Plummeting

Today was a crazy day of mixed emotions. I checked my temp upon waking and it was still elevated, which suprised me. I have been feeling lots of bodily signs that cd 1 is inevitably close. My mindset is that I am not going to breakdown emotionally when AR arrives. Although there were a few times today that I was near tears, I was thankful to have some time to myself this evening to just build up my stamina for the emotional roller coaster that I have a gut feeling ia just around the corner. My husband, who does not deserve my wrath today, is fishing with his dad for a few hours.
I am having a hard time at work with someone who I feel talks down to me and in a very disrespectful manner. I have tried to peacefully address it with her and she simply told me that I am probably overqualified for my job and that is why I probably get offended by the way she talks to me. What? Overqualified or not, I deserve respect and kindness. There is only 3 people that work in my office and it is me, her, and a kind, old priest. I have been trying to monitor if I am being overly sensitive to her comments. But today her comments really cut me deeply and I just wanted to lash out at her. I found out today that she is telling the staff that I don't like her. I don't like the way she treats me. I know she has to have a good heart. Just treat me well and communicate what you have to say about me to me. I have good communication skills. I tell you, I have a degree in Psychology - I have worked with the poorest and most disabled people in my part of the world and I have worked with some of the wealthiest and most advantaged people in this area. I am a christian. I am catholic and I have been taught to treat everyone with kindness. If a prostitute came to my door, I would treat them the same as a priest. I will share my bread with them, I will still offer them a warm cup of coffee. I would offer a listening ear. What you do, where and how you were educated, the color of your skin, your mother or father is not going to determine how I respond to you! The fact that you are a human being is enough for me to know that my God given privelage is to treat you with respect and kindness. You are the face of Christ, no matter what! I don't know what is going on and when my feelings are hurt, I tend to want to find someone and see what their perspective is on the issue and it comes across as me gossiping about this lady. Later on in the day, I continued to treat her with kindness.
I have had enough. I am not going to be run off, I am not going to let someone else determine my actions. I have never had someone in a job treat me like this and she is my direct supervisor and I am working for the church! I just keep humbling myself. God have mercy on me.
Onto a completely different note, I had bought some tickets to see Christopher West at a family gathering they are doing for our Diocese in May, but I ended up forgetting about the event when I planned a getaway weekend for J and I on the same weekend. So my dear friend hadn't bought her tickets yet so I was going to give them to her this afternoon. This is my friend who has a 5 year old, a 3 1/2 year old, and a 2 year old. Their house is very busy, but her and her husband are amazing. So anyway I was over there for just a few minutes today and was chasing after all three of them so my friend could get ready for her confirmation class (oh yeah - she is a massage thereapist part time and teaches confimration too). The simple act of putting on shoes and shorts, holding hands to go down the steps, etc just made me long for the busyness of that kind of household. I know once I get that I may be bald from pulling out of my hair - but that is truly what I desire. I don't desire to have children bc of having them for a possession or even for a notch in some competition. I want that lifestyle. I want that life of nurturning. I heard that this foreing lanuage (can't remember which) definition of a mother was 'collector of the dirt'. Always cleaning and readying. Just like what God does for us in the confessional. He collects the dirt and makes us presentable.
Anyway, so while I am saying that I am glad that I can see progress in my blood work, on my charts, ect - I am still hopeful that I will have a loud house one day with milk spills and socks to pick up. I long for the day I will be able to nurse a child and lay them quietly to sleep. I dream of what lullibies I will sing to my little ones. This is my desire. It is instinctual and it is still not going away!
God, have pity on me.