heaven ;)
Woo hoo! What a suprise, finally got the opportunity to follow doctor's orders ;)
In other news, my abdomen is so very sore and it has been this way for the last three days. For awhile I was staying sick and having bowel problems. I couldn't figure out if it was the Reliv that I started taking again or the antibiotics bc it all started at the same time. Without the re.liv I have not been running back and forth to the ladies room as often but my stomach is not feeling likes its typical self. I kept feeling really bloated and decided maybe some Ga.s.x would help and it did offer some relief, but this is not a common problem for me. Really strange.
In other news, we got to have some fun with some friends of ours this weekend to watch a football game and we all cooked. It was fun to not be thinking of what I am missing, but just enjoying what the day had to offer.
I have been bombarded with alot (I mean, alot) of baby news and I am just so bewildered how some families can be abundant in numbers and we are so open to life and have been for 9+ years and still we strive for the same end!
The other day I read in a journal that "A child's life begins at conception and everyday that it lives had been determined by God. They are only here for the time that God appoints them for and for a specific purpose." It went on to say that whether they are present in this life for a few days, weeks, months . . . they were still only brought into being for a grand purpose by God and they are still a gift."
I knew all of this, but it just breathed new life into my soul and once again I was so very thankful for the honor of being Sam and Nicky's mommy.
I have been battling a lot of fears, but I am remainng hopeful.
My heart is in awe at God's generousity over watching two of my blog buddies become instant mommies and living out their vocation so beautifully well! I have already mentioned a congratulations to AYWH and now I am extending that to include LifeHopes! What a beautiful family of three! My heart is overflowing in gratefulness for you all! A huge congratulations also goes out to Sew who, along with her hubbie, is now licensed for FC! Those two are going to love so many hearts and be loved in return. What an honor to care for those precious souls! Prayers abound for you all!
In mass today, I spent a great deal of prayer time in thanksgiving for those sweet babies and their new forever families and then I prayed some desperate prayers for all of us still waiting to make that crossover into mommyland! It is not a race, I will keep my eyes on the prize but I will rejoice with all of the 'winners' who cross the 'finish (beginning) line". Celebrating their joy, gaining hope from their experience, and wait as well as I can as I run foward!
It was actually pretty great timing cycle wise. I was so distraught from the disharmony at work that I was concerned that all of that stress would delay my peak day. I tried to just let it all go, laugh it off, etc because I already had so much invested in this cycle. Those worries may have been unnecessary because the next I have had great signs that things might be on time in regard to the peak day.
This is my first cycle on the antibiotic meds to help promote healthy cm and it is working beyond what I could have imagined.
In the words of Sew, it was definitely sent straight from heaven ;)
Woo hoo! What a suprise, finally got the opportunity to follow doctor's orders ;)
In other news, my abdomen is so very sore and it has been this way for the last three days. For awhile I was staying sick and having bowel problems. I couldn't figure out if it was the Reliv that I started taking again or the antibiotics bc it all started at the same time. Without the re.liv I have not been running back and forth to the ladies room as often but my stomach is not feeling likes its typical self. I kept feeling really bloated and decided maybe some Ga.s.x would help and it did offer some relief, but this is not a common problem for me. Really strange.
In other news, we got to have some fun with some friends of ours this weekend to watch a football game and we all cooked. It was fun to not be thinking of what I am missing, but just enjoying what the day had to offer.
I have been bombarded with alot (I mean, alot) of baby news and I am just so bewildered how some families can be abundant in numbers and we are so open to life and have been for 9+ years and still we strive for the same end!
The other day I read in a journal that "A child's life begins at conception and everyday that it lives had been determined by God. They are only here for the time that God appoints them for and for a specific purpose." It went on to say that whether they are present in this life for a few days, weeks, months . . . they were still only brought into being for a grand purpose by God and they are still a gift."
I knew all of this, but it just breathed new life into my soul and once again I was so very thankful for the honor of being Sam and Nicky's mommy.
I have been battling a lot of fears, but I am remainng hopeful.
My heart is in awe at God's generousity over watching two of my blog buddies become instant mommies and living out their vocation so beautifully well! I have already mentioned a congratulations to AYWH and now I am extending that to include LifeHopes! What a beautiful family of three! My heart is overflowing in gratefulness for you all! A huge congratulations also goes out to Sew who, along with her hubbie, is now licensed for FC! Those two are going to love so many hearts and be loved in return. What an honor to care for those precious souls! Prayers abound for you all!
