Covered in His grace!

The last few days have been very reflective for me. Yesterday afternoon, I got really angry just thinking about women have been blessed with gift of motherhood who despise their vocation or at least exemplify this in their behavior and words (even around their own children). As I was thinking about it, it made me wonder "Is the very gift that God has given them meant to be their cross?" I firmly believe that for some people who did not plan to have children but were lucky enough to find themselves with child can grow into amazing mothers and become a better lover of Christ in the midst of surrendering their control over the 'mess' they see as their lives and find themselves so grateful afterwards. Not that their path is easy, but that embrace their cross and offer it up for the good of the Kingdom of God. However, there are women who take the child, give birth to a son or daughter, and never give life (emotionally, spiritually) to this child and they grow up damaged, which by the grace of God will be restored at some point in their lives. But, if IF is my cross and I say I embrace it - what does that mean? I will always want it to change, but it seems so sad that I would spend such a tremendous amount of time crying and crying about it and begging God for it to change.
It seems that everyone wants to talk about my fertility or lack of it these days. I still get sad at people's reaction when they find out we have been trying to conceive for over 8 years. I don't tell him that before we ever knew that this would be a huge struggle for us, we found out that something was wrong with my body in 9/00, just two months after we wed. I went to the doctor, he sent me home saying that my abnormal bleeding would work it self out in time. I had never had abnormal bleeding/spotting mid cycle before I got married. Well, the problem continued over the next week, so the doctor saw me again and this time did a urine pregnancy test. I was immediately changed from that moment on. I did not think I could possibliy be pregnant yet. These things take time. But then, I realized I have always wanted this, J would be so excited. Wow, God, you are amazing!!! Then in a matter of seconds, I realized why I was really there. Abnormal bleeding/spotting. If the test showed I was pregnant - then that meant something was wrong. I remember just immediately weeping in the doctors office in the midst of all of the nurses and other patients. When they found out the results, they asked me to see the doctor in his office, so I go and WAIT. He comes in and tells me that I am in fact pregnant. He offers no congrats, just routinely looks at the due date thingie in his hands and tells me "well, it looks like your baby will be born in May. But we are going to monitor your blood to see how things are going. You will take your first blood draw today and then we will go from there." I remember, going staight to my husband's job and telling him - with a mixture of joy, awe, and fear. That next day or so, my doctor called me to tell me my levels were not great and that I would need to wait over the weekend and then test again to see if the levels were rising. At this time, I knew nothing about fertility or what hormones are supposed to be rising. I immediately changed my diet and got ready for God to take care of this baby inside of me. My husband and I prayed like we had never prayed before.
Monday came, did the bloodwork and knew to expect a call that night from my doctor. When he called I remember being on my knees as I answered the phone and my husband was right there beside me when he told me I would miscarry. He told me that since it was so early, I would need no further medical care at this time, wait 3 months to ttc again and then not have any 'unprotected intercourse' for 14 days. How do you tell a catholic couple who just got married who are now grieving not to love each other in the way God created them to love one another. The doctor told me I would have some lower back pain and bleeding and that would be when I would know that the baby has gone. I remembered being in a state of shock!!!!! I could not breathe, my sadness was too great. So since this is my cross, am I supposed to like. Am I supposed to make friends with it? So now, when people talk about us being married for so long and still ttc, I tell them, I like to think about as I have only been ttc for the last 6 mo, bc that is when my health was RESTORED! God took the broken pieces and sent me to a man of God who helped bring me healing!
I feel that I need to find consolation in being where I am at in my life right now, but always striving, begging God to bring new life to J and I. I am still boldly asking God to bless me with a baby, but I will try to bear my cross with grace. Because it is his graces that cover me!