In mass today, I spent a great deal of prayer time in thanksgiving for those sweet babies and their new forever families and then I prayed some desperate prayers for all of us still waiting to make that crossover into mommyland! It is not a race, I will keep my eyes on the prize but I will rejoice with all of the 'winners' who cross the 'finish (beginning) line". Celebrating their joy, gaining hope from their experience, and wait as well as I can as I run foward!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Overwhelmed, hopeful, and expecting!
It has been so long since I have just walked ahead and left the grief behind. This is what I have been trying to do so that I can embrace the future with hope.
To be honest, I have been feeling a little left behind. It is easy to let it go at times and other times I just allow myself to wonder "Will I ever have my time in the Sun?" I have been very lonesome for the babies that I did not get to meet and only carried for a bit. I wonder if I will ever be able to have a successful pregnancy. At this point, I am really unsure if we will be able to achieve another pregnancy.
There are days that this cross just feels too heavy . . . like it has multiplied over the years, the rejections, the losses. It doesn't help to be anticipating my 33rd birthday in two and half weeks. I got married at 23 and full of dreams! I am really blessed to have a wonderful husband. I know that with each choice he makes he does so in love. I don't blame him for not being ready, this is something that you cannot rush. I am just going to have to wait on God and J!
The readings this week are not offering me much consolation! How horrible is that? It just makes me sadder to know that God can open the womb of the barren woman and answer her prayers and it seems that mine are not being answered. Yes, we were able to conceive twice and I was reminded that IS gift! Sometimes I wonder if I can survive just knowing that my joy is awaiting me in heaven.
God is gracious in the ways He sees fit and I will continue to trust and do all that I can to help him answer our prayers :-)
I shall wait in expectant HOPE!
To be honest, I have been feeling a little left behind. It is easy to let it go at times and other times I just allow myself to wonder "Will I ever have my time in the Sun?" I have been very lonesome for the babies that I did not get to meet and only carried for a bit. I wonder if I will ever be able to have a successful pregnancy. At this point, I am really unsure if we will be able to achieve another pregnancy.
There are days that this cross just feels too heavy . . . like it has multiplied over the years, the rejections, the losses. It doesn't help to be anticipating my 33rd birthday in two and half weeks. I got married at 23 and full of dreams! I am really blessed to have a wonderful husband. I know that with each choice he makes he does so in love. I don't blame him for not being ready, this is something that you cannot rush. I am just going to have to wait on God and J!
The readings this week are not offering me much consolation! How horrible is that? It just makes me sadder to know that God can open the womb of the barren woman and answer her prayers and it seems that mine are not being answered. Yes, we were able to conceive twice and I was reminded that IS gift! Sometimes I wonder if I can survive just knowing that my joy is awaiting me in heaven.
God is gracious in the ways He sees fit and I will continue to trust and do all that I can to help him answer our prayers :-)
I shall wait in expectant HOPE!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Abandonment
A good reminder for this stage in my life . . . .
"But when the time comes to enter the darness in which we are naked and
helpless and alone: in which we see the insufficiency of our greatest
strength and the hollowness of our strongest virtues; in which we have
nothing of our own to rely on, and nothing in our nature to support us, and
nothing in the world to guide us or give us light - then we find out whether
or not we live by faith.
It is in this darkness, when there is nothing left in us that can please or
comfort our own minds, when we seem to be useless and worthy of all
contempt, when we seem to have failed, and when we seem to be destroyed and
devoured.
It is then that the deep and secret selfishness that is too close to
identify is stripped away from our souls: it is in this darkness that we
find true liberty.
It is in this abandonment that we are made strong.
This is the night that empties us and makes us pure."
from Thomas Merton in New Seeds of Contemplation
"But when the time comes to enter the darness in which we are naked and
helpless and alone: in which we see the insufficiency of our greatest
strength and the hollowness of our strongest virtues; in which we have
nothing of our own to rely on, and nothing in our nature to support us, and
nothing in the world to guide us or give us light - then we find out whether
or not we live by faith.
It is in this darkness, when there is nothing left in us that can please or
comfort our own minds, when we seem to be useless and worthy of all
contempt, when we seem to have failed, and when we seem to be destroyed and
devoured.
It is then that the deep and secret selfishness that is too close to
identify is stripped away from our souls: it is in this darkness that we
find true liberty.
It is in this abandonment that we are made strong.
This is the night that empties us and makes us pure."
from Thomas Merton in New Seeds of Contemplation
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Amazing!
It was an amazing God-appointed visit tonight. It occured to me the other day that "Yes, I am dealing with IF, but I am in pretty good company!" I realized that if I were not carrying this cross, I would not have ever been changed and blessed by the friendships that are involved. God has made all of you so spiritually beautiful and you all reflect the suffering and RESURRECTED Christ to me!
When Jessy and I were with these amazing couples we felt completely at ease and this is what we are looking for in all of our relationships! Acceptance, understanding, the abilility to have someone laugh with you at craziness of trying to have a baby!
When I left R's house, I was amazed that I can still be a sociable person who can laugh and share and not breakdown! It was the first time I really felt like I belonged in the crowd. The reason being we have all be carrying our cross for so long, when know how to let others put theirs aside for a moment of rest. We all knew the heaviness of it, the sting, the sorrow, but tonight we were celebrating LIFE, MIRACLES, & PARENTHOOD. While we laughed are the great lengths we have to go to try to make our dreams a reality, we were blessed to see one family's dreams come to fruition! The rose blossomed. We all got to see the beauty of God's will.
Congatulations K, R, & C! You all are just so blessed!!!
R & G, thank you so much for opening your home up to us! We enjoyed our visit so much and hope to do it again sometime soon! Your gumbo was perfect, the potato salad just like we make at home, and the brownies were YUMMY! You are a great cook and awesome hostess :) I pray that God blesses you all with eternal gifts and bring all of your dreams to full bloom very soon!
Pray, Hope, & Don't Worry, AYWH, & me
When Jessy and I were with these amazing couples we felt completely at ease and this is what we are looking for in all of our relationships! Acceptance, understanding, the abilility to have someone laugh with you at craziness of trying to have a baby!
When I left R's house, I was amazed that I can still be a sociable person who can laugh and share and not breakdown! It was the first time I really felt like I belonged in the crowd. The reason being we have all be carrying our cross for so long, when know how to let others put theirs aside for a moment of rest. We all knew the heaviness of it, the sting, the sorrow, but tonight we were celebrating LIFE, MIRACLES, & PARENTHOOD. While we laughed are the great lengths we have to go to try to make our dreams a reality, we were blessed to see one family's dreams come to fruition! The rose blossomed. We all got to see the beauty of God's will.
Congatulations K, R, & C! You all are just so blessed!!!
R & G, thank you so much for opening your home up to us! We enjoyed our visit so much and hope to do it again sometime soon! Your gumbo was perfect, the potato salad just like we make at home, and the brownies were YUMMY! You are a great cook and awesome hostess :) I pray that God blesses you all with eternal gifts and bring all of your dreams to full bloom very soon!
Pray, Hope, & Don't Worry, AYWH, & me
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
It has been hard days in dealing with difficult personalities! I am trying to survive and choose the high road . . . the high road is HARD!!!!
I did a cycle review with PPVI today and I am amazed at how a little encouragement can do my heart good.
I am to continue all my current meds:
Vitamin B6, clomid 50 mg (this month cd5-9, bc I could not get a refill in time), fertile cm (cd 10-p+2), hcg (p+3,5,7), glucophage 1000 mg at bedtime, and t3 (2xd, 22.5 mcg) and add c-clor (spelling ?) 3 x day on cd 14-18. No problem. Oh, yeah - prenatals, too!
I also asked the nurse to ask Dr. H if he thought the pain on my left side was scar tissue and adhesions and he agreed with me. I think I will just have a forever reminder of my experience with both joy and sorrow.
So the nurse said all of the meds have been called out, so after work I run to the pharmacy and pick up a few groceries while there and when I get to the counter they tell me that the c-clor is like a cousin to PCN and since I am allergic to PCN they got a red flag when they ran it so they did not know what to do. Then as they are trying to figure it out, they come over to me with a line behind me and ask me "What are you using this med for? Do you have an infection?" Seriously . . . . I gathered up all of my courage and said "It is supposed to help ENHANCE good quality cervi.cal mucus." Really, I felt like I reached an all time low. All of the stuff is just so draining and wearing me down in so many ways, but heck I know that ADOPTION wlll be HARDER than this in its own way. I know that I will be completely exposed during a home study, etc. So I guess IF is serving some purpose in my life, really.
In some great news, I get to go meet and visit Pray, Hope, and Don't Worry & All You Who Hope tomorrow! I also get to meet thier great husbands and that special little girl that we are all SO excited about! I could not be happier about all of the miracles surrounding these two couples! They are both so faithful and hopeful!
I can't wait to get a glimpse at what God has in mind for our family! God is moving and I want to get ready for when HE is ready to move me to receive HIS blessings!
One last sad thought, there was a girl I know who got pregnant unintentionally and it was terrible circumstances - well I was so sad yesterday because her grandma told me yesterday that she miscarried on Christmas Eve . . .bc she was under a great deal of stress for being ARRESTED. I am so sad for the loss of this life. I am equally sad for this Mom, I think she was really excited to be pregnant and wanted her baby and she is so young to deal with so much suffering and loss. If you can, please pray for both mother and child. The only comfort I have is that the baby is in the presence of GOD!
I did a cycle review with PPVI today and I am amazed at how a little encouragement can do my heart good.
I am to continue all my current meds:
Vitamin B6, clomid 50 mg (this month cd5-9, bc I could not get a refill in time), fertile cm (cd 10-p+2), hcg (p+3,5,7), glucophage 1000 mg at bedtime, and t3 (2xd, 22.5 mcg) and add c-clor (spelling ?) 3 x day on cd 14-18. No problem. Oh, yeah - prenatals, too!
I also asked the nurse to ask Dr. H if he thought the pain on my left side was scar tissue and adhesions and he agreed with me. I think I will just have a forever reminder of my experience with both joy and sorrow.
So the nurse said all of the meds have been called out, so after work I run to the pharmacy and pick up a few groceries while there and when I get to the counter they tell me that the c-clor is like a cousin to PCN and since I am allergic to PCN they got a red flag when they ran it so they did not know what to do. Then as they are trying to figure it out, they come over to me with a line behind me and ask me "What are you using this med for? Do you have an infection?" Seriously . . . . I gathered up all of my courage and said "It is supposed to help ENHANCE good quality cervi.cal mucus." Really, I felt like I reached an all time low. All of the stuff is just so draining and wearing me down in so many ways, but heck I know that ADOPTION wlll be HARDER than this in its own way. I know that I will be completely exposed during a home study, etc. So I guess IF is serving some purpose in my life, really.
In some great news, I get to go meet and visit Pray, Hope, and Don't Worry & All You Who Hope tomorrow! I also get to meet thier great husbands and that special little girl that we are all SO excited about! I could not be happier about all of the miracles surrounding these two couples! They are both so faithful and hopeful!
I can't wait to get a glimpse at what God has in mind for our family! God is moving and I want to get ready for when HE is ready to move me to receive HIS blessings!
One last sad thought, there was a girl I know who got pregnant unintentionally and it was terrible circumstances - well I was so sad yesterday because her grandma told me yesterday that she miscarried on Christmas Eve . . .bc she was under a great deal of stress for being ARRESTED. I am so sad for the loss of this life. I am equally sad for this Mom, I think she was really excited to be pregnant and wanted her baby and she is so young to deal with so much suffering and loss. If you can, please pray for both mother and child. The only comfort I have is that the baby is in the presence of GOD!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Answered prayers
One day in December I was washing clothes and thinking about Amber's answered prayers being answered with a pregnancy and for some reason I was absolutely called with great force by God to pray specifically for AYWH. All I can say is that it was a gift of the spirit to be asked to pray for her and her motherhood. I prayed my heart out all day in little ways throughout the day and offered up all of my suffering for her, Ryan, and the will of God to be completed in their family. It was a particularly dark time for me and I offered up all of my anxiety, fear, and worries up for their family. It felt like it was really the first time I prayed for someone else to have a baby BEFORE me. I asked God to take away her suffering.
Looking back on that day and the days that followed, I am just amazed that this is what God was working on, he was working on how he was going to get K's daughter to her and R's home!!!!!!!! I can't help but be thankful that God allowed me to pray specifically for this family to grow.
K, congratulations!
Looking back on that day and the days that followed, I am just amazed that this is what God was working on, he was working on how he was going to get K's daughter to her and R's home!!!!!!!! I can't help but be thankful that God allowed me to pray specifically for this family to grow.
K, congratulations!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Welcome to 2010
I have to say that at this moment the only thing that I am thankful for with CrMS is that I am able to anticipate with some accuracy when cd 1 will arrive.
I was right on the money, it did arrive today! Right before we headed out to see some of the most difficult people that I ever have to see.
I was in incredible pain both physically and emotionally. Just drained, sad, and desired with all of my heart to live on an island far away to where I don't have to be kind to people that I don't want to see at all.
My low point was when my mil found my 14 mo. old nephew/godson with a lit candle in his hand. My fil lost his temper at the fact that his grandson's parents lack in so many areas as parents. They left a lit candle in their room (they live with J's parent's right now) amd left to go outside to pop fireworks and left the child in the house. J, his parents, and I were in the living room when little one came down the hall carrying a lit candle to his grandma. My FIL said "And those TWO need a baby???" Without the latch on my mouth, I said "What we DO know is that GOD is not discriminating when he doles out children. Apparently you don't have to be DESERVING to be blessed with them!!!!!!!!!!" J immediately grabbed the baby who had wax on his fingers . . . it was suprising that J did not go after his parents himself. They still never even came in to check on their kid. I could not take it anymore and when we left, I cried.
This was a huge downer for J's birthday, I am glad that we did have some happy time before this. We literally had to just push through the family time to survive.
Now, I am really trying to not fall off the cliff of despair and lose all hope that I will know what it feels like to be able to mother a child one day.
I don't know what we are doing wrong here, but something is not adding up. If it is just that God is not ready to bring life to us, okay. I just want to know what he wants me to do in the meantime.
Ever since the surgery to remove my left tube due to its rupture, I have this agonizing pain in the exact area where the tube was cut/severed or however you are supposed to say that. It gets me so worried and I am just trying to make peace with God that this is just the cost of being able to have Nicky a part of our lives at all. I feel like it is like Jesus' wounds in his hands, side, and feet. The pain was constant all day long, I finally got home around 6:30 pm and took an A.dvil and I finally got some relief.
The absolute best thing about this past cycle is that I barely had any right side pain. I really think that in previous cycles I may have had a cyst that may have resolved itself. Maybe skipping the hcg on p+9 helped.
Facing reality seems like such a tremendous burden right now. I was at the verge of tears all day and was a total witch to both sides of our families. I did not trust myself to let down any walls. They were all fully erected and guarding my heart. At one point, I asked my husband "I just wonder if they could ever realize just how hard our life really is?" Even when I said it, I knew that there are millions of people out there who have heavier crosses to bear, but I was feeling so sorry for myself!
Once again, I am laying down in front of the Throne of Grace and waiting for God's mercy to heal my broken heart.
I was right on the money, it did arrive today! Right before we headed out to see some of the most difficult people that I ever have to see.
I was in incredible pain both physically and emotionally. Just drained, sad, and desired with all of my heart to live on an island far away to where I don't have to be kind to people that I don't want to see at all.
My low point was when my mil found my 14 mo. old nephew/godson with a lit candle in his hand. My fil lost his temper at the fact that his grandson's parents lack in so many areas as parents. They left a lit candle in their room (they live with J's parent's right now) amd left to go outside to pop fireworks and left the child in the house. J, his parents, and I were in the living room when little one came down the hall carrying a lit candle to his grandma. My FIL said "And those TWO need a baby???" Without the latch on my mouth, I said "What we DO know is that GOD is not discriminating when he doles out children. Apparently you don't have to be DESERVING to be blessed with them!!!!!!!!!!" J immediately grabbed the baby who had wax on his fingers . . . it was suprising that J did not go after his parents himself. They still never even came in to check on their kid. I could not take it anymore and when we left, I cried.
This was a huge downer for J's birthday, I am glad that we did have some happy time before this. We literally had to just push through the family time to survive.
Now, I am really trying to not fall off the cliff of despair and lose all hope that I will know what it feels like to be able to mother a child one day.
I don't know what we are doing wrong here, but something is not adding up. If it is just that God is not ready to bring life to us, okay. I just want to know what he wants me to do in the meantime.
Ever since the surgery to remove my left tube due to its rupture, I have this agonizing pain in the exact area where the tube was cut/severed or however you are supposed to say that. It gets me so worried and I am just trying to make peace with God that this is just the cost of being able to have Nicky a part of our lives at all. I feel like it is like Jesus' wounds in his hands, side, and feet. The pain was constant all day long, I finally got home around 6:30 pm and took an A.dvil and I finally got some relief.
The absolute best thing about this past cycle is that I barely had any right side pain. I really think that in previous cycles I may have had a cyst that may have resolved itself. Maybe skipping the hcg on p+9 helped.
Facing reality seems like such a tremendous burden right now. I was at the verge of tears all day and was a total witch to both sides of our families. I did not trust myself to let down any walls. They were all fully erected and guarding my heart. At one point, I asked my husband "I just wonder if they could ever realize just how hard our life really is?" Even when I said it, I knew that there are millions of people out there who have heavier crosses to bear, but I was feeling so sorry for myself!
Once again, I am laying down in front of the Throne of Grace and waiting for God's mercy to heal my broken heart.
